The Beloved

by Alison Rattle

  He sits back in his chair and crosses his legs. Then he takes a cigar from an inside pocket and runs it under his nose. ‘Delightful!’ he sighs. He points the cigar towards the fire and glances up at me. ‘Would you?’

  I am confused for a moment. But then I notice the jar of spills on the mantelpiece. I take one and hold it into the centre of the fire. When it catches, I turn back to him and hold the flame to his cigar. But I am shaking so much, the flame quivers madly and he has to hold my hand to steady it.

  He blows a plume of scented smoke into the air.

  ‘Thank you, Alice,’ he says. ‘You may go now. But tomorrow you will travel with me. We are to go to Bath to spread the teachings. We will leave just after dawn, so please be ready.’ He leans back in his chair and sucks deeply on his cigar.

  My insides are burning as hot as the spitting fire and my lips, where he kissed me, are bruised and throbbing. I toss the used spill onto the fire, and then I walk from the room as though in a dream. I wander across the courtyard with no mind to where I am going. All I know is that something miraculous has just happened. He has forgiven me everything. I told him my secrets and he forgave them all.

  Bad Alice has gone, kissed away by God himself.

  I touch my lips with my fingertips. No one has ever kissed me there before. Only Eli or Papa has ever kissed me at all, but on my cheeks or on the top of my head. It is a wonder, I think. Our Beloved must love me very much to kiss me on the lips. I want to tell someone how wonderful I feel, how astonishing it is to have all the darkness driven away and to be left as spotless and fresh as a newly laundered sheet.

  I find Beth outside one of the cottages, on her hands and knees scrubbing the front step. As I walk towards her she sits back on her heels and stretches her back. She glances up at me, but then quickly looks away. Before I can reach her, she has risen to her feet and is carrying her brush and pail back inside the cottage. ‘Beth!’ I call out. ‘Wait a moment!’ She doesn’t stop, and when I catch up with her, she is in the scullery emptying the pail of dirty water down the sink.

  ‘Leave me be,’ she says, before I have a chance to say anything. She clanks the pail to the floor and begins to scrub the sink furiously.

  ‘What is wrong, Beth?’ I ask. ‘Has something upset you?’

  ‘Nothing that is any business of yours,’ she answers tersely.

  Her words smack me in the face, like a jug of cold water.

  ‘But … but what has happened?’ I try again. ‘Why are you being like this?’

  She sucks in a breath between clenched teeth and throws the brush into the sink. Then she whips around and glares at me. ‘What were you doing in the mansion, Alice? What did he want with you?’

  It is a strange question, but I suddenly understand why she is acting like this. I can almost see the green tinge of envy blooming along the set line of her jaw.

  ‘I had to go to him, Beth,’ I say gently. ‘He asked for me.’

  ‘Why?’ she asks. ‘What did he want?’

  I sigh. ‘Do not be like this, Beth,’ I say. ‘He loves you too. We are all his children. You told me so yourself.’

  She picks up the brush and starts scrubbing at the sink again. There is a horrible silence between us then. The moments pass and I cannot bear it any longer.

  ‘I am to go with him tomorrow, to Bath,’ I say carefully. ‘Perhaps you could ask to come too?’

  She stops her scrubbing and there is another moment of silence. Then she turns to me and suddenly she is all smiles. ‘No, Alice,’ she says. ‘There is no need for me to ask. It is your turn now. And I am glad for you.’

  She wipes her hands on her apron and throws me a last tight smile before she turns and walks away.

  It is cold in the scullery and I rub my arms where they have goose pimpled. Where I was shining before, now I am tarnished. Because I know, that despite what she said, Beth is not glad for me at all.

  Thirty-three

  It is still dark when I rise the following morning. I slept only lightly, not wanting to sleep on and be late for Our Beloved. I am tired and jittery but my heart is banging away with the thought that soon I will be with him for the whole day or more. I know Beth cannot bear the thought of that. She was restless in the night too, tossing and turning for hours, as though she was struggling in some nightmare. Then she woke and scrambled over me and pulled the pot out from under the bed to heave into. ‘Can I help?’ I whispered to her. ‘Are you ill? Shall I fetch you some water?’

  ‘I’m fine,’ she snapped. ‘Go back to sleep.’ She crawled back into bed and curled into herself. I don’t understand why she is so angry with me. I have done nothing but worship Our Beloved, just as she does and just as everybody else does.

  I thought that perhaps there was something else nagging at Beth, so I reached out my hand and stroked her back in small comforting circles. Everything will be all right in the morning, I whispered to her. She said nothing in reply, but she let me keep my hand where it was. And that was something at least.

  Beth doesn’t murmur when I ease myself out of bed and pull on my clothes. But she is awake. I know she is. I can tell by the way her breaths are so shallow and uneven. She doesn’t wish me a safe journey or even turn to say goodbye. So be it, I think. Let her stew in her own juices.

  I have borrowed a hooded cloak and I wrap it around myself as I step out into the cold dawn. Agatha has harnessed the two horses to the brougham, lit the lamps and taken her position on the driver’s seat. Our Beloved sweeps out of the mansion and I open the brougham door for him. As he brushes past me, the smell of him, warm from his bed, sets my skin tingling. While he settles in the carriage, I walk ahead with May to help with the gates. We swing them open and wait while Agatha drives the horses through. Then I jump up onto the dickey box next to Agatha and wave to May as she closes the gates behind us.

  Out in the lane, the quiet of the hour unsettles me, and without the walls of the Abode to protect me, I feel I have been stripped naked. I pull my cloak around me as tightly as I can, and watch how my breath clouds in front of my face.

  There is no one about at this hour and nothing much to see, save for the shadows of trees and the grey outlines of the few scattered cottages in the village. The carriage bumps over the rough ground and I hold tight to my seat to stop myself from slipping. It is going to be a long journey.

  There is a faint ribbon of pink light stretched across the horizon and I fix my eyes upon it and watch as it turns gradually to scarlet. We pass through small hamlets and by a silvery snaking river and lonely farmhouses. I think of George and Ada and their kindly faces and how good they were to me. I promise myself I will find them again, one day soon. I will tell them of Our Beloved and of the coming Day of Reckoning, and I will bring them back to the Abode with me so they too can be saved.

  I wonder, would Eli listen? Or Mama? I imagine the looks on their faces if they were to see me standing next to Our Beloved as he spread his teachings. Mama would choke on her own tongue, I think. And Eli would follow behind her to catch her when she swooned. They would never listen to me, or to Our Beloved. And Eli could never worship anyone other than Mama.

  The sky has lifted now. But the day is grimy and damp. Mournful crows group on bare branches or stand shrieking in the middle of bare fields. At least it is not raining. I pull my hood further over my head so it catches the warmth of my breath.

  Agatha has gloves to keep her fingers warm and a thick rug tucked around her knees. I am sorry I did not think to do the same. I watch how she holds the reins so easy between her fingers and how she controls the swaying backs of the horses. She is so skilful that I think I was wrong about her when I imagined her life before. Instead of escaping from the grip of a murderous husband, I think now, that perhaps she lived as a man. She was a farmhand, and slept in a stable, pressed up against the warm flanks of a horse. Perhaps she slaughtered the pigs and drove the farm wagon to market. And perhaps she earned her scar in a drunken brawl at a country dance. I smile t
o myself. I wonder what she would say if she knew what I was thinking?

  I sneak a glance at her, but she catches me looking and takes it as an invitation to talk.

  ‘There’s the Tor over there,’ she shouts over the racket of wheels and hooves. I look to my left and see the tower-topped hill in the distance, rising up majestically from the Levels. I have heard of the town of Glastonbury and the mystical Tor, where once an abbot and his monks were hanged on a gallows, and I am all eyes now to see it. Agatha tells me it is possible to climb to the very top of the Tor and that the view from the top is the best you could ever wish to see.

  Glastonbury is a small town, but very smart-looking. The houses are of a good size and the main street is bustling with traders. We pass by a bootmaker’s, a draper’s, a chandler’s, a cooper’s and then a staymaker’s. I flinch when I see that one, and I cannot help but rub at my wrists.

  At the bottom of the main street, the road winds around to the left and we drive by a huge jagged stone ruin that Agatha tells me was once an ancient abbey. I am more taken by the sight of the Abbots Inn, which sits squat and inviting by the side of the road. But we drive straight past it. My stomach rumbles and I wonder when we will stop for refreshment.

  We journey on, leaving the Tor behind us. We pass through a village called West Pennard and through a wood so thick it blocks out the sky. By now, I feel faint from lack of nourishment and sore from the constant jolts and bumps of the carriage and the strain of holding tight to my seat. ‘Will we stop soon?’ I shout to Agatha.

  ‘Shortly!’ she shouts back. ‘When we reach Shepton Mallet.’

  We roll through another sleepy village, and my eyes grow heavy and my chin falls to my chest. Then suddenly, Agatha is pulling back on the reins and I lift my head to see the welcome sight of a large white painted inn bearing the name of The Highwayman.

  It is good to stretch my legs. I walk up and down the grass verge while Our Beloved disappears into the inn and Agatha organises water for the horses. There is a wooden bench outside the door to the inn and when Agatha brings out two glasses of beer and some bread and cheese, we sit there and eat our meal in hungry silence. Agatha sighs and wipes her mouth with the back of her hand. ‘It’s all talk of witches in there,’ she says eventually, nodding her head towards the inn door. My eyes widen as Agatha tells me that a local woman has just been sent to the house of correction for putting a spell on a poor farmer’s wife. ‘Gave her a box, she did, with a painting of the Devil inside, some strange verse and the legs of toads.’

  The wind has risen now and crows are circling the chimney pots of the inn. I am glad when Our Beloved climbs back into the carriage and we can be on our way.

  It is mid-afternoon by the time we reach the outskirts of Bath. The city lies below us and from where I am sitting, high up on the dickey box, it looks like a giant bowl of smoke, confusion and honey-coloured buildings. As we draw nearer, the road becomes busier and soon Agatha is battling through a swarm of carts, omnibuses, carriages and people. The noise is overwhelming: the tremendous racket of wheels rattling over the pitted road, the heavy rumble of carts, the beat of footsteps, the shouts of hawkers, and the ringing of bells. But it is the stench that surprises me the most. Bridgwater was not the sweetest of towns, but here the air is thick with the smells of gas, coke, sweat and the stink of rotting meat. But for all that, I feel a flickering in my stomach, a thrill as sharp as a needle and the delicious promise of the unknown.

  We leave the horses and brougham in the care of a groom in the courtyard of a small hostelry named the Saracen’s Head. It is where Our Beloved stays when in Bath, Agatha tells me. He is friends with the proprietor and there is always a ready and warm welcome for him.

  I am travel-weary and dazed by it all, but there is no time to rest. Our Beloved emerges from the carriage looking as fresh as if he had slept the whole journey on a feather pillow. He hands me a wooden box to carry and tells Agatha and me that he wants to fill the remaining hours of the day with teachings. ‘There are souls out there waiting to be saved,’ he says. I follow him closely, petrified of getting lost in the hustle and bustle. But he is so broad and tall, and he slices through the crowds as easily as a knife through butter, that soon I am just happy to watch the elegant sway of his back and the way that people stop in their tracks and turn to watch him pass.

  We make our way to the very heart of the city. The buildings are beautiful here. They are built of soft yellow stone with rows of columns holding up roofs that drip with fancy carvings. The thin October sun washes over the spires of the looming Abbey, turning the stone from yellow to golden. I have never seen such a place before and I twirl on my heels breathing in the wonder of it all.

  I set the wooden box in the middle of the Abbey churchyard, which is more like a busy town square. It is filled with fashionable ladies and gentlemen wearing well-brushed hats and glossy boots. They are all admiring the beauty of the Abbey and listening to the faint strains of orchestral music that is seeping out from inside.

  Our Beloved slips off his shoes and climbs onto the box. He looks magnificent. His dark frock coat and the blackness of his hair is a shock against the mellow backdrop of the Abbey. I clasp my hands to my chest and listen as his powerful voice booms out across the churchyard.

  A crowd gathers at once. I feel so proud, that I am tempted to shout out and tell them all that I already belong to him, that I am already saved and that they should listen carefully if they want the same thing for themselves.

  Instead, I watch their faces. I see how some of them stand with their mouths open and their brows furrowed. I see how some whisper to each other and quickly walk away. I see how some of them laugh, as if they are watching a tumbler or a clown from a circus. As some people walk away, others take their place. But none stay for long.

  Gradually, the crowd thins until there is only me and Agatha left. But Our Beloved carries on preaching regardless. My heart aches for him. If there was only one soul for him to save, just one, it would make all his effort worthwhile. I look around, desperate to help. A gentleman in a green coat is strolling by. He is not taking a blind bit of notice of Our Beloved. How dare he, I think. How dare he not even spare a moment of his time. I run after the man and tug on his sleeve. He whirls around, grabbing my wrist as he does.

  ‘Try to lift my purse, would you?’ he splutters.

  ‘I would not!’ I say, fury stinging my cheeks. ‘Do I look like a pickpocket?’

  The man glares at me. ‘Well, who are you then?’ he asks, pulling down the cuffs of his coat. ‘What do you want with me?’

  I plant my hands on my hips and stare him straight in the eyes. ‘The Day of Reckoning is coming,’ I say. ‘Do you think you will be saved?’

  He rolls his eyes. ‘What are you talking about?’

  ‘Why don’t you listen to him?’ I say, nodding towards Our Beloved. ‘He saved me. He could save you too.’

  The man looks over my shoulder towards Our Beloved. ‘Him?’ he says.

  I nod. ‘Yes. Just stay awhile and listen.’

  The man snorts. Then without any warning, he spits at my feet and strides away.

  I look down at the glistening gobbet, and I shudder. He has the Devil in him, I think. I watch his back disappearing into the distance and the hairs rise on the back of my neck.

  ‘What are you doing, Alice?’ Suddenly, Our Beloved is by my side and his voice is hot in my ear. I turn to him and see how his eyes are glinting with anger. My stomach drops.

  ‘I … I just wanted to make him listen to you,’ I say.

  Our Beloved takes me by the elbow and leads me away, steering me through the fast-darkening streets. Agatha trots behinds us with the box under her arm. ‘I am sorry,’ I say. ‘I am sorry. Have I done something wrong?’

  But he doesn’t answer. And I dare not chance to look at his face, in case the anger is still there. He is taking great strides, and I have to half run to keep the pace. The sights around me pass by in a blur. There is nothing
but my boots skidding over cobbles and muck and the tight grip of his hand on my elbow.

  Finally we reach the Saracen’s Head. The windows glow with warm, yellow light and a great tiredness washes over me. I long for a soft pillow and clean sheets. We stop and Our Beloved spins me around to face him. I am breathless from the walk, but he is calm and unflustered. ‘Never do that again, Alice,’ he says fiercely. ‘It is for me to save souls. Not you. Do you understand?’

  I nod meekly. But I do not understand at all, and I am overcome by a dreadful disappointment, something that I haven’t felt since I was a small child trying my best to please Mama. ‘I am sorry,’ I say. ‘I only wanted to help.’

  He looks at me carefully, as if he is trying to make a decision. I can’t bear it. I can’t bear it if he thinks badly of me.

  Then he sighs and turns away from me, as though I am not there any more. ‘We have had a long and tiring day,’ he says. ‘We will eat now and then we will rest.’

  He walks into the belly of the inn and Agatha beckons me to follow. It is bright inside and the reek of stale beer and old tobacco smoke stings my nostrils. But there are other smells too, of roasted meats and gravy, which make my stomach curdle. We are greeted by a pock-faced man with a slick of grey hair combed over his head. ‘Mr Gantrot,’ says Our Beloved. ‘We are ready for our supper now. And if you could show my companions to their rooms?’

  ‘Of course, of course,’ simpers Mr Gantrot. ‘My wife has already turned the beds down, and I have given you the best rooms, of course. As always.’ He shows Our Beloved to a small table in the corner of the room, where a fire crackles, orange and inviting. ‘Ladies,’ he says to me and Agatha, ‘if you would follow me.’ He takes us to a side room. There is no fire, just a dusty floor and a stained wooden table. ‘My wife will bring you supper,’ he says. ‘Then she will take you to your rooms.’

  I feel like a piece has been torn from my heart. I have disappointed Our Beloved. I have angered him. I have done something wrong. I hold my head in my hands and stare at the stains and gouges in the table top.