To Be or Not To Be

by Ryan North

You feel really sad and depressed and like you wasted a lot of your life.

  A timeless age passes.

  You’re still pretty down in the dumps.

  Another timeless age passes.

  You’re a bit emo about what happened, but not TOTALLY broken up about it.

  A third timeless age begins and ends.

  You’re finally cool with what happened. Looking around, you find that thousands of years have passed since your death. It’s the distant future! And while time travel hasn’t been invented in the mortal realm, it turns out some of your fellow ghosts have been using these timeless ages to perfect the process. You can’t send your body back in time (not that you have one in the traditional sense of the word but WHATEVER), but you can send your consciousness back in time, leaping from this life to that one, perhaps even putting things right that once went wrong.

  It’s possible to leap into the body of your past self, back before you died. You’ll be able to make things turn out differently! There’s a catch though: while the ghost scientists can target the destination time with quite a bit of precision, targeting the person who you’ll be leaping into is just a teeny bit fuzzy. Look, the bottom line is this: there’s a small chance that you could end up in the wrong body. And if that happens, there’s also a teeny-weeny chance that the mind / body mismatch could cause the host body to override your ghostly neural pathways, the end result being near-total amnesia about who you really are and what your mission is.

  But it is a chance.

  Do you take it?

  » Take the chance! Step into the quantum leap accelerator! «

  » No, it sounds dangerous! «

  * * *

  * * *

  Good call. Why travel through TIME ITSELF when you have the option to continue sitting around doing nothing?

  So here’s what you do: you pal around with some other ghosts, and eventually form some really good friendships. But each of these friends eventually decides to travel back in time for a do-over, and it’s hard to blame them. It’s such a tantalizing possibility!

  One last chance, Hamlet: do you want to travel through time? There’ll always be a chance that you end up in the wrong body, and that’ll never change. But there’s also a chance you could change your history, fix your mistakes — there’s a chance you could help everyone. You could improve the lives of everyone you ever knew. Given that, is it ethical to not even try?

  It all comes down to this, Hamlet, Prince of Denmark: do you decide to be TOTALLY AWESOME??

  » Okay! I decide to step into the quantum leap accelerator! «

  » NO. Mom always said to never travel through time, okay? «

  * * *

  * * *

  You step into the quantum leap accelerator and the world around you vanishes. You’re surrounded by the darkest blackness you’ve ever seen.

  The next thing you know, the world is reassembling itself around you. You’re aware of light beginning to shine on you, of heat you haven’t felt in millennia beginning to warm your body. You feel yourself becoming real, corporeal. You look around you, watching the world become more and more solid with each passing second as your jump approaches completion. We’re almost there, Hamlet.

  » Complete the jump «

  * * *

  * * *

  You’re underwater! Frantically, you swim towards the surface, but upon breaking it you find yourself suffocating. You sink back to the water and inhale, expecting to drown, but somehow it sustains you. It — it feels natural.

  I hate to break this to you, but the temporal targeting has missed your old body by quite a bit. We don’t have much time, so I’ll give it to you straight.

  Hamlet, your consciousness is now inside the body of a trout.

  And that’s not even the worst of it. Your mind is collapsing, unable to be sustained by the simpler neural structure of the fishy body you now inhabit. I’m sorry, but there’s just not enough neurons here to sustain you. I’m really not sure how much longer you — as a person — will last. It’ll be minutes at best, seconds at worst, but either way, it won’t be long before everything that made you who you are is lost forever.

  In the meantime, Hamlet, do you want to swim upstream or downstream?

  Hamlet?

  ...Hamlet?

  THE END

  * * *

  » Restart? «

  * * *

  You brandish the sword at Claudius and say, “I could stab you to make you dead! But instead I’m going to sit here and die.”

  And by focusing all of your willpower on it, you miraculously manage to speed up the poison, and that’s what you do! You die.

  So! Let’s sum up your runthrough this time, okay? You failed to kill Claudius several times, but you did manage to kill or have killed a bunch of unrelated characters for no good reason, so you have lost this game. In fact, you have lost so badly that I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask that you stand up, find someone else nearby, and offer this book to them. Here is what you must say:

  “Please, take this book and read it. It is a book where you make your own choices to determine the narrative, but I myself am TERRIBLE AT CHOICES. I have just been demoted back down to books in which only a single thing ever happens, and it’s entirely out of my control. You know: a book where the author only gives you a single story to read. Entry-level stuff. Baby books.”

  The person will say, “What? You mean, like, The Divine Comedy?”

  You will say, “Please. Just take this book from me. It’s better this way.”

  And here’s the thing: it really will be.

  THE END

  * * *

  » Restart? «

  * * *

  Congratulations! You have unlocked the SECRET ENDING.

  The thing is, you’re still dead. You played as Hamlet and you killed him and there’s no taking that back.

  But here’s the secret: while you ARE dead, there’s another you that exists outside this book. There’s a you reading these words right now who hasn’t even died once yet (PROBABLY??). There’s a you who invested some time reading this and there’s a me who invested even more time writing it and we’re all in this together and it’s way too late to back out now. But we’ve come a long way, and I like you. I think we had fun.

  So here’s your secret ending, and it’s the very last choice you ever get to make. You find yourself in a certain location in the universe, remarkable, at the very least, for being where you are right now. You have just experienced the story of Hamlet, Prince of Denmark. It was a fun diversion, but real life beckons. Here’s your big choice, right here, right now:

  You can either a) put down this book and work every day to be the best darn person you can be at whatever it is you choose to do, or b) surprise, there is no other choice.

  Go get ’em, tiger.

  THE END

  * * *

  » Restart? «

  * * *

  Ryan North was born on October 20, 1980. Since then he has done the following things (this is NOT an exhaustive list):

  - failed to die for over 11,322 days IN A ROW;

  - eaten food and then converted that food into ideas;

  - kissed over FIVE different people not from his family, all of whom totally came back for more;

  - studied computer science and computational linguistics and graduated from university TWICE;

  - written the online comic Dinosaur Comics; it’s that comic with dinosaurs that you love;

  - co-edited the anthology Machine of Death, which is a book about people who know how they will die;

  - written the Adventure Time comic book series, which has a lot of really awesome stuff going on in it;

  - analyzed the novelization of Back to the Future in way more detail than probably anyone could’ve anticipated;

  - gotten married, and adopted a dog named Noam Chompsky;

  - oh I also totally wrote this book!!

  Okay, your stalling tactics are really easy to see through
and also really confusing because it’s not like someone has a gun to your head and is forcing you to read this book. (Right? If this is indeed the case and you are totally fine, let me know by NOT sending a message back in time to me to the very moment I’m writing these words, which is July 6, 2012, 2:47:34 pm EST. Okay, terrific, we’re good.)

  All you can do now is:

  » Choose your character «

  * * *

  * * *

  “Tell me, Antonio, what’s your favourite act of mind-blowing erotic int—” you begin, and just then a huge explosion rocks the hotel. Debris showers into the room, knocking Antonio unconscious. Looks like you’re under attack!

  BY TERRORISTS!!

  Hah hah, screw this dating thing: you have three terrorists to kill!!

  » Run down to the site of the explosion «

  * * *

  * * *

  You announce that you really did intend to choose this option. Behind you Hamlet whispers to himself, “MAN, I KNEW IT.”

  You read out loud the text on the page:

  You find your brother, Gonzago, sleeping in a garden. Gardens are really super boring, so it makes sense that he fell asleep.

  You hear your audience murmur in agreement.

  Sneaking up on your brother, you notice that he’s sleeping on his side. You have some poison in your pocket. Do you hold his nose and pour the poison into his mouth, pour the poison into his ear, or realize that murder is terrible, leave, and go kill skeletons instead? They’re basically already dead.

  If you’re trying not to get caught, I really think you should go kill some skeletons.

  » Poison in the mouth! «

  ☠ Poison in the ear! ☠

  » Go kill skeletons instead! «

  * * *

  * * *

  Battlelord Pete, you pick up your trusty battle axe and stroll into Skeleton Cove, where you heard all the skeletons hang out.

  You encounter your first skeleton! He bows theatrically and introduces himself as Skellington of the East Coast Skellingtons.

  » Cut him up with your axe!! «

  » Tell him you’re pleased to meet him, then enquire if you can AXE him a few questions «

  * * *

  * * *

  “I don’t understand the emphasis you’re putting on ‘axe,’” says Skellington, “but I’d be happy to answer any questions you might ha—”

  Your battle axe sends his head flying through the air! Skellington continues talking as his head flies into the sky.

  “Do not worry about harming me!” his head says as it flies over a nearby mountain. “As I am already dead and this is only an inconvenience! No hard feelings!”

  You grit your teeth and kick over Skellington’s still-standing body.

  “I hate to CUT AND RUN,” you say through your manly grimace as his body collapses into a pile of bones. Then you walk away in slow motion. “KNIFE to meet you,” you say, realizing you really should’ve used that one sooner, but oh well.

  You have two options now: you can go kill more skeletons by journeying to Skeleton Homeland and smashing everyone there, or you can go home and return to your family.

  » Your country was attacked! Go to Skeleton Homeland! «

  » Go home to see your family; one skeleton is enough for one day, you think! «

  * * *

  * * *

  That is honestly the most credible of all the choices, which just made me very, very sad.

  Okay, so you used to be Ophelia and then you were King Claudius but now you’re Hamlet! Honestly, this doesn’t seem like a very fair trade to me. Listen, kid, I like you. I don’t want you to be stuck being Hamlet. Why don’t I turn my back real quick and count to 10 and when I’m not looking you...

  » be Ophelia «

  * * *

  * * *

  Really?

  Really.

  Wow. I’m glad to hear it. Honestly I’m kind of...surprised? But seriously: nicely done, Hamlet! Way to sustain someone’s interest in being your sweetie!

  Ophelia opens her mouth and says, “Um, Hamlet, I love you, but you never said you were doing this because a ghost told you to.”

  “Baby,” you say, “I know it sounds crazy, but let’s forget about it, as we now know Claudius is guilty of murder, and that doesn’t change whether or not a ghost gave me my initial suspicions.”

  Ophelia turns to Horatio. “Did you know about this ghost?” she asks.

  “He chased us. It was really spooky,” he says.

  “Really,” Ophelia says.

  Horatio nods. “I was never more spooked.”

  “Okay. Well, I trust you, Hamlet,” she says. “But this ghost had better be real.”

  Ophelia’s so awesome. You should probably be her for a while. Moving your consciousness between bodies is a free action anyway, right?

  » Be Ophelia «

  * * *

  * * *

  The body parts are now each in a bag. Nobody will suspect a thing!

  Actually, that’s not true: anyone would suspect everything. There’s blood everywhere, man.

  You have 2 turn(s) remaining.

  There are bags full of body parts here.

  » Dump bagged body parts out the window «

  » Put bagged body parts into stew «

  » Use twine on bagged body parts «

  * * *

  * * *

  Okay, this is gross but okay. You put the body parts into the stew, but it’s only a stew pot, it’s not big enough to hold a full human body. The dead head of Polonius sticks out the top, along with arms and legs and torso. If you were hoping to disguise the body as stew, this isn’t going to cut it.

  You have 2 turn(s) remaining.

  » Eat stew «

  » Remove body parts from stew «

  » Light door on fire «

  * * *

  * * *

  You throw each meaty chunk of Polonius out the window, and each hits the ground with a moist thump.

  Let’s take stock of things. You’re now covered with blood, in a room covered with blood, with a bunch of bloody body parts lying on the ground five storeys beneath you. There’s someone about to unlock the door, and you need to look non-suspicious or you’ll get caught!

  You have 2 turn(s) remaining.

  » Light door on fire «

  » Tie twine across base of door to trip whoever enters the room «

  » Jump out the window «

  * * *

  * * *

  You take a log from the fireplace and light the curtain on fire. It doesn’t really burn that well as it has blood on it, but you char it a bit. Blood’s everywhere, man.

  You’re pretty sure you wasted a turn.

  You have 2 turn(s) remaining.

  » Eat stew «

  » Light door on fire «

  » Tie twine across base of door to trip whoever enters the room «

  * * *

  * * *

  You tie a length of twine to each body part. It looks kinda cool, I guess? Your twine supply is reduced by 50%. There’s still plenty of twine left though, honestly. Look at all that twine.

  You have 2 turn(s) remaining.

  There are body parts tied with twine here.

  » Use remaining twine to tie the wall torches beneath the bags, thereby forming crude hot air balloons «

  » Use remaining twine to tie body parts together to form a giant grisly bolas «

  » Use remaining twine to tie a tripwire across the base of the door, thereby tripping whoever enters the room «

  * * *

  * * *

  You step into the quantum leap accelerator and the world around you vanishes. You’re surrounded by the darkest blackness you’ve ever seen.

  The next thing you know, the world is reassembling itself around you. Clouds and trees slowly fade into existence. You feel your body becoming real, corporeal. You hold up your hands in front of you — your hands! — watching them become more and more s
olid with each passing second as your jump approaches completion. We’re almost there, Hamlet.