Melendez walks in to a bar, and says “G-g-gimme a b-b-beer.”
The bartender says, “Seems you’ve got a stuttering problem.”
Melendez says, “N-n-no sh-sh-shit.”
The bartender says, “I used to stutter, but my wife cured me. She sucked me off three times in a row, and I haven’t stuttered since.”
Melendez says, “W-w-wow, th-th-that’s great to kn-kn-know …”
A week later, Melendez walks in to the bar, and says, “G-g-gimme a b-b-beer.”
The bartender says, “Why didn’t you try what I told you?”
Melendez says, “I d-d-did. It d-d-didn’t w-w-work. B-b-but I m-m-must say, you have a r-r-really nice apartment.”
Why is a sheep better than a woman?
Because a sheep doesn’t care if you fuck her sister.
Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth decide to have a popularity contest, so Dolly goes over to England. She walks out on stage, takes off her blouse and her bra, and starts flapping her tits from side to side.
The crowd goes, “We love you, Dolly! We love you!”
Queen Elizabeth walks out on stage, sits in a chair, and douches herself.
The crowd goes, “Yuk! You pig!”
The head judge stands up and says, “Queen Elizabeth wins.”
Dolly says, “What do you mean, Queen Elizabeth wins?”
He says, “Royal flush beats two of a kind.”
Did you hear about the guy who’s half
Polish and half Mexican?
He made a run for the border and forgot
where he was going.
A Polish guy calls a girl for a date.
She says, “But Stosh, I’ve got a rag on.”
He says, “I’m not that dressed up myself.”
How is a condom like a wife?
They spend too much time in your wallet,
and not enough time on your dick.
Rush and Schultz are sitting at the bar when a very pretty girl walks in.
Rush says, “I’d have to give her a nine.”
Schultz says, “One.”
Another girl, even nicer, walks in.
Rush says, “Whoa … nine-five.”
Schultz says, “Maybe a two.”
Rush says, “Wait one fucking minute. Those two girls are gorgeous. All you’d give them on a scale from one to ten is a one or a two?”
Schultz says, “I don’t use that stupid one-to-ten scale. I use the Budweiser system.”
Rush says, “The Budweiser system? What’s that?”
Schultz says, “That’s how many Clydesdales it would take to rip her off my face.”
What would you call shock absorbers
in a compact car?
Passengers.
The Polish maid lets out a piercing shriek and the lady of the house comes running into the bedroom. There’s a used prophylactic in the bed.
The lady says, “Mrs. Hornaski, don’t you have those in Poland?”
The maid says, “Yeah, but we don’t skin them.”
Why did the Polish proctologist use two fingers?
He wanted to get a second opinion.
A black kid from Bedford-Stuyvesant gets accepted to Harvard. His first day on campus he’s walking around kind of lost.
He goes up to another student and says, “Yo, man, where de library at?”
The other student says, “Excuse me? Here at Harvard, we don’t end a sentence with a preposition.”
The black kid says, “Okay. Then where de library at, motherfucker?”
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
“Gaghgh.”
Dell’ Abate goes to buy a train ticket, and the girl selling tickets has an incredible set of jugs.
He says, “Give me two pickets to Titsburgh … umm … I mean, two tickets to Pittsburgh.”
He’s really embarrassed.
The guy in line behind him says, “Relax, pal, we all make Freudian slips like that. Just the other day at the breakfast table I meant to say to my wife, ‘Please pass the sugar.’ but I , accidentally said, ‘You fucking bitch, you wrecked my life.’”
Did you hear about the hippie who ate
ten prunes with his LSD?
He figured this was one trip he’d
know where he was going.
The three stages of what a married couple does in bed:
For the first year, it’s fuck watching TV.
For the next five years, it’s fuck and watch TV.
And after that, it’s watch fucking TV.
How about the Polish guy who thought his wife liked to get fucked in the ear because every time he went to stick his dick in her mouth, she turned her head?
What’s the surest sign a man is in love?
When he divorces his wife.
A salesman knocks on Farmer Gossman’s door, and when he gets no answer, he walks around the back of the house. There’s Farmer Gossman, with a cow’s tail lifted up, planting a huge wet kiss on the cow’s asshole.
The salesman says, “Man, are you queer or what?”
Farmer Gossman says, “No. I’ve got chapped lips, and it keeps me from lickin’ em.”
Why are all the blacks moving to Detroit?
Because they heard there are no jobs there.
Messina meets a native girl in Hawaii, and they go out in the bushes to fool around. They’re just getting down to it when she stands up, starts dancing, and then starts to take a leak.
He says, “What are you doing?”
She says, “It’s just the rain of the islands.”
They get back to it, they’re going hot and heavy, when she suddenly stands up, starts dancing again, and then lets out a whopping fart.
Messina says, “Now what’s going on?”
She says, “It’s just the wind of the islands.”
He gets up and walks away.
She yells, “Where are you going?”
He says, “I can’t fuck in this climate.”
How did the gynecologist know his patient was horny?
He read her lips.
Remember … if it smells like fish, it’s a dish.
If it smells like cologne, leave it alone.
Irish goes into a bar and she says, “Bartender, give me a triple Jack Daniels.”
He gives her a triple Jack Daniels, and she belts it down. She has five more in a row, belts them all down, passes out dead drunk, and everybody in the bar fucks her.
The next night, she walks into the bar, and says, “Bartender, give me a triple Jack Daniels.”
He gives her a triple Jack Daniels, and she belts it down. She has five more in a row, belts them all down, passes out dead drunk, and everybody in the bar fucks her again.
The next night, she walks into the bar and says, “Bartender, give me a triple Tequila.”
He says, “I thought you drank Jack Daniels.”
She says, “Not any more. Jack Daniels makes my pussy sore.”
A Jew gets mugged.
The crook says, “Give me your money or I’ll cut your balls off.”
The Jew says “Can I have a minute to think it over?”
Sloman gets in a big barroom brawl and his jaw gets smashed up so badly that they have to wire it shut. So for a few weeks he has to be fed through his butt.
After a couple days, he mumbles through his wired-up jaw to the nurse, “Nurse, I can’t stand it. I gotta have a cup of coffee. I gotta have a cup of coffee.”
So the nurse gets a tube, sticks it up his ass, puts a funnel in the tube, and pours in the coffee.
Sloman starts waggling around, going “Unh! Unh!”
She says, “Is it too hot?”
He says, “No! It’s too sweet!”
Mrs. Prezocki walks into a sex store and says to the salesman, “Where are the dildos?”
The clerk says, “On the wall over there …”
She looks and then points and says, “I want one of the red ones.”
The sales
man says, “No, lady. The dildos are the ones next to the fire extinguisher.”
Fallon goes into an alley with a hooker, starts to go down on her, and there’s peas and carrots and chewed meat in there.
He says, “Lady, are you sick?”
She says, “No, but I think the guy before you might have been.”
What does an eight-hundred-and-fifty-pound
gerbil do for kicks?
He shoves gay guys up his ass.
Why does it take longer to build a
snowwoman than a snowman?
Because you have to hollow out the head.
I hope you enjoyed this section.
If you didn’t, I hope your next
shit is square.
Kiss
the Pickle
A little old lady walks into a butcher shop, walks over to where the chickens are hanging, lifts up a chicken’s wing, and sniffs under it. She lifts up another wing and sniffs under it. She lifts up a leg and sniffs under it.
The butcher yells over, “Hey, lady … you think you could pass that test?”
She says, “I want a nice Long Island duckling.”
He says, “Okay, lady,” and he brings out a duckling.
She unwraps it, sticks her finger in its rear end, pulls it out, and sniffs it.
She says, “Hey! What are you trying to do? This duckling’s not from Long Island. This duckling is from Pennsylvania.”
The butcher says, “Hang on, lady.”
He brings out another duck.
She unwraps its, sticks her finger in its rear end, pulls it out, and sniffs it.
She says, “Wait just a minute. This duckling is not from Long Island. This duckling is from upstate New York.”
He says, “Hang on, lady.”
He brings out another duck.
She unwraps it, puts her finger in its rear end, and wiggles it around a little …
She pulls it out, sniffs it, and says, “Now that’s a nice Long Island duckling. I’ll take it. You can wrap it up. Gee, you’re certainly a nice young fella. You must be new around here. Where’d you say you’re from?”
He pulls down his pants, turns around, bends over, and says, “You tell me.”
Did you hear about the Polish airliner
that crashed in a graveyard?
So far, they’ve recovered five thousand bodies.
Why aren’t there any Puerto
Ricans on Star Trek?
Because they’re not going to work
in the future, either.
A black guy has stomach cramps so he goes to a black doctor.
The doctor examines him, and says, “Well, my friend, you bowels is locked.”
He says, “But, Doc, I gots diarrhea.”
The doctor says, “Then they’s locked open.”
What’s the difference between
outlaws and in-laws?
Outlaws are wanted.
Pippin comes home from a party and yells to his wife, “ Honey, I want to show you something.”
She comes into the living room, and Pippin is standing there with a beautiful gold trophy.
She says, “Where did you get that?”
He says, “I won it in a big dick contest.”
She says, “You mean to tell me that you pulled that big hairy thing out of your pants in front of a group of strangers again?”
Pippin says, “Just enough to win.”
A middle-aged lady’s got a bad backache, so she goes to the doctor. After he examines her, he tells her to go home, take a hot bath, and then lie on her bed naked and pull her legs up over her head.
She goes home and does it. She’s lying on top of her bed stark naked, with her knees back by her ears, when her husband walks in from work.
He says, “For Christ’s sakes, Linda, comb your hair and put in your teeth. You look more like your mother every day.”
What did one gay sperm say to
the other gay sperm?
“How are we supposed to find an
egg in all this shit?”
Did you hear about the dyslexic rabbi?
He walks around saying, “Yo.”
God wants to go on a vacation, and he doesn’t know where to go.
One of the angels says, “God, why don’t you go down to Earth?”
God says, “Nah. I mean, Earth’s got a pretty good atmosphere, but I went there two thousand years ago and banged some Jewish girl, and they’re still talking about it.”
Fred and Al ride a camel to a football game, and leave it in the parking lot. After the game, they agree that it’ll be hard to find the camel with the parking lot so crowded, so they have a few beers and wait a while. Finally, they go to the parking lot, and it’s empty except for the camel.
Just before they get on, Fred says, “Hold it, Al, I’m gonna make sure this is ours.”
He walks around behind it, lifts up the camel’s tail, and says, “This ain’t it. It ain’t ours.”
Al says, “How do you know?”
Fred says, “When we were riding in, I heard the guy at the gate say, ‘Look at the two assholes on that camel.’”
What’s the smartest thing that ever came
out of a woman’s mouth?
Einstein’s cock.
How do you know when you’re really stoned on pot?
You’re sitting there picking away at the
holiday turkey and it’s still frozen.
Why did the Polish guy slide down the banister?
He was out of toilet paper.
How do you make a dog go “meow”?
Put him in a deep freeze for a few days …
then push him through a buzz saw …
meeooww …
A Polish girl is hitchhiking and gets picked up by a trucker. She gets in, and the first thing she notices is his fancy CB setup.
She says, “Wow, what a nice radio.”
He says, “I can call anywhere in the world with that.”
She says, “Really? I’d do anything to talk to my mother home in Poland …”
He says, “Oh, yeah?” and takes out his huge cock.
She grabs it, leans down, and says, “Hello, Ma?”
How can you tell when a girl is really horny?
She sits on your hand and it feels like
there’s a horse eating out of your palm.
Sidor is at a banquet and keeps complaining that his false teeth are hurting him.
The guy sitting to his left reaches into his pocket and pulls out a set of dentures, hands them to Sidor, and says, “Try these.”
Sidor tries them, and says, “Thanks anyway, but they’re too tight.”
The guy pulls out another set and hands them to Sidor. They fit perfectly, so Sidor wears them for the entire night.
At the end of the banquet, Sidor hands them back to the guy and says, “They fit me perfectly. Are you a dentist?”
The guy says, “No. An undertaker.”
What’s the definition of safe sex in West Virginia?
Branding the sheep that kick.
Two gay guys are on a picnic, and the first guy says, “I have to take a dumpski,” and he walks into the woods to do it.
A few minutes later, the other guy hears the first guy whimpering, “Boo-hoo! I had a miscarriage. I had a miscarriage.”
He goes running into the woods to see what’s going on.
When he gets there, the first guy is still crying, “Boo-hoo! I had a miscarriage. I had a miscarriage.”
He looks down and says, “Don’t be silly. You didn’t have a miscarriage. You had diarrhea on a frog.”
Why are turds tapered at the end?
So your asshole won’t slam shut.
Did you hear about the two gays whose
last wish was to be buried together?
The mortician cremated them and
put them in a fruit jar.
Parenteau’s got a big fat wife. She gets out of the shower, sits on the pot, and gets stuck, s
o he calls the plumber. Then he realizes that she’s sitting there naked, and he can’t have that, so he takes his bowler derby and puts it on her lap to cover up home base.
The plumber shows up, takes one look, and he says, “Listen, Mac, I think I can save your wife, but the guy in the hat’s a goner.”
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
To a different bar.
When do you know you’ve got a really small cock?
You put it in a girl’s hand and she says,
“You know I don’t get high.”
How do you paralyze a woman
from the waist down?
Marry her.
Bates walks into the doctor’s office with a golf club sticking out of his ass.
The doctor says, “What the hell happened to you?”
Bates says, “I sliced a shot into a cow pasture. We spent a half hour looking for my ball when my wife called me over to see it deeply imbedded in a pile of cow shit. I wasn’t thinking and I said, ‘Looks like your hole.’”
A married couple goes to a masquerade party dressed as a cow. He’s the front, she’s the back. The party gets a little boring, so they decide to stay in their costume and go for a walk.
As they’re going across a pasture, they hear, Snort! Snort!
The wife says, “Bobby! Bobby! There’s a bull over there and I think he’s gonna charge! What are we gonna do?”
The husband says, “Well, I’m gonna eat some grass … you better brace yourself.”
What do two lesbians do when
they’re both menstruating?
Fingerpaint.
Two gay guys get married, and they want to have a baby, so they ask a girl to let them both make love to her, and then have the baby for them. And she agrees, because if she didn’t, this joke would stop right here. Nine months later, they’re in the maternity ward, and all of the babies are kicking and screaming except for one.
One of the gay guys says to the nurse, “Nurse, oh, nurse, which is our child?”
Of course, she’s pretty annoyed at the whole situation.
Disgustingly Dirty Joke Book Page 9