To Be or Not To Be

by Ryan North

  Yep, everything certainly is going great for you, Ophelia!

  To end this story on a happy note, stop reading right...now.

  Okay!

  So, as I was saying, everything is certainly going great for you, Ophelia! Until that night, anyway, when HAMLET IS MURDERED IN HIS SLEEP BY THE ROYAL COURT COURTIER, OSRIC.

  » Whoah, what? Save Hamlet! «

  * * *

  * * *

  Didn’t you notice me use the past tense? He’s already dead! You and Hamlet were sleeping together (literally: you were literally sleeping together) (that still sounds weird: look, I mean to say you were both asleep and literally not having sex) when Osric, Claudius’s favourite courtier, snuck in and slit Hamlet’s throat.

  You only survived because his gurgling woke you up in time to see Osric’s blade creeping towards you. You threw yourself out of bed and grabbed the bedside table, knocking Osric over the head with it. He was out cold, but it was too late for your boyfriend. Hamlet’s dead.

  And you are cheesed.

  Right now, Osric is bound to a chair, with a gag in his mouth. You want him to answer a few questions. You undo the gag and he spits at you. In return, you break his nose.

  “Who sent you?” you demand.

  “Claudius,” he says. “He’s a ghost now. Says he wants revenge. Says you two killed him. Says he’s not going to rest until you’re dead.” It looks like your worst-case scenario came true, Ophelia.

  “What’s to stop me from killing you?” you demand.

  “Nothing. Claudius said it’d probably end up this way. Didn’t think I’d be able to kill either of you. Guess he was only half right,” Osric says, and then laughs.

  “Then why would you do it?” you ask, incredulous. “Why would you try to kill me, knowing you’d fail and that I’d kill you in return?”

  “Because if you kill me now I’ve got some unfinished business, and that means I get to be a ghost,” Osric says. “Claudius says being a ghost is great. Says when I meet him in ghostland he’s going to set me up real nice.”

  He coughs up some blood and then meets your gaze, unblinking.

  “Can’t wait,” he says.

  » Kill Osric «

  » Let Osric live «

  * * *

  * * *

  You burst into your family’s quarters to find your father, Polonius, and your brother, Laertes, sitting there.

  “I thought you went to France!” you tell him.

  “Cancelled my trip when I learned that HUMAN CONSCIOUSNESS CAN SURVIVE THE DEATH OF A BODY,” Laertes says. “That was kind of a big deal.”

  “Oh, hey Ophelia!” says Polonius. “Speaking of that! You won’t believe this, but the ghost of the king wants me to kill you and then I’ll get ghost powers!”

  “You didn’t agree to it though, right?” you ask. “Since I’m your daughter and we’re all family?”

  “Oh, absolutely, we’re family and you’re my daughter. But the thing is,” Polonius says, drawing his sword, “I always wanted sons.”

  Laertes draws his sword as well. “And I’m easily manipulated by my father and sexist too!” he says. “Plus, you came here to kill us, right? You don’t normally come home with your sword drawn.”

  “Right,” you say. “Oh well. This family was always a little too big for my taste anyway.”

  You fight. It’s two against one, and I hate to say it, Ophelia, but you need more practice. You’re just not ready to take these guys on yet. Listen, you get killed and it’s awful and I don’t even want to talk about it.

  THE END

  Okay, so when you try again, remember that there’s nothing wrong with getting a few practice murders in first! Beyond the obvious of murder being wrong, I mean. But, hah hah, we’re way past that, am I right? Waaaaay past that.

  Here’s your mulligan.

  » Go back a move a try it again «

  * * *

  * * *

  These are soldier-type dudes! I don’t think you’re ready to take on these guys so soon. And man, if you don’t have the narrator on your side, what hope do you have?

  LET’S FIND OUT, SHALL WE??

  The three of them are up on a castle parapet, looking out over the edge at the ground far below. You walk up behind them. “Hey boys, seen any ghosts lately?” you say.

  “Actually, yes, two of them!” replies Bernardo, turning around. “And one said that if I die while trying to kill Ophelia, I’ll gain ghost powe—”

  The sentence dies on his lips when he sees you.

  “Boo,” you say.

  Bernardo runs at you, slamming his body into you. You fall off the edge of the parapet, twisting your body in mid-air and catching the edge of the castle at the last second.

  Bernardo starts stomping on your fingers. “Ow!” you say. “Ow! That hurts!”

  “I don’t care! I’m trying to kill you!” says Bernardo.

  “Owwwww!” you say, grabbing the ledge with both hands. As Bernardo raises his foot to bring it down hard on you, you thrust yourself up and grab his ankle with one hand. You pull his leg as hard as you can and he goes tumbling over the castle wall. You watch, hanging precariously, as he lands on the ground below in a wet squishy heap.

  You turn around and peer up over the edge and see Francisco and Marcellus looking at you in shock.

  “Come on, don’t be shy!” you shout at them. “I don’t bite!”

  Wow, Ophelia! You’re — you’re actually doing a really good job here.

  » Thank the narrator «

  * * *

  * * *

  You’re welcome.

  That’s very gracious of you.

  » Back to the fight! «

  * * *

  * * *

  You’re still hanging off the edge of the parapet.

  “Alright,” Marcellus says as he walks slowly towards you, twirling his sword. “Let’s see how long you can hang on without hands.” He brings down his sword suddenly, aiming for your wrist. You shift your hand quickly to avoid the slice. He tries again, and you dodge again.

  “This is how you get your kicks?” you say, a note of desperation in your voice. “By killing innocent women??”

  Marcellus ignores you. “Francisco! Help me out!” he shouts over his shoulder, and seconds later Francisco and Marcellus are both raising their swords. At the last second you bring your arms together in the middle of the ledge, just barely dodging their attack. You’re not sure you can pull that move off again.

  “Again!” Francisco shouts, and they both bring up their swords for the kill. As they do, you simply lift up your hands and fall.

  Francisco and Marcellus look at where your hands were, just a second ago, in shock.

  “Huh,” Marcellus says.

  “That was...easy,” Francisco says.

  Francisco peers over the edge of the parapet, hoping to see your lifeless body lying on the ground below. That’s when you stab him in the eye with your sword, pull his body over the edge with a flick of your wrist, flip up from the window ledge you were standing on, stab Marcellus in the chest, put your boot next to the wound, and with one solid kick, you send him sliding off your sword and over the edge to join his friend.

  “That’s how I get mine,” you say.

  NICE!!

  Okay, who’s next? A bunch of courtiers or Rosencrantz and Guildenstern?

  » Kill all the courtiers «

  » Kill Rosencrantz and Guildenstern «

  * * *

  * * *

  You arrive at the house of Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, best buds of Hamlet. They live in Rosencrantz’s mom’s basement!

  “Hello Mrs. Rosencrantz,” you say politely as she answers her door. “Are Rosencrantz and Guildenstern home?”

  “Yeah, they’re downstairs,” she says. As you walk down the stairs, you become aware of Mrs. Rosencrantz behind you, carrying a large knife.

  “Why Mrs. Rosencrantz, you wouldn’t be planning to kill me, would you?” you say. She
answers by trying to stab you in the back, but you dodge, take the knife from her, and stab her right in the eye.

  “Look what you made me do,” you say.

  I see what you did there.

  Anyway, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern hear this noise and run upstairs. You hide at the top landing and they run right past you. You knock on the wall to get their attention. They turn.

  “Hey Rosencrantz! Hey Guildenstern! I’m here to kill you now,” you say.

  They look at each other, and then at you.

  “You don’t have the guts,” Guildenstern finally says with all the bravado he can muster.

  “Huh. Let’s see if you do,” you say and, in a lightning quick strike, slice open his belly. It’s gross, but it works pretty good for the joke, so good work.

  Guildenstern falls to the ground, dead or pretty much about to be. Rosencrantz backs up away from you, into the kitchen. “You wouldn’t stab a man in a kitchen, would you?” he asks.

  “I don’t...why wouldn’t I?” you say.

  “Just stalling for time!” Rosencrantz shouts as he picks up a knife from the kitchen counter and lunges at you. You dodge and kick him in the chest, which sends him stumbling back into the kitchen. He hits the wall, which sends the pots and pans stored on top of the cupboards down on top off him. Some of them are cast-iron frying pans. They’re really heavy. They’re so heavy that they kill him when they hit him on the head.

  You pick up one of the cast-iron frying pans off Rosencrantz’s body and test its weight in your hand.

  “I’d say that’s about 10 pounds,” you say, and for both our sakes I’m assuming you’re not trying to make a “pound as in hit” pun, because wow. Wow. Ophelia, what are you even doing?

  Okay! All that’s left of these background characters are the courtiers! These murders you’ve done so far have taken awhile, so it’s early morning now and the royal court is not in session anymore (I should tell you that the royal court hours are from midnight to 4 a.m. and noon to 6 p.m.; it’s weird but whatever). No worries though! YOU’LL JUST TRACK THEM DOWN AND KILL THEM INDIVIDUALLY.

  » Kill courtiers «

  * * *

  * * *

  WOW, there are a lot of courtiers. You hide out until nightfall and sneak into their houses, killing each of them in hilarious ways. While you do that, you try to imagine how you’d recount their deaths to a third party, perhaps in prose. You reflect that one of the advantages writing has over, say, real life, is that you can say things quickly without having to go into too much detail. Is it cheating your audience? “I mean, it can be,” you reason, “but it isn’t necessarily cheating.”

  “Probably my audience wouldn’t want to read about dozens of grisly murders, no matter how good my one-liners are at the end.”

  “Even if I did cut off the top of someone’s head so that their brains fell into their hands while I said, ‘Hold that thought,’” you add.

  “And then I said, ‘Oh wow, that was just off the top of my head!’” you conclude.

  Anyway, long story short, all the courtiers are dead and it was awesome!!

  All that’s left are Polonius and Laertes, Queen Gertrude, and a bunch of people you barely see but who are still technically all up in your hamlet. You decide to kill those people you barely know first, so you’ll be levelled up as much as possible for your climactic showdown.

  There’s a priest who hangs around town (“Say your prayers,” you say), a chef (“Try tonight’s special: skewers”) a few shopkeepers (“We’re having a big sale on stabs this weekend, and EVERYTHING MUST GO”), some ambassadors (“I’m afraid you’ve been recalled...TO HELL”), and so on until the only people left are people you know.

  So!

  This is it, Ophelia. There are only three more people left to kill.

  Next up: will it be patricide and fratricide with Polonius and Laertes, or a taste of regicide with Queen Gertrude herself?

  » Kill Polonius and Laertes «

  » Kill Gertrude «

  * * *

  * * *

  You decide to play this one cool — rather than chopping her head off, you make a poison pill sandwich (that’s all it is: pills full of poison between two slices of bread) and give it to Gertrude to eat.

  At swordpoint.

  She starts to say something to you, but then her mouth is too full of sandwich for you to really make it out. Gertrude dies shortly thereafter! Cause of death? SANDWICH OVERDOSE. It’s not a bad way to go, really. If you have to die, you’d like it to be doing something you love, and you do love a good sammich.

  You sit down next to the cooling body to collect your thoughts. So far you have killed everyone in the town and gotten away with it. All that’s left — the only two living people here besides yourself — are your brother and father. Do you really want to kill them?

  » If you decide to go for 100%, choose this option «

  » If you decide that second place isn’t so bad, choose this option «

  * * *

  * * *

  You walk into your family’s quarters.

  “Dad,” you say, nodding to Polonius. “Bro,” you say, nodding to Laertes. “What is up?” As you say that, you notice Polonius and Laertes both have their swords drawn and are advancing on you.

  “Now, simmer down, fellas,” you say. “We’re all family here, right? I’m sure if a ghost told you to murder me you’d come talk to me about it and not attack me outright, right?” Polonius’s response is to jab his sword at you. You parry it easily, sending his sword skittering across the room. His hand is attached to it.

  “Really, Dad? Well Laertes, brother o’ mine, you’re certainly not going to try to kill me, right?” Laertes’ response is to jab his sword at you too. It works just as well for him as it did for his father, and now both men face you, unarmed. Well, unhanded anyway. Partially unhanded. You cut off their dominant hands is what I’m trying to say.

  “Well. Seems I have the advantage, guys. So! Let me ask you a question. What’s better, patricide or fratricide?”

  They look at each other.

  “Give up?” you say. “Me too. Let’s find out!”

  You slice Polonius and Laertes into tiny chunks.

  “Tied for first,” you eventually conclude.

  They were the last two living people here, besides yourself. And now they’re totally dead!!

  » Everyone is dead «

  * * *

  * * *

  You bring forward your pawn, and in response, Gertrude retreats her queen — right over to the other pawn you moved out earlier, capturing it.

  “Qh5xe5+,” she writes. “Oh, and check.” she says. Darn it, Ophelia! WHAT ARE YOU DOING; THIS GAME IS REALLY IMPORTANT.

  There’s no place you can move your king to safety, but you can block the queen with a few different pieces. Any piece you offer you’re likely to lose though, but you don’t really have a choice. Which piece will it be?

  » Block with my queen (Qd8-e7) «

  » Block with my bishop (Bf8-e7) «

  » Block with my horse (Ng8-e7) «

  * * *

  * * *

  You do so, and Gertrude moves her king forward one square (Kf4-f3).

  The only non-suicidal move open to you is to move your king down a square too, which you do (Kh4-h3). Gertrude counters this by moving her pawn down one tile (g6-g5). Again, you’re left with only one option: retreating your king (Kh3-h2) and boy I hope these notations make sense to you, because if not, hah hah, wow we are screwed here.

  Gertrude advances her pawn again (g5-g4) and AGAIN there is no option for you but to retreat, which you do. You fall back to Kh2-h1, Gertrude takes your pawn with her king, and um — that’s it! You’ve got no more pieces left to fight with.

  You just lost.

  Remember when I said you can’t win chess with just a king, Ophelia? I wasn’t lying, it’s a real rule! And I’m sorry, but I don’t make the rules. As far as I know the rules were made thousands of years
ago by kings or whoever; anyway they’re all dead but we’re still doing what they told us to do.

  Gertrude makes a few more moves to get her pieces in place, and then it’s...

  » Checkmate «

  * * *

  * * *

  Gertrude looks at the board, looks at you, and smiles beatifically.

  “Checkmate,” she says.

  You look down at the board, trying out all the possibilities you can see. She’s right. There’s no move you can make. You’ve lost.

  “Looks like you don’t get to kill me after all!” she says, flipping the table.

  Attached to the underside of the table are two short-swords that she grabs in mid-air. She takes a swipe at you, which you dodge.