I bite my lip and take a deep breath, and then another one, and another one. There’s really no point in me getting angry, I tell myself. They’re friends, I knew that. They’re allowed to be friends. This is nothing to be angry about. And it’s not exactly as if I have been completely honest with him lately, either.
I still am angry. It feels … it feels not good. I don’t like this. I don’t like that he never told me about this. More than that, I think—I think I can reasonably assume that he went out of his way to hide it from me. Like all of those times we hung out and someone texted him and he said it was his mom or Danny. Was it Sophia some of those times? Would he lie about something like that?
And yet, I try to convince myself, even if he did, it doesn’t change anything. It doesn’t change what I’m trying to do here. I need to stay focused. I can’t let my emotions get the better of me. Maybe he made a mistake. So what? It happens, even between friends. Even between best friends.
Whatever, I write.
Are you mad? she asks.
No, I lie. It’s okay.
And then I simply close the chat window and sign off. I don’t want to talk about it.
It will be okay. It will all be okay. It has to be. I just need to walk away from the computer and get another cup of coffee and it will all be okay. Eventually.
It has to be.
Chapter 36
Linus
WEDNESDAY MORNING I GET TO drive my dad’s car because he has the day off, so I pick Meg up for once and drive the two of us to school. She’s already waiting outside when I pull up in front of her house and comes running up to the car as soon as she sees me.
“Linus! Hey!”
“Good morning,” I say, waiting until she’s fastened her seat belt before I turn the car around to get us to school.
“Beautiful morning, isn’t it?” she asks, and while I’m still nodding she’s already reaching for the car stereo, turning up the volume. “I love this song,” she shouts over the music, dancing a little in her seat.
I nod along to the beat and can’t really answer because of the noise. This is a little weird. Meg is never exactly in a bad mood early in the morning, but she just seems—a little over-the-top today. Suspiciously cheerful.
We arrive in the school parking lot, where I can at least finally turn off the music, and Meg is out of the car before I’ve even turned off the engine.
She hurries around the car while I get out and manage to slam the door behind me as she is already threading her arm through mine and starting to pull me along with her, a spring in her step I haven’t seen very often lately. I barely manage to beep the lock closed before she has pulled me out of range.
“Are you prepared for the stargazing field trip this Friday?” she asks, voice just a little too loud. “I can’t really decide what jacket I should wear because the weather has been so weird lately; it’s still so warm in the afternoon and then it already gets so cold when the sun goes down.… You’re going, right? Because, you know, Friday night, you don’t have other plans? We’ll have to reschedule the Star Trek marathon again.…”
“Yeah, I’m going,” I assure her, but she’s already talking again.
So I keep quiet and just nod at the appropriate places. There’s not much else that I can do.
* * *
After being so weird that morning Meg keeps avoiding me for most of the rest of Wednesday, but by Thursday she is almost back to normal, if still a little distracted. I just wish I knew how to help, but she still doesn’t even want to talk.
Friday we’d usually go right to one of our houses after school to order pizza and watch TV, but this week there’s the astronomy club field trip, so we can’t do that, obviously. Instead Meg drops me off at home with the promise to pick me up again later so we can drive out to the field together after picking up Danny, who’s coming with us.
I half expect Meg to back out of driving all of us and coming up with some excuse the way she’s done for a while now; she seems really intent on leaving me alone with Danny a lot of the time. But she just smiles, says, “I’ll see you later,” and drives off.
I spend the rest of my afternoon getting a head start on some homework so I’ll have more of the weekend for myself, and then have a quick dinner with my parents before Meg picks me back up. Together we leave for Danny’s house.
Astronomy club is a small group, but it’s always fun—and I’ll never turn down an opportunity to look through a telescope. Even if it’s just a small and not very good one. It’s still a telescope.
Most of us have brought picnic blankets and within a few minutes we’re all scattered across the field lying on our backs and staring up into the night sky while Meg helps Ms. Heller set up the telescope.
“This is really pretty,” Danny says from the other side of the blanket, and I turn my head to look over at him where he’s stretched out with his hands folded behind his head, looking up.
“We’re lucky that it’s such a clear night,” I say. “You can really see everything.”
“Yeah. There’s Cassiopeia.” He points up, traces a W-shaped line into the air with his index finger.
“You know constellations?”
He shrugs. “My grandpa’s really into that. He taught me. Oh, look, Pegasus!”
I smile to myself and look where he’s pointing. “You want to have a look at them through the telescope?”
He laughs quietly and turns his head at the same time I do, smiles at me. “In a minute. I’m comfortable. Don’t want to get up yet.”
“Yeah.” I smile back, pat the blanket softly. “This is a nice picnic blanket. Nice and soft.”
“And the ground’s not too cold yet.” His smile turns into a grin. “When I was little I used to sit out in the backyard with Grandpa for hours, even in the middle of winter. And he had these little folding chairs, you know, for camping and stuff? I used to fall over in mine when I leaned too far back to get a good look at the sky. But I really liked just sitting there.”
“That sounds amazing.”
“It was.”
“Do you still do that?”
“Fall over?”
I blush and shake my head. “Watch the sky with your grandpa.”
“Oh.” Danny shrugs a little. “Not really, no. He’s—really old now. He doesn’t go out much anymore, not since Grandma died anyway.”
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay.” He rolls his head to look back up at the stars. “It’s just—this used to be our thing when I was growing up, you know? And sometimes I just like looking up and thinking of that.”
“Yeah,” I say, and look up, too, very aware of him right there next to me, the warmth he gives off in the cool night air. “I get it.”
“Meg’s taking a while with that telescope,” Danny comments.
I nod. “As soon as we feel like getting up, we should go get our turn.”
“In a little while,” he answers.
And I’m in no hurry. This is nice. Comfortable, just like he said. I’m perfectly content just lying out here on the ground for a few minutes.
Chapter 37
Meg
AUDITIONS FOR THE SCHOOL PLAY are this week and I haven’t convinced Linus yet to try it. I don’t know if I actually can. But I have thought about Sophia’s idea of suggesting that exercise for rehearsal, and that at least is something I’m pretty sure I could actually accomplish.
I haven’t seen much of Linus this weekend and I haven’t e-mailed a lot with Sophia—I guess I just needed a while to wrap my head around the idea that those two were talking behind my back the whole time. I’m sort of ignoring that for now. I mean, I can see why Linus didn’t tell me. He probably knew I wouldn’t like it. And I obviously can’t tell him who to talk to and who to avoid. I’m not that kind of friend. I don’t want to be controlling. He’s allowed to talk to Sophia if he wants. I don’t like it, but I have bigger things to worry about for now. They’re not going to make me give up on my project with
all of this. I’m so close to getting Linus and Danny together, I can feel it.
My chance finally arrives that Tuesday in drama club. We’re having a bit of a rehearsal before the first round of auditions tomorrow, and while Linus is still saying hi to Danny, I find Alyssa and some of the others and take a seat close to them.
“Hi,” Katie greets me. “Ready for auditions?”
I nod. “Absolutely.”
“Nervous?”
“A bit.” I shrug. This is the moment. “But I’ve been reading up a bit on different techniques and I’ve come across something really interesting in the process. And I was wondering if we could maybe try it?”
“What is it?” Alyssa asks.
“You know when you take a scene, some scene from a play, and you swap everyone’s genders? Could we try something like that?”
“Oh, we’ve done that a bunch of times,” Stella speaks up, and Katie next to her nods emphatically. “Always a lot of fun. Sometimes we do scenes from movies or books, or combine two scenes to make things even more interesting.”
“I was thinking we could pick romantic scenes and just swap one half,” I say. “You know. Make them a little … gayer.”
Alyssa’s eyes light up and she’s smiling at me really widely. “I like that.”
“Yeah?”
“If everyone else is in, I’d really love to do it!”
“Awesome,” I say, and can’t keep the grin off my face. Mission accomplished. Well. Half of it. Now I need to wait and see if Linus and Danny agree to do a scene together.
It turns out that everyone really likes the idea and pretty quickly the room is splitting up into pairs, because apparently we’re doing this right now and everyone has to take a turn. I can see Linus sitting there slightly wide-eyed and a little red in the face, but then I can also see Danny turning to him and talking really fast and Linus nodding vigorously and saying something back. I assume my plan is working.
I partner up with Alyssa because she asks and I feel relieved that I can do this with her—it might have been my idea and I might like all this drama club stuff, but I’m not really all that comfortable yet acting out romantic scenes with random people. This is one aspect I haven’t considered in my planning. I’ll have to pretend to be in love with someone who isn’t Sophia.
But Alyssa is nice. I can do this. And it’s for the greater good. It’s for Linus and Danny, who are still talking, probably trying to decide on a scene, one that they both know.
There isn’t a whole lot of romance in our Sherlock play that we’re putting on this December, so everyone’s choosing their own scene for this.
Alyssa and I, after much thinking, go for the ending of Shrek, the wedding scene, which we look up on my phone and watch the scene several times over. Everyone else is doing the same with their own scenes. We get Malik to play our Lord Farquaad for us because it’s his favorite movie and he knows most of the dialogue by heart anyway.
Danny and Linus have decided to act out the ending of When Harry Met Sally, combined with some Pride and Prejudice, as I understand it. Linus will make a very interesting Sally or Elizabeth, I’m sure. Right now he’s quiet, watching the others perform, and I know that after this I won’t get him to audition for a part right away. But maybe if all of this has time to settle a bit until tomorrow, he’ll feel ready by then.
For now, I can file this away as a success and enjoy the rest of my afternoon.
Chapter 38
Linus
I WAS ABSOLUTELY NOT PREPARED for having to actually act in front of everyone today. Just … absolutely not. I have mostly avoided acting in drama club so far. But this time there is no backing out of it: All of us are doing this, and I am a part of this club. There is no point to me being here if I don’t participate, I tell myself. Repeatedly. I also tell myself repeatedly that no one will expect me to be perfect. It doesn’t do a lot to calm my nerves.
“You okay?” Danny whispers in my ear, and I realize that my leg is bouncing and I’m biting my nails. Which is something I never do.
“Fine, thanks,” I tell him, lowering my hands and pressing them down over my bouncy leg to still the motion. No need to draw attention to myself before we’ve even started, right?
I’m so eternally grateful that he asked me to act out the scene with him because I would never have been able to make myself ask someone. I’m even more eternally grateful that he suggested a combination of two scenes that basically gives me an excuse to just stand there while he talks at me. I do have some lines, but he has way more. I’m glad we’re combining the scenes, because that way if I forget some of the original lines or don’t react like in the movies, it’s less noticeable. I’m just really no Meg Ryan. I’m also no Keira Knightley and no Jennifer Ehle and oh no, why am I doing this, what was I thinking? I cannot measure up to any of them. I just had to take a mix of parts previously played by some of the most gorgeous people to ever walk the face of the planet. Of course. And I’m pretty sure I won’t be able to cry. Well, maybe I will start crying out of sheer nervousness. But that’s not really the sort of emotion the scene calls for, is it?
We’ve watched each scene several times on my phone and I’ve made notes of my important lines even if Danny assures me I won’t have to get the wording exactly right.
“It’s just an exercise,” he says. “It’s about the emotion.”
Which actually doesn’t help me at all because learning whatever scene we come up with by heart I could have done in a matter of minutes, but getting the emotion right in front of a room full of people … Well. My palms are sweaty for a reason. “Cool,” I say, trying to sound confident.
“Just remember,” he tells me, smiling encouragingly, “let me do all the pushing. All you need to do is react to me. Okay? You’re the smart one, the strong one, and I’m the one who’s just figuring out what he’s feeling. So I’ll babble on pretending to be eloquent, and you can just let me do all the work, all right? I’m telling you that I want to be with you. You’re pretty sure you like me back, but I’ve been kind of a tool, so you’re not gonna make it that easy for me. You want to make sure that I’m done being an idiot first. Sound good?”
“Sounds awesome,” I assure him, and my voice only wavers a little. I’ll take that as a victory.
It’s our turn sooner than I would have liked and I stumble after Danny into the center of the room. Everyone’s sitting around us in a semicircle, staring expectantly.
“Like the Globe Theatre,” I say, realizing we’re pretty much surrounded by our audience.
Danny grins at me. “What?”
“Uh, you know.” I shrug, blushing as I wave a hand around the room. “The stage. At the Globe. Shakespeare’s theater. The stage was surrounded by the audience on three sides. That was actually quite common for the time.”
Danny shakes his head and laughs, crinkling his nose at me. “Of course you know that.”
I make myself laugh, too, trying my best to forget there are other people in the room with us. Which … sort of doesn’t work at all. I’m still nervous.
“Ready?” Danny asks.
“No,” I admit. “But let’s do it anyway.”
“You’ll be fine,” he assures me, taking my hand and squeezing it before turning toward Stella and Alyssa, who seem to be in charge today. “Uh, hi, okay. We’re doing this thing inspired by When Harry Met Sally? And Pride and Prejudice, and … you know, you get the picture. The whole big emotional confession. I’m Harry. He’s Sally. Or … I’m Mr. Darcy and he’s Miss Bennet. Basically, I’ve been behaving like a bit of a jerk, because I’m emotionally confused, and now I have to try to win him back. Totally out of the blue, like your typical romantic hero.” I can hear the grin in his voice. His shoulder brushes mine, and he’s still holding my hand, which just makes me very, very aware of how gross and clammy my palm is. Not that I’m complaining about the hand-holding. Danny’s hand is warm and smooth and I could absolutely get used to this feeling if I ever got the chance.
“Cool,” Stella says, nodding encouragingly. “Awesome choice! Very cool combination. Let’s see it, then.”
Danny turns to me, letting go of my hand at last. My fingers curl into a fist almost automatically, feeling even colder now that his hand’s gone. “Ready?” he asks.
I exhale slowly, nod once. “Ready.”
He takes another step back and I can see his face changing, from his nice smile to something a little stressed, a little desperate, a little determined. I’m pretty sure I’m still mostly looking as if I just woke up in a strange room filled with feral dogs. I don’t know if I can do this.
“I’ve been thinking,” Danny says, already in character, a bit breathless, as if he’s just been running, “and I’m pretty sure I need to tell you something. You see, the thing is: I love you. Is that okay?”
Oh. So obviously we’re starting, then. Okay. I mean, I knew we were, but this still feels sudden and I can’t figure out how to get myself to feel like I’m Sally. Elizabeth. One of them. Or both. Acting is hard. I open and close my mouth, trying very hard to remember my line. Any line. I know we’re acting. I know this is a part he’s playing. But I can’t help it: Hearing those words, even if they’re not real, is doing something to me. And I don’t know how anyone can expect me to suddenly learn how to improvise when the boy I’m in love with is standing across from me playing not one fantastically romantic part but several at once.
“Um,” I say, face burning. “What?”
“I love you,” he repeats, like he’s stating a fact. “I think I have for some time.”
“I—uh.” I shake my head, doing my best to clear my thoughts. The words are gone, but after a bit of head-shaking I remember the gist of it. “Okay. And what do you want me to say to that? I—don’t—I mean … That’s—You can’t just … say stuff like that.” I know this is totally lame, but it’s the best I can do. Luckily, Danny has it under control.
He shrugs. “I’m sorry. I know it’s kind of a lot. But it’s the truth, you know? And I needed to tell you. This is the kind of thing I figured you should know. About me. Since we’re best friends and all.”
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