Much to his dismay, Taryn burst into tears.
“Aww hell, drummer girl. It's okay. I know it was rough today-”
“I can't do this. I don't think I can do any of this.” She choked out between tears. Chris had never seen her this worked up, but no doubt today had been more than a person could handle.
“Taryn...” Chris knelt before her, but she wouldn't let him hold her hands. “Tomorrow's a new day. A better day.”
“I don't know what I was thinking. It's too much. A band on tour, the publicity, dating. It's not me any more.” Hiccups forced her body into trembles.
He shoved away his pride from how much that hurt. “I'm sorry.” What was he apologizing for, though? It seemed like the right thing to say, but maybe it wasn't.
“Don't be sorry. It's not you. It's me.” She wiped her eyes. “Today was the last straw. I don't think I can do this.”
“Breathe, Taryn. Breathe. We'll get through this.” Chris tried to soothe her. Maybe a good cry was what she needed. He could hold her and keep reminding her that she'd blown past the worst of it.
“You don't get it!” she ground out through clenched teeth. “This whole thing … I don't think it's going to work.”
He reeled back. “What exactly don't I get?”
“I lived through something like this already. The drama, the publicity ... It's worse now, because they're all expecting me to fail. I'm not accepted as who I am-”
“Just because that asshole photographer-” Anger surged. Chris wanted to find that guy and knock some sense into him!
“It's not even about him. He's only part of it. I'm not who I used to be-”
“You say that a lot, but guess what? We're all not who we used to be. You've got to stop living in the past. One of the things I admire about you the most is you picked yourself back up and started playing the drums. You went swimming again. You danced. Your life isn't over because you can't walk, Taryn. Your new life has just begun.”
“What are you now, a spokesperson for positive thinking?” she growled.
“Whoa. Hey!” Chris shook his head, completely flabbergasted by her attitude. “Why are you flipping out on me? Are you afraid because of all this with Alice and the photographer? You don't have to be afraid. Sleep today off and start over fresh in the morning.” He tried to reach for her again.
She continued to shake her head, tears rolling down her cheeks. Taryn was completely distraught. Hell. Chris has no idea how to help. Let her cry it out, scream, and try to talk it over with her once this was done? Everyone needed a good cry now and then. She probably had a lot of this building as she worked through her feelings.
“Taryn, I can feel your heart and pulse racing just from touching your hand. Come on, calm down. It's just anxiety,” he instructed softly.
“No. No. I thought I could do this. I thought it would be okay-”
“Shh, it will be. It's just a setback. Too much at once.” Chris stroked her hair. She practically melted against him. Maybe she'd let him carry her to bed, and he could hold her closer. It didn't last long. Taryn shoved at him again. Her face was red, and sweat and tears stained her red, blotchy cheeks.
“I'm sorry. I let everyone down, myself included. This isn't for me anymore. It's better if I don't.” Her voice came out pained and full of defeat. “I should have realized it from the start, but I had to try.”
Now this bothered him. A lot. Angered him, even. Before he could stop himself, Chris let out a string of frustrated words. “Stop playing the pity party, Taryn. I know it's easier said than done, but you can do this if you really want to.”
“Pity party? Are you freaking serious right now?” Wide eyes full of anger tossed invisible daggers at him. Her lips thinned in a straight, narrow line.
He didn't back down. “I'm dead serious. You're letting some bad parts of your past get to you. And after a day like today, I get it.”
“You don't get it! I've been in the spotlight. I've lived through this, and it's not going to be easy a second time. And you know what? Don't give me that lecture! Who hasn't played drums since their mother left? Who are you to tell me to not let my past get to me?” After the words were said, she clapped a hand to her mouth.
Chris reeled back, completely at a loss of what to say. “That's not fair, Taryn.” That hurt like hell. She might have had a point, but damn.
“How is it not fair?” She clenched a fist, still trembling.
“Because I'm working hard to get past that and to play again. I'm choosing not to let my mother's abandonment get to me any more. And you know what? It was you who helped me start to see the light. I've had my bad days. Hell, I'm having one right now. I fight like crazy to be a better person- not to let my past and depression get the better of me. I'm tired of my own pity parties.”
“I am not having a pity party!” she screeched. “I'm having a realization that this isn't the life for me. I've struggled with it for a long time!”
“Really? You've been excited about playing and everything else. I watch you, and your eyes light up. Your passion shines. We've had a good time together.”
“Yeah, but that's not enough to get me through the rest. I should just stick to open mic nights.”
She didn't respond to his other statement. Dread rose in his throat. “And what about us, huh? Because I feel like you're putting me in the same category of 'This isn't for me'.” He feared her answer.
The silence killed him.
Taryn said nothing, and it hurt.
He got it. Today was rough. Too much chaos and things coming in at once. She was in overload. By morning, she'd calm down.
Right?
He hoped.
“Well? What about us? I want you in my life, Taryn. I want there to be an us. I want to take you places and tell the world that you're my girl. Are you afraid of me, too? Is it because I did some stupid things?” Was asking anything even relevant right now? Maybe letting Taryn calm down and then talk to her would be best.
“I'm not cut out,” she whispered. “We tried to see what it would be like in the bedroom-”
“And it went well. Sure, there were some ups and downs, but I loved that night with you, Taryn.” His heart raced. Hadn't she had a good time? They'd fallen asleep wrapped up in each other, and Chris sensed a deeper closeness. Had he been wrong?
“The pressure is too much. It's all too much. You've been wonderful. I'll always remember everything, but maybe it's time I take a step back.” Taryn reached for her phone. “I'm going to call Kyra to come get me.”
Nothing he could do or say would fix this right now, so Chris nodded, helped her gather up her stuff, and waited in strained silence for Kyra to arrive.
*****
“Taryn, I know something is seriously wrong when you asked me to pick you up at midnight. I let you go the whole way home without talking, but maybe it's time.” Kyra lingered in the doorway of her bedroom. “You're in here crying, and I can't go to bed without talking to you. You can be upset at me for saying something to Jacques, and that's fine, but he had no right to make you uncomfortable.”
“I'm all talked out,” Taryn snapped. “Can't a girl just get some alone time?” She pulled the blankets over her head. She'd have to get up and take something for the ache in her head and neck, and as soon as Kyra left, she would. Right now, she wanted to be invisible. This was the best alternative. Hiding under the damn blanket.
“You can, but I'm going to say a few things first.” Seconds later, Kyra sat on the edge of the bed. “I got the gist of what happened from Chris. He says you're a little difficult to talk to. So instead of talking, listen to me. And, this is going to be some big tough love. I call seniority, because we've known each other long enough. You're practically my sister-”
“So just get on with it already!” Taryn threw the blanket off her head.
“You're having a pity party, and you need to stop,” Kyra said simply. “I know you had a lot thrown-”
“Seriously? That's the same
shit Chris said.” Taryn wanted to throw something.
“Well, then maybe you need to take it as a cue. Some days, you blow past any sort of expectation and rules people might place upon you. Other days, you wallow in self pity. And I know, there's been a lot of changes in your life the last few months, and part of that has to do with me.”
“Is it all about Kyra Sanders now?”
Her friend let out a sigh. “Stop it, Taryn. Stop trying to get snippy with everyone, and let's get down to the heart of the matter.”
“Go away, Kyra.”
“Nope. I did that once, and it sucked. You're stuck with me.”
“Witch.”
“Damn straight. You want me to get my broom?”
Taryn grabbed the pillow and shoved it over her head. “I can't hear you!”
It didn't stop Kyra from grabbing the pillow and swatting Taryn with it.
“Back off, Kyra!” Taryn yanked the pillow away. “You said what you needed to. Now let me sleep!”
“Don't push everyone away after one bad day. Don't blame Chris because he got involved with a woman who obviously has issues, even though I know it all has to be a reminder of the accident and the things surrounding it. You're not, never have been, and never will be an inconvenience.”
“What, did he tell you about that, too?” Taryn's stomach knotted.
“I'm not sure what you're referring to, but I don't need a reference to know you see yourself that way. I noticed it all day. You did it when you first moved here. I'm sure you've had a lot of insecurities.”
“Let me give you a general rundown, and then I'm telling you, if you don't get the hell out and let me sleep, I'm going to- Well, it won't be pretty.” Taryn's anger surged. She'd been so ready to come home and crash, but should have been prepared for Kyra's attempts at talking.
“I'm listening.” Kyra's hand landed on her elbow.
Taryn told Kyra about Martin as her feelings and emotions spun out of control.
She definitely needed to take a step back and reevaluate her options.
*****
“Is it safe to come talk to you?” The sound of Matt's voice cutting through the silence startled Taryn as she sat at the table the next morning. Then he popped in from the other room, wearing a helmet.
Taryn laughed. “Why the hell do you have a helmet on?”
“I'm afraid of your drumsticks,” he whispered, cautiously inching toward her.
“I promise I won't hit you with them if you don't say a thing about what everyone else is saying.” Taryn laughed at him again. Matt looked so goofy on his guard like that. “Is this your armor when you're afraid to talk to Kyra?”
“No. Usually with her I bring a pad of paper with some lame lyrics written on them, hoping that she didn't write an angry song about me. Her lyrics are always better, but she laughs every time.” Matt approached the table.
“If you're up for it, how about you come with me to pick out a ring?”
Matt and the helmet … what an image. Taryn stifled a giggle.
“Are you serious? Today?” Despite her irritation with Kyra and her 'pity party' comment last night, Taryn couldn't hide her excitement about picking out a ring for her with Matt. She could definitely use a pick-me-up.
“Today. Kyra's off with her family, as is Andrew. I told her I had to work, which I do, but not until later. What do you say?”
“I say yes!” Taryn squealed. “But take off that helmet. We are not going ring shopping for my best friend while you're wearing a helmet.”
He set it on the table. “We'll go when you're ready. Oh, and I'm driving a little ways out of town. The last thing I need is for nosy photographers to spill the beans and get pictures that I'm getting Kyra a ring.”
Yeah, the damn media. This was one of the things that weighed heavily on Taryn. Last night, she'd had a breakdown and knew it. She'd said things to Chris she probably shouldn't have. Her mind went to places she didn't want. She'd also gone crazy on Kyra, but when provoked to talk when she didn't want to, sometimes there were casualties.
Taryn had to make it right with everyone.
“Just let me know when you're ready to go,” Matt said. He paced the dining room, shoving his hands in his jeans pockets, then taking them out again.
“Are you nervous?”
Running a hand through his hair, Matt nodded. “I am, for a lot of reasons.”
Taryn took the last few bites of her bagel, then moved to clean her dishes. “Let me grab my purse, and I'll be ready.” She could use today as a distraction. Taryn grabbed her phone and threw it in her purse. Her text notification lit up. Just one, from Chris.
Miss you, drummer girl. When you feel better, let's talk. Whatever you decide, I don't want to leave things like this. I'm hurting right along with you.
She almost tapped out an apology, but it wasn't something she wanted to do over a text. An ache settled over her heart. She missed him, too. Even though it had been hours since Taryn left his place, it felt so much longer. She never should have thrown his depression and the lack of desire to play drums because of his mother in his face. Anger made people say and do stupid stuff sometimes.
Matt waited for her. “Ready?”
“Yep. Let's do this.”
He held the door open for her, and as Taryn rolled down toward his car, Matt locked the door behind them.
It wasn't until they were on the road that Taryn said anything. “Why are you so nervous? You and Kyra are perfect together.”
“Some days, I still have trouble because of what I experienced before. My ex-wife wanted music, and she never let me forget it. Kyra is nothing like Kendra, I know, but I still worry sometimes. Are we going to make it when there's long stretches of time she isn't home? She's so driven and dedicated. I love that about her, don't get me wrong, but things have been unpredictable, too. My life isn't my own now. I get reporters and magazine writers wanting stories from me. I have to keep Andrew's safety in mind. But when I look at Kyra, I know I don't want anyone else. She's the one for me, and I have to stop thinking about what was, and start thinking about what could be. I like the person I've become since giving in to the feelings I have for her.”
Taryn took his words to heart. Different situation, same sentiment. “You're not doing this today just to give me some sort of pep talk, are you? What you just said- the situation mirrors mine.”
“We're supposed to team up and win the bets, remember? Why else would I do this with you?” Matt joked, glancing at her with a smile. “I know our situations mirror each other's, and it's coincidental. I wasn't bringing it up to sneak around the back way in order to get you to talk, I promise.”
“You heard us last night, didn't you?” She and Kyra had gone at it pretty bad, especially after admitting about Martin. There'd definitely been some heated words and tears on both ends.
“I did. Kyra was pretty upset all night. She's worried about you.”
“I'm not going to tell her this, but she might be right. I do tend to have a pity party. I don't always realize I'm doing it. I just get scared sometimes. No, not sometimes. I get scared a lot. I think I've come to terms with everything, and then things happen that have a slight resemblance to what led to that accident in the first place. I completely lost it.” Sure, there was still much more to it, but Taryn couldn't deny that Chris' situation, combined with the asshat photographer yesterday sent her into an emotional overload.
“Do you know Kyra still has nightmares about it? That and Brandon's attack. She wakes up in a cold sweat, completely hysterical. She freaks out and thinks she needs to stop everything she's doing. It takes her a while to calm down and come to her senses. People might tell you to stop living in the past, and you know, while it's true, some things you can't get over easy.”
“I knew it still bothered her. I mean, how could it not? I had no idea she still had so many nightmares.” Kyra hadn't mentioned nightmares recently.
“Oh yeah, and talking her down at the time does no good. She
will yell, scream, cry, and curse. I have to wait until she's calm and the feeling has passed. Then she realizes it was the fear taking over, and Kyra gets back on track.”
“Like I should do, right?” The words slipped from her mouth before she could stop them.
“That depends. What do you want?”
“I want to play drums.” No doubt about that one, at least. But did she want the simple life of a few open mic nights, or did she really want to tour and be part of a band again?
“What don't you want? What is it that's holding you back?”
Taryn pondered this. Matt had a good question. Why did she freak out yesterday, aside from the obvious? What held her back? She'd gone and found a way to play drums again. She'd been content with the open mic nights. Not happy, per se, but content. Of course when the band opportunity came up, she'd been cautious, but that was to be expected. “I don't want to fail.” She'd had enough of feeling like a failure.
“No one wants to fail, but for as many failures as one may have, all we can do is keep trying. I fail all the time. I can't always be the best father to Andrew. Sometimes I mess up. Sometimes, it's impossible not to fail. I worry about failing Kyra. You know my first marriage failed, and I don't want that to happen again. And I'll tell you this, even though I'm not sure if Kyra wants you to know, but she's scared to death of failing you.”
“What? Why? How could she fail me?” Taryn absorbed this new information.
Matt glanced at her. “She still feels she failed you because you got in the car with her that night. Even though the truth came out after all this time, Kyra still feels responsible. So when you're having a rough day, she feels it, too. Sometimes, her nightmares involve your friendship and how it changed.”
“I guess I should have known that, considering we've talked about letting each other down and being intimidated by the other,” Taryn muttered, closing her eyes. She'd had a headache yesterday and let her irrational worries get the better of her, and the aftereffects were hard to get rid of.
Offbeat (Love and Music In Texas Book 5) Page 31