by Ryan North
“Yes, I do understand your motivation,” Gertrude sighs, bringing out one of her horses and bringing it into play. “Ng1-f3,” she writes.
You mirror it, bringing out your horse as well. “Ng8-f6,” Gertrude writes and then looks up. “You seem to copy my moves whenever you’re not sure what to do,” she says. “This isn’t actually the first game of chess you’ve played, is it?”
“Um,” you say.
But then in a surprise move, the game proceeds from there pretty well, actually! You exchange pieces of equal value most of the time, until finally you’re in this position:
Gertrude has the advantage, but it’s your move, Ophelia. You can still win this. But you can still also lose this. You can still lose this really easily, actually.
I guess it’s all up to you, huh?
» Move the pawn forward (c7) «
» Move the king away (Kb5) «
* * *
* * *
“Nice try,” Gertrude says, “but you’re not promoting that pawn.” Gertrude moves her castle to match your king’s position. “Check,” she says, while writing down “Rd6+” in her notes.
You have to get out of check, Ophelia! You need to fix this, lady! Looks like the only way to do that now is by moving your king. You can either move down towards the pawn or up away from it.
PICK ONE; DON’T PICK THE DUD CHOICE THOUGH, OKAY?
» Move down towards pawn (Kb7) «
» Move up away from pawn (Kb5) «
* * *
* * *
You swerve your king towards Gertrude’s castle. Rather than have it captured, Gertrude moves it one square backwards. “Rd4,” she writes.
This is your opportunity, and you take it. You move your pawn towards the finish line and, AS IF BY MAGIC, it is now a queen.
“Write that down in your little book,” you say triumphantly.
“Okay,” Gertrude says, and she writes down “c7-c8Q” with a little frowny face next to it. I don’t think she’s happy, Ophelia!
You’ve got her now. Suddenly, it’s like the board opens up to you. You can read it. Possible futures reveal themselves to you. In one brilliant moment, you realize that if Gertrude moves her king, you could move down your new queen and put her king in check, and checkmate won’t be far away. And if she doesn’t move her king, then you could move your queen over and put her king in check from the edge of the board.
Anticipating your strategy, Gertrude moves her castle to the edge of the board. “Rd4-a4,” she writes.
It doesn’t matter. Nothing she does can stop you now. You bring your queen up next to your king (Qc8-c3+), putting her in check. Her only option is to move the king down one space (Ka1-a2), and then you move your queen right up to the king (Qc3-b2#), and hey, that’s checkmate. Suddenly, those chess symbols Gertrude has been writing down make sense. You’re stunned to realize you’ve actually been using them yourself this entire paragraph!
Ophelia! I think you just levelled up at chess! And you beat Gertrude so badly that now she has to kill herself!
Yeah, I definitely think you just levelled up at chess!
» Win chess «
* * *
* * *
“Wow,” Gertrude says. “You won, fair and square. Though I can’t help but feel like we could play that game again 10 more times and you’d lose each time.”
“Maybe, but not this time,” you say. “Probably because I just levelled up at chess.”
“Why are you killing everyone?” Gertrude asks, obviously trying to delay her own death.
“You know why,” you say. “The ghost of King Claudius has promised everyone great rewards and powers in the ghost afterlife, but only if they die trying to kill me. As such, he’s turned everyone against me.”
“Yes, but by killing them, aren’t you dooming yourself to be haunted by ghosts for the rest of your life?”
“I don’t care. If I’m haunted by ghosts, I’ll cut them. I’ll bust them up,” you say. You glance down at your bloodied sword and fists.
“Bustin’ makes me feel good,” you add.
“Well, a deal’s a deal,” Gertrude says. “I promised I’d kill myself.” She stands up to do just that. “Be sure to tell everyone that you beat someone at chess so badly that they died!” she adds.
“That was kinda the whole point of that chess game!” you reply.
After Gertrude’s dead (and no, I’m not telling you how it happened, you are a SICKO for even wanting to know, what is WRONG with you, also you MURDERED A WHOLE TOWN and that’s weird too, now that I think about it), you’re left alone, successful in your mission.
“Who has two thumbs and killed everyone in Hamlet?” you ask, again meaning to say “a hamlet” or “this hamlet,” but misspeaking and mis-capitalizing at the same time.
Nobody answers, because they’re all dead.
“Me,” you tell them.
THE END
P.S. A few days later you move a couple of towns over and start a new life as a professional chess player!
I know!
This is a pretty good ending, all things considered!!
* * *
» Restart? «
* * *
It’s been several years since you first decided to kill Claudius. During that time, you and Hamlet have been going out at night, getting fake drunk, and then making out in the bushes.
It’s actually pretty nice.
Finally, you’re interrupted by Claudius, who has seen you in the bushes. Claudius is wasted and says, “Hey, what’s going on here? Ophelia? Hamlet? I’m so wasted, but are you guys making out in the bushes?”
“Oh crap,” you say, pulling your shirt down. “Claudius, um...can you hold on a second?” Damn it, where did you leave those swords?
“Sure, I’ll wait right over here,” says the king of all of Denmark.
You and Hamlet quickly find some swords and run Claudius through with them. He’s too surprised to say much beyond “What? Why now?” and “Owie ow ow” and then he’s dead and you and Hamlet are running back to the drinking hall.
You show up, establish your alibi, and then go to bed.
The next day, Claudius is found dead, but I’ve got to tell you, a lot has changed in the three years that you’ve been kissing in the bushes. Claudius has been a reasonably successful king, and the people miss him. Hamlet is made king but struggles to rule effectively, the both of you having put all of your points over the past several years into maxing out kissing, and not regality. You do get married, however, and to the credit of your pumped-up kissing stat, the “I now pronounce you husband and wife: you may kiss” moment WAS basically incredible.
You help your husband out as best you can, but he ends up having an entirely middle-of-the-road kingship, and that’s WITH your help. History books remember him as “an okay guy, I guess,” which is weird because normally they’re more formal than that.
You die old and reasonably satisfied!
This is a reasonably satisfying ending!!
THE END
* * *
» Restart? «
* * *
Man, that took awhile.
» Let’s continue «
* * *
* * *
“I’m going to end this madness now. I’m going to let you live,” you say.
“Thanks,” says Osric, “but no thanks. Would rather be a ghost, if it’s all the same to you.”
“I’m not going to kill you!” you shout at him.
“Fine. Then I’ll kill you. Or at least, I’ll keep trying, over and over and over again. I’m not gonna stop, sweetie, until you’re dead. The only way to stop me is to kill me.”
He looks like he means it.
If you untie Osric now, he’ll probably attack you. If you leave him tied up, he’ll get loose eventually and then attack you. Either way, you’re going to be attacked by him in the near future, and he is going to try to kill you. On the other hand, he’s tied up right now, which gives you a
distinct advantage in the “who is killing whom” department.
» Leave him tied up and escape «
» Kill him now «
* * *
* * *
You walk calmly to your closet, retrieve a sword, and walk calmly back to Osric. “Okay. You killed the man I love,” you say, “AND you did it in the bed I love, and now they’re both ruined and covered in blood and for that I am going to kill you.”
“Go nuts,” he says.
You do.
Osric laughs the whole time. Just before he dies, Osric holds up one hand to get you to stop. “Wait, wait, wait a second,” he says. “I have to ask you a question.”
You point your sword at his neck. “Better not take too long,” you say. “I’m not sure how much blood you have left in there.”
Osric looks at the sword, then up at you. He’s smiling.
“What makes you think,” he says, grinning through a mouth full of blood and broken teeth, “that I was the only one Claudius talked to?”
“What?” you say.
“He talked to everyone. He promised them everything. They all —”
Osric slams his head down on your sword, cutting his face.
“— want you —”
Osric slams his head down again, cutting deeper.
“— dead.”
Then Osric slams his head down on your sword, cleaving his skull in two. Oh my gosh. I can’t believe he did that. That’s disgusting. What the heck, dude?
You look around the room. Hamlet’s dead. Osric’s dead. And everyone you know has been given a really good reason to want you murdered. This is going to be a challenging day, Ophelia, and you’re only three hours into it.
You go to a window and look out into the night. You can’t bring Hamlet back, and if he IS a ghost, then you’ll meet him eventually. But not now. Right now you’ve got plenty to live for, and lots you want to do before you die.
By way of an example, one of the things you want to do is kill everyone in town before they kill you first.
You pick up your sword, wipe it clean on Osric’s body, and re-sheath it in its scabbard. “Looks like it’s time to KILL EVERYONE IN HAMLET and chew bubblegum, and I’m all out of gum,” you whisper to yourself.
What you meant was “Looks like it’s time to kill everyone in THIS hamlet,” referring, of course, to the small town that the castle is in, but it’s early and nobody heard you anyway, so no harm no foul, right?
Okay, Ophelia. Let’s do this. Let’s have a living person take personal revenge in this story for once.
Let’s, as you say, kill everyone in Hamlet.
» Kill everyone in the royal court! «
» Kill Polonius and Laertes «
» Kill the background characters in your life (Rosencrantz, Guildenstern, those gravediggers that are always slacking off, etc.) one by one «
* * *
* * *
You decide to track down these background characters and kill them one by one. You also decide to have a little conversation with each of the people you murderize, because that sounds like a lot of fun.
First up are the gravediggers. You catch them at night, digging a grave. Surprise!
“Whose grave is this?” you ask.
“Why, it’s my grave,” the first gravedigger responds. “Because I’m the one digging it, see? Tee hee! I use that line all the time and it never gets old! Hah hoo hee.”
You raise an eyebrow. “Who is the grave actually for, though?”
“Oh, it’s for Ophelia. Ghost of the king says if I try to kill her and fail, then I’ll get to be a ghost, and being a ghost is great. Do you know her, this Ophelia?”
“Yeah, pretty well,” you answer. “She thinks she’d be pretty good at burying someone alive, but I bet you could do a better job.”
“Oh, well, probably not actually!” he replies. “There’s not that much to it. You just need to knock someone out so they don’t struggle, then bury them, then say a good one-liner as you walk away, like ‘Oh look, someone’s walking on your grave.’”
“Got it,” you say, knocking him and his friend over the head with the flat edge of your sword, sending them into unconsciousness. You bury them together in their fresh grave, filling it up with dirt, patting the last of the dirt down with their shovel.
“Nobody likes being buried alive!” you shout over your shoulder as you walk away. You stop in your tracks and turn around.
“But don’t worry! In a few minutes, you’ll just be buried!”
NICE. Okay! Who’s next?
» Rosencrantz and Guildenstern (Hamlet’s friends) «
» Marcellus, Bernardo, and Francisco (those sentry dudes!) «
» Those courtiers who are always hanging out in the royal court «
* * *
* * *
You arrive at the house of Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, best buds of Hamlet. They live in Rosencrantz’s mom’s basement!
“Hello Mrs. Rosencrantz,” you say politely as she answers her door. “Are Rosencrantz and Guildenstern home?”
“Yeah, they’re downstairs,” she says. As you walk down the stairs, you become aware of Mrs. Rosencrantz behind you, carrying a large knife.
“Why Mrs. Rosencrantz, you wouldn’t be planning to kill me, would you?” you say. She answers by trying to stab you in the back, but you dodge, use her own momentum against her, and send her flying down the stairs. Rosencrantz and Guildenstern look up from the game they’re playing to see her body hit the landing.
“That,” you say as you descend and step over the mangled Mrs. Rosencrantz, “is going to keep happening.”
Ten minutes later, after several trips carrying Rosencrantz and Guildenstern up the stairs and then pushing them down again, all that’s left of them are two bruised and broken bodies, their lifeless eyes gazing back at you.
“Hey,” you say, “it’s not polite...to STARE.”
TWO IN A ROW!
Who do you want to kill next?
» Marcellus, Bernardo, and Francisco (those sentry dudes!) «
» Those courtiers who are always hanging out in the royal court «
* * *
* * *
These are all, like, soldier guys, so they’ll be a bit harder to kill. On the other hand, you HAVE just killed several dudes.
The three of them are up on a castle parapet, looking out over the edge at the ground far below. You walk up behind them. “Hey boys, seen any ghosts lately?” you say.
“Actually, yes, two of them!” replies Bernardo, turning around. “And one said that if I die while trying to kill Ophelia, I’ll gain ghost powe—”
The sentence dies on his lips when he sees you.
“Boo,” you say.
Bernardo runs at you, but you sidestep him easily, and he falls over the edge of the parapet and hits the ground far below with a sickening crunch.
“Leaving so soon?” you say.
Marcellus and Francisco glance at each other, then run at you, their swords drawn. You duck and spin, cutting off their feet. They fall off the edge as well, landing near Bernardo. You kick their disembodied feet off the parapet and down onto their lifeless bodies.
“Go on,” you say, “shoo.”
OH WOW, THAT WAS A TERRIBLE PUN SINCE THEY WEREN’T EVEN WEARING SHOES, BUT WE’RE STILL COUNTING IT FOR THREE IN A ROW!!
All that’s left of these background characters are the courtiers! These murders you’ve done so far have taken a while, so it’s early morning now and the royal court is not in session anymore (I should tell you that the royal court hours are from midnight to 4 a.m. and noon to 6 p.m.; it’s weird but whatever). No worries though! YOU’LL JUST TRACK THEM DOWN AND KILL THEM INDIVIDUALLY.
» Kill courtiers «
* * *
* * *
You decide to let your father and brother live! The three of you spend all day hanging out in this big empty town with all the corpses in it, but it’s kinda tense because you’re surrounded by
decaying corpses, and also Laertes and Polonius know you killed everyone and could kill them at any time, not to mention that you’re always keeping them at swordpoint.
“Aren’t we having fun?” you ask, throwing your arms around the shoulders of your family members. “Aren’t we one big happy family?”
Polonius and Laertes laugh awkwardly and mumble, “Yeah.”
You squeeze their shoulders, too hard.
“It’s great,” squeaks Laertes.
That evening, you don’t come across any ghosts. Seems like they’re all too freaked out about this whole situation to hang around. Later that night, Laertes tries to sneak out of town to get help, but you catch him, and you and your sword persuade him to go back to bed.
“There’s only one way out of this little hamlet,” you say.