The Beloved

by Alison Rattle

  I go to the window once more. The glass is warm now the sun is finally soaking the world outside. The street is busy with the comings and goings of people who have lives. They pass beneath the spread of trees that are now throwing twisted shadows on the house-fronts opposite; delivery boys with baskets of bread, suited men sweating in hats and stiff collars, and women swaying along the pavement with silk and lace parasols shielding their complexions.

  Lady Egerton will be here soon and Mama will be in her element. Perhaps Eli will join them for tea, and perhaps her Ladyship will be taken with Eli’s handsome features and will think him a good candidate for one of her daughters. I snort at the idea. How much more insufferable Mama would be if that were ever to happen. I think of Lady Egerton’s smug face and her hook nose, which she dabs at with a succession of embroidered handkerchiefs, and of her judgemental eyes and thin slash of a mouth. As people grow older, they get the faces they deserve. Lady Egerton certainly got the face she deserved. She is not as pious as she would have the world believe. Mama’s beauty will fade one day too, I am sure of it. The ugliness inside her will worm its way out and spoil her features for good. Then everybody will see what I see.

  I would ruin the whole day for Mama if I could. If I were not locked in my room, I would interrupt her little party and have some amusement of my own. Perhaps my cup of tea, accidentally knocked from its saucer, could spill onto Lady Egerton’s skirts. Or I could ask her Ladyship, very politely, if she has ever considered consulting a doctor about the broken veins on her high and mighty cheeks. How Mama’s nerves would be tested at that! But better still, I wish I could prevent Lady Egerton from coming here altogether. How devastated Mama would be then!

  I close my eyes and I imagine her Ladyship descending the great stairway of Bridgwater Hall on her way to the carriage that will bring her here. I see her bony foot, clad in a satin slipper, catching the hem of one of her petticoats and sending her tumbling in a heap of squashed crinoline and broken bones. I even hear her Ladyship’s squawks, as loud and indignant as a parrot knocked from its perch. I see her lying at the foot of the stairs as clearly as if I were standing next to her. I wish and I wish for all of this to happen. I wish so hard that I tremble with the effort.

  I’m surprised then, and horribly disappointed, that when I eventually open my eyes, Lady Egerton’s green and crimson liveried carriage is pulling up on the street below.

  I throw myself on the bed in a huff and land on the package that Eli left there. Pulling it from under me I rip it open; a piece of bread and a slab of greasy cheese falls out. For some reason this makes me laugh. Great bubbling gulps of laughter burst out of me. I laugh until my ribs hurt and I cannot stop, not even when Lillie unlocks the door and pokes her head in to see what all the noise is about.

  Four

  Temperance Angel wrung her hands. It was not like her – this pacing up and down and fretting. But then, she had never waited on a visit from anyone of Lady Egerton’s status before. Temperance had been to the window so many times she was worried she would soon wear the pile on the new crimson Turkey rug. She stopped pacing and looked critically around the drawing room. Everything had to be just so. Not a single detail could be overlooked. Temperance knew what Lady Egerton was like. She found fault in the smallest of things. Temperance had overheard her on many occasions complaining that Frances Cooper served tepid cups of tea, that Cordelia Sprigg’s table linen was a disgrace and that Agnes Hawthorne had no control over her servants. Temperance had no wish to be added to that list of unfortunate women. She had worked hard for this day: donating large sums of Arthur’s money to Lady Egerton’s various philanthropic causes, attending each and every meeting of Bridgwater’s Ladies’ Committee (set up by Lady Egerton to help prevent unfortunate young women from taking to evil ways), suffering the stench of the workhouse on a number of rescue missions and visiting the low parts of town with various members of the Committee. On one of these visits Temperance was forced to pass by the end of the street where her father lived. She was horrified to see him in the distance, shuffling along the pavement. She feigned a dizzy spell and Cordelia Sprigg immediately escorted her home, thus preventing a hideous and embarrassing encounter. Although Temperance occasionally sent her father money (in a bid to keep him quiet rather than from any sense of guilt), she had not seen him since the day of her wedding to Arthur Angel, and wanted to keep it that way.

  Temperance walked to the window yet again. Her hands were sticky and her upper lip damp. She flipped open her fan and flapped it furiously in front of her face and at the open neck of her bodice. She hoped the flowers that Jane had arranged in her hair had not wilted. Everything had to be perfect. She had threatened the servants with instant dismissal if they so much as put a foot wrong. And, of course, Alice was locked safely away at the other side of the house. Temperance sent out a silent prayer. Today would be her biggest success yet. Lady Egerton would be impressed by all that she saw. There would not be a single thing to complain about. And Temperance would finally be accepted into the upper echelons of society.

  As the carriage pulled up outside, Temperance hastily arranged herself on the couch with a book of poetry open on her lap. She did not want to look too eager when Lady Egerton was shown into the room. There was a knock on the door. ‘Come,’ said Temperance as calmly as she could.

  ‘A message from Bridgwater Hall for you, Ma’am.’

  Temperance was puzzled. She looked behind the maid, who was holding a tray with a letter on it. ‘Where is Lady Egerton?’ she hissed. ‘You haven’t left her standing in the hallway, have you?’

  ‘Oh no, Ma’am,’ replied the maid. ‘Just a servant from the Hall came, and asked for this to be passed to you.’ The maid held the tray out towards her mistress.

  Temperance snatched the letter and ripped it open. Her hand flew to her throat and she gasped out loud.

  ‘Is everything all right, Ma’am?’ asked the maid.

  ‘No, it is not,’ breathed Temperance. ‘Fetch me a glass of water.’ As the maid hurried to do her bidding, Temperance looked at the letter again. It was the very worst of news. Lady Egerton was not coming. All that waiting, all that work, all that planning: all for nothing! Temperance screwed up the letter and threw it across the room. It would be a long while before another visit could be arranged. The stupid, stupid old bitch had fallen down the stairs and broken her ankle!

  Five

  Mama has not come to my room to strap my hands to the bed. It is not like her to be late. Lillie is keeping tight-lipped. The mistress is indisposed, is all she will say when I ask after Mama. For all her sharpness and spite, though, Lillie can be quite dull at times. I realise, with a tiny thrill, that as she leaves my room, she has quite forgotten to lock the door.

  I savour the feeling of freedom for a while, but I dare not close my eyes. Mama is bound to come soon, and if she finds I have fallen asleep untethered, there will be another day of punishment tomorrow. I turn this way and that, I plump up my pillow, and I listen to Lillie moving about in her room. Soon though, I am bored with waiting. The thought that I could get out of bed if I wanted to, and even leave my room, nags away inside my head. I am curious about what could have happened to make tonight so different. Mama is never forgetful or shoddy in her intentions. Will it make matters any worse if I creep out of my room to find Eli?

  I climb from my bed and put a shawl over my nightgown. I take a lighted candle and open the bedroom door softly, so as not to alert Lillie, and then I am out. I stifle a giggle as a joyous rush of possibilities sets my skin tingling and my heart racing. I don’t know what to do first. Should I go straight to Eli? Or should I go to the kitchen and see what I can find to eat? I wolfed down Eli’s thoughtful package of bread and cheese an age ago, and now my mouth is watering at the thought of some thick ham, or cold potatoes, or even a spoonful of honey eaten straight from the jar. I creep barefooted down the back stairs and make my way to the servants’ territory. I flit along the kitchen corridor feeling lik
e a wraith on a haunting mission. The lowest of the maids will still be on duty, I know. But they pose no danger to me. I slip into the kitchen. It is hot and steamy and a small girl is on her knees scrubbing the flagstones in front of the great fire. She jumps when she sees me and clutches her brush to her chest. Her frock and cap are wet and soiled and her apron is filthy with ash stains. I put a finger to my lips as I walk past her to get to the larder. The cool air inside is filled with the smells of good things. There are muslin-covered jars lining the shelves, a cooked ham glistening with fat and a huge pie with a golden crust that looks thicker than my arm. I put down my candle and pick up a knife that is lying near to the pie, then I cut myself a generous slice and eat it with my fingers. Mama would be struck down by apoplexy if she could see me now. The pie is delicious. It is full of jelly and meat juices that dribble down my chin, and creamy slices of potato and salted bacon. I swallow great mouthfuls of it and am thinking of cutting another slice when I hear voices in the kitchen. I am sure it will be no one of any importance, at least no one who will report me to Mama. But I decide to stay where I am just in case. And besides, I want more pie.

  The voices in the kitchen are low and furtive. I wonder if the girl by the fire will tell the newcomer that I’m in the larder. I quickly fill my mouth with pie. ‘The mistress is in a right state tonight,’ says one of the voices. ‘By all accounts, she is upset beyond reason by Lady Egerton’s mishap. Though why she should take on so, I really don’t know.’ I stop chewing and move closer to the door. There is the sound of water being sloshed around and the clanking of metal on metal. ‘Hurry up with that, Ivy,’ says the voice. ‘I want to get to my bed before midnight, if you don’t mind.’

  I am curious. What mishap are they talking about? I stay still – listening – but nothing more is said. Brushing pastry crumbs from the corners of my mouth, I go back into the kitchen. The girl is still there, on her own, wiping around the inside of an enormous copper pan. She looks to the floor as I walk by. I hope she doesn’t get the blame for the missing slices of pie.

  I tiptoe through the house, my ears straining to every creak and knock. My heart hangs motionless for a moment as I walk past Mama’s room to get to Eli’s. There is a flickering sliver of light coming from the gap under her door and a whiff of fusty lavender. I hold my breath until I get to Eli’s room, then I tap my fingers lightly on the door – thrice, then twice, then once, like we used to when we were children. I wriggle my toes in expectation and wait. ‘Is that you, Alice?’ I hear him whisper. I tap again and Eli opens the door and beckons me inside. He looks at me warily. ‘What are you doing?’ he asks as soon as he’s closed the door behind us. ‘Why are you not in your room?’

  ‘I was just looking for Mama,’ I tell him. ‘I have not seen her since this morning.’

  ‘No,’ he says slowly. ‘She was very distressed earlier when Lady Egerton failed to keep her appointment. She has been in her room ever since.’

  ‘But I saw Lady Egerton’s carriage arrive,’ I tell Eli.

  ‘It was a servant who came in the carriage,’ said Eli. ‘To pass on the news of Lady Egerton’s accident.’

  ‘What accident?’ I ask.

  ‘She tripped on her petticoats and fell down the stairs at Bridgwater Hall. I believe she has broken her ankle.’

  I catch my breath and reach out to a nearby chest of drawers to steady myself.

  ‘What’s the matter, Alice?’ says Eli. ‘You’ve gone quite pale.’

  ‘It’s nothing,’ I manage to reply. ‘Just these hideous stays. They rob me of my breath sometimes.’

  Eli colours slightly. ‘The perils of being a woman,’ he murmurs. Then he frowns. ‘Maybe I should check on Mama. It’s unusual for her to have kept to her room for so long.’

  ‘No, no,’ I say. ‘Don’t do that. I am sure she is fine. Wait for the morning, Eli. Let her rest.’

  He looks at me and narrows his eyes. ‘You will not take advantage of the situation, will you Alice?’

  I shake my head.

  ‘You will go straight back to your room and do as you are supposed to do?’

  ‘Of course I will! What do you think of me?’

  ‘You know quite well what I think of you, Alice. You are my sister and I love you, but I wish you would not cause Mama so much heartache.’

  Sometimes I want to hit my brother hard in the face. Maybe the pain of a bloody nose would open his eyes to the truth. ‘Don’t worry,’ I say instead. ‘I’m going. Back to my room.’

  Eli smiles at me. ‘I’m glad to hear it, little sister,’ he says. He leans towards me and kisses me tentatively on the cheek. ‘You should learn to trust Mama. She knows what is best for you.’

  Usually, I would snort with derision at his remark and ask him how he can be so foolish as to believe that, but I am desperate to be on my own so I can think about the miracle that has just happened.

  Back in my room, I take a candle and stand in front of the mirror. I stare into my eyes. I stare for so long that all around me blurs into misty shapes and colours. Only my eyes remain clear: dark and shining; floating in the candlelit mirror. I put the palms of my hands on the glass to stop them from shaking. My wishes have never come true before. What did I do that was so different this time? I look deep into my eyes once more, trying to see if something has changed. I see nothing but a long, empty darkness. Then my breath, heavy with expectation, mists the glass, so I walk away and go to my bed instead.

  It is late now; I feel how the air in my room has cooled. Mama will certainly not come now. I am free to do as I like. But, strangely, this unexpected gift of liberty has me at a loss as to what to do next. I pace the room for a while, thinking of Lady Egerton and her broken ankle. I need to wish again, I decide. It’s the only way I will ever know for sure that her mishap was of my doing. I need to test myself. A small wish. Just to see.

  But there are so many things to wish for. Where do I begin? I pick up my journal and flick through the pages.

  I could wish for a horse of my own so I could ride out on the moors with Eli.

  I could wish for Papa to see the truth of what is under his nose.

  I could wish for him to stand up to Mama.

  I could wish to be allowed to study the things that Eli studies.

  I could wish never to have to complete another piece of embroidery.

  I could wish for Mama never to hurt me again.

  My mind races with all the possibilities. There is so much that I wish for that I cannot decide where to begin.

  I sit on the edge of my bed, and as always, my stays take my breath away with their steel grip. Just one night, I think. What bliss it would be to have one night when my body is not tortured by Mama’s ambitions.

  I hear a small cough from the room next door. Lillie is safe in her bed. No one will know. I can easily remove the stays myself, and if I am careful to tighten them as much as I can in the morning, who will be any the wiser?

  I push my nightgown up over my hips and reach my hands around to the knot of laces at the back of my stays. I pick and pick at the knot, until it eventually loosens and I am slowly able to pull the stays apart. I gasp out loud at the aching relief. After a moment, when I have got used to being able to breathe normally again, I stand and peel the loosened stays from my body. Then I step out of them and kick them across the floor.

  I run my hands over my body where the stays have kept it prisoner. My skin is sore and bruised and as I lift my nightgown and chemise, I see the steel bones have left deep red marks. Suddenly, a hot rage ignites inside me and before I know what I am doing, I have taken the stays from the floor and pushed them into the fireplace. They are immediately smudged and streaked with old ashes. I take my candle and with shaking hands hold the flame to the stiff fabric. It singes but will not catch. I look around my room desperately, for something that will help set the flames. Seizing my journal again, I rip some clean pages from the back of it and then crumple them into the fireplace. The pages soon burn and, wi
th them, the stays at last burn too. I watch the flames turn blue and green, and listen to the sizzle and cracks until there is nothing left in the grate but steel bones: twisted and strange like some monstrous carcass. My rage dies with the flames; I blink hard as if waking from a dream and look in horror at what I have done.

  I hug my knees tightly. Suddenly I am afraid, very afraid. I cannot imagine what Mama will do to me now. My eyes are drawn to the three small scars on my forearm: ragged circles of pale skin, each one the size of a threepenny bit. I remember, it was my eighth birthday and Papa had given me a book as a gift. ‘You can read well enough now,’ he had said proudly. It was a beautiful book, bound in soft buttery leather. I read the words on the front cover, Household Tales, The Brothers Grimm, and a shiver of terrified delight ran through me as I weighed the book carefully in my hands, sensing the power of the stories that lay within. A book! All of my very own.

  But Mama had been furious, and had snatched the book from me before I had even opened a page. ‘How could you, Arthur?’ she had raged. ‘This is not suitable reading for a girl! Especially not for Alice.’ She threw the book onto the drawing room table and Papa raised his eyebrow to me in apology. ‘I forbid you to read it,’ said Mama. ‘Do you understand me, Alice?’

  I nodded at her mutely, but I already knew I would disobey. The book was my gift. It sat there on the table, all fat and stretched tight with hidden treasures. My fingers itched to turn the pages.

  I waited until after dark, when the house had stilled and I was sure everyone was asleep. Lighting a candle, I crept from my chamber through the shadowy house until I was back in the drawing room. There was my book – still on the table where Mama had left it. I picked it up and caught the sweet scent of leather and ink. It made my heart beat fast. I clutched the book tightly to my nightgown and padded back to my chamber as quickly as I could, the flame of my candle dancing nervously across the walls. I clambered back into bed and placed the candle on the table beside me. I laid the book on my lap and when I had recovered my breath and my heart had stopped racing, I ran my hands over the cover, feeling how each letter sank into the leather and I could read the meaning with just my small fingers. I balanced the book on my raised knees to be closer to the candle flame, and then I opened the cover and smoothed the pages inside. The paper, yellowed by candlelight, was thick and as crisp as bread crusts. Words danced in front of my eyes and my mouth began to water as I started to read.