Short Stories

by James Britvich

street shouted: "Okay boys. Time for dinner."

  The Last Voyage

  "Mission Control, we have some problems up here. Commander Granger has now died. That leaves only me alive. To make matters worse, the correctional stabilizer is erratic in its workings. I have little control over direction of travel."

  "Houston here. How much control do you have of the ship, Aaron?"

  "Very little. I couldn't even make a wide bend to have a high orbit around Earth."

  "We'll try to figure out a solution down here. How are you feeling?"

  "Not very well. Whatever virus, or other critter, that we picked up has gotten me too. It seems to be moving at a much slower pace though. Can't even guess how much time I have left."

  "Not sure what we can do for you Aaron, but we'll try."

  "I'll put Roy in the cooler for now. I need a few hours shuteye. I'll do some testing later today, maybe."

  (Three hours, twenty two minutes later)

  "Houston, I'm back. The rest did me no good. I'm at the stage of illness the others were less than an hour or so before they died. You can't do anything for me now. Just sit back and listen to my farewell monologue. I am recording this. Some day, this ship may come back home to you."

  "I'm sitting in the in the Commander's chair. What a beautiful sight. Almost pitch-black, except for some far away stars. I'm getting light-headed and delusional. I guess I can't be delusional. There's no one out in this part of space, but me, to delude about."

  "Wait.... there's a flying saucer approaching on my port side. It's kind of cigar-shaped. I can't make out the brand, though. It just passed over me with a sign on its underbelly. 'Eat at Mel's Diner'. You're saying to yourselves, 'he's got to be kidding', right? Of course I am. I don't think Mel has any franchises this far out; besides, who's Mel?"

  "I see a light in the distant. Even with my hands on the controls to straighten out my course, the ship is veering towards the light. It's getting larger and softer in tone. The closer I get, the slower the ship is traveling. This thing is taking shape to gigantic proportions. It's still fuzzy looking, but it's looking like a carnival setting. What the hell is going on here???"

  "We're heading for the front entrance. The ship is barely moving now. I'd swear that we're at Heaven's Gate. There's an old man with a long flowing beard, dressed in white robes. He waves to me. My first guess is it's Father Time; but he's not wearing an hourglass around his waist. Maybe it's Mel. No, and I'm really, really serious about this. I think it is Saint Peter. We have all wondered where Heaven is. That it's somewhere in the ether. By providence, I may have just found it. All my instruments are at zero. I can't tell you where I am. I don't think I would, even if I could. World corporations would turn Heaven into a theme park."

  "'Meet Mickey God', and other such silly greetings. It's best no one know where this place is. Until you die. There's an old saying, 'die and go to Heaven'".

  "I think I just have."

  Short Short Movie

  Frank Symore calls together his closest friends to his home. He's really excited. In secret, he has been working on a time machine. Others have done the same. The big difference with his setup, is that Frank has incorporated a movie system to see things of his travels, as he does, in real time.

  Ever since he was a boy, his most involved interest has been with dinosaurs. He already has his machine set for the Mesozoic Period. He tells the three of them of his plan to record actual live dinosaurs. With the receiving camera here in the living room, you'll see things as I do.

  Andy, the most skeptical of the three, scoffs at the prospect. "I doubt that you'll get this contraption off the ground." Leo and Norman may have the same thoughts, but are more polite about it. "We look forward to seeing real live dinosaurs roaming the earth 200 million years ago"; probably saying that with tongue in cheek, though.

  Frank climbs into the cockpit. He gives his farewells to the three of them. "It'll take about ten minutes to get to my destination. You'll see the passage of history as I will see it." With that, he closes the cockpit and takes off into history.

  As he's speeding through time, camera shots of events and people quickly flash on the screen. About ten minutes later he lands in an open plain of huge dinosaurs. He turns off the engine to marvel at the spectacle. The camera is panning the herd. He is so excited, he doesn't at first notice how close some of them are to him.

  Then Frank sees an ominous dark gray cloud closing in on him. It's the leg and foot of a diplodocus plant eater. Before he can crank up the engine to get out of there....

  SPLAT!

  The End.

  The Hammer

  NEWS ITEM: According to police reports, the complete demolition of the nearly finished Good Luck Hotel, was started by a faulty hammer. John "Carpy" Jones, a new carpenter was just hired this morning. He had been unemployed for the past six months, and was hammering away on the roof with real gusto. On a back swing, the hammer head flew off, striking a workman in the head. It cold-cocked him, and he fell on his electric saw's kill-switch. The saw kept cutting off an end section of the roof.

  The end piece fell three stories. It hit the empty side of a plank placed on a fulcrum . On the other end of the plank was a cinder block placed there for balance of something, not yet determined. The block traveled several floors before hitting another plank with a big heavy screwdriver on it The force of the bounce catapulted the screwdriver across the yard striking a metal beam. The spark that was generated ignited a stick of dynamite that must have fallen out of someone's pant's pocket. The stick's wick, now well alight, rolled off the beam, exploding just before hitting the ground. This set off an open, full box of dynamite.

  Several large pieces of shrapnel entered parts of the ground floor. One set off a 5 gallon can of cleaning fluid. The ensuing fire engulfed the ground floor and quickly shot up to the other floors, caused by the good draft created through an open elevator shaft. The hotel was fully ablaze before the firemen got there. Miraculously, no one was seriously injured nor killed.

  John "Carpy" Jones is again unemployed.

  Tibetan Monk

  A Tibetan monk douses himself with gasoline. I said to him, "Lighten up!"

  He looks at me, and lights a match. Poof, he goes up in flames. He must

  have thought I said, "Light it up!" I'm going to have to work on my diction.

  "HOW NOW, BROWN COW."

  Fruity-Veggie Story

  Al Falfa and Arti Choke were on the Okra Winfrey Show. She says, "I heard a leek that you two maniocs are way over-paid. Is that true?"

  Arti says, "Oh shoot, lettuce squash any rumors about our celery being too high. Man, go check out what others make."

  Al chimes in, "Chicory, chicory tock, the mouse ran..."

  "Knock it off, Al. This is serious. It's a-maize-ing how green with envy some people can get."

  Al says, "Bean there, done that. I broke my pump — kin I use yours?"

  My girlfriend is so old, I call her Granny Smith. She was ugli and very plump when we went on our first date. I bought her a 3-carrot diamond ring, and sang her a variation of our favorite song, too. "Shallot be, shallot be." She wishes her other boyfriend could do this. I said, "If I can do it, zu-ccin-'i."

  He doesn't like me. I turnip my nose at him. He started raisin' cane and said he would berry me. We got into a rhubarb and I beet him badly.

  Blimey, "Red" Peppers was awarded the Nopal Prize for finding a new way to sprout eggplants. This may sound corny, but I asked him why he was so modest about it. He gave me his Popeye imitation and said, "I yam what I yam".

  To this day, I don't understand what sweet potatoes had to do with it.

  The Train Wreck

  Three woman are having lunch at Rozay's restaurant.

  "Veronica, you don't look well, are you all right?", Caroline asked.

  "I have these dull, throbbing pains in both my legs.
I started getting them around 8:00 yesterday morning. Nothing's wrong with them. I just feel slightly numb in both legs, like I shouldn't even be able to walk. Strange."

  The third woman, Gina, is reading the front page of the morning paper. "That saying, 'about something being a train wreck', really happened near Carterville yesterday, about eight in the morning." Showing the front page to the other two, she remarks, "I'm glad I wasn't on that train."

  Caroline, with a puzzling look, asks Veronica, "Weren't you suppose to be on that train for your monthly visit to your folks in Carterville?"

  "Yes, but a strange series of small events happened, and I missed the train. I always set out my clothes for the trip, the night before. For some inexplicable reason, I forgot to do it Tuesday night. You two know how flustered I get when my schedule is screwed up. Next, I burnt my bacon and had to make another batch. Then a button broke on the blouse I planned on wearing. By now, it's 6:20. I decided I won't make the 6:35 train in time. I called my folks and told them what happened, and I'd see them next week."

  Caroline and Gina get up to leave. "We have to go", Gina says, "Say 'Hi' to Sally for us."

  After they leave the restaurant, a man from the next table gets up and seats himself at Veronica's table. "I heard your conversation, and I'm embarrassed to say, it's my fault that you're so distressed", he said.

  Veronica thinks, 'That's a pick-up line I've never heard before'.

  "You humans have sayings like 'He dodged a bullet', or 'It wasn't his time to go'. Those