by Ryan North
- Blast Him into Space, Which the Ghost Came Back While We Were Writing This to Explain Is a Vast Vacuum Where There’s No Air (See: suffocation.)
Looking over the list, you decide to trim it down a little before you make your choice. You come up with a short list of Serious Contenders:
- Stabs, as it’s the simplest and there’s swords here, like, everywhere.
- Drowning, as you think you can make it look like an accident.
- Blast Him into Space, because Hamlet insists on it.
- and also the stupid book one because, again, Hamlet insists on it.
Hamlet’s pretty satisfied with the list. “Your call, Ophelia,” he says!
What do you choose?
» Stabs «
» Drowning «
» Blast Him into Space «
» Get Him to Read a Book That’s Just Like the Murder He Committed and Then He’ll Get Nervous and Confess and Then We Can Stab Him «
* * *
* * *
Gertrude moves her rook to match again, this time noting “Rd7” in her book.
“You’re in trouble now,” she says. “Move away from that pawn, and I’ll take him, and you’ve lost. But stay close and I’ll sacrifice my rook to take him anyway, and the best you can hope for is a draw.”
“I only understood some of those words!!” you shout, and then you study the board.
» Go for the draw «
» Maybe she’s lying about taking the pawn? Still play for a win «
* * *
* * *
You move your king to stay close to the pawn, and Gertrude moves her rook to take it. You take her rook with your king, and yep, that’s it — you’re both down to a king each. Nobody can win with just a king. It’s a tie. You’ve tied! That’s something!
In fact it has a special name!
» Stalemate «
* * *
* * *
Polonius sits down on the bed beside you. “So you guys were talking about Hamlet, huh?” he asks. Your brother nods, and Polonius turns to face you.
“Hamlet only likes you because you’re smokin’ hot,” he says. “You’re an idiot if you believe him when he says you’re a great and wonderful and special person. He’ll say anything to get in your pants. He’s said that you’re a wonderful person, right?”
You agree that he has said, and written, some very beautiful things about you and that this means a lot to you.
“That proves it. Listen, you’re too dumb to understand what I’m saying, so I’m just going to order you to do the following: stop seeing him, never speak to him again, and put all thoughts of him out of your head.”
» Slap him across his face and tell him you’re not dumb and you can recognize sincere emotion in a sexual partner when you see it «
☠ Tell him — you’ll obey? And then call him your lord. And...follow him meekly out of the room? Agree with everything he and Laertes have said, because all that stuff I wrote earlier about you being an independent woman in charge of her own destiny sounds PRETTY DUMB ACTUALLY, and you’d better do whatever someone else tells you to, because anyone other than you probably knows better about your own life than you do, right? Look, I am now trying to think of the dumbest thing you can do. Please, I beg you, do not choose this option. ☠
* * *
* * *
Okay, you do all that stuff. Listen, I’m going to cut our losses here. You’re not allowed to be Ophelia for a while.
☠ Be Hamlet ☠
* * *
* * *
“Excuse me,” you say. The ghost pretends not to hear you. “Excuse me, Mister...Ghost?” you enquire, raising your hand.
“’Sup,” says the ghost.
“Hamlet tells me you want him to kill King Claudius,” you say.
“Yeppers,” says the ghost.
“Well, you’ll pardon my rudeness, but — why does a ghost need someone else to commit a murder? Ghosts can bang pots around or whatever. Can’t you just sneak up behind Claudius and hit him over the head with one?”
Hamlet pulls you aside. “Ophelia, what are you doing?”
“I’m asking a question,” you say.
“Who is this creature?” asks the ghost.
“Who am I?” you reply, incredulously. “Don’t you know? Aren’t you Hamlet Sr.?”
“She has her doubts,” Hamlet explains to the ghost.
The ghost again addresses you. “YOU DOUBT ME?” he bellows.
“I seek proof,” you say, standing your ground. The ghost becomes angrier, redder, almost changing shape. Lightning crackles around him.
“THEN HERE IS THE PROOF YOU SEEK!” he bellows, as a tremendous bolt of lightning flashes out to you.
Rather than electrocuting you, the lightning actually forms itself into a pleasant letter that deposits itself into your hand! In it, Hamlet Sr. explains that while ghosts can bang pots together, it’s hard to do, and something like murder is tricky enough to pull off when you’re corporeal. Makes sense. The note goes on to mention some of the fun times you’ve had together in the past and some of your secret shared jokes too. You laugh when you read them. Oh man, this is Hamlet’s dad, that’s for sure!
You have added the NICE NOTE to your inventory!
But already you know it’s like a birthday card, which you’ll keep for a while and then wonder when you should throw it out. The sentiment inside is still sweet, but are you going to keep a giant stack of birthday cards, growing ever larger until you’re 80? No. So let’s say you drop it now! Less heartbreak that way.
You have dropped the NICE NOTE.
» Talk about that murder thing with the ghost! «
* * *
* * *
You go over the basics of the murder plot with the ghost and Hamlet. And, surprise, you see some flaws in it that Hamlet somehow missed.
“So Hamlet is supposed to murder Claudius,” you say.
“Yes,” Hamlet and the ghost reply, in unison. Then they notice they replied in unison and fist-bump each other. Well, the ghost’s fist goes through Hamlet’s fist and stops a little inside it, but you can see what they were going for.
“And then Claudius will be dead and Hamlet will be king,” you say.
“Yes,” Hamlet and the ghost reply, in unison again. And then they fist-bump each other again and it’s even more off this time. They’re not even aligned horizontally with each other. Come on, guys.
“So what’s to prevent Claudius from becoming a ghost and seeking his own revenge?” you say, raising one eyebrow.
“Um,” says the ghost.
“In fact, can ghosts kill each other? Because then the best case for us is that one of you ghost-kills the other and then considers himself revenged. Worst case is that you can’t kill each other but instead exist as ghosts forever, which means that the two of you — each with an endless list of sins from long before anyone left alive was born — will continue to meddle in the living world, revenging yourself against each other, back and forth, for millennia to come.”
“Oh um, I think —” the ghost begins, then coughs. “No — um, yeah, I think you only become a ghost under certain circumstances.”
“Like being murdered when you still have things you want to complete on this mortal plane?” you ask.
“Oh. Right. That’d apply to Claudius too,” the ghost says. “Huh.”
» Continue talking the ghost out of murder «
» Make a counterargument for murder being a good idea «
* * *
* * *
“Even if we take all the ghost-creation issues out of the equation,” you go on, “there’s still the matter of revenge, on its own, not being an ethical act.”
“Not to mention the complicated issues surrounding vigilante capital punishment,” the ghost says.
“Exactly. I’m sorry, Ghost King Hamlet, but I don’t think this is a super rad idea,” you say. Prince Hamlet nods in agreement.
“Okay, yeah, that makes
sense. Okay. Well. Do what you can to punish him for my murder though, cool?” the ghost says.
You agree to work to uncover proof of the murder and then work within the legal system to achieve a fair punishment for Claudius.
“Sounds reasonable!” says the ghost. “Alright! I guess I’m out. Thanks for the talk; I found it really useful!”
You and Hamlet do some legwork and track down where Claudius got the poison. The poison-monger identifies Claudius in a lineup. Even though he’s the king, Claudius is not above the law, and the case goes to court. The prosecution has no witnesses to the actual murder, but means, motive, opportunity, and tons of circumstantial evidence.
Claudius is found guilty of regicide and sentenced to 30 years in prison. He’s sent to Verona, where he won’t get any special treatment from the two gentlemen drafted to guard his cell. Hamlet’s father is still dead and this won’t bring him back, but on the other hand, he’s also a ghost and you can talk to him at night. It’s a pretty fair verdict, measure for measure!
So! Turns out you scored a possible 100 out of 100 in LEGAL JUSTICE POINTS but unfortunately you only got, like, a 3 in ADVENTURE POINTS. Man, that’s baloney! That’s what you get for working within the pre-existing legal system instead of employing unpredictable vigilante adventurism, am I right??
THE END
* * *
» Restart? «
* * *
“Nope! I don’t want to murder anyone,” you decide. Prince Hamlet agrees with you.
“When I think of punishing a murder with a murder, it makes me feel like — like we’re all monkeys, you know?” he says.
“Yeah!” you say. “Like we’re all running around, bashing things with our fists when they get in our way.” You sigh. “It makes me feel crazy. I think we’re better than that.”
Hamlet nods, and you pause, thinking.
“That’s not even true,” you say, finally. “I think even if we’re NOT better than that, we should at least aspire to be.”
“Oh,” says the ghost. “Well, okay.”
“We could work within the legal system to convict him of your murder though!” you offer.
“No, that’s fine. Save that for some other ending,” the ghost says, confusing you both (but I got it because I’m the narrator).
“Anyway I guess I’m gonna go do other fun ghost stuff and not worry about murdering a guy,” the ghost says, waving goodbye. “I’ll check in later on you two kids though, so think of me before making out, because I just might be in the room!”
“Okay!!” says Prince Hamlet, really enthusiastically, which is weird. Thinking about it later, you still think it’s weird.
This whole thing was weird; I’m not gonna lie.
So! I kinda want to say “THE END” here, since you’ve rejected the adventure promised by this book. But not that much has happened to you, and I feel kinda bad about that, so let’s do a REALLY QUICK adventure here for you before the end. Ready?
Okay, you are a horse!! To eat grain, imagine yourself doing that. To eat grass, imagine yourself doing that instead! Eventually a rider takes you as his steed straight into glorious battle.
Later on, the sun explodes!!
THE END
* * *
» Restart? «
* * *
You leave Osric there, laughing to himself, and make your way out of the room. You run down the halls, trying to find someone who will help you, but the castle seems empty.
You run into the royal court, where you find Gertrude, surrounded by all of the courtiers. They’re holding court at — three in the morning? Then you see the ghost of Claudius, standing there in the middle of them.
“You live forever,” he tells them, “and physical pain is forgotten. You get reunited with your family members. Also you can fly. Being a ghost is the best thing that ever happened to me, and I want to share it.”
He notices you and waves. “Oh, speak of the devil! Hi Ophelia! Everyone, she’s the one who murdered me, and she’s the only thing standing between you and eternal ghostly happiness! Everyone will get to be a ghost if they die while trying to kill her!”
You are caught offguard as the entire royal court pounces on you and tears you to shreds. The last thing you hear is Claudius saying, “Oh, she didn’t manage to kill any of you? Ah well. You can still become ghosts if you die while trying to kill...that random guy!”
And that is the amazing story of how you died, Ophelia. So! Thanks for playing? You got killed by a bunch of people all at once, and I guess that means you get a final score of...oh, I don’t know: a solid B+?
THE END
* * *
» Restart? «
* * *
You kick down the door to the royal court.
“Queen Gertrude!” you shout. “What time is it??”
“Moon looks like it’s about three in the morningish,” she replies, glancing out the window.
“WRONG!” you shout. “It’s DEATH O’CLOCK!”
“I really think the moon looks to be about — wait, what?” she says. “Death o’clock? Are you here to kill me?”
“Yep!” you say cheerfully. “And everybody else here too! What are you all doing here anyway, having a party?”
“No, we were figuring out the best way to kill yo—”
“That’s too bad!” you shout, interrupting, sensing that your chance to make this pun is getting away from you as you draw your sword. “Because PARTYING IS SUCH SWEET SORROW!!”
Everyone in the room stares at you.
“What’s funnier is that this room is packed with people who want to kill you instead,” Gertrude says, and then waves in your direction. “Have at it, everyone!”
And that’s what the the room full of people do. Wow, attacking the queen right away didn’t really pay off, huh? You should’ve at least waited until you had some practice at murders, instead of trying to kill tons of people all at once. Live and learn, I guess! Or in your case, live and learn and then die without having a chance to use the knowledge you gained?
THE END
P.S. You don’t even come back as a ghost, what a rip!
* * *
» Restart? «
* * *
You kick down the door to the royal court. “COURT IS NOW IN SESSION, THE RIGHT HONOURABLE JUDGE EVERYBODY-DIES PRESIDING!” you shout.
“What is the meaning of this?” demands Gertrude, mom to Hamlet AND queen of the entire dang country.
“Oh crap, I didn’t think you’d be here, Gertrude, though it makes sense that you are,” you say. “Wow, hah hah, I did NOT think this through.”
“Seize her!” Gertrude yells. The entire royal court pounces on you, seizing you nicely.
“Okay, now murder her! Come on, let’s not waste any time. We don’t want her escaping,” Gertrude orders, and that’s what they do. Wow, I really think you should’ve waited till court was out of session and taken them down one by one!
This is where your story ends, Ophelia! You got killed by a bunch of politicians; it’s kind of a really stupid way to go! Life is full of choices, huh? And I guess, in the end, that’s just another way to say, “Life is full of opportunities for you to really mess things up.”
THE END
* * *
» Restart? «
* * *
“A logical defence,” Gertrude notes. Yay! You did a good move, I guess!
Gertrude picks up her right-hand bishop and sends it out so it’s parallel with your horsey guy.
“Bc4,” she writes, and looking up at you, she says, “Hey. Now my queen AND bishop are both threatening that pawn in f7. You should probably save that li’l guy.”
Wait, I see what she’s doing, Ophelia! She’s trying to mess with you! You can’t move the pawn out of the way, because then you’ll be in check from the queen. But you can defend it!
Or maybe that’s just what she WANTS you to do, and instead you should attack her queen that’s causing all these problems for you?
But on the third hand, I dunno much about chess actually, hah hah, whoops?
» Protect the pawn! Move out my queen so they’re side by side (Qe7). «
» Attack the queen! Move out my horsey so it’s threatening her (Nf6). «
» This whole queen thing is a distraction! Move my OTHER horse so it is threatening her bishop (Na5). «
* * *
* * *
“Not bad,” smirks Gertrude. “I thought I’d get you with the Scholar’s Mate there.”
“That is thematically appropriate as I used to be a scholar’s mate,” you say, “until the king’s brother killed the king and assumed the throne, so we killed him in ghost-mandated revenge, but then HIS ghost came back and convinced everyone else to kill us and they got Hamlet, but I escaped and decided to kill everyone before they could kill me first.”