Miranda Hart

by Sophie Johnson

  But the famous had their own juicy confessions of embarrassment to share, like Miranda Hart: ‘I went to a toilet on a train and I thought I had locked the door. I was just taking my trousers down, and as I did that the train did one of those “lurch” stops. I fell through the door of the toilet which hadn’t been locked, and was trouserless and pantless in front of a buffet queue in the train carriage.’

  Other events included one in which BBC Radio DJs and presenters (one from each national network) swapped their mixing desks for a single mic on a stage as they took part in Stand Up for Comic Relief. Dev (Radio 1), Tony Blackburn (Radio 2), Tom Service (Radio 3), Jenni Murray (Radio 4), Tony Livesey (5 Live) and Shaun Keaveny (6 Music) all went in front of a live audience at the Comedy Store in London to perform a three-minute stand-up set. Listeners voted Jenni Murray – whose spot including jokes about how to target younger listeners on Radio 4 – as their favourite. Mark Steel, the comedian who mentored her, said, ‘Jenni’s been a delight… whenever you’ve been listening to her on Woman’s Hour, you must be aware that, no matter how serious the subject, underneath there’s a huge cauldron of bubbling standup mirth.’

  One of the biggest marathon events ahead of Red Nose Day itself was yet another challenge for David Walliams – 24 Hour Panel People. Across one whole 24-hour period, he either hosted or took part in some of the most iconic game shows of British television including Just A Minute, Blankety Blank, Never Mind The Buzzcocks, Call My Bluff, Mock The Week, Mastermind, Room 101 and QI. On the highlights show, a voiceover announced that ‘People all over the world were watching online to find out if David could be funny for 24 hours straight. It was the most talked-about thing on Twitter, trending globally from Peru to Australia, with over 24,000 tweets in 24 hours.’

  And Miranda was one of them, tweeting, ‘There is a strong chance my life won’t improve after what is lined up for 24 Hour Panel People this afternoon.’

  Hart took part in a special revival of The Generation Game with Patricia Hodge as her teammate. They were up against Walliams and his mum, while Vernon Kay played host. There was a high level of competitive spirit between the two teams, and Miranda started early with the fighting talk. Five hours into Walliams’ 24-hour stint, Vernon suggested that Walliams was already flagging as he didn’t have a witty riposte ready, to which Walliams replied, ‘At least this is my real mum not a pretend, made-up one from a TV show. My mum’s not ashamed of me; she’ll come on television!’

  The teams were tasked with the classic Generation Game pot-moulding challenge, or ‘throwing a pot’, as it’s officially called. The professional demonstrates, first how to shape the pot and then add the handle. Smoothing the clay for the handle involves a rather suggestive hand movement. The potter explained, ‘It’s a bit like milking a cow, some people say,’ while the audience shrieked with hysterical laughter. To this, Miranda feigned ignorance: ‘Why are you laughing?!’

  The mums went first. Patricia Hodge was very good at it, as she had tried it before. David’s mum was no expert, but made a reasonable attempt. Then it was the comedians’ turn. Miranda’s pot collapsed, so she improvised and made it into a basket. David’s too fell over, but he tried to excuse the disaster by saying, ‘It’s abstract, that was the idea!’ David and his mum were awarded six out of ten, while Miranda and Patricia won with eight. Walliams’ reaction was sulky: ‘I think it’s an insult to pottery.’

  Nevertheless, Walliams managed to stay awake throughout his 24-hour panel-show marathon, which proved to be a fantastic success. Afterwards, he said, ‘It was as tough as I thought it would be, particularly at the end just having to keep the show together, being so exhausted and not being able to think straight any more.’ Tired eyes proved the biggest risk to it all falling apart: ‘I just couldn’t read the autocue any more because my eyes couldn’t focus, which is quite a scary thing, especially as there was an audience here.’

  As well as exciting firsts like 24 Hour Panel People, 2011’s fundraiser also saw the return of Let’s Dance for Comic Relief, the show that had previously seen Robert Webb perform that ‘What A Feeling!’ routine from Flashdance and Rufus Hound present a moustachioed homage to Cheryl Cole. Cross-dressing returned as a popular theme in the third series of the show, much to the delight of many viewers, but not some critics. Michael Hogan wrote on the Guardian’s TV and Radio blog: ‘So many Let’s Dance stars are flogging the cross-dressing clotheshorse that it’s almost ruining this fun show.’

  Whether a fan or not, there was no denying men dressed as women and vice versa was in abundance. Of the six acts left in the final, four were cross-dressed – Russell Kane in what many thought a scarily accurate rendition of Beyoncé’s ‘Crazy in Love’, Noel Fielding flailing about in a scarlet dress to ‘Wuthering Heights’ by Kate Bush, Katie Price donning a ’tache for her best Freddie Mercury in Queen’s ‘I Want To Break Free’, and Ade Edmondson in full ballet garb for a slapstick rendition of ‘The Dying Swan’. The other two acts in the final were the 80s Super Group with ‘Greased Lightning’, and Charlie Baker and James Thornton tap-dancing their way through ‘Puttin’ on the Ritz’.

  Miranda also appeared in the Let’s Dance final, but rather than dancing (that would come later) she was a celebrity judge alongside Louie Spence and the series two winner Rufus Hound. When Katie Price performed her hoover-pushing routine of ‘I Want To Break Free’, Miranda said of her tiny leather mini, ‘First off, can I have me skirt back? She’s ruined it by putting an extra panel in.’

  Ahead of the final result, the Guardian’s Hogan wrote, ‘Tip to win? Well, excuse the told-you-so smugsies but I predicted the winner would come from the Kane/Fielding/Edmondson ladyboy stable. If I had to stick my neck out, I’d plump for Kane. Mainly because despite looking like an horrifically burnt Gillian McKeith on a hen night, he makes me both aroused and bilious at the same time – a rare skill.’

  Kane was a popular choice, even the bookies’ favourite with odds of 11/8 to win. But expectations were confounded when comedian Charlie Baker and Emmerdale actor James Thornton beat him to the winners’ podium. They were visibly surprised by their victory, gushing with gratitude. ‘I want to say thanks to everyone who voted at home,’ said Thornton. ‘We’ve raised so much money for a brilliant cause and that’s what it’s all about. We’ve had a real laugh while we’ve been doing it, cheers guys!’

  Louie Spence in particular had been rooting for them and sang their praises highly: ‘You had great fluidity through the moves as well. It was beautiful and your rhythms were great, so well done. I would be more than happy to be your Ginger Rogers!’

  What turned out to be one of the year’s more controversial fundraising efforts was Twitrelief. This was the brainchild of scriptwriter and Comic Relief fundraiser Emma Freud and the actress Emma Kennedy. Freud was trying to think of ways to raise money through Twitter when, over Christmas dinner, Kennedy told her about Twitchange, an enterprise set up by Eva Longoria in 2010 which auctioned off a follow from a celebrity tweeter. (For the uninitiated – where have you been? – for someone to see your tweets on their homepage, they need to follow you. So, if a celebrity follows you, they will be able to read your posts and you will be able to send each other private messages.)

  The Twitchange idea had raised a lot of money and Freud was keen to see how it could work for Comic Relief. ‘Twitrelief was Kennedy’s idea,’ Freud explained. ‘She said she was sure people would pay for celebrities to follow them on Twitter. I said, “Yeah, about 50p.” She said, “Seriously – in America, I was auctioned for 1500 dollars.” Emma Kennedy? Emma Kennedy the ENGLISH comedy actress and author? Went for over a grand in the States?’

  Freud was now convinced by the idea’s potential, so they went about their mission. In a matter of days they had more than 100 celebrities signed up for Operation Twitrelief. Originally, the idea was for the celebrity to follow you for 90 days, but soon they started adding extras. Miranda put up a signed script of her sitcom, while others’ offerings were a li
ttle more extravagant and eccentric. Organiser Emma Freud added the opportunity of a walk-on part in her partner Richard Curtis’s next film. Robert Webb said he would perform live a favourite sketch or moment from Peep Show for the winning bidder via a Skype video call. Chris Addison’s follow came with the bonus of a swear-packed phone call from The Thick of It’s Malcolm Tucker (played by Peter Capaldi). Rufus Hound even agreed to get a tattoo of the bidder’s choice on his leg – you could even choose which leg it would adorn. But it was the comedian David Schneider who offered one of the most original extras: ‘As well as following the person on Twitter, I will literally follow them in real life. I will walk behind them for one hour, at a designated distance which they can choose.’

  But when it was launched, on 10 March, Twitrelief met with some criticism from other users. CreativeReview said, ‘We don’t want to shoot down important fundraising work, but how horribly ill-conceived and ego-stroking is #twitrelief?’

  Others were rather more aggressive or rude with their disapproval, causing upset to many of those involved. The main arguments against it were that, by offering follows at a price, it suggested that celebrities were superior; that it was not what Twitter is ‘for’; and that celebrities should donate themselves rather than getting the public to do it for them.

  Graham Linehan wrote a blog post quoting complaints that came through and answering them with his side of the story. He reasoned that celebrities did not think themselves superior, that ‘it’s a dangerous road to start telling people how to use their account’ and that the follow would not replace donations. Responding to one user who suggested they could afford to donate one month’s wages, Linehan offered: ‘James Corden, to take one example, has been filming for Comic Relief for three weeks, so in effect he has already given up a month’s wages.’

  Miranda summed up many people’s opinion in one tweet: ‘For those moaning about #twitrelief I’ll say this – it will raise enough money to change people’s lives. Poverty exists. Ooh, serious tweet.’

  Many positive comments about the event circulated, but, as Linehan wrote on his blog, ‘The damage had already been done, at least where Miranda Hart was concerned. By the end of the afternoon, she had had enough.’

  Miranda announced that she was leaving Twitter ‘for SO many reasons’, and that she would pay her bidder back as her donation. Although she had previously received some negative comments via Twitter, the reactions to Twitrelief were what had prompted her to leave: ‘Oh, hate of twitter nothing to do with people saying the odd nasty to me – don’t give two hoots about that. 140 character to short to explain [sic]’.

  Despite this hiccup, Twitrelief ended up an enormous success. On 21 March, three days after Red Nose Day itself, it was announced: ‘So, after all the bids were in last night, the grand #twitrelief total was… *drumroll*… A MASSIVE £286,074.23!!! Can’t thank you enough!’

  Less controversy came with the sillier, lighter event, The Masters of the Kazooniverse. Staged at the Royal Albert Hall on 14 March, Miranda was among 3,910 people (including over 80 celebrities) who managed to beat the world record for the largest kazoo ensemble, previously set by 3,861 people in Sydney. Led by the professional group Masters of the Kazooniverse, the London venue was buzzing to mass kazoo renditions of ‘The Ride of the Valkyries’ and the ‘Dambusters Theme’. The concert was compered by Katie Derham and Basil Brush and was broadcast on Radio 3 on Red Nose Day. ‘We loved the idea of marrying what we do in comedy with what they do with classical music,’ said Emma Freud. ‘The original plan was to have just a few kazooers on stage but I mentioned it to [Emma] Kennedy and suddenly there were 87.’

  Before the Royal Albert Hall show, Miranda said, ‘It’s fantastic how many people are taking part in this brilliant fundraising event. It’s going to be a real spectacle. I just need to work out what a kazoo actually is, and then work out how to play it. It’s fun even saying “kazoo” so I can’t wait.’

  When the result had been made official, Craig Glenday, Editor-in-Chief of Guinness World Records, said, ‘[We] would like to congratulate everyone that hummed their way into the record books during Radio 3’s Red Nose Show to set a new record for the largest ever kazoo ensemble.’

  All this build-up meant expectations were high for Red Nose Day itself – where Miranda would shine. She said, ‘It has some huge television moments, like Dawn French kissing Hugh Grant. There’s always some terribly exciting thing that I’m sure will happen again on the 18th of March.’

  Part of the excitement of RND comes from the fact that it is broadcast live, so the unexpected can, and often does, happen.

  Guardian writer Michael Hogan also reviewed the evening’s highlights for the Telegraph: ‘Live TV took its toll too, with technical glitches and awkward gaps, but that’s part of the seat-of-the-pants appeal of such events.’ As usual, silly skits and sketches were interspersed with appeals for donations, through emotive films. Hogan continued, ‘The Africa films were remarkably powerful, especially those fronted by David Tennant, Lenny Henry and Jack Dee. Proceedings started at 7pm and many viewers would have been in tears by 7.08pm. It’s hard to see how anyone could not donate under those circumstances.’

  As important as these inserts are for Comic Relief, viewers also want to be entertained by the one-off specials from Britain’s top presenters, actors and comedians. The proceedings began brilliantly with a special episode of Outnumbered, in which the family accosted tennis ace Andy Murray, a Doctor Who mini-episode that found the Tardis within the Tardis, and Harry Hill looking for wildlife in his off-the-wall version of Autumnwatch.

  Then we were treated to Miranda’s first appearance of the evening, in Comic Relief’s take on Masterchef. Along with fellow unlikely cooks Claudia Winkleman and Ruby Wax, she had the challenge of preparing and serving a meal to Prime Minister David Cameron and his guests: ‘Cooking doesn’t get tougher than this!’

  It wasn’t the first time a PM had appeared in Comic Relief, as Tony Blair appeared opposite Catherine Tate’s character Lauren ‘Am I bovvered?’ Cooper in 2007.

  Ruby began the meal by serving up a crab salad starter, which she managed to leave riddled with shell, putting Cameron at risk of breaking a tooth. Claudia was in charge of the main dish and somewhat over-spiced her chilli con carne. Surprising everyone – Winkleman especially – the Prime Minister enjoyed it, but quickly added that it wasn’t as good as his wife Samantha’s. Miranda made her own meringues and dished up a dessert of trifle with, in true childish Miranda style, gummy bears instead of jelly. The team was amused but impressed and crowned her the winner, adding yet another trophy to her ever-growing cabinet.

  Next up was Jennifer Saunders’ return to Comic Relief, but this time with the notable absence of her former comedy partner Dawn French. Uptown Downstairs Abbey was an affectionate spoof of two TV dramas: Julian Fellowes’ Downton Abbey and the recent revival of the 1970s hit Upstairs Downstairs. Apart from being a brilliantly observed parody, the skit was notable for its impressive cast. Joining Jennifer Saunders were comedy stars Harry Enfield, Joanna Lumley, Victoria Wood and Tim Vine, as well as Sex and the City star Kim Cattrall, who is a fan of Downton Abbey.

  It wasn’t long before Miranda Hart’s starring moment – her very own Comic Relief special. She teased about what might be to come on Twitter at the end of February: ‘Sworn to secrecy but there’s a strong chance my Comic Relief sketch could finish me physically and comedically. Ooh I’m a tease. 18th march. [sic]’

  Her special saw her and her sitcom family take over Pineapple Dance Studios, famous after Sky One’s show that made a star out of Louie Spence. Hart appeared on Graham Norton’s chat show ahead of Red Nose Day and he asked her if she was a dancer, because he had heard she had a health scare on a dance floor. She laughed at the suggestion, saying, ‘Well I dance like we all dance, with a couple of sherries in us!’ and explained further: ‘Towards the end of a night, about 5am, 10 or 12 of us were left on the dance floor and I suddenly collapsed in agonisin
g pain to the floor and turned sheet-white, writhing round. So everyone said, “Right. Call an ambulance, it’s clearly appendicitis,” and then apparently I did the biggest fart you have ever heard! And then leapt up and went, “I’m fine now,” as the ambulance was pulling up.’

  The first part of Miranda’s special was in the style of a Pineapple Dance Studios episode, complete with a commentary from the series’ resident narrator, Michael Buerk. Miranda and ‘her tiny elf of a friend’ Stevie are manning the dance studios’ reception, gazing at hunks like its dance teacher Andrew Stone. Meanwhile, Penny – who according to the voiceover ‘trained at the Bath School of Dance where she spent several summers under Lionel Blair’ – is teaching a class.

  Gary enters dressed in a vest and pork-pie hat, while Buerk explains: ‘Gary has been told that, because his name is one letter away from gay, he’s a likely dancer.’

  Heather Small arrives to practise in one of the rehearsal rooms, but Miranda panics when they run out of cups, instead offering her water to lap up like a cat. Stevie tries to teach Small to sing ‘Proud’.

  Then Louis Spence turns up with JLS, while Buerk tells us some backstory: ‘Miranda and Louie have always been rivals. The first time Louie took Miranda up the West End it was a turning point – in that he turned gay.’

  She was supposed to have arranged a dancer for JLS and hasn’t, but Penny doesn’t seem concerned. The boys aren’t worried either, as they say they’ve seen some dancers and think they can make it work. Part one of the Miranda special, then, ends on a cliffhanger: ‘But how?’