He says, “Well, I was last, and I told the sergeant I couldn’t do it, that I was too scared. And he said to me, ‘Well, son, I’m gay, and there’s only one way you’re getting out of it.’”
His father says, “Did you jump?”
He says, “A little at first.”
A middle-aged guy and his date are in the movies making out hot and heavy when his toupee slides off.
As he’s groping around for it, his hand goes between her legs, up her skirt, and lands on her twat.
She says, “That’s it! That’s it!”
He says, “It can’t be. I part mine on the side.”
A little mouse is running along when an eagle swoops down, swallows him, and then takes off again.
A few minutes later the mouse pops! his head out of the eagle’s ass.
He says, “How high up are we?”
The eagle says, “About a mile.”
The mouse says, “You wouldn’t shit me, wouldja?”
Jack calls a girl for a date.
She says, “But, Jack, I’ve got my menstrual cycle.”
He says, “So I’ll come over on my moped.”
Walters is standing outside a condo in Miami Beach when all of a sudden he hears, “Hello, handsome.”
He looks up and sees a middle-aged woman, naked from the waist up, hanging out of a window. And she’s got beautiful jugs.
She says, “Come on up. 14B.”
Needless to say, he runs into the hotel, goes up in the elevator, runs down the hall to 14B, and knocks on the door. She opens the door, pulls him in, and closes the door. She’s stark naked, except for bikini panties. He can’t believe it. She leads him into the living room, not saying a word. She unbuckles his belt, pulls down his zipper, undoes his pants, and pulls them down to his ankles. She pulls his T-shirt up to his chest, and pulls down his underpants. He’s got a boner like you write home about.
She cups his hard-on in her hand, strokes it a few times, and then she starts smacking! it, and says, “Don’t-you-ever-park-in-my-fucking-parking-spot-again-you-son-of-a-bitch-that’s-my-fucking-parking-spot-don’t-you-ever-fucking-park-there-again-you-cocksucker …”
What’s the best way to part a girl’s hair?
With your tongue.
Paul works in the circus, following the elephants with a pail and shovel. One day, his brother comes to see him.
He says, “Paul, I’ve got great news. I’ve got you a job in my office. You’ll wear a suit and tie, work regular hours, and start at thirteen five. How about it?”
Paul says, “What? And give up show business?”
I’m glad you’re enjoying my book.
Jeeze, I haven’t seen a smile like that since Captain Hook
wiped with the wrong hand.
How are a woman’s breasts like
electric train sets?
They were originally intended for
the kids, but Pop always winds
up playing with them.
Mehrtens is a traveling salesman, and his car breaks down, so he has to spend the night at a farmer’s house. There’s only one place for him to sleep, and that’s in the bed with the farmer and his beautiful daughter. The three of them climb into bed, and the farmer finally falls asleep.
Mehrtens whispers to the girl, “Let’s get it on.”
She says, “You better see if my father’s asleep.”
Mehrtens unbuttons the flap of the farmer’s pajamas, reaches in, and yanks a hair out of the farmer’s rear end. The farmer doesn’t stir, so they get it on.
A little while later, Mehrtens says to the girl, “Hey, let’s do it again.”
She says, “Make sure my father is asleep.”
Mehrtens reaches in and pulls another hair out of his butt. The farmer doesn’t budge, so they do it again.
It’s almost sunrise, and Mehrtens says, “What do you say? One more time?”
She says, “Make sure my father is asleep.”
Mehrtens reaches in and grabs another hair, and yanks! it, but it doesn’t come out. He gives it another good tug, but the hair just doesn’t come out.
All of a sudden the farmer wakes up, rolls over, and says, “Listen, Mac, I don’t care if you fuck my daughter, but don’t keep score on my ass.”
How is a pussy like a grapefruit?
The best ones squirt when you eat them.
Why don’t the cheerleaders in San Francisco
wear short skirts?
Because when they sit down
their balls hang out.
Hodgee comes to the United States from India, and he’s only here a few months when he gets very ill. He goes to doctor after doctor, but none of them can help him. Finally, he goes to an Indian doctor.
The doctor says, “Take dis bucket, go into de other room, shit in de bucket, piss on de shit, and then put your head down over de bucket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes.”
Hodgee takes the bucket, goes into the other room, shits in the bucket, pisses on the shit, bends over, and breathes in the fumes for ten minutes.
Then he comes back to the doctor and says, “ It worked. I feel terrific. What was it?”
The doctor says, “You were homesick.”
Chiusano says to his wife, “How about a quickie?”
She says, “As opposed to what?”
A construction worker goes to the doctor and says, “Doc, I’m constipated.”
The doctor examines him for a minute and then says, “Lean over the table.”
The construction worker leans over the table, the doctor whacks! him on the ass with a baseball bat, and then sends him into the bathroom.
He comes out a few minutes later and says, “Doc, I feel great. What should I do?”
The doctor says, “Stop wiping with cement bags.”
There once was a guy from Sydney,
Who could put it in up to her kidney,
But a guy from Quebec,
Put it up to her neck,
He had a big one, didn’t he?
What would you call a German tampon?
A twatstika.
Zebrowski gets home from work early, walks in the front door, and there’s a guy on the living room floor banging his wife.
He says, “Sylvia, what are you doing?”
She says, “I told you he was stupid.”
Why do Jewish guys watch porno movies backwards?
Because they like the part where the hooker
gives the money back.
How was Velcro invented?
An Italian woman was trying to pull on a wool sweater over
her head, and it got caught on her mustache.
Why don’t witches wear any underwear?
So they can get a better grip on their broomsticks.
Reeb marries a girl, and they go on their honeymoon. He leaves the room the first night to go down to the lobby to get a pack of cigarettes, and when he gets back, his bride is lying on the bed naked fucking one of the bellhops. Another one is under her, getting her in the ass, she’s sucking off the desk clerk, and she’s jerking off a cab driver and the dishwasher.
Reeb screams, “What the fuck are all these jag-offs doing in here?”
She says, “Well, you always knew I was a flirt.”
Why don’t women blink during foreplay?
They don’t have time.
What’s the difference between a band leader
and a gynecologist?
A band leader fucks his singers.
I hope you enjoyed this section.
If you didn’t, why don’t you go
run through a harp.
Nipple Hair
Elkins is out hunting and he sees a bear. He shoots, and the bear falls. He goes running up, and there’s no bear. There’s a tap on his shoulder, he turns around, and it’s the bear.
The bear says, “Did you just shoot at me?”
Elkins says, “Yeah.”
The bear points at his dick and says, “Suck my cock.”
Elkins goes to the gun shop and buys a double-barrel shotgun. He goes into the woods, sees the bear, fires both barrels, and the bear falls. He goes running up, and there’s no bear. There’s a tap on his shoulder, and it’s the bear.
The bear says, “Did you just shoot at me twice with a double-barrel shotgun?”
Elkins says, “Yeah.”
The bear says, “Pull down your pants and bend over that log.”
What can he do, it’s a bear. He pulls down his pants, bends over the log, and the bear fucks him in the ass. And it takes a long time, because the bear just had sex the day before.
The next day Elkins goes to the gun shop and buys an elephant gun. He goes into the forest, spots the bear, empties the gun into it, and the bear falls. He goes running up, and there’s no bear. There’s a tap on his shoulder.
He turns around and the bear says, “You don’t come here to hunt, do you?”
Phelan turns on his TV in a San Francisco motel room and sees a local ad with two guys in it.
The first guy says, “Is this margarine?”
The second guy says, “Yes, it’s margarine.”
The first guy says, “Well, it feels like butter.”
What’s the difference between spit and swallow?
Forty pounds of pressure on the back of her head.
Hiram answers the telephone, and it’s an emergency room doctor.
The doctor says, “Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will be on a respirator the rest of her life.”
Hiram says, “My God. What’s the good news?”
The doctor says, “I’m kidding. She’s dead.”
Colleen is a devout Catholic, a very religious girl. She gets married, and has seventeen children, and then her husband dies.
She doesn’t get married again for two weeks. Then she has twenty-two children by her next husband, and then he dies. A few months later, Colleen dies.
At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, “At last, they’re together.”
A guy sitting in the front says, “Excuse me, Father, but do you mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?”
The priest says, “I mean her legs.”
Here we are in the classroom, and the teacher draws a huge penis on the blackboard.
She says, “Can anyone tell me what this is?”
Dirty Johnny stands up and says, “Yup. I know what it is. It’s a penis. And you know how I know? My old man’s got two of ’em.”
The teacher says, “Two of them? Are you sure, son?”
Johnny says, “Of course I’m sure. The little one he uses to pee, and the big one he uses to brush the babysitter’s teeth.”
A guy from France, a guy from California, and a guy from New York get caught by cannibals.
They say to the guy from France, “We’re going to boil you and eat you.”
He says, “Sacre bleu! Zis is terrible! You cannot boil me and eat me! Sacre bleu!”
They say to the guy from California, “We’re going to cut you up, and use your bones to make weapons.”
The guy from California says, “Oh, wow, man, you can’t do that, man … you can’t cut me up and use my bones, man … that’s bogus, dudes.”
They say to the New Yorker, “And you. We’re going to peel off all of your skin, and use it to make a canoe.”
The New Yorker grabs a fork from one of the cannibals, starts stabbing himself all over, and he says, “Yeah? Here’s your fucking canoe, you asshole. I got your fucking canoe right here. Here’s your fucking canoe, Jack. Your mother should take a trip in this canoe, you fucking cocksucker.”
Why should you fuck a mountain goat
on the edge of a cliff?
So you’ll be sure she pushes back.
A dentist says to his patient, “You just had oral sex with your wife, didn’t you?”
The guy says, “Why do you say that, Doc? Does my breath smell?”
The dentist says, “No.”
The guy says, “Pubic hair in my teeth?”
The dentist says, “No.”
The guy says, “So how’d you know?”
The dentist says, “You’ve got shit on your nose.”
How is a woman like a toilet seat?
Without the hole in the middle, they
wouldn’t be good for shit.
A Polish guy takes a girl to the drive-in.
She says, “Do you want to get in the back seat?”
He says, “Oh, no. I’m staying up here with you.”
Perkins tells a stranger at the bar that he’s about to get married to Betsy, the waitress in the restaurant on the corner.
The stranger says, “Betsy? Shit, I’ve known that bimbo for ten years. Brown hair, but her pussy hair is a lot darker?”
Perkins says, “That’s right.”
“Has an ostrich tattooed on her lower belly with its head buried in her snatch?”
“That’s the one.”
“Loves every kind of kinky sex, and can’t ever seem to get it up her asshole enough?”
“Yep.”
“I must have banged her five hundred goddamned times.”
Perkins calls the bartender over and says, “Sir, please give this man a drink on me. He’s a friend of my fiancée.”
How do you ditch a Jewish cop?
Drive through a toll booth.
What’s the difference between driving
and getting a blow job?
You can only hold one beer while you’re driving.
Brad and Doreen are taking a horse-drawn cab ride in the midst of their fun-packed New York City honeymoon. The carriage goes down a cobblestone avenue, and it causes Doreen to cut an incredibly loud fart. I mean, it isn’t often the horse stops and turns around. Being terribly embarrassed, Doreen decides she better start up some kind of conversation.
She says, “Brad, honey, should we stop along the way and pick up a paper?”
Brad says, “Nah. When we go through the park, I’ll reach out and grab you a handful of leaves.”
Why don’t Mexicans wear short-sleeved shirts?
Because it would be disgusting to
wipe snot on their bare wrists.
“Aaallpp!”
There’s a scream from the bedroom. The husband runs in and there’s a guy leaping out of the window.
His wife says, “Whaa! That guy just fucked me twice!”
He says, “Twice? Why didn’t you call me in after he fucked you once?”
She says, “Because I thought it was you … until he started for the second one.”
Why did the Italians lose the war?
They ordered ziti instead of shells.
Salem says to his wife, “If I said something was black, you’d say it was white, just to disagree, wouldn’t you?”
She says, “No.”
Dirty Johnny gets a newspaper route. He rings a bell and a lady answers wearing just a bra and panties.
He says, “Collect, miss. That’ll be five dollars.”
She says, “I’m a little short on cash, but if you want, I’ll give you sex instead.”
Johnny says, “All right.”
He walks in, she unfastens his pants, and pulls them down, and there’s the biggest dick she’s ever seen. Like a baby’s arm with an apple in its fist. Veins the size of pencils, a monster. He reaches into his shirt pocket, pulls out a handful of huge washers, and starts sliding them onto his prick.
She says, “What are you doing? I can take it all.”
He says, “Not for five bucks you can’t.”
Did you hear about the Ethiopian who
fell into the alligator pit?
She ate three of them before they
could get her out of th
ere.
I hope you enjoyed this section.
If you didn’t, why don’t you
just close the book and pout
like you’ve got a turd caught
sideways?
Douches
Are Wild
A couple has been dating for three months, and the sex is getting dull.
One night they’re lying in bed when the girl says, “Harry, want to try something new? It’s very kinky.”
He says, “Sure.”
She says, “Stand over me and take a shit on me.”
He stands up, straddles her, squats a bit, and takes a dump on her chest.
She says, “Now lie in it on top of me and fuck me.”
He lies on top of her, with the shit oozing between them, and she gives him the wildest fuck he’s ever had. The next time they’re lying in bed, it’s boring, and she asks him to do it again. He stands over her and grinds out a huge chocolate Carvel onto her chest. Then he lies on her, and they have another incredible fuck. As time goes on, Harry really gets into it. He eats like a horse on the days before their dates, because it seems the more he craps on her, the better the sex is.
One Thursday night, he has the runs, so on Friday morning he eats a few cheese sandwiches and downs a whole bottle of Kaopectate before he goes to work, so he won’t wheedle down his legs at the office. That night, he goes to her house, they go into the bedroom and get undressed, she lies on the bed, he stands over her, and squats down, and grunts … but nothing comes out. He strains a bit, and grunts, and then llbbt! … a little fart … but nothing of any substance. For a few minutes, he’s pushing and grunting, when suddenly he hears her crying.
He says, “Honey, what’s wrong?”
She says, “You don’t love me anymore.”
What’s the difference between St. Patrick’s
Day and Martin Luther King Day?
On St. Patrick’s Day, everybody wishes
they were Irish.
McCreedy goes up to the drugstore counter and says, “I need some condoms and some pesticide.”
Disgustingly Dirty Joke Book Page 5