“Yes, but that’s because I didn’t know the damage was permanent!” Abby argued, feeling really stupid now.
“But wasn’t this something to cling onto, the thought that you might just be able to live a normal life, that you could learn to live with it?”
Abby shook her head. “I’d fooled myself into believing there was hope, you mean.”
But then, almost as soon as those words were out of her mouth, the realisation hit her and she understood. She looked up and realised that Hannah was wearing a satisfied expression on her face.
“That was it?” she asked, things finally beginning to make sense. “That was why it came about? To give me back a sense of hope?”
The psychologist nodded. “How else can anyone deal with the dark times in life? There has to be some light at the end of the tunnel. You might call it fooling yourself Abby, but didn’t it indeed give you back that all-important optimism? The belief that you might be able to beat this thing fuelled everything you did this year, and gave you additional benefits that you and I could never have imagined.”
Well yes, that was true Abby admitted but now she was right back to square one, wasn’t she?
“Are you?” Hannah replied when she put this to her. “Are you really? It’s been a year since your last seizure, you’ve started living your life with unquestionable gusto and at the same time, you’ve even managed to find a failsafe way of holding onto your memories. Abby, whether you admit it or not, hope has given you a way to beat this thing, and not only that but through meeting Finn, you’ve also managed to move on with the rest of your life.”
At this, Abby looked away guiltily.
“What?” Hannah queried, seeing her expression.
“Not any more.” Although her tone was hard, her eyes filled with tears and her voice croaked.
“What do you mean?”
“I’m going to end things, Hannah. I have to. When he finds out that all of this has been a big lie.”
The other woman’s eyes widened. “But you haven’t lied to anyone, Abby! OK, so yes to a certain degree you’ve lied to yourself, but– ”
“I can’t expect him to live with this, to live with the knowledge that I could black out at any time, and end up losing all memory of our time together. It isn’t fair.”
“But he loves you, and if he knew– ”
“It doesn’t matter.” Abby interjected. “I’ve made my decision. I’m not going to be a burden on him–I can’t be.”
“Well, as your fiancé, don’t you think he should have some say in this decision?” Hannah pointed out.
“But I would never know!” Abby cried, the truth coming out now. “I would never know if he was staying with me out of pity, knowing that I’m a ticking time bomb and that the tiniest bit of stress might set me off. What kind of a marriage could anyone have in a situation like that? Hannah, please don’t make this any harder than it already is.”
“Well, I’m sorry but I really think you’re making a big mistake. Finn’s partly the reason you’re doing so well Abby, probably the main reason you’re doing so well and –”
“Exactly! So how is it fair of me to expect him to live with the obligation of being entirely responsible for my well-being? If the situation was reversed I know I wouldn’t be entirely comfortable with it. So I’ve decided to put an end to it now, before this thing ends up destroying both of us.”
“I can’t believe you would be so willing to throw it all away–”
“I’m not willing Hannah, as far as I’m concerned I have no choice! It’s because I love him so much that I have to end it.” Abby bit back tears. “There’s no future for us– knowing what I do now.”
Hannah still seemed unconvinced. “And are you going to tell him the truth? When he comes back from Manchester are you going to tell him what you’ve learned?”
“I don’t know,” Abby lied. “I haven’t decided yet.”
When she returned to the flat, she switched on her mobile and listened to her voicemail.
“Abs, hi it’s me,” Finn said. “What’s happened, are you OK? I’m sorry I missed you earlier–I was in a meeting, but I have the phone on now, so ring me when you get this, OK? I’m worried about you…”
The mere sound of his voice sent daggers through her heart, and she knew there and then that this would have be done as quickly and remotely as possible. She would never be able to do it otherwise. She would not allow herself to see him in person otherwise she knew she would never be able to go through with it. How could she look into those kind, gentle, and seemingly fathomless brown eyes and not falter?
Playing the message once more, Abby sunk to the floor on her knees. Was she crazy doing this, like Hannah and Erin both clearly thought she was?
“Abby no,” Erin pleaded, when following her meeting with Hannah, Abby called over to her friend’s house to let her know that she now knew the truth. Having had a long heart-to-heart about it all, Erin too was worried but at the same time hugely relieved that everyone was now all out in the open.
Then Abby confessed to her friend what she’d planned.
“There must be another way,” Erin argued. “There’s always another way. He loves you and you love him. You’re getting married.”
“But how can I expect him to live with this, knowing what I do about his mother and what he went through as a child? All Finn wants is a secure and loving family, that’s all he’s ever wanted, and now I know he can never have that with me.”
“It’s not up to you to make that decision though. Finn loves you and he knows what he’s getting into.”
“No, he doesn’t,” she insisted. “As far as he’s concerned it’s still only a possibility. Who knows what he’ll think when he finds out that it’s a certainty and has been all along? Erin, I can’t put him through that and I can’t face the possibility that he’ll stay with me out of pity!”
“Well if he’s the guy I think he is, I suspect he’d do no such thing.”
“Erin, his father put up with his mother out of duty for a long time, and I know from Finn the damage it caused to the family. I can’t do the same thing to him. I just can’t. Think about it. With the way I am, we could never have kids, never have the kind of normal that like other people do.”
Erin considered this and to Abby’s relief seemed to understand her reasoning “But you can’t just break it off and say nothing. Surely he’ll wonder why it came out of the blue just like that. He won’t accept that you want to end things for no apparent reason.”
“It won’t be for no reason,” Abby said determinedly, having already considered this. “As far as he’s concerned it’ll be for a different reason entirely.”
After spending the last few hours persuading Erin (and indeed herself) that this was realistically the only course of action she could take, Abby now found herself alone in the flat, surrounded by ironically, tangible memories of the happiest time of her life.
Was Erin right? she wondered, staring at a recent photograph of her and Finn together. Should she risk throwing all it away in the belief that he wouldn’t want her once he found out the truth?
She was sure he loved her, there was no question about that, but didn’t he in turn deserve someone who could love him completely, and who wasn’t the equivalent of a ticking time bomb, ready to explode any time soon?
And they couldn’t go through the same charade over and over again, it was crazy and pointless and completely unfair to both of them, but mostly to Finn.
How would she feel if he woke up one day and had absolutely no memory of knowing her and loving her or of the experiences they’d shared, normal everyday things that normal couples shared.
She’d put up with it certainly but how long could it realistically last? Could she see herself in ten years time doing the same thing and going through the same scenario every time something happened? No, it wasn’t fair to expect that of someone, no matter how much they might love you now. Things changed and marriage was hard at the b
est of times, never mind something like this.
When researching Alzheimers that time, Abby had read firsthand how devastated and hurt the families of sufferers were when a loved one failed to recognise and remember them. She couldn’t expect Finn to go through that every time she lost her memory, it would feel every time as if a little piece of him was worn down, and eventually he would grow to resent her.
And conversely, how would Abby react each time she woke up knowing that she was married to someone who as far as she was concerned was a complete stranger? Who knew what kind of a reaction she would have, or the stress she’d put them both under by having to relearn everything about their marriage. It wasn’t right and it wasn’t normal and Abby knew she couldn’t put Finn through it. And that was only the start of it, as she’d tried to explain to Erin, what if by some stupid reasoning, they decided to have kids? Would Abby have to get to know them all over again every time too?
No, it was crazy; she couldn’t do this to herself or to Finn. What was happening to her wasn’t normal, and while she now had to try and figure out what to do with the rest of her life, she couldn’t drag Finn down with her. He deserved so much better.
Realising that she didn’t have the courage (or indeed the energy) to speak to him that night, she decided to send him a quick text and then think about it some more overnight.
Hi, sorry about earlier, don’t mind me– I’m fine now. Was over at Erin’s and only back now. Will talk tomorrow OK? X
As much as she wanted to, Abby couldn’t bring herself to end the text in their usual way by telling him she loved him. And she realised miserably, if she went ahead with her plan, it was unlikely she’d ever have the opportunity to do so again.
****
He phoned first thing the following morning.
“Hey it’s me, what’s going on?”
Abby’s heart plummeted at the sound of his voice. She hadn’t slept a wink the previous night, instead she’d tossed and turned and fretted until daybreak. While last night she’d convinced herself beyond doubt that she was doing the right thing, hearing him on the other end of the line was now seriously testing her convictions.
“Hi,” she said quietly. “Nothing much.”
“Well what about that message you left me yesterday? You sounded really upset.”
Abby swallowed hard. “I was, but I’m OK now.”
“You’re sure?”
“Yes, it was nothing honestly.”
“Well, I’m not sure if I heard right ‘cos you were speaking so fast, but did you mention something about bumping into Kieran?”
“That’s right yes.” Abby tried to keep her tone even and there was a brief pause before he spoke again.
“So how did that go then?”
“It was … strange,” she said hesitating a little. She’d thought about doing it over the phone, but it wasn’t fair and in any case, she knew he wouldn’t accept it. Much better to just wait until she saw him in person. Still, would she able to do it if he was standing right in front of her in such close proximity? It would be agonising but still she would have to do it.
“Strange,” he repeated and Abby knew he was waiting to hear more.
“Yes, look can we talk about this when you get back?” she said, again trying to keep her voice as normal as possible although in reality her hands were shaking and her legs felt like jelly.
“OK, well I’ll see you this afternoon then. All going well I should be home around three. I’ll pop over to Dad’s to collect Lucy and then we’ll both come over to you– ”
“Maybe better not to bring Lucy this time,” Abby interjected, trying to think of some excuse not to have her around for what she was about to do. No doubt it would make it even harder. “It’s just um … well I’ve cleaned the carpet and I don’t want her hairs getting all over it.”
Finn hesitated a beat before replying. “OK, well then I’ll leave her at Dad’s for a little while longer.”
“If you wouldn’t mind.”
“Fine.” Now it was obvious that he knew something wasn’t right. “See you later then.”
“Bye,” Abby replaced the receiver and slumped heavily to the floor.
Chapter 38
Finn arrived at her flat that afternoon, and one look at him told Abby that this was going to be even harder than she’d thought. There was a dark covering of stubble on his jaw, which made him look even more attractive than usual, and those probing liquid brown eyes she was so worried about now bored heavily into hers.
“Hey,” he said, coming inside, and as he didn’t make any attempt to hug or kiss her, Abby knew that their conversation must have successfully laid some groundwork. She was grateful for the fact that he hadn’t made contact–if he had, she could very well falter.
“Hi,” she said levelly. “How was the trip?”
“It was fine. Look Abby what’s going on?” Finn asked, leaning on the back of the armchair. “You sounded really strange on the phone yesterday. What’s happened? And why didn’t you want me to bring Lucy?”
She looked away unable to meet his gaze.
“Something’s happened,” she told him in a broken voice.
“Well, I kind of guessed that much.” Finn gave a short, humourless, laugh. “So what’s up?”
“Maybe we should sit down …”
“OK.”
With that, he came round and sat down on the armchair, but instead of relaxing into it like he normally would, he perched on the edge, his pose tense and rigid.
Again, Abby was struck by how much she really loved this man, how she adored every inch of him. But strangely enough, rather than make things even harder, it actually reiterated how necessary this was, and in a way, gave her the strength to see it through. This was no longer about her feelings; it was entirely about his.
Summoning every ounce of courage she had, Abby swallowed hard.
“Finn, I bumped into Kieran yesterday.”
“I know–you said.”
“And … well, it was a bit surreal.”
He said nothing, waiting for her to elaborate.
Oh God, I can’t do this, Abby thought, a momentous battle raging inside her. “Finn, I don’t know how to say this but …”
Now he frowned, and his expression became guarded. “Say what?”
“We’ve had a wonderful time together, and you’ve helped through so much, but …”
“But what?” he asked, his eyes widening.
“I’m really sorry,” Abby fought back tears, “but straight away I realised I’m still in love with him.” The lie came out a lot easier than she’d anticipated.
“With Kieran?” Finn was staring at her with a mixture of horror and confusion. “What? But he’s married.”
Abby shook her head. “Not for much longer, the marriage failed, he doesn’t love her, they’re getting divorced, he made a big mistake.” Somehow lie after lie gushed out of her mouth, but she couldn’t help it. She had no other choice.
“He made a big mistake.” Finn repeated sarcastically. “And when did he discover this? Was it before or after he’d dumped you for someone else after five years of a relationship just because you weren’t classy enough?” She knew he was trying to hit her where it hurt, and she tried not to let it get to her. “Or was it when he realised his new wife wasn’t as easy to control, or didn’t bow to his every need like you did?” His words were cruel but Abby knew she deserved them. Anyway, they also proved that Finn didn’t suspect anything untoward, and believed every word of what she was saying.
“It wasn’t like that,” she protested. “We had a very long chat and I understand exactly where he was coming from. Apparently, the marriage was over before it had even begun. Anyway, that part of it doesn’t really matter. What matters is that I found out that the feelings Kieran and I had– have–for one another are still very strong. And I can’t just ignore that.”
“Oh, I see. But you seem fully prepared to ignore my feelings, and what we have, not to mention
everything we’ve been through over the last few months!” he said, and she knew that this wounded him more than anything. “But then again that’s nothing new with you, is it? Most of the time I’m lucky if you remember from one day to the next who I actually am!” Each word felt like a dagger through her heart but again it merely brought it home to Abby how difficult their situation already was, let alone what it would be like if they carried on–given what she’d learned. No, this might be agony now, but at the end of the day, it was the best possible thing, for both of them.
“I’m sorry,” she said mutely.
“You’re sorry? Is that all you can say? You’re telling me you’re dumping me for some guy, who as far as I’m concerned sounded like an controlling, penny-pinching arsehole who couldn’t be more wrong for you, and certainly doesn’t deserve you! Does he know about you? About your head injury?” he asked. “What does he make of that then?”
“He knows what to expect.”
“So you’re actually–seriously–considering going back with him?” Finn gasped, shaking his head in amazement. “You’re seriously prepared to throw away everything we have for some guy who treated you like dirt?”
“It wasn’t like that, we were both at fault and– ”
“Oh, don’t give me that crap, Abby. If you honestly believe that then you have even bigger problems with your memory that you thought! Kieran was totally wrong for you; you admitted that to me yourself! What’s changed?”
“I don’t know, it’s difficult to explain. Please don’t make this any harder than it is Finn,” she cried and now the tears were genuine. She couldn’t keep this up much longer; it was bad enough that she had to lie to him at all, let alone having to hear home truths about her relationship with Kieran too. “I can’t help how I feel.”
“So you’re breaking up with me, is that it? Now that the wonderful Kieran is back you’ve decided to just cast me aside like some old plaything?”
Falling in Love in New York Page 33