The girl says, “Don’t you mean spermicide?”
He says, “No, I mean pesticide. My wife’s got a bug up her ass and I’m goin’ in after it.”
Bernstein and Nickau are walking along when a beautiful girl comes walking the other way.
Nickau says, “Let’s fuck her.”
Bernstein says, “Fuck her out of what?”
What’s the quietest place in the world?
The complaint department at the
parachute packing plant.
What’s the worst thing about a lung transplant?
Coughing up someone else’s phlegm.
A guy walks into a bar and there’s a gorilla sitting in the corner.
He says to the bartender, “What’s with the gorilla?”
The bartender says, “I’ll show you.”
He takes a baseball bat from behind the bar, walks around, and smashes! the gorilla in the forehead with the baseball bat. The gorilla drops to his knees, and gives the bartender a blow job.
When the gorilla gets done, the bartender says, “What do you think?”
The guy says, “That’s great.”
The bartender says, “You want to try?”
The guy says, “Okay. But don’t hit me so hard.”
Baer is whittling, he doesn’t realize his zipper’s open, and he almost cuts off his dick.
His dick looks up and says, “You know, we’ve had a lot of fistfights, but I never thought you’d pull a knife on me.”
Do black people really talk funny?
No. It’s a miff.
Do you know what a “will-not” is?
A “will-not” is a little tiny ball of toilet paper that gets stuck
in the hairs of your ass and will not come out.
An Eskimo’s snowblower is on the blink, so he takes it to get fixed.
The mechanic works on it a while, and then he says to the Eskimo, “Looks like you blew a seal.”
The Eskimo says, “No, it’s just snot.”
“Pop, can I have twenty dollars for a blow job?”
“I don’t know, son. Are you any good?”
Roberts is sitting with his wife at a football game. Every few minutes, somebody comes over and fondles her. They squeeze her tits, reach up her dress, finger her, grind against her knees. And Roberts just sits there and accepts it.
Finally, the guy sitting next to him says, “Don’t you see what the hell is going on?”
Roberts says, “Of course.”
The guy says, “Why’d you bring her to the game?”
Roberts says, “Because if I leave her home, everybody goes to my house and fucks her.”
An optometrist operates on a hippie painter’s girlfriend and saves her eyesight. The hippie painter is so grateful that he goes to the doctor’s house one day while the doctor has office hours, goes inside, and paints a huge eye on an entire wall of the living room, leaving the fireplace as the pupil of the eye. He’s just finishing up when the doctor walks in.
He says to the doctor, “Well, do you like it, man?”
The doctor says, “Yeah, but I’ll tell you, I’m certainly glad I’m not a gynecologist.”
Why do Arab women wear veils?
So they can blow their noses without
getting their hands dirty.
Two bananas are laying on a river bank when a turd comes floating by.
The turd looks over at the two bananas and says, “Come on in! The water’s great!”
One banana turns to the other and says, “Do you believe that shit?”
What does a seventy-year-old snatch taste like?
Depends.
West says to the doctor, “Doc, my hearing’s going. I can’t even hear myself fart.”
The doctor says, “Take these pills every day for a week.”
West says, “Will they make me hear better?”
The doctor says, “They’ll make you fart louder.”
Mrs. Blum’s husband has lost all interest in sex, so she goes and buys some crotchless panties. That night she takes off all of her clothes, puts on the crotchless panties, and lies on the bed.
When her husband walks in from work, she yells, “I’m in here.”
When he walks in, she spreads her legs and says, “You see anything you want?”
He says, “Why would I want any of that? Look what it did to your panties.”
A couple’s been married for fifteen years, and they sleep in separate beds. One night the husband is really horny. He’s got a marble hard-on, a boner a cat couldn’t scratch.
He says, “Hon-ey! Why don’t you come over to daddy-poo and daddy make whoopee with mommy? Daddy loves mommy.”
She says, “All right.”
She gets out of her bed, and on her way over she trips over the rug in the middle.
The guy says, “Oh, poopsie, are you all right? Did my little babycakes hurt her toesie-woesies? Come to me, honeybunch.”
She gets in and he fucks her hard. They get done, she gets out of his bed, and on the way back she trips over the rug again.
He says, “You clumsy bitch.”
Mrs. Simpson is on her deathbed, and she says to her husband, “Will you ride with my mother on the way to the grave?”
He says, “All right, but it’s going to ruin my whole day.”
A little girl walks out of the bathroom, and her mother’s making a cake.
She says, “Mommy, can I lick the bowl?”
Her mother says, “Will you flush it like everyone else?”
It’s medieval times, and the coach of the queen of England and the coach of the queen of Spain approach each other on a narrow dirt road. It’s an impasse, and neither is prepared to yield the right of way.
The coach driver for the queen of England stands up proudly, and says, “Make way for the Lord Majesty, her Nobleness, the Queen of England, the ruler to the north, to the south, to the east, to the west, the ruler of the serfs, the peasants, the land barons and the servants, the ruler of the greatest kingdom in this or any other world. Make way for the queen of England. Make way for the queen.”
The coach driver for the queen of Spain stands up and says, “Hey, yo, what’ya think I got in here? A bag of shit?”
Cronin goes to see a psychiatrist.
He says, “Doc, I can’t seem to make friends. Can you help me, you fat slob?”
Two guys are walking down the street. The guy on the left is dragging his right leg, and the guy on the right is dragging his left leg.
The guy on the right says to the guy on the left, “What happened to you, man?”
He says, “Vietnam, 1969. What about you?”
He says, “Dog shit, about two blocks back.”
Two gay guys are taking a shower when the phone rings.
The first guy says, “I’ll get it, but don’t come, don’t come.”
He answers the phone, and when he comes back there’s sperm everywhere.
He says, “I told you not to come.”
The other guy says, “I didn’t come. I farted.”
I hope you enjoyed this section.
If you didn’t, I have a feeling you
came from a wad your mom
should have swallowed.
My Turn
in the Barrel
A group of English gentlemen are sitting around in the den of a London men’s club, and it’s a special gathering, because the oldest member, Colonel Rowlinson, is there.
One of the men says, “Colonel, why don’t you tell us a tale from one of your exploits?”
Colonel Rowlinson says, “Well, there was a time years ago when we were trekking through the Kenyan jungle. The fuzzy-tops were quite tired, what with carrying all the bundles as they cleared a path through the dense underbrush. We came to a clearing, so we sat to have a spot of tea and regain our strength, when suddenly, out of the foliage, leaps a nine-foot tiger. Rrrooaarrr! My God, I shit myself.”
One of the gentlemen says, “Well, Colonel, that’s
perfectly understandable, what with a huge tiger coming at you.”
The Colonel says, “Not then, you blithering idiot. Just now, when I went, ‘Rrrooaarr.’”
What would you call 3.1416 vaginas?
Hair pi.
Schick is walking down the boardwalk in Atlantic City, runs into a hooker, and he says, “How much?”
She says “Twenty bucks.”
He says, “All right.”
They climb down under the boardwalk, and he bangs her. The next night, he runs into the same hooker, they go under the boardwalk, only this time while he’s banging her, she blasts two incredible farts. When they get done, he hands her twenty-five dollars.
She says, “What’s the extra five?”
He says, “That’s for blowing the sand off my balls.”
What animal has an asshole in the middle of its back?
Prince Charles’s horse.
A big, fat farmer is walking down a dirt road in the rain with his big, fat wife when he suddenly gets horny. He pulls her down to the ground, lifts up her dress, and starts fucking her. After a minute, he says, “Elsie, is it in you, or is it in the mud?”
She says, “It’s in the mud.”
He reaches down and fiddles around a bit, and then he says, “Now is it in you, or is it in the mud?”
She says, “It’s in me.”
He says, “Put it back in the mud.”
A blind guy goes into a whorehouse. A girl takes him upstairs and starts giving him a blow job.
He says to her, “Excuse me, aren’t you Karen Snyder, and didn’t you go to Lincoln Park High in Detroit?”
She says, “Yes. How’d you know?”
He says, “I never forget a face.”
What would you call a lesbian with thick fingers?
Well-hung.
Marcela’s mother is constantly riding her about getting married.
Every day, her mother says, “You’re thirty-two, and you’ve never been married. You’re thirty-two, and you’ve never even been engaged. Never married, never engaged. You’ve gotta get married.”
She says, “Leave me alone, Ma, leave me alone.”
Her mother goes on and on, “You’ve gotta get married. You’ve gotta get married. You’ve gotta get married.”
She says, “Ma, leave me alone.”
One day she walks into the house, and she’s got rice in her hair.
Her mother says, “You did it! You finally got married!”
She says, “No. I was blowing a chink and he threw up on my head.”
What is the definition of making love?
That’s what a woman is doing while
a guy is fucking her.
Tarzan gets in a terrible fight with a ferocious lion, and loses an eye, an arm, and his dick. The animals of the jungle nurse Tarzan back to health. They give him the eye of a hawk, the arm of a gorilla, and for a pecker, they give him a baby elephant’s trunk.
After about a week. Cheetah comes up to Tarzan and says, “How Tarzan like new parts?”
Tarzan says, “Eye good. Tarzan see far, clear. Arm good. Long, strong. But Tarzan not crazy about new weenie. All day long, pick weeds, stuff up Tarzan’s ass.”
What’s the difference between a
white cow and a black cow?
A white cow goes, “Moo,” and a black
cow goes, “Moo out de way.”
A mother and her daughter are walking along the beach. The girl says, “Mom, do you think I’m old enough to start douching?”
Her mother says, “Why don’t you ask all the seagulls behind you?”
Why don’t black people become astronauts?
Because they don’t like to say
“Yes, NASA”, “No, NASA.”
A lady walks into her daughter’s room, and her daughter’s doing herself with her vibrator.
She says, “My God! What are you doing?”
Her daughter says, “Ma, I’m forty years old. I don’t even have a boyfriend. I’ll never get married, so this is my husband.”
A few minutes later, her father walks in, and she’s doing herself with the vibrator.
He says “My God! What are you doing?”
She says “Daddy, I’m forty years old. I don’t even have a boyfriend. I’ll never get married, so this is my husband.”
The next day, the mother and daughter go out shopping. When they get home, they walk into the kitchen, and there’s the father. He’s got a martini in one hand and he’s got the vibrator buzzing away in his ass.
Her mother says, “My God! What are you doing?”
He says, “I’m having a drink with my new son-in-law.”
A guy walks into a delicatessen and says, “Could I have a baloney?”
The counterman says, “You want me to slice it up?”
The guy says, “Does my fanny look like a piggy bank?”
The wife says, “Chris, you’re a sex maniac.”
He says, “Get out of this bed, and take your fucking sisters with you.”
Rosegarten goes to the doctor, and after the examination, the doctor says, “Well, my friend, you’ve got VD.”
Rosegarten says, “Well, Doc, I must have caught it from a toilet seat.”
The doctor says, “Well, then you must have been chewing on it. You’ve got it in your gums.”
A duck walks into a 7-11, waddles up to the counter, and says, “Have you got any grapes?”
The guy behind the counter says, “No,” and the duck leaves.
The next day the duck walks into the 7-11 and says, “Have you got any grapes?”
The guy says, “No!”, and the duck leaves.
The next day the duck walks into the 7-11 and says, “Have you got any grapes?”
The guy says, “Listen, Daffy, this is the third day in a row I’m telling you, we haven’t got any grapes. If you walk in here and ask me again, I’m gonna nail your stupid webbed feet to the floor.”
The next day the duck walks into the 7-11 and says, “Do you have any nails?”
The guy says, “No.”
The duck says, “Good. Have you got any grapes?”
What’s the best thing about a blow job?
Ten minutes of peace and quiet.
What’s the definition of a nice Greek boy?
A Greek boy who takes a girl out twice
before he fucks her brother.
What should you do if a woman tells you she
faked her orgasm?
Pretend you didn ’t hear her.
What does it mean when the flag at the
Post Office is flying at half mast?
They’re hiring.
What’s the difference between a rabbi and a priest?
A rabbi cuts it off, and a priest sucks it off.
Did you know at the amusement park in
San Francisco before you go into the tunnel
of love you have to dress up as a gerbil?
The firemen finally get a huge fire under control, and Chief Mattea has all of his men accounted for except Olson and Rosolino. After a few minutes’ search, the chief looks down an alley, and there’s Rosolino, leaning over a trash can. His pants are down to his ankles, and Olson is fucking him in the ass.
Chief Mattea says, “What the hell is going on?”
Olson says, “Rosolino passed out from smoke inhalation.”
The chief says, “Smoke inhalation? You’re supposed to give him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.”
Olson says, “I did, Chief. That’s how this shit got started.”
What’s the difference between a
homo and a hunting dog?
A hunting dog sics ducks.
Stellar walks into a bar and has seven beers. Then he looks around until he finds the prettiest girl in the bar. He walks up to her and says, “Do you want to fuck?”
She screams, “You pig,” smashes! him over the head with her purse, and knocks him across the bar with a bar stool.
He picks himself up, wa
lks to the bar, and has seven more beers. Then he walks up to her again, and says, “I guess a blow job is out of the question?”
I hope you enjoyed this section.
If you didn’t, why don’t you go
suck on a horse’s ass until its
head caves in?
The
Puckered
Starfish
What was Helen Keller’s worst day?
When she burned her mouth on a slice of pizza
and couldn’t taste anything, either.
Haberman comes before the judge.
The judge says, “Why are you here?”
Haberman says, “I beat my wife to death with a golf club.”
The judge says, “How many strokes did it take you?”
Did you hear about the guy who had a
wet dream and fell asleep before he was through?
Did you hear about Adolph, the
brown-nosed reindeer?
He could run as fast as Rudolph,
he just couldn’t stop as fast.
How do you say constipated in German?
“Farfrumpoopen.”
Einziger says to Reiber, “What part of a girl is her yet?”
Reiber says, “I don’t know. Why?”
Einziger says, “It says in the paper that a girl was shot in Brooklyn yesterday and they haven’t been able to get the bullet out of her yet.”
Frawley and Fotré are in a bar arguing about who’s got the biggest dick. The bartender says, “Look, there’s nobody else in here. Take ’em out and put ’em on the bar, and we’ll see once and for all who’s got the biggest dick.”
They agree, and they’re just taking them out and putting them on the bar when another guy walks in.
The bartender says, “Can I get you a drink?”
The guy says, “No, I’ll just help myself to the buffet.”
What’s sixty-eight?
Blow me and I’ll owe you one.
A hillbilly kid walks into a Nashville whorehouse and says, “I want a woman, but I’ve always been scared, because my momma told me a woman has teeth between her legs.”
Disgustingly Dirty Joke Book Page 6