“It’s not like that. I care a lot about you, but when I met Kieran I– ”
“I don’t fucking believe this!” Finn ran a hand through his hair. “You’re actually considering going back to him?”
“I’m not considering it,” she said, landing what she hoped would be the final blow. “I’ve already decided. I love Kieran, have always loved him and I just can’t help how I feel. Look, we have a fantastic time together and I’ll always care for you–”
“Is this some kind of a joke Abby? We’re engaged for God’s sake!” He looked at her finger and seemed to realise only then that she was no longer wearing her ring.
“I’m sorry Finn, but you have to understand that I can’t marry you now, not knowing what I know. It wouldn’t be fair.” It was the only piece of truth she’d uttered since he arrived and despite the fact that it was killing her, Abby knew it was for the best.
“Abby, come on, you can’t be serious.” Those intense brown eyes seemed to penetrate her very soul and again she had to look away. “After all we’ve been through?”
She nodded, her face impassive. “I’m sorry. Please don’t try and change my mind,” she added, trying to make her tone hard and devoid of emotion, “it’s no use.”
At this, Finn’s bewilderment finally turned to anger. “So now that lover-boy’s back, you want me to just turn tail so you can get on with your life as if I never even existed?” he bellowed. “Well, I suppose that much will be easy for you all the same– God knows you wouldn’t have a clue who I was if it weren’t for those bloody records!” Abby had never seen him so hurt and upset and was forced to remind herself yet again that she was doing this–had to do it–for his own benefit.
“OK then if that’s what you want fine–let’s do that.” Finn fumed. “Let’s end it all here and now. And while we’re at it, why don’t I do the job for you?” Following that, he got up and stormed into her bedroom.
“What … what are you doing?” she asked, shocked and more than a little scared by the ferocity of his anger. She went after him into the bedroom to find him standing in front of her computer, furiously tapping on the keyboard. “Finn, what are you doing?” she asked again.
“What am I doing?” He turned to look at her, and Abby didn’t think she’d never forget the look of pain and betrayal in his eyes right then. “Can’t you figure it out?”
She looked at the screen and realised that he was opening up all the files; all the diaries, pictures and video clips–all the memories–she’d kept of him and their relationship over the last few months. Wonderful, happy memories, like pictures of the two of them on their own and with Lucy, with her family and his dad just after their engagement, the video clip of his amazing proposal…
“I’m taking myself out of the picture, out of your life, just like you want,” Finn went on. “Hey, you tried to do all this yourself before, remember?”
Abby could do nothing but stand and watch as his fingers moved over the keys with alarming speed, as he deleted each and every item–every memory. And unlike that last time, when she’d tried to do it, this time Finn didn’t forget to move them out of recycle bin.
Delete selected items permanently? the computer prompted when he’d deleted them all individually.
“Hell yeah!” Finn grunted, stabbing the ‘Yes’ button with added determination.
Finally he stood back and turned to meet her gaze for what Abby now knew for sure would be the very last time. As he did, she saw that his eyes were red-rimmed.
“There you go,” he said resignedly. “The slate’s wiped clean–have a nice life.”
Then, without another word, Finn marched out of the room and out of Abby’s life.
Chapter 39
One month later
“My God, it’s been so long since I was here, I’d almost forgotten how huge this place is!” Claire gasped, marvelling at her sister’s luxurious home.
It was late November and she, Zach and baby Caitlyn were home for a visit. That particular afternoon Tom and Zach had gone out for a game of golf, and as Teresa insisted on spending some quality time with her only grandchild, the three sisters decided to get together for a catch-up at Caroline’s Dalkey home.
Abby’s sister had the kitchen redesigned for what must have been the third or fourth time in as many years, and now she marvelled at Caroline’s bravery in going for bright red kitchen units along with a stark white tiled floor. It wasn’t something she would have chosen for herself, if she ever had a house of her own that was, but in this huge open plan room it really worked.
And it was great to have Claire home; notwithstanding the fact that she hadn’t seen her since last Christmas, having her here also helped take her mind off her own situation–at least temporarily.
For some reason Abby felt a dull ache in the pit of her stomach at the thought of Christmas. She wasn’t sure why–after all, she’d had a lovely time at Claire’s the year before. But maybe that was it, she decided, an ordinary Christmas at home this time wouldn’t hold a candle to the novelty of last year.
Now, as the three of them shared a bottle of wine beneath the patio heater on Caroline’s decking, she listened distractedly to her sisters discussing the merits of red kitchen units over wooden shaker ones, and wished she could summon up the enthusiasm to do the same.
She didn’t know what was going on with her, but lately she was carrying around this numb feeling that she just couldn’t rid herself of. She supposed it was inevitable; given what she’d discovered recently that she wouldn’t exactly be full of the joys, but at the same time, she knew she had to at least try and come to terms with the truth about her condition.
“You haven’t had a seizure in ages, so there’s no reason to believe they’ll continue,” Hannah had tried to tell her the last time she saw her, but at this stage Abby could no longer bring herself to care.
Having found out the horrifying truth about her memory, she’d decided that it was best to end her sessions with Hannah completely. The psychologist had tried her utmost to convince her not to, but at the end of the day there seemed little point in carrying on.
She knew the truth and now she had to move on and try and learn to cope with this on her own. While she believed Hannah that it was she herself who’d insisted upon the idea of the deception in the first place (and the psychologist had shown her a signed release testifying same) Abby no longer felt able to trust her.
In truth, it was hard to trust anyone now, and in the meantime, she’d pleaded with Erin and her family to stop hiding things from her.
“No more secrets, please,” she’d told them and it was only then that she’d discovered that maintaining such an elaborate deception had had a considerable effect on them too.
“Well, trying to break the news of Claire’s pregnancy was very tricky,” her mum confessed, “particularly as she was so far gone when you had the last blackout. So we had to pretend that she wanted to keep it under wraps as long as possible, whereas the truth was that all of us–including you–had known for months.”
“And we couldn’t celebrate Tom’s fortieth either,” Caroline chipped in. “As you know he was thirty-eight at the time of your accident, and when you woke up that last time, we couldn’t run the risk of you noticing how much time had passed.”
But the hardest thing of all (and the one Abby felt most guilty about) was the fact that Erin had indeed started seeing someone.
Dermot.
“We couldn’t admit that we’d got together while you were ill,” her best friend informed her sheepishly, and Abby immediately thought back to how Dermot had almost let it slip that day in the service station, and how strangely reluctant Erin had been to confide in her.
“I don’t know, I’d never really taken much notice of him before,” her friend confessed pink-cheeked.. “But we got chatting at the hospital one of the times and I suppose things just went from there.”
Abby was thrilled for them, but felt awful that they’d had to keep th
eir relationship under wraps like that.
And of course, there were some other things Erin had had to keep hidden too.
“I nearly had a heart attack when we met up that time after you got out of the hospital, and you commented that I didn’t have much of a tan,” she said. “I’d completely forgotten that you’d naturally assume I was just back from Dubai …
So many secrets, so many lies … Although the truth had been devastating, Abby was in a way glad that they’d all stopped hiding things from her and treating her like a special case. Much better to have things back to normal–although she didn’t think that the word ‘normal’ could ever be applied to her situation, but still …
Just then there was a loud rustling from the bottom of the garden, and the girls looked up in the direction of the noise. Then all three sisters jumped backwards in fright when, from behind thick bamboo, a small Jack Russell terrier emerged. The little dog sniffed around the area for a while, and evidently oblivious to his surprised audience, he eventually sat back on his haunches and pooped all over Caroline’s perfectly manicured lawn.
“Bloody neighbour’s dog again…why don’t you poop in your own garden, you little bugger …” Caroline jumped up and went to shoo him away and as she did, Abby was struck by how mild her own reaction to the animal was. Normally she’d run for cover at the mere sight of dog, but for some reason this time it didn’t bother her in the slightest.
Claire seemed to notice too. “Well, I never thought I’d see the day,” she said surprised. “After that St Bernard, I was sure you were ruined for life!”
Abby looked at her. “St Bernard?”
“The one that knocked you over when we lived in Woodbrook?” she said, referring to a housing estate the family lived in when they were kids. “I always thought he was the reason you were terrified of dogs. And to be honest, I wouldn’t blame you; you went down like a tonne of bricks that day. Hit yourself a hell of a whack on the kerb too.”
Having heard the tail end of the conversation, Caroline sat back down. “Got a hell of whack where?” she said, and as her sister met her eye, Abby finally realised what she was getting at.
“On this side of the head,” Claire said, pointing to the left hand side of own head. “It was so bad I’m surprised it didn’t knock you out altogether, although maybe it did, I can’t really remember. Either way, I wasn’t going to say anything to Mum about it; you were only six and I was the one supposed to be looking after you and … what?” she asked frowning, as Abby and Caroline looked open-mouthed at one another.
But Abby knew exactly what Caroline was thinking.
In one fell swoop, Claire had not only given Abby the reason behind her long-held doggy phobia, but had also solved the mystery of her second, so-far unidentified brain injury.
Later that evening, when Claire and Zach had returned to her mother’s house, Abby and Caroline chatted some more.
“I still think you should tell Hannah,” her sister said, referring to the cause of the other injury.
“What’s the point? It doesn’t matter now, does it?”
“Well, for what it’s worth, I think you made a mistake giving up seeing her.”
Abby tensed. “Well, I don’t,” she replied. “I don’t need her anymore now, do I?”
“Look, she was only doing what she thought was right–we all were. And you have to admit that keeping you in the dark did you nothing but good in the end.”
“But, if it did me nothing but good then why I am so down all the time?” Abby sighed. “Why do I feel so … I don’t know, so … miserable?”
Caroline seemed to want to say something, but then decided against it.
“I don’t know, lately I just feel sort of …numb or something.” Once again, Abby struggled to accurately describe this particular feeling.
“Well, you’ve been through a lot emotionally,” Caroline soothed. “And it must be difficult for you to get your head around it. But Abs, try and not let it get to you too much, OK? It was stress that triggered off those seizures in the first place, remember?”
“I know, I know,” Abby was worn-out from hearing this now. “Maybe I’m just feeling down because I no longer have that list of things to work through. Maybe I should make another?”
“Abby, while the list was a wonderful idea at the time, I think it’s probably served its purpose at this stage,” her sister said gently. “It was great that you managed to do all those things and you know we enjoyed doing them with you, but now the truth is out it’s probably best for you to try and get back to some form of reality.” She looked sideways at her. “So, how is your memory these days? You’re still keeping your diaries I presume?”
Abby was, but not with the same level of detail. It was hard to see the point–not when she could very well end up blacking out and going right back to square one. Anyway, the significance of her discovery had sent her into such a tailspin that she didn’t particularly want to remember what she was feeling these days. While she’d written in great detail about bumping into Kieran, and having it all out with Hannah and her mother, after that she’d been so upset and confused that she hadn’t diarised much of her feelings at all. It just seemed easier not to.
Yet deep down, Abby suspected that in the meantime something else of great significance had happened; something she didn’t particularly want to remember, and so hadn’t made a record of it on purpose. And she wondered if this might be the cause of the heavy gloom that surrounded her at the moment. If it was, then there must have been a very good reason not to hold onto this memory and instead let it fade away, so she might as well put the notion to the back of her mind.
“I’m doing my best, but I find it all a bit pointless to be honest,” she said, answering her sister’s question.
“Well, I don’t. If you do happen to black out again, all those records you’ve kept will help keep you up to speed and get you back to where you are now, won’t they?”
“I suppose so.” But the truth was, Abby wasn’t sure what to think. Everything seemed pointless and hopeless at the moment.
And she just couldn’t figure out why.
A week later, Caroline was in Dundrum Shopping Centre immersed in her favourite pastime.
She’d just dropped a fortune in Mamas and Papas on baby gear for a good friend who’d recently given birth, and she decided to stop off for a quick bite to eat before heading into Harvey Nicks to do even more damage to her credit card.
All the Christmas party stuff was in the shops now, and as well as updating her own wardrobe, she was planning on buying Abby a brand new handbag or perhaps a killer pair of heels; something that might help cheer up her little sister somehow.
She really felt for Abby, perhaps now more than ever. While the situation with her injury had always been horrible, and the family hated having to keep the true extent of it a secret, she had to admit that it had been all for the best, given that this time round Abby had improved in leaps and bounds.
She remembered how over a year ago, Abby had come to them and practically begged that if she relapsed again to pretend that they had no idea of the true nature of her injury and were as much in the dark as she was.
While Teresa had been horrified and had at first been completely against the deception, Caroline had to admit that the idea had some merit, and couldn’t be completely sure she wouldn’t do the same thing herself. After all, what was the point in explaining the reality to Abby and destroying any optimism she might have had about getting through it?
And unlike Teresa, Caroline didn’t need the psychologist to explain it and put her mind at ease, as far as she was concerned if it helped Abby, that was all that mattered. Still, she knew her mother had found keeping so many things a secret tough, particularly in the early days. But then, over time, when Abby began to not only improve, but actually come out of herself in the process, Teresa was reassured they’d done the right thing.
But despite this, Caroline was now in a way relieved all this decepti
on was finally over. Her sister had to know the truth at some stage, and oddly the longer things went on and the better Abby managed, the easier it became to keep the true nature of her problem a secret.
In fact, Abby had managed so well this time round that Caroline had almost forgotten that there was a problem. Of course, falling in love with Finn had a lot to do with it too, she pondered sadly.
While she could appreciate why Abby had felt she needed to let him go, at the same time, she believed very strongly that her sister should have at least given Finn a say in the matter, rather than let him believe something completely different.
And it was now very difficult to watch Abby struggle with this unexplained (at least as far as she was concerned) misery following the break-up, she thought, recalling their conversation at her house a week before. To think that after all the couple had been through and how much they’d shared, that without the necessary continuity, it was so easy for Abby to simply forget all about him. That by not seeing or speaking to him for a while he could be so easily lost from her memory.
It merely highlighted to everyone yet again the fragility of her situation, and of course exactly the reason Abby had to let him go in the first place, Caroline mused, as she waited patiently in line at the Food Court. There was no denying that it was all very sad, but having promised Abby that she wouldn’t try and refresh her memory if she succeeded in forgetting about Finn, she couldn’t do a thing about it.
“I don’t bloody believe this!”
Caroline turned around sharply at the sound of commotion coming from the hot food queue, a little way across. Two men were squaring up to one another over what seemed to be a spilled bottle of Coke, and speak of the devil ….one of them was Finn!
Although he had his back to her, Caroline would recognise the voice anywhere, not to mention that the worried-looking Lab by his side was very definitely Lucy!
“Aren’t you even going to apologise?” Finn snarled at the customer who’d evidently been trying (and had failed) to balance two bottles of coke on a tray with one hand. Both bottles had fallen to the floor and exploded all over Finn, who happened to be ahead of him in the queue.
Falling in Love in New York Page 34