She says, “The one that’s quiet.”
The gay guy says, “See? So calm and peaceful.”
She says, “Yeah? Wait ‘til I take the pacifier out of his ass.”
What would you call an Italian slum?
A spaghetto.
Woodbury calls the undertaker and says, “You’re gonna have to bury my wife.”
The undertaker says, “Bury your wife? I buried your wife two years ago.”
Woodbury says, “You don’t understand, I got married again.”
The undertaker says, “Oh, I didn’t know that. Congratulations.”
A couple’s in bed, and the guy says, “How about it?”
She says, “Not tonight, I have to go to the gynecologist tomorrow and I want to be fresh.”
The guy thinks a second and says, “You’re not going to the dentist, are you?”
Why was it easy to pick out
George Washington’s mistresses?
They all had splinters in their tits.
The doctor walks up to Legman in the hospital and says, “I’m sorry, but your wife is very weak. I doubt that she’ll make it to the morning. Try to comfort her as best you can.”
Legman goes into her room, and says, “Dear, the doctor says things are bleak. Is there anything I can do to comfort you in your last hours?”
She says, “Well, all these years we’ve been married, I’d always wished that one day you’d fuck me in the ass, but you never have. Would you please do that?”
Legman is astounded, but it’s her last request, so he figures he should do whatever she desires. Face it, he’s thrilled. So, he rolls her over, lifts her nightie, and proceeds to skewer her manure. Really stirs her lunch for her, boffs her in the potty spot for hours.
The next morning the doctor looks in on her, and he can’t believe it. She’s made an incredible rally, and is rapidly regaining her strength and her health. By noon, she’s up and walking. The doctor is flabbergasted.
He pulls Legman out into the hall and says, “My God, man, she’s like new. She’s going to live to be a hundred and twenty. What the hell did you do in there?”
Legman is a little embarrassed by the whole situation, and he says, “Well, Doc, I … I just … I just fucked her in the ass for a while.”
The doctor starts to cry uncontrollably.
Legman says, “Doc, what’s wrong?”
The doctor says, “I could have saved my father, Eleanor Roosevelt …”
What’s brown and hides in the attic?
The diarrhea of Anne Frank.
Louis and Jim are sitting on a dock fishing. Louis reaches into his bait box, takes out a piece of bait, sniffs! it, puts it on the hook, throws in his line, and pulls out a fish. He reaches into his bait box, takes out a piece of bait, sniffs! it, puts it on the hook, throws in his line, and pulls out a fish.
After a while Jim says, “Wait one fucking minute. You reach into your bait box, take out a piece of bait, sniff! it, put it on your hook, throw in your line, and pull out a fish, fish after fish. I’m sitting here right next to you, and I haven’t even got a friggin’ nibble. What the hell are you using for bait?”
Louis says, “Well, I’m a little embarrassed. I’ve got a friend who’s an undertaker, and he sells me pussies to use for bait. I put ’em on the hook, and the fish can’t resist ’em.”
Jim says, “I can understand that. But why do you sniff ’em?”
Louis says, “Well, he’s a low-life bastard, and every once in a while he slips in a few assholes.”
Did you hear about the Mexican midget who committed
suicide?
He hung himself from his rearview mirror.
Why did the shit cross the road?
The chicken forgot to wipe her ass.
Why don’t elephants use tampons?
You wouldn’t use them either, if you had to put them in
with your nose.
I hope you enjoyed this section.
If you didn’t hope the next
time you jump on a bicycle it
doesn’t have a seat.
What Did
You Expect?
Bartlett is checking out of a hotel when suddenly he has to take a shit real bad. The bathroom door in his room is stuck shut, so he bolts down to use the lobby men’s room, but all of the stalls are occupied, so he runs back up to his room, and in desperation, he drops his pants, uproots a plant, and takes a shit in the pot.
Then he puts the plant back in the pot and leaves.
Two weeks later, he gets a postcard from the hotel that says, “Dear Mr. Bartlett, All is forgiven. Just tell us … where is it?”
We’re out on the Great Plains in the mid-1800s with the legendary Indian hunter, Running Sore. And he’s with his protégé, Licking Red Beaver. Suddenly, Running Sore hushes Licking Red Beaver. He gets down on all fours … because obviously he trusts Licking Red Beaver … and he puts one ear to the ground.
He says, “Buffalo come.”
Licking Red Beaver says, “How you know?”
He says, “Stuck to my cheek.”
What do you get when you cross
Van Gogh with a Mexican?
A bullfighter who cuts off his own ear and
throws it to the crowd.
A doctor makes a routine phone call to one of his elderly patients, and he says, “How are you feeling, Mr. Schwartz?”
He says, “I feel fine, Doc, but you know, it’s the damnedest thing. Every night when I get up to pee, and I open up the bathroom door, the light goes on for me automatically.”
The doctor is worried that the old guy is getting a little senile, so he calls the guy’s son, and the son’s wife answers. He says, “Mrs. Schwartz, I’m a little concerned about your father-in-law. It seems that when he gets up in the middle of the night to urinate, and opens the bathroom door, he claims the light goes on automatically, and I …”
She yells, “Ernie! Pop’s pissing in the refrigerator again!”
Mrs. Benson says to the funeral director, just before her husband’s wake, “You know, Charlie looks great, but I’m so worried about his toupee sliding down. I know it would just break his heart if his toupee slid down.”
The mortician says, “Don’t worry about a thing, lady.”
Two days later, the funeral’s over, and Mrs. Benson says to the mortician, “Charlie’s toupee stayed right in place. I can’t thank you enough. What’d you do?”
He says, “I stapled it on.”
Did you hear the boys from West Virginia
have found a new use for sheep?
They get wool from them.
Did you hear about the promiscuous high school girl?
While everyone else was dissecting frogs,
she was opening flies.
An old guy’s sitting on a bus when a punk rocker gets on. The punk rocker’s hair is red, yellow, blue, and orange, he’s wearing feather earrings, and he sees the guy staring at him.
He says, “What’s the matter, old man? Didn’t you ever do anything wild?”
The guy says, “Yeah. One time I fucked a parrot. I thought maybe you were my kid.”
What would you call a girl who eats
her mother and her father?
An orphan.
lacovelli walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. He goes to take a piss, and while he’s pissing, he looks over and sees a guy bending over to wash his hands in the sink. While he’s bending over, another guy comes up from behind and starts fucking him in the ass. Then another guy comes up behind him and starts fucking him in the ass. lacovelli can’t believe it.
He goes back out to the bartender and says, “What’s going on? A guy was washing his hands in the sink, another guy comes up from behind and starts fucking him in the ass, then another guy comes up behind him and starts fucking him in the ass.”
The bartender says, “Was the guy in the middle wearing an orange shirt?”
lacovelli says, “Yeah.”
&nbs
p; The bartender says, “That’s Bob. He’s lucky in cards, too.”
What did the brown gerbil say to the white gerbil?
“You must be new around here.”
Dirty Johnny’s playing with Loose Lisa, and he says to her, “You know, Lisa, I’d really like to get in your pants.”
She says, “Why, John?”
He says, “Because I just shit in mine.”
What’s the one thing you can do to a Jewish girl’s
asshole to make her squeal with delight?
Give him a raise.
The doctor says, “Schlatter, you’ve got sugar in your urine.”
The next morning, Schlatter pees on his cornflakes.
Beno and Puscas are bombed, watching the St. Patrick’s Day parade, when one of them drops his lit cigarette into a damp mattress that’s been left out on the sidewalk. The mattress starts to smoulder just as the blue-hair brigade, the ladies’ auxiliary, is passing by.
Beno takes a whiff, turns to Puscas, and says, “Man … you think maybe they’re marching these ladies too fast?”
What does a perverted parrot say?
“Polly want a rim job.”
Minervini goes into a whorehouse, goes upstairs with a girl, takes off his pants, and he’s got a two-foot cock.
She says, “Bullshit. You’re not putting that thing in me. I’ll kiss it.”
He says, “Fuck that. I can do that myself.”
Did you hear about the couple
that “ninety-sixed”?
After they sixty-nined, they rolled over
and shit in each other’s hair.
Luke says to his Pa, “Pa, what’s fuckin’?”
Pa calls Ma over, bends her over a rain barrel, lifts up her skirt, pulls down her drawers, points, and says to Luke, “See that hole in Ma? Well, watch me.”
He pulls down his pants and starts fucking her from behind.
As Pa is pumping Ma, Luke’s brother Zeke comes running over and says, “Luke, we gotta help Ma, Pa’s beatin’ her up.”
Luke says, “No, Pa’s fuckin’.”
Zeke says, “What’s fuckin’?”
Luke yanks down his pants, points, and says, “See that hole in Pa? Well, watch me.”
What’s brown and full of holes?
Swiss shit.
How do you make Polish stucco?
You paint over the boogers.
Hawthorne buys a parrot, and the first night he has it, he brings home a girl, and the parrot screeches, “He’s gonna try to fuck you! He’s gonna try to fuck you!”
After he takes her home, he says to the parrot, “You pull that shit again, I’ll slash your throat and throw you in the toilet.”
The next night, he brings home a girl, and the parrot screeches, “He’s gonna try to fuck you! He’s gonna try to fuck you!”
Hawthorne grabs the parrot, slashes his throat, and throws him in the toilet. He goes back to the girl and it turns out she’s having her period, so she excuses herself to go yank out her tampon.
She’s sitting on the bowl after she yanks it out, when she hears, “I’m gonna live! I’m gonna live!”
She gets up and sees the parrot in the bowl with his neck sliced open.
She says, “What do you mean, ‘You’re gonna live’?”
The parrot points to her bloody snatch and says, “If you can live with a gash like that, I can live with a gash like this!”
How do you know when you’ve got really bad gas?
You fart in the tub and the bubbles sink.
When do you know you’re really lonely?
Your own tongue starts to feel good in your mouth.
How do you make a cat go “woof”?
You cover it with gasoline, and throw on a match …
woof …
Life isn’t fair. They’ll put Bibles in motel rooms,
but you’ll never get a vibrating pew.
Why did the French horn player’s
wife get a divorce?
Because every time he kissed her
he stuck his hand in her ass.
Fox and Clarke are sitting at a bar.
Fox says, “You ever have anal sex?”
Clarke says, “Yeah.”
Fox says, “With who?”
Clarke says, “My wife.”
Fox says, “Do you like it?”
Clarke says, “Nah, not really.”
Fox says, “Does your wife like it?”
Clarke says, “Not really.”
Fox says, “So you hardly ever do it?”
Clarke says, “Are you kidding? We do it almost every night.”
Fox says, “You don’t like it, and your wife doesn’t like it. Why the hell do you do it?”
Clarke says, “The kids get a big kick out of it.”
How do you make five pounds
of fat look pretty?
Put a nipple on the end.
DiNapoli comes home from work and finds his new bride sliding down the banister.
He says, “What are you doing?”
She says, “Warming up your dinner.”
The farmer sends his daughter to the meat market for pig’s feet, forgetting that the town has a new butcher who doesn’t speak any English. Sure enough, his daughter comes home with the pig’s feet.
The farmer says, “How did you tell him you wanted pig’s feet?”
She says, “I just pointed to my feet and grunted like a pig.”
The farmer says, “Well, I’m certainly glad I didn’t send you for a ham.”
Your wife is barking at the front door,
and your dog is barking at the back door.
Who do you let in?
The dog … because he stops barking
after you let him in.
Why do doctors spank newborn babies?
To knock the dicks off the stupid ones.
Pinkerton is drunk and he goes up into a room with a big fat hooker. She takes off her clothes, jumps on the bed, lies on her back, and spreads her legs.
He takes a look and says, “What am I doing in this lane? I don’t have exact change.”
A lady says to her doctor, “My husband has been complaining that my vagina has an odor, but I bent over and took a whiff, and I don’t smell anything.”
The doctor examines her, and then says, “You need an operation.”
She says, “On my vagina?”
He says, “No. On your nose.”
What’s the difference between a girl and a toilet?
A toilet doesn’t want to cuddle after you drop a load in it.
Hammond is walking up to a doctor’s office when a nun comes running out screaming.
Hammond walks in and says, “What’s with the nun?”
The doctor says, “I just told her that she’s pregnant.”
Hammond says, “The nun is pregnant?”
The doctor says, “No, but it certainly cured her hiccups.”
Ferrentino wakes up one morning with a terrible hangover, and realizes he’s in a motel room. He looks down at the foot of the bed, and there she is. Ooo. Very ugly. A girl that’s so ugly they should retire the letters of her name from the alphabet. She’s looking at him, and she’s in love.
She says, “What are we gonna name it?”
Ferrentino picks up the rubber he used the night before, ties a knot in it, twirls it around, tosses it out the window, and says, “If he gets out of this one, we’ll call him Houdini.”
What’s the best thing about Alzheimer’s disease?
You can hide your own Easter eggs.
When do you know your girlfriend is
spending too much time on your face?
There’s an imprint of her
asshole on your chin.
Raney is in a locker room when he sees a guy with a cork in his ass.
He says to him, “Hey, I know it’s none of my business, but why is there a cork in your ass?”
The guy says, “Well, I was walking in the woods when I tripp
ed over a lamp. This thing came out and said, ‘Ugh! Me Tonto, Indian genie. Can grant-um you one wish.’ And I said, ‘No shit.’”
Planncton goes into the tiny, dingy little office of Stanley Schwartz, a disreputable, snaky, low-life show business booking agent, and says, “I want you to look at an act.”
Stanley Schartz says, “Okay, step out into the hall.”
They walk out into the hall, and Stanley Schwartz says to Planncton, “Okay, let’s see what you’ve got.”
Planncton gets totally naked, and then shits on the floor. As he’s finishing a nice pile, his sister comes around the corner and dives into the muck. He starts undressing her as his father and brother, both naked, come around the corner with huge erections, pulling on them madly. They both piss on the sister and take shits themselves, and then they sing a little song and do a little dance in the mess. Then the mother appears in drag, and starts sucking off the brother and waddling in the excretion as the sister barfs and the father leads them in a little song and a little dance.
Then they all meet heads together in the crap, and come up dripping and smiling with a loud, “Hooray!”
Planncton says to Stanley Schwartz, “What do you think?”
Stanley Schwartz says, “It’s very different. What do you call yourselves?”
Planncton says, “The Aristocrats.”
I hope you enjoyed this book.
If you didn’t, why don’t you go
piss into a fan? And while you’re
at it, stand too close..
Disgustingly Dirty Joke Book Page 10