Disgustingly Dirty Joke Book

by Jackie Martling

  The whore says, “Don’t be silly. I’ll take care of you.”

  She brings him up to a room, gets undressed, lies on the bed, spreads her legs, and says, “See? No teeth.”

  The kid says, “How the hell could you have teeth down there? Look at the shape your gums are in.”

  Why don’t Arabs circumcise their camels?

  So they have a place to put their gum in a sandstorm.

  Did you hear about the Polish gangster?

  His career is managed by three black singers.

  What do fat women do in the summer?

  Stink.

  Borders picks up a hitchhiker, and before he takes off, the hitchhiker pulls out a gun and tells him to jerk off. So he does. Then the hitchhiker tells him to do it again. So he does it again. No sooner does he finish the second time, the hitchhiker tells him to do it one more time. After pumping and pumping and pumping, he finally finishes the third time. Then the hitchhiker gets out of the car and a pretty girl gets in.

  The hitchhiker says to Borders, “Now will you do me a favor and give my sister a ride to the next town?”

  Why are Jewish children so obnoxious?

  Heredity.

  One night, Pinocchio’s girlfriend says to him, “This stinks. Every time we make love I get splinters.”

  So Pinocchio goes to Gepetto to ask his advice.

  Gepetto says, “Sandpaper, my boy, that’s all you need.”

  A few days later Gepetto runs into Pinocchio and says, “So how are you doing with the girls now?”

  Pinocchio says, “Who needs girls?”

  Bleiweiss dies, and goes to hell.

  The devil tells him, “You have your pick of three different rooms. Follow me.”

  They go to the first room, the devil opens the door, and everyone is treading water in piss. They go to the second room, the devil opens the door, and everyone is up to their necks in shit. They go to the third room, the devil opens the door, and everyone is sitting in chairs, drinking coffee, with diarrhea pooled up to their knees.

  Bleiweiss says to the devil, “I’ll definitely take the third room.”

  He goes into the third room, gets a cup of coffee, and before he gets a chance to sit down, the devil yells, “All right, on your heads, coffee break’s over.”

  Why do Sumo wrestlers shave their legs?

  So nobody will mistake them for lesbians.

  What goes peck, peck, bang!?

  A chicken in a minefield.

  Newman walks into a whorehouse and says to the madam, “I want something really raunchy. That’s the kind of mood I’m in.”

  The madam smiles and says, “I have just the girl for you. Rebel Rosie. She’s had every dick in Dixie. She can suck the chrome off a trailer hitch. Go up to the first room on the right, and I’ll send her up right away.”

  Newman says, “Thanks. Oh, and could you have her bring a couple of bottles of beer, too?”

  The madam says, “Sure.”

  Newman goes up to the room and waits. A few minutes later, in walks Rosie, and is she a beast. Her face could knock a bulldog off a meat wagon. She puts the beers on the dresser, takes off all her clothes, and gets down on the floor on all fours.

  Newman says, “No, no, Rosie, get in the bed, I just want to do it regular style.”

  Rosie says, “Okay. I just thought you might want to open the beers first.”

  Why was the cheerleader black and blue from gonorrhea?

  Because she gave it to one of the football players.

  What do you find in a clean nose?

  Fingerprints.

  Did you hear about “The Divorce Barbie”?

  It comes with all of Ken’s shit.

  A lady says to her husband, “Howard, I want breast implants.”

  He says, “We can’t afford it. Go grab a wad of toilet paper and rub it up and down between your tits.”

  She says, “Will it make them bigger?”

  He says, “It worked on your ass.”

  I hope you enjoyed this section.

  If you didn’t, why don’t you go shit

  and fall back in it?

  A Feather in

  My Crap

  Charlie picks up a woman in a bar. They get in his car, and they’re going down a dirt road to lover’s lane, when he gets a flat tire. He looks in the trunk, and his spare is flat, too. He figures, what the hell, he’s gonna get a little bit. So they get in the back seat, and he’s just getting off her blouse and her bra, when another car pulls up.

  He gets out, and the other guy says, “Can I help you?”

  Charlie says, “You sure can. I’ll tell you what … if you’ll let me use your car to go get my spare fixed, you can pork the babe in the back seat while I’m gone.”

  The guy says, “You’re on.”

  The guy gives him the keys, Charlie puts his spare tire in the guy’s trunk, and takes off. The guy gets in the back seat, hops on the girl, and they’re just about to go to it when a police car pulls up.

  A cop walks over, shines the flashlight into the back seat, and says, “What are you doing, Mac?”

  The guy says, “I’m just about to bang my wife, officer.”

  The cop says, “I’m sorry, pal, I didn’t realize it was your wife.”

  The guy says, “Neither did I, ’til you shined your flashlight on her.”

  What happens if a girl doesn’t

  wear undies in the winter?

  She gets chapped lips.

  A snotty rich lady goes in to see a doctor and she says, “Doctor, I am very wealthy, and I have always had anything I’ve wanted. But I’ve never, ever experienced what it’s like to be pregnant. I would like you to perform some kind of procedure on me, so I may see what it’s like to be pregnant.”

  He says, “All right, lady.”

  He takes her into the examination room, works on her a while, and then she leaves.

  A couple of hours later she calls up, and she says, “Doctor, it has been hours, and I do not yet feel pregnant.”

  He says, “You will in a few days, lady. I stitched your ass shut.”

  Schirripa is drowning. The lifeguard swims out, drags him in, puts him on the edge of the shore, and starts pumping his arms. Water starts spurting out of Schirripa’s mouth. The lifeguard keeps pumping his arms, and out comes fish … and clams … and seaweed …

  Gange comes walking along and says, “Hey, you better get his asshole out of the water, you’re gonna empty the ocean.”

  Rydzewski meets a girl in a bar, they get in his car, and she sucks his cock for hours. About two o’clock in the morning, he pulls into the driveway, reaches in his glove compartment, takes out a resin bag, and rubs it on his hands. He walks in the house, and his wife’s standing there waiting for him.

  She says, “Where have you been?”

  He says, “I was out getting my dick sucked all night.”

  She grabs his hands and looks at them and says, “Look at the resin on your hands, you lying son-of-a-bitch. You were bowling.”

  What’s the difference between a drunk

  and an alcoholic?

  A drunk doesn’t have to go to those

  stupid meetings.

  Oprah goes to the doctor with a sore throat, and he says, “Take off all of your clothes, lie on your back on my table, and spread your legs as wide as you can.”

  She says, “How will that help my sore throat?”

  He says, “It won’t, but I want to see how my house will look painted black with pink shutters.”

  Hennessey is the town drunk, but they feel sorry for him, so they give him a job at the morgue checking on the bodies. One night he starts on the Jack Daniels early. As he’s going along, checking the bodies, he pulls out a tray, the body is upside-down, and its sphincter starts wailing, “My wild Irish rose …”

  He can’t believe it. He pushes the drawer in, pulls it out again, and it starts again, “My wild Irish rose …”

  He shuts the drawer, and calls his boss
, the coroner.

  He slobbers, “Boss, you’ve got to be coming over, it’s to be something you won’t be able to believe.”

  The coroner, very annoyed, comes down to the morgue. Hennessey leads him to the drawer, pulls it out, and sure enough, the sphincter starts, “My wild Irish rose …”

  The coroner turns to Hennessey and says, “Do you mean to tell me that you got me out of bed at four o’clock in the morning just to hear some asshole sing ‘My Wild Irish Rose’?”

  Why did the Mexican put ice cubes up his nose?

  To keep his lunch cold.

  Why do women fake orgasms?

  Because they think we care.

  A lady catches her kid jerking off.

  She says, “Son, don’t do that. Save it ’til you’re twenty-one.”

  By the time he was twenty-one, he had nine jars.

  Why did the gay guy stop having anal sex

  with his lifemate?

  Every night it was the same shit.

  Dixon and Woods are sitting at the bar, and Dixon says, “My marriage sucks. When I walk in that door, I want that house clean, I want my dinner on the table, and when I’m done eating, I want her to suck my dick, and then it’s see you later.”

  Woods says, “Why’s she gotta know your schedule?”

  What would you call an open can of tuna fish

  in a lesbian’s apartment?

  Potpourri.

  Seefranz is getting married on Saturday. Friday night, his friends take him out and get him waylaid, bylaid, rolaid, mislaid, up, down, up, bing! bang! boom!, and forget it, his pecker is a mangled mess. He doesn’t know what to do. He takes two popsicle sticks, puts them alongside his dick, and wraps it with adhesive tape. The next day he gets married, and here they are in their honeymoon suite.

  She walks out stark naked, and says, “Look, honey. Untouched by human hands.”

  He’s gotta think quick … he pulls down his pants and says, “Look! Hah! Not even out of the crate.”

  An Irish girl comes home from college, and she says, “Mother, I’ve got me a case of VD.”

  Her mother says, “Put it in the cellar, your old man’ll drink anything.”

  What’s the white stuff you find in the

  bottom of girls’ undies?

  Clitty litter.

  What would you call a Polish guy who works at

  the Post Office?

  Overqualified.

  A businessman is going on a long trip and he has to take his secretary, who’s really got the hots for him. The first night on the train, she’s in the top bunk and he’s in the bottom bunk.

  She says, “Mr. Sirota! Mr. Sirota! I’m cold! I think I need a blanket!”

  He says, “Miss Tobin, how’d you like to pretend you’re Mrs. Sirota for a little while?”

  She says, “Oh, I’d like that.”

  He says, “Then get your own fucking blanket.”

  Polish car pool?

  They meet at work.

  Mullin is talking to Martling when an ambulance goes by and drowns out their conversation.

  After it’s passed, Mullin says, “Martling, I hate that sound. I hate the sound of an ambulance. My first wife ran away with an ambulance driver, and every time I hear a siren, I get the shakes thinking he might be bringing her back.”

  An Englishman comes home early from work and finds his wife on the living room floor with two strange guys. She’s blowing one guy and the other guy is fucking her from behind.

  The husband says, “’Ello, ’ello.”

  She says, “So you’re not speakin’ to me, then?”

  Two midgets go into an Alaskan convent.

  The first midget goes up to the Mother Superior and says, “Hey, lady, you got any midget nuns here?”

  She says, “Midget nuns? No.”

  He says to the other midget, “I told you you fucked a penguin.”

  How can you tell if a girl’s been on a wild date?

  She tosses her panties and they stick to the ceiling.

  Why do Jewish guys die before their wives?

  They want to.

  Why can’t Avon ladies walk fast?

  Their lipstick.

  I hope you enjoyed this section.

  If you didn’t, please remember

  I perform at weddings, if your

  parents ever want to get married.

  Name

  That Tuna

  A couple is driving down the highway when a cop pulls them over.

  The cop walks up and says, “You were doing eighty-five in a fifty-five.”

  The guy says, “You know, officer, I was doing sixty the whole time, and then the last few minutes, I guess I was just keeping up with traffic and I wasn’t watching …”

  His wife says, “That’s not true. You were doing eighty-five or ninety the whole time.”

  He turns to her and says, “Shut the fuck up.”

  The cop says, “And I notice you haven’t got your seat belt buckled.”

  He says, “Well, officer, I did have it buckled, but then I had to undo it to get my wallet out to show you my license.”

  His wife says, “That’s not true. You haven’t had it on the whole time.”

  He turns to her and says, “What the fuck is wrong with you? Shut up!”

  The cop walks around to the wife’s side, motions for her to roll down the window, and he says, “Does he always talk to you like that?”

  She says, “Only when he’s drunk.”

  What’s seventy-one?

  When you’re sixty-nine’ing and you stick a

  finger in each other’s asshole.

  Here we are, out in the country, and Maw walks in and says, “Jethro, get out there and fix that there outhouse.”

  He says, “All right, Maw.”

  He walks out to the outhouse, looks at it, and says, “Maw, there ain’t nothin’ wrong with this here outhouse.”

  She says, “Put your head down in the hole.”

  He puts his head down in the hole and he says, “Maw, there ain’t nothin’ wrong with this here outhouse.”

  He goes to lift up his head and he says, “Oww! Oww! Maw! Maw, my beard’s stuck!”

  She says, “It’s aggravatin’, ain’t it?”

  A Jewish girl comes home and says, “Ma, I got married.”

  Her mother says, “Oy, that’s great.”

  She says, “But, Ma, he’s an Arab.”

  Her mother says, “Oy, that’s not so great.”

  She says, “But, Ma, he’s an Arab sheik. He’s wealthy beyond your wildest dreams. You and Daddy are going to live in the lap of luxury for the rest of your lives.”

  Six months later, she walks in the house and says, “Ma, I love my Arab sheik, but my God, all he wants to do is boff me in my ass. Day and night, that’s all he’ll do is bang me in my ass. When I got married, my asshole was the size of a dime … now, it’s the size of a silver dollar.”

  Her mother says, “So for ninety cents you’re going to make trouble?”

  Why should you never drink diet soda

  during oral sex?

  Because then you’ll have two aftertastes

  to get rid of.

  Bloch and DeVino are sitting at a bar when Bloch pulls down his zipper and starts pissing into a beer bottle.

  DeVino says, “What are you doing?”

  Bloch says, “This shit’s so good I’m gonna drink it again.”

  Freismuth stumbles into a bar.

  The bartender says, “Get the hell out of here. You’re too drunk to be in here.”

  Freismuth says, “If I’m so drunk, how come I can see that one-eyed cat walkin’ in here?”

  The bartender says, “That cat’s leaving.”

  Tinker calls home and says, “Honey, I won the lottery. Start packing.”

  She says, “Should I pack for the beach or to go skiing?”

  He says, “I don’t care where you go. Just get the fuck out.”

  Jeni moves into a new neig
hborhood. The first day in his new house, he walks out on the sidewalk, and he sees the couple across the street through their picture window. The lady has the lawn mower in the living room, and she’s mowing the carpet. Her husband has his hand in the goldfish bowl and he’s giving her the finger. Jeni runs next door to the Mulrooneys’, and he’s freaking out as he describes the scene to his new neighbor.

  Mulrooney says, “Oh, that’s no big deal. They’re deaf mutes. She’s telling him, ‘You better mow the lawn on Saturday,’ and he’s saying, ‘Fuck you, I’m going fishing’.”

  Giuseppi walks into work, and he says, “Ey, Tony! You know who’s-a George Washington?”

  Tony says, “No, Giuseppi, who’s-a George Washington?”

  He says, “Hah! George-a Washington’s the first-a President of-a United States. I’m-a go to night school, learn all about-a United States, and become-a U.S.-a citizen.”

  A couple of days later, Giuseppi walks into work and says, “Ey, Tony, you know who’s-a Abraham Lincoln?”

  Tony says, “No, Giuseppi, who’s-a Abraham Lincoln?”

  He says, “Hah! Abraham-a Lincoln is-a sixteenth President of-a the United States. I’m-a go to night school, learn all about-a United States, and become-a U.S.-a citizen.”

  A guy in the back of the shop yells, “Yo, Giuseppi … you know who Fishlips Lorenzo is?”

  He says, “No. Who’s-a Fishlips Lorenzo?”

  The guy yells, “That’s the guy who’s bangin’ your wife while you’re in night school.”

  How do you get a nun pregnant?

  Dress her up as an altar boy.

  There was an old woman that lived in a shoe,

  She had so many children her cunt fell off.

  The Polish cowboy, Gene Autrowski, is in the saloon getting drunk, so his friends decide to play a trick on him. They turn his horse around, and then they turn his saddle around, so he won’t know.

  The next morning, his wife kicks him, and says, “Time to get up, Autrowski. Time to get up and get out on the trail.”