Meg & Linus

by Hanna Nowinski

“I’m sorry,” Meg says again. “Rain check?”

  “Sure.”

  “Awesome. Thanks, Linus!”

  I watch her walk away and I just wish I knew what this was all about. I get it if she wants to be alone. What I don’t get is why she can’t tell me that instead of making something up. She knows that I, of all people, would understand. And yet she prefers to lie to me.

  She keeps making up excuses and avoids any real conversation, when I know there are things on her mind. She never even told me that she was the one to tell Danny about me. That still stings.

  She also keeps bailing on me when she has promised to drive me home after school. And I don’t exactly mind that, either, because she doesn’t have to drop me off. It’s nice of her when she does, but really, it’s up to me to find a way to get home. I just don’t fully understand why she keeps telling me that she’ll do it and then she ditches me, but I’m worried that she thinks she might be doing me a favor, stranding me with Danny.

  I’m not sure if this can all still be attributed to Sophia and the breakup. All I know is that I don’t know how to help. I’m supposed to be her best friend. But all I feel is powerless. It’s like she doesn’t even want my help, and that hurts a bit. Best friends are supposed to be there for each other when something bad happens, and yet she acts as if everything’s completely fine in her life. I want her to feel like she can trust me, like I can handle being there for her. But maybe I was wrong about how close our friendship is? I get why she stopped answering my texts and dropped off the face of the earth at the end of the summer, right after Sophia dumped her. But I feel like I’m still cut out of her life even now and I’m not sure why that is.

  Of course, I don’t want to upset her even more by telling her that she is sometimes kind of annoying me a little with the way she keeps disappearing on me and giving me meaningful looks when she sees me talking to Danny. But I know that eventually I am going to have to bring it up.

  Her behavior is harmless now but I don’t know what’s next and I don’t know why she keeps doing this. Whatever her reasons, her actions seem unhealthy. But what am I supposed to do? I can’t help her if she won’t let me.

  For now I let her go and instead follow Danny out to the parking lot so we can go get some tutoring done.

  “You’re quiet,” Danny says, smiling at me once we’re seated at the coffee shop table where we are going to be working on his math skills today.

  “I’m sorry,” I say. “I’m worried about Meg.”

  He frowns. “She does seem distracted. But I don’t know her that well.”

  “Yeah.” I sigh. “I’m afraid the Meg you did get to know so far this semester isn’t really the Meg she usually is. She seems—I don’t know. Sad?”

  “You know her better,” he says. “But if you’re that worried, do you think we should do something to cheer her up? Like, do you think there is anything that we can do for her to make her feel better?”

  I think about it. “Maybe,” I say. “I don’t know. I did already try to cheer her up, but I don’t think I’ve been very successful yet. It could be that she still just misses Sophia.”

  “That’s always a possibility,” he confirms. “They were together a long time, right?”

  I sigh. “Yeah. I’ve been talking to Sophia a bit, and she seems really sad, too. She used to write to me pretty frequently, actually.”

  “Why did they break up?” Danny asks.

  “Oh, it was just because Sophia was leaving for college,” I say. “Or at least that’s the way Sophia tells it. Meg still won’t talk about it, so I don’t know her side of the story. Sophia seemed to really regret breaking up with Meg at first. She wrote to me all the time. But lately she’s gone quiet.”

  “Could she maybe be dating someone new and she doesn’t want Meg to find out?” he suggests.

  I do my best to imagine that scenario, but somehow, I just can’t. I don’t really think that there is a way that Sophia could be with anyone else. But maybe that’s just because my brain rejects the idea after having seen them together. I can still only see them as a unit in my head. Maybe also because Meg has shown no sign at all of being ready or even wanting to move on.

  “I don’t think so,” I say. “A while ago Sophia said she was single. I don’t think that has changed.” I hesitate before admitting: “I really thought they were going to be together forever. Meg used to talk about what their wedding would be like. And now—this.”

  Danny nods. “Well, they were young to be talking about their wedding. Not that I think there’s anything wrong with it. When you’re sure, you’re sure. But maybe Sophia got freaked out? I mean, obviously I don’t know her, so I may be wrong. But maybe she just panicked.”

  I think about it, but what it comes down to is that all of this is still nothing more than guessing. I shrug. “I really just don’t know.”

  “Well.” He scratches his head. “Maybe they both just need time to get over it. Maybe Meg just needs to find something to take her mind off things. I’m sure you’re helping her by just being around and stuff.”

  “I really want to help her,” I say. “Just not like—trying to set her up with someone new or anything like that. I don’t think she’s ready for that yet.”

  “I wasn’t even thinking about anything like that,” he assures me. “Just—if there’s anything I can do to help, let me know? We can round up the rest of the drama people and all do something together. Maybe that would be a good distraction.”

  “That is really nice of you,” I tell him.

  He beams at me. “I mean, we’re all friends, right? Friends have one another’s backs.”

  I lower my eyes and bite my lip and whenever he says things like this I can almost imagine that Meg is right and there actually is something between us. But I don’t want to get my hopes up in case I’m mistaken.

  “At least we have an astronomy club field trip coming up,” I say. “That will hopefully cheer her up a little.”

  Danny tilts his head at me. “Field trip? That sounds important. And kind of cool. What do you do?”

  “Stargazing.” I laugh. “Literally. We just sit and watch the night sky. That’s all; that’s the entire trip.”

  “I always assumed astronomy club would hang out at observatories, filling out star charts or whatever,” Danny says, grinning.

  “Oh, we do that, too,” I assure him. “We’re visiting an observatory later this semester. This time it’s just all of us out on the field behind the old cement plant. Ms. Heller, our faculty adviser, is bringing a telescope. We all take turns looking through it.”

  “That actually sounds really cool,” he says.

  I hesitate, but there’s no harm in suggesting this. It’s just a field trip. “You can come along, if you want,” I tell him. “There’s only five of us so far. And it’s really fun. It’s this Friday, sunset until nine p.m.”

  He seems to think about it. “Are you sure that’s okay? I’m not even part of the club.…”

  “So?” I shake my head. “It’s just for fun. And it’s not even a weekly club thing. We just go on excursions together. We literally just sit around on a field. But the telescope is really cool. Ms. Heller usually doesn’t mind people tagging along if they’re interested in what we do.”

  “I’ve never looked through a telescope before,” Danny says. “I’ve always wanted to.”

  “Yeah. Everyone should do that at least once in their lives.”

  “If you’re sure it’s okay, I’d love to come along.” Danny smiles at me. “I should probably ask this teacher of yours first, though.”

  “I’ll see her tomorrow anyway,” I say. “She’s my physics teacher. Do you want me to talk to her?”

  “That would be amazing.” He looks really excited about this. “Is there anything I need to bring?”

  “Flashlight and a warm jacket.” I am really excited about this, too, if I’m being honest. “Meg has a picnic blanket to sit on. I usually bring a thermos with some
cocoa, but mostly because that’s what they do in the movies.”

  “Of course.”

  He smiles so widely and I lower my eyes and blush and prepare to go back to explaining calculus to him. Because as much as I might want to believe that this is a date, calculus is what we’re really here for.

  Chapter 35

  Meg

  I AM DISTRACTED AND CAN’T quite focus, my eyes wandering back to my laptop screen with the e-mail in-box open in the browser every few minutes. There is still no reply from Sophia. It’s been a week now and I don’t even know if this is still her current e-mail address and how often she checks it. Maybe she exclusively uses her university e-mail now. Who knows?

  I should probably let it go, but my brain keeps coming up with all sorts of reasons for why she’s not writing back to me. I’m a little angry with myself for not being able to concentrate on something as important as homework, but there’s not much I can do about it.

  Well, I guess I could close my laptop and make a conscious decision to not check my e-mail again until I have at least completed my mini-essay on nineteenth-century urbanization. But somehow, I don’t really have that level of self-discipline today.

  I’m a little nervous and jittery and maybe I should have gone without the coffee this afternoon. On the other hand, no, the coffee is necessary. I always have a coffee when I get home. I need it. So I’m weirdly wired and restless; that was to be expected, wasn’t it? I haven’t talked to Sophia in so long and it’s making me nervous, waiting for a reply from her.

  If she did get my e-mail, I’m almost sure she’s going to write back. I did get messages from her the first few weeks of school, after all. I just never responded to any of them. She did text, she did even try to call a few times. But I ignored her because I didn’t want to hear any of it.

  What if it’s too late now?

  This is insane. It’s not even like I want to get back together. I just asked her advice about a friend. A mutual friend. I know she cares about Linus.

  I kind of want to talk to someone, but Linus is not an option for this and I’m not sure I want to tell Mom. Because I’d have to tell her about stranding Linus at school after drama club, too, and I don’t know if she would approve. Technically, it wasn’t very nice of me to bail on Linus so that Danny had to take him home, and I do know that. I just think that in this case, it was an okay thing to do. I didn’t really abandon him, after all. I just made it so that he had to get a lift home from the boy who offered to give him a lift home, who obviously wants to spend time with him, if those looks they share are any indication.

  I’m through with history and have just moved on to English when my e-mail in-box shows one unread e-mail and I almost knock over my mostly empty coffee mug in my haste to get at the mouse.

  It’s from Sophia, she has replied! Finally!

  Quickly, I open the e-mail, then just sit there for a second with my eyes squeezed shut, not sure what to do or whether I actually want to know what she has to say.

  Forcing myself not to hold my breath, I make myself open my eyes.

  Dear Meg, it says, and I read slowly, not skipping ahead. It’s several paragraphs and I’m relieved to find that it’s not personal in the way I had feared it would be. I should have given her more credit than that. Sophia would never use the opportunity to help out a mutual friend to pursue a personal agenda, like trying to convince me not to hate her.

  I’m so sorry for the late reply! I didn’t get this until now, I promise. I only use this e-mail for newsletters and stuff now; that’s why I rarely check it anymore. I didn’t mean to ignore you. If you want, you can from now on reach me at …

  I slump back in my chair and let out a breath, relieved. She wasn’t avoiding me, then. We can still have a conversation. That’s good. I lean forward again, reading on.

  This is very exciting news, she continues. I am happy that you’re enjoying drama club, and I absolutely think that both you and Linus could get a part if you auditioned. There’s no guarantees, of course. But here’s my advice:

  And what follows is a lot of advice about how to choose the part to audition for and what to avoid and just a lot of general stuff that does indeed sound very, very helpful for someone who doesn’t actually know the first thing about acting.

  She ends the e-mail with the words: If there is anything else I can help you with, like, if you need someone to brainstorm ideas with, you know I am always here for you! I’ll do anything to help Linus out, and Danny, too, he sounds really nice! I hope things work out for the two of them!

  I think about it. The truth is, as nervous as I had been ever since I wrote to her, and as weird as it feels to just casually talk to her like this—it also doesn’t feel as weird as I feared it would. It’s just e-mailing. I can almost pretend I’m talking to someone else. And I think I actually could use someone to help me with this.

  Before I can talk myself out of it, I open a new e-mail, copy her new e-mail address into the address field, and start typing.

  And this is why I contacted her; I know Linus and I know what I want to achieve, but Sophia knows people and knows how to make friends and what is necessary to create opportunities for conversation and bonding. This is exactly the part I knew I needed help with and I’m so glad she has agreed to provide just that.

  I make sure to thank her for the suggestions, telling her if she has any ideas that would mean I could stop abandoning them for lunch, I’d be glad to hear them.

  She offered to brainstorm and, honestly, I can use the help. Obviously what I’ve been doing so far with setting them up to have lunch together and making them carpool occasionally and encouraging them to run lines together for drama club is working in a way, but I’m not really any closer to getting Linus to audition for a part.

  I promise to send her regular updates on drama club since I know she must miss all of her friends there, and then I go back to my homework.

  * * *

  I have a new e-mail from her when I get back to my desk after dinner, and I open it immediately. Hearing from her is exciting. I can’t help it. It just feels like … a connection. And maybe this is a really bad idea, connecting with her again, because she’s still so far away and still not my girlfriend again, but it makes me happy. I’ve missed her.

  And it’s not like I’m getting my hopes up or anything. Definitely not. We’re just talking about Linus, not us. It still feels nice, being able to do that again. Maybe that’s enough.

  In her e-mail Sophia suggests trying to manipulate drama club to make them put on something romantic for a school play, and maybe getting the two of them to rehearse romantic lines together. But I’m not sure I know how to do that. Sophia might have been able to influence what play they put on when she was part of the group, but I’m pretty sure that I can’t do that. I’ve been sitting with Alyssa for lunch sometimes, but that still doesn’t mean I’m a real part of the group yet who can just make suggestions like this.

  Also, even drama club, which is a pretty liberal group of people, wouldn’t dare cast two guys as the romantic leads for fear of ugly repercussions. And we could maybe push Danny into playing the lead, and then I’m quite sure I could get Linus to help him learn his lines by reading the female parts for him. But then what? Also, that might backfire. He could choose to rehearse with the actual female lead instead. And that’s not even considering the fact that I probably wouldn’t be able to influence who gets what part anyway. Maybe Sophia could accomplish all of this, but she can’t exactly abandon college and come back for that, which I do understand, of course. Even if it would be very helpful if she could. On the other hand, I’m glad I don’t have to spend any actual time with her. E-mailing is more than enough for now. And then, if we can accomplish this together, we can see what comes next.

  But that means that now we don’t have a plan for what to do next, and something obviously does need to be done.

  I write back to her and explain why her idea wouldn’t work this way. It’s a great
idea. But it just … wouldn’t work.

  Maybe we should just focus on getting Linus to audition for something for now. We can worry about the rest once that is accomplished.

  She must be online, probably doing homework, too, or something, because it’s just a few minutes before she writes back.

  You don’t actually have to put on a play, she writes. We can make this really easy. Just bring up the idea of gender-bending some romantic scenes just for fun, and I can guarantee you most people in that club will totally go for it! Suggest making up only same-sex couples and that you all have to take turns, and then Linus will have to do the scene with Danny, right? From what he tells me, he doesn’t actually talk to anyone else in the club and he’s not going to want to do something like that with a stranger.

  This is exactly the kind of elegant, smart solution Sophia always seems to have up her sleeve. I think about it, and I like the idea; I think it could actually really work—until I realize what she just told me.

  From what he tells me …

  I freeze, eyes fixed on that little sentence fragment, and suddenly I feel cold.

  From what he tells her? When has Linus been telling her anything? Are they talking to each other? Behind my back? Have they been talking this whole time?

  I swallow heavily and lean back in my chair and I don’t know what to think. Because Linus has never said anything. This whole time, ever since I told him about Sophia dumping me, he hasn’t said anything about talking to her.

  And yes, I know they’re friends, but he’s my best friend and why has he never said anything? Why did he hide this from me? What have they been talking about? Have they been talking about me?

  I open up a chat window instead of e-mailing back, and type: You’ve been talking to Linus? How long has that been going on?

  I’m sorry, she answers. I thought you knew.

  He never said anything, I tell her.

  She writes back: I’ve just been checking in occasionally. That’s all. There’s not really anything to tell. I haven’t written to him in a while anyway.