by Lily Zante
This evening had seemed more serious. There was an intensity about it that hadn’t been there before. Gone was the fluffiness, the lightness and playfulness of their previous rendezvous. Their conversations, while still on safe ground, seemed deeper. He would hold her gaze for a little too long, or she would say something and watch his face for a reaction. It was like falling in love again, but in slow motion: unsure, unsteady and unable to resist the pull.
It felt as though she was taking the first slow, scary and tentative steps into the unknown.
She wasn’t sure she liked it.
Chapter 19
They walked back along the small little alleyway and sometimes his fingers brushed against hers for a heartbeat. He would move them away then, and she would pretend not to notice.
She hadn’t felt a thrill so sweet, so painful, since the first time she had kissed a boy.
They turned the corner to the street where his car was parked under the light of a lamp and she breathed an easy sigh. They walked towards the car, neither of them saying a word. But instead of walking over to his side of the car, he stopped and stood still and, caught off-guard, she did too. It was only when he looked at her that she became aware of the crazy, chaotic feelings that seared her insides.
This wasn’t like being in the bar back in Denver where easy put downs were part of her DNA. She was used to being the sassy one who always had the answers, the one with the acerbic remarks and the put downs. When it came to the all too eager eyes of strangers, she knew how to handle herself but here, tonight, under the stars and the sky, in the warm, heady night filled with wine and longing, Rona felt powerless. It was an emotion she wasn’t used to.
They’d shared so much of themselves that for the first time ever she felt vulnerable. Her pulse sprinted and desire flickered in his eyes. Her blood raced around her body, intoxicating her with the idea of lust and attraction that were so wrong and the lines blurred between what was allowed and what could only be imagined.
He stroked her arm, his thumb pressing gently around her wrists while his fingers encircled them slowly, gently, pulling her towards him until nothing but an inch of air separated them. Under the light of the lamppost, his eyes were dewy, his skin shiny. She felt her heart trying to leapfrog its way out of her throat.
“I’m glad you liked the new place,” he murmured while still stroking her wrists. She didn’t recall ever knowing that her wrists were an erogenous zone. The way Ruben looked at her made her skin tingle all over as if all of her was now an erogenous zone.
He left her speechless and all she could do was nod. She wanted to tell him that she had a great time tonight, but some part deep down inside her told her that he already knew. The subtlest hint of his cologne seeped into her senses. It was a scent she had become used to and her body warmed and longed for his closeness. Prickly heat kissed her arms, neck, and chest.
Long before his lips touched hers.
His smile turned serious and in the next moment—the moment where each of them should have walked to their respective car doors, climbed in and driven away—he moved in slowly and pressed his lips on hers. She remembered that sensation, of new lips, a different feel and texture to the ones imprinted on her soul for so many years. It was sweet, and new, his kiss, mixed up with red wine and lust. Gentle, probing, controlled lust and desire mixed in with raw wanting. He didn’t move any closer, their bodies didn’t touch, just his fingers around her wrists and his lips on hers—for the gentlest and sweetest of kisses.
Lips pressed for the longest, most bittersweet moment.
Her heartbeat clattered like the lid of a trashcan rolling around the ground. He moved away and examined her face, checking for her mood, her reaction.
In one moment what had been imagined had become real. He left her breathless, speechless, and less. Less of her, and less sure of what it was she really wanted.
She tried to smile, but she was a myriad of conflicted emotions—confused and unsure.
Who had she been kidding? It had been destined to happen from the start. The attraction had always been there, no matter how much she had convinced herself otherwise, and her heart had known, long before her mind had caught up, that this was where it had all been heading.
This wasn’t Carlos. Guilt pricked at her and she pulled away and walked over to the passenger door. He moved too and the only sound in the silky silence was the beep and thud of car locks opening.
No words were spoken during the journey home. She was unsure of everything, and in the darkness, felt the relief that her nakedness would not be exposed.
When he finally reached her pensione he parked outside and kept the engine running. The outside light had come on and she was able to see his face in the dim light.
“Thank you,” she said and grabbed her purse.
“I’m sorry if I—”
“Don’t be,” she said quickly. She didn’t want him to be sorry about anything. Her emotions were a whirlpool of confusion, and she needed time to sift through the debris and see what was left behind. But she would not have him apologize for the evening, which had been lovely. For the most part. Up until the end. It was everything she’d imagined, for she had thought of it, yet it was also not what she’d imagined.
She needed to sleep on it. “I have to go, Ruben.”
“I know,” he said. “I understand. I also understand if you don’t ever want to see me—”
“Shhhhh,” she said and almost put a finger to his lips but moved it away quickly as though the idea had singed her skin.
“I should go.”
“Goodnight, Rona,” he said, and when she opened the door and the car light came on, they glanced at one another like strangers who had suddenly become something more.
As he drove off she walked up the driveway fumbling for her keys and her heart nearly dropped when she heard the ringtone of her cell blasting out in the dead quiet of the night. Immediately thinking the worst—that something had happened to Tori—she grabbed the phone without looking as she continued to search for the keys.
“Where the hell are you?” Anger exploded from his words.
Carlos?
She dropped her keys from shock.
Where was he?
She bent over in the dim light to find the keys while her heart throttled from zero to sixty in a heartbeat.
It was at that very moment that the door opened wide. Carlos stepped out and gave her a look that would have skewered a pig.
Chapter 20
She might as well have had ‘whore’ written all over her face, the way his eyes bulged.
Rona got up slowly as the keys jangled from her fingers while questions exploded in her mind like unwelcome fireworks in a graveyard. She was hesitant, half frozen by his expression, and not wanting to walk up to him. She could feel a scene brewing.
Or perhaps she imagined it? After all, what could he know? Her guilt clouded her judgement.
“Carlos,” she braved a smile as she walked up to him but his face remained hard and he moved away from the kiss she was about to plant on his lips; the guilt still raw and red in her mind.
Tori’s cry from inside willed her into action and she walked past him, attempting a “Well this is a surprise. When did you get here?” It didn’t match the maelstrom of feelings that choked her lungs. Strange how normal her voice sounded when her insides churned like molten lava.
“Where have you been?” he asked, in a voice spiked with accusation. “Who dropped you off?” Another sentence followed hot on the heels of the first one.
She ventured a glance at him and wanted to shrink back from the ugly, angry stare he gave her. Luckily she hadn’t dressed up too much tonight—she’d only worn jeans and not a dress. Nothing that would give him cause for suspicion. She hoped. Yet despite her pep talk to herself, he still looked at her as if she’d slipped out in a negligee.
“I was out with friends,” she said and forced a smile as she tried to breeze past him quickly. She felt as though she
had Ruben’s tell-tale face tattooed all over her body. Carlos gripped her wrist.
“I was worried about you, Rona. It’s past ten o’clock. My daughter is here in a foreign country with a stranger. I can’t believe you left her alone knowing that Ava and Nico aren’t around.” He seemed calm, though a little annoyed. Dare she wonder if this was just his concern showing through?
“She’s in good hands, Carlos.” She prayed her voice would sound smooth and honeyed as she walked into the living room. Lizzi rocked Tori on her shoulder. The baby sitter gave her an apologetic smile.
“Oh, my poor baby,” she said and rushed to take Tori. “Oh, my darling, darling baby. You’ve been crying.” Tori’s eyes were all red and her face blotchy. Likely she’d been disturbed while in deep slumber.
“What happened?” Rona asked Lizzi, ignoring Carlos completely.
“She was asleep, but your husband knocked on the door and he …” Lizzi looked at the floor.
“He what?” Rona asked, her earlier trepidation giving rise to anger.
“He didn’t know who I was and he got a little angry when I said you were out…” She seemed a little nervous.
Her mother’s instinct made her see red. She confronted Carlos. “What did you do?”
“I didn’t do anything,” he growled.
Lizzi had picked up her handbag and looked ready to leave. .
“I wanted to surprise you,” he told Rona. “And I didn’t know who you were.” He said to Lizzi. “I’m sorry if I upset you. I didn’t mean to.”
Lizzi gave him a wary smile.
“I’m sorry,” Rona told her, and took out some bills from her bag. “This is for tonight. And thank you.”
The sound of a horn beeping outside almost made Rona’s insides slip to the ground.
Ruben? Please no.
She held her breath as time suddenly stopped. “My grandfather has come to pick me up,” said Lizzie, kissing Tori on the cheek. “Bye, bye little one.”
“I would have called a taxi for you.” Rona felt guilty that the girl’s poor grandfather had to come at this time to pick her up.
“It’s not a problem,” Lizzi assured her before heading towards the door. She looked as though she couldn’t fly out fast enough.
Rona handed Tori to Carlos and rushed out after her, feeling guilty and responsible for the girl. The dim light from the car headlights was reflected back so that she was able to see the outline of a man in the driver’s seat. As Lizzi got into the car, Rona held up her hand to acknowledge the man she presumed was her grandfather. He waved back and then backed the car out.
Going out tonight had been a big mistake. Huge. She should never have done it.
Not with Ruben.
Not with anyone.
It had been bold and stupid, this step away from friends into newer, shakier, unfamiliar territory. Had she always known it would end up like this? Her heart sunk as she turned around and headed back inside to face Carlos.
She didn’t want to deal with anything right at this moment, and the last thing she needed was more questions.
She walked towards him to take Tori, but he refused to give her up. “I’ve got her, can’t you see?” His voice was still angry. “Have you been drinking?”
“I had a few glasses of wine,” she murmured. “With dinner.”
Change the subject, she told herself. “You woke the baby and you scared the babysitter,” she said, accusingly. Yet she stepped away from him because she felt guilty.
“I’m surprised you went out, all things being equal.”
“What of it? I’ve been working hard,” she replied. Tori looked up at her, her eyes wide and shiny, and her lower lip trembling.
“You’re upsetting her,” said Rona in a tight voice.
“I’m upsetting her?” Carlos asked. He walked into the bedroom and she followed him in, checking on her cell phone to see how many times he’d called her tonight; trying to anticipate his questions. Her brow released in relief. He’d only called her once.
“When did you get here?” she asked, curious at his sudden appearance weeks ahead of the wedding.
Why hadn’t he told her? Was he checking up on her? Is that what this was?
He ignored her as he walked around the room with Tori in his arms, trying to rock her to sleep.
“A short while before you.”
She relaxed her shoulders. Just as well they hadn’t both driven up at the same time.
He’d be here the entire month. She coughed, her mouth was parched and she couldn’t swallow. It wasn’t that she was worried about ruining anything with Ruben.
That chapter was over.
But being around Carlos at a time when she needed to think things through was going to be difficult especially with him thinking the worst. And rightly so.
She suddenly felt claustrophobic and left the room, leaving him to put Tori to sleep. She needed space to think, to ponder why he was so angry.
She sniffed her clothes.
Could he smell aftershave?
Ruben?
She couldn’t think properly, not now knowing that Carlos raged in the next room. He wasn’t a suspicious man and he usually never asked many questions. She could only hope that this episode would soon be forgotten.
Carlos hugged his daughter tightly and walked around with her, happy to have her in his arms again. Happy to see her, to smell her, to hear her voice.
It was a pity he couldn’t feel the same way about her mother.
He’d known something was off but gut instinct had told him this would be a good chance to take a break with family.
Turning up so late at night he’d meant to surprise both his ladies. But when a stranger had opened the door and told him that Rona was out and that she was babysitting Tori, something had snapped inside him.
He wasn’t sure, even now, whether his anger was more because Rona had left Tori alone for the evening, or whether it was because she’d come back looking completely shocked to see him. Not surprised shock as in she was happy to see him anyway. Shocked in a bad way—as if he’d scared her, as if she had something to hide.
He wasn’t sure but he also thought he’d detected a whiff of cologne on her. Declaring himself too mad to see sense, Carlos tucked the thought out of the way.
His daughter snored quietly in his arms, her lips making the strangest of movements, which told him she was dreaming. He ran gentle fingers through her hair and kissed her on her forehead. His heart warmed to have her in his arms again.
Beep-beep.
Rona’s cell phone sounded on the bed and startled Tori. “Shhhhh,” he soothed and stroked her face gently, comforting her back to sleep.
When the cell phone beeped again, he walked over to the bed, annoyed and grabbed it to switch it off.
But curiosity got the better of him.
She had two messages. Who was texting her this time of night? Friends she’d been out with? He was curious to know who they were, if only to put his mind at rest.
Knowing it was wrong, but justifying it to himself in light of the circumstances, Carlos clicked on the messages. The latest message one said:
Sorry if I assumed too much. We can talk when you’re ready.
His blood, like an angry river, pounded in his ears.
This didn’t sound like a message from a friend. From a girlfriend. This was something more. His stomach hardened, getting ready for the punch. She’d given the impression she’d been out with a group of girls even though she hadn’t said as much.
In blind rage he thumbed back to the first message:
I had a great evening. I hope you did too.
I?
I?
I?
His breaths came faster, louder and he stumbled back a few steps, holding Tori tightly as he did. Needing confirmation he re-read the messages again:
I had a great evening. I hope you did too.
Sorry if I assumed too much. We can talk when you’re ready.
This was
n’t one woman talking to another. This wasn’t a group of girls out for an evening. This was worse, far worse than he could ever have been prepared for.
He suddenly felt as though the earth spun beneath his feet. Shaken, he thumbed back and rechecked the sender’s name.
Ruben. Not Ruby as he’d first thought.
His wife and another man.
What the fuck had she done?
While Tori slumbered in a deep and peaceful sleep against his chest, Carlos felt as though his heart had been hacked to pieces.
Chapter 21
It was as if heavy chains had settled around the base of her stomach and dragged her down a pit of misery.
Rona sat on the sofa with her head in her hands, conflicted with worry, waiting and wondering when Carlos would come out. In the eerie silence of the night, she contemplated the evening.
She waited ten minutes, then fifteen, and hadn’t realized how much time had flown—because her thoughts were a mess of jumbled clutter. It felt as though ants were skating across her brow. She couldn’t sit. She couldn’t rest. She couldn’t keep still. Nor did she want to because she was now fully alert, as though waiting for the storm to hit—because it was coming. It was coming alright; she could feel it in her bones.
He’d just landed, and he wasn’t going to come out and spend time with her? Closing her eyes, she wondered if he’d believed her. She tried to convince herself that it was only the guilt that fed her paranoia and made her think he suspected something. Had he believed her? She’d been convinced at first but as the night wore on, and he hadn’t come out, she wasn’t so sure.
He knew.
Doubts began to plague her. Carlos had arrived unannounced and three weeks before the wedding. He wouldn’t take that much time off work—not for anybody unless he had good reason.
So, why was he here?
To check up on you.
Carlos had always trusted her implicitly and even though she attracted attention when she went out, she had never abused his trust. She had never been in this situation before and she hated that she was in it now.