He says, “I can’t get up. I’m beat, I’m whipped, I’m bushed.”
She says, “Get up, you lazy bum. You’ve been drunk for six weeks. Get up and get out on the trail.”
He says, “I can’t get up. I’m beat, I’m whipped, I’m bushed. Last night was different. Some son-of-a-bitch cut my horse’s head off. I had to lead him home with my finger in his windpipe.”
Caramico is really drunk and he hails a taxi.
He says to the driver, “Hey, cabbie, have you got room in the front seat for a case of beer and a few burgers?”
The cabbie says, “Sure.”
He goes, “Bllchh!”
When does a married guy know he’s
jerking off too much?
When he fucks his wife and feels like
he’s cheating on himself.
Why can’t the blacks mug the Jews on Yom Kippur?
Dey fast.
Why did the divorced guy keep a picture of his
ex-wife on top of his TV?
To remind him where his VCR went.
How do we know God is a man?
Because if God was a woman, sperm
would taste like chocolate.
Why did the feminist cross the road?
To suck my fucking dick.
What two things do you need to know to be a plumber?
Shit doesn’t flow uphill, and don’t bite your fingernails.
A huge guy marries a tiny girl, and at the wedding, one of his friends says to him, “How the hell do the two of you have sex?”
The big guy says, “I just sit there, naked, on a chair, she sits on top, and I bob her up and down.”
His friend says, “You know, that don’t sound too bad.”
The big guy says, “Well, it’s kind of like jerking off, only I got somebody to talk to.”
What do a toilet, a clitoris, and an
anniversary have in common?
Men miss them all.
I hope you enjoyed this section.
If you didn’t, go take a flying fuck
at a rolling doughnut.
Hot
Dogs and
Donuts
The director of the CIA is testing three new agents, ages twenty-five, thirty-five, and forty-five. He puts each of their wives in one of three rooms.
He hands the twenty-five-year-old a revolver and says, “Go into the room and kill your wife.”
The twenty-five-year-old says, “I can’t do it. I love her too much.”
The director hands the gun to the thirty-five-year-old and says, “Go into the room and kill your wife.”
The thirty-five-year-old goes into the room, comes out after five minutes, and says, “I can’t do it.”
The director hands the gun to the forty-five-year-old and says, “Go into the room and kill your wife.”
The forty-five-year-old goes into the room. Three shots ring out, and then there’s the sound of scuffling and fighting. The director runs into the room and sees the wife dead on the floor.
He says, “What happened?”
The forty-five-year-old says, “Some asshole put blanks in the gun, so I had to choke her to death.”
How does a Mexican know when it’s time to eat?
His asshole stops burning.
What’s a hump?
A hump is a noun meaning the thing on a camel’s back,
unless the thing is another camel, in which case it
becomes a verb.
Hutchinson is on a plane next to a pretty woman and he asks her what she’s reading.
She says, “A book on sexual statistics. It says on the average, the American Indian has the longest penis and Polish men have the thickest penis. By the way, I’m Nancy Sirianni. Who are you?”
He says, “Tonto Kowalski.”
What would you call a black electrical technician?
Ohm boy.
A girl goes up to a Jewish guy in a bar and says, “I’ll do anything you want for two hundred dollars.”
He says, “Paint my house.”
A young repair man is working on a middle-aged divorcée’s refrigerator. He’s wearing a sleeveless T-shirt, he’s got rippling muscles, and she can’t take her eyes off of him. He starts sweating, and it’s driving her crazy. She walks up behind him and starts rubbing his neck and his back. She starts grinding against him a little bit, and soon enough she’s hugging him. Next thing you know they’re making out, their clothes come off, and he starts fucking her up against the wall. When they get done, he backs up and wipes his forehead.
He looks over, and she’s still standing there, wiggling and writhing and moaning, going “Ohh! Unhh!”
He says, “What’s the matter, lady? Ain’t you had enough? Ain’t I any good?”
She says, “You were fine. Now will you please help me get this doorknob out of my ass?”
Did you hear about the Polish girl who
dropped her gum in the toilet?
She chewed the shit out of it.
A Jewish child molester …
“Hey, kid … wanna buy some candy?”
Abelson’s got a big pimple in the middle of his forehead. A big, huge pimple, and it won’t go away. A big pimple, right in the middle of his forehead. He goes to the doctor.
The doctor examines him and says, “My God, my friend, you’ve got a penis growing out of the middle of your forehead.”
Abelson says, “Oh, no, Doc. What can you do?” The doctor says, “Don’t worry. Once it’s fully grown, I can remove it completely.”
Abelson says, “What do you mean, fully grown? Doc, I can’t spend years and years staring at that thing, waiting for it to grow.”
The doctor says, “Well, you won’t have to stare at it for long. Pretty soon, the balls will cover your eyes.”
A very naive British sailor is in a bar in London, meets a very wild girl, and she takes him upstairs. She takes off her pants and her panties.
He looks between her legs, and he says, “What’s that?”
She says, “It’s me lower mouth.”
He says, “What do you mean, your lower mouth?”
She says, “Just what I said, it’s me lower mouth. It’s got a mustache … it’s got lips.”
He says, “’as it got a tongue in it?”
She says, “Not always.”
Two gay guys live together, and the first guy says, “Let’s play hide and seek. I’ll hide, and if you find me, I’ll blow you.”
The second guy says, “What if I can’t find you?”
He says, “I’ll be behind the piano.”
A girl goes to the gynecologist and he examines her.
He says, “You have acute vaginitis.”
She says, “Thank you.”
A cop stops his patrol car when he sees a couple sitting on the curb. The guy is laying on his stomach with his pants pulled down, and the girl has her finger in his asshole, and she’s reaming away with a vengeance.
The cop says, “What the hell is going on?”
The girl says, “This is my date. When I told him I wouldn’t spend the night with him, he started pounding down the booze. Now, he’s too drunk to drive me home, so I’m trying to sober him up by making him puke.”
The cop says, “That’s not gonna make him puke.”
She says, “Yeah? Wait’ll I switch this finger to his mouth.”
Why did the Polish girl stop wearing her training bra?
The wheels were irritating her armpits.
Why do black women have such big purses?
To carry their lipstick.
A lady says to her friend, “You know, I think Larry’s lost all interest in our lovemaking.”
Her friend says, “Do you follow any kind of a ritual?”
She says, “Yeah. Every night I put on this nightgown that’s got a low front and a high back. He used to go crazy when he saw me in it.”
Her friend says, “Well, why don’t you mix it up a little bit? Try putting it on backward ton
ight. Then it’ll have a low back and a high front. Maybe it’ll catch his eye.”
That night, she goes into the bathroom and puts her nightgown on backward.
Then she walks into the bedroom, spins around, and says, “Honey, do you notice anything different?”
He says, “Yeah. Tonight the skid marks are in the front of that fucking nightgown.”
Why do girls fart after they pee?
They can’t shake it so they blow it dry.
Michael Jackson and the doctor are walking out of the delivery room after his wife gives birth to their son.
Michael says, “How long before we can have sex?”
The doctor says, “At least wait until he’s walking.”
Why are divorces so expensive?
Because they’re worth it.
Why don’t Jews wear penny loafers?
Because they’d get stiff necks from looking
down to see if the pennies were still there.
You know you’re getting old when the only time
you want it twice is before you’ve had it once.
Meganck goes to a lady dentist and she’s pregnant.
He says, “Congratulations.”
She says, “Thank you. It’s a boy.”
He says, “Oh, you had a sonogram to find out the sex of your baby?”
She says, “No, I used the little metal thing with the mirror on the end, and I had a look.”
There’s nothing quite like going home at two
with a ten and waking up at ten with a two.
Cirella goes to the doctor, and he says, “Doc, you gotta help me. I eat apples, apples come out. I eat bananas, bananas come out.”
The doctor says, “It’s easy. Eat shit.”
Why do bald men cut holes in their pockets?
So they can run their fingers through their hair.
Farmer Petrovich is whipping and slapping his horse when the local minister comes over.
The minister says, “My, Farmer Petrovich, you’re certainly giving that animal a beating. You wouldn’t do that to your wife, would you?”
The farmer says, “I would if she farted and jumped sideways every time I tried to mount her.”
The first hen says, “I sell my eggs for fifty cents a dozen.”
The second one says, “Well, my eggs are bigger, and I sell them for fifty-five cents a dozen.”
The first one says, “So I should bust my ass for a nickel?”
Why do Jews wear yarmulkes?
Because those little propellers are extra.
Ruggles is marooned on a desert island for fourteen years, and then he’s finally rescued. They take him to shore, and ask him what he’d like.
He says, “You know what I’d like.”
They take him to a brothel, he goes upstairs with a girl, they go in a room and they both get undressed. He proceeds to put on a prophylactic, puts cotton in each ear, and finally, puts a clothespin on his nose.
The girl says, “What the hell are you doing?”
He says, “If there’s two things in this world that I hate, it’s the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber.”
What’s grosser than your grandfather getting a boner when
you’re sitting on his lap?
Your grandmother lifting her dress up and saying, “Come
on, kids, we’re eating out tonight.”
Jerkowicz and Snowden are on a camel, traveling through the desert, dying of thirst, and finally come to an oasis. Jerkowicz and Snowden drink up and get refreshed, but the camel refuses to take a drink.
Jerkowicz says, “I’ve got an idea. You hold the camel’s head under water, and I’ll suck on his asshole and try to draw some water up into his mouth.”
Snowden dunks the camel’s head under the water and Jerkowicz starts sucking like mad on his asshole.
After a few minutes, Jerkowicz yells, “Raise his head a little. All I’m getting is mud from the bottom.”
How can you tell if an Iranian woman is going steady?
Her boyfriend’s initials are carved in the hair on her back.
Little Red Riding Hood’s walking along in the woods when the Big, Bad Wolf jumps out and says, “Grrr … I’m going to fuck you.”
She says, “Bullshit you’re gonna fuck me. You’re gonna stick to the script, and you’re gonna eat me, you hairy bastard. You mangy fucking mongrel, get down there and eat my pussy.”
Why does the bride smile walking down the aisle?
Because she knows she’s sucked her last cock.
What’s the best cure for constipation?
Sit on a block of cheese and swallow a mouse.
Christiano is in bed with a girl and no matter what he does, he just can’t seem to get it up.
She says, “Come on, will you? Do something.”
He says, “Like what?”
She says, “Put your foot in.”
He sticks his foot in, and she has a merry old time riding it. A few days later, his foot is swelling up and it’s starting to itch, so he goes to the doctor to have it looked at.
The doctor says calmly, “Well, my friend, it seems you have syphilis of the big toe.”
Christiano says, “Syphilis of the big toe? Jeez, Doc, I bet that’s pretty rare.”
The doctor says, “Yeah, it’s pretty rare. Of course, it’s not as rare as the girl who was in here this morning with athlete’s cunt.”
How about the Polish guy who was jerking off in a restaurant
because the sign said, “First Come, First Served”?
The Clintons go on a camping trip for their twentieth anniversary.
Mrs. Clinton says, “I gotta take a whizz.”
Her husband says, “Well, let’s go down to the water.”
They go down to a small cliff at the edge of the lake and she hangs her ass over.
Mrs. Clinton says, “Honey, I think I’ll pee into that canoe down there.”
Her husband looks down and says, “That’s no canoe. That’s your reflection.”
What would you call a guy with no arms,
no legs, and a twelve-inch dick?
Partially handicapped.
I hope you enjoyed this section.
If you didn’t, I’d bet your mom’s
pussy is so dry her crabs ride
around in dune buggies.
Sgt. Pecker
A guy from the deep South comes to New York and he’s amazed by the indoor plumbing. He’s so intrigued by the way the toilets work that he goes to the sewage disposal plant to check it out. One of the inspectors shows him to the conveyor belt that carries all the bowel movements.
As the piles of shit parade by them, the inspector says, “You can tell by inspection who the assorted feces belong to. See that one? I’m sure it’s the turd of a Mexican. See the pieces of taco shell, and the tomato seeds? And this next one is obviously the turd of a Chinaman or a Jap … see the fish eyes and the rice in it? And this next one is surely from a queer.”
The hick says, “How can you tell?”
The inspector says, “It’s dented on one end.”
Two missionaries in Africa get caught by a very hostile tribe of cannibals. The cannibals put them in a big pot of water, build a huge fire under it, and leave them there. A few minutes later, one of the missionaries starts to laugh uncontrollably. The other missionary can’t believe it.
He says, “What’s wrong with you? We’re being boiled alive, and they’re gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?”
The other missionary says, “I just shit in the soup.”
What do the gerbils say when the homos
walk into the pet store?
“Art, arf …”
Langon is hired to play his trumpet on the score of a movie, and he’s excited. He’s especially thrilled because he gets to take two long solos. After the sessions, which go great, Langon can’t wait to see the finished product. He asks the producer where and when he can
catch the film. A little embarrassed, the producer explains that the music is for a porno flick that will be out in a month, and he tells Langon where he can go to see it.
A month later, Langon puts his collar up, puts on dark glasses, and goes to the theater where the picture is playing. He walks in and sits way in the back, next to an elderly couple who also seem to be disguised and hiding.
The movie starts, and it’s the filthiest, most perverse porno flick ever.
Group sex, S&M, golden showers … and then, halfway through, a dog gets in on the action. Before anyone can blink an eye, the dog has done all the women in every orifice, and most of the men.
Langon is incredibly embarrassed, and he turns to the old couple and whispers, “I’m only here for the music.”
The woman turns to Langon and whispers back, “We’re here to see our dog.”
Harry says to Vinnie, “I sure would like some sex. Thank God I’ve got some money.”
Vinnie says, “I want some, too, but I’ll have to go home and get the fifty bucks I lent my wife last week.”
Harry says, “What makes you think she’ll still have the fifty?”
Vinnie says, “She doesn’t drink, and she has her own pussy.”
Shire comes home from work and says to his wife, “This is the third night this week I’ve come home from work and there’s no dinner on the table. The third night this week there’s no dinner on the table.”
His wife says, “Oh yeah? Well, we’ve got four kids. I get ’em up, I dress ’em, I feed ’em breakfast, I get ’em off to school. I do the washing, the cleaning, the ironing, the shopping. I haven’t got time to wipe my ass.”
He says, “That’s another thing I want to talk to you about.”
Hoagland walks into his house, goes up into his bedroom, and finds his best friend banging his wife.
He freaks out, and says, “Mark, how the hell could you do this? You’re supposed to be my friend. And in my own house. Fucking my … Jesus Christ, you two, you could at least stop while I’m talking to you.”
Disgustingly Dirty Joke Book Page 8