by Shelly Bell
“A sex toy virgin, huh? You don’t own a vibrator?” Hannah asked, as if it were a crime for me not to own one.
I could feel myself blushing, and they both laughed. “Come on. It’ll be fun,” Alison promised.
Hannah informed her motorcycle man we would go to the store. Just like that, we were out of the bar and inside a sex toy store.
I’d never seen anything like it. One half of the store advertised lingerie and costumes for the bedroom. Lacy teddies that didn’t cover anything, leather corsets, crotchless panties ... Who would ever want to see me in something like that?
“Can I help you find something?” A saleslady as old as my grandma gestured to the lingerie.
“No—no—I’m not...” I stammered, backing away from the clothing.
I surveyed the room for my friends and found Hannah trying out different kinds of ... whips. I’ll never watch Indiana Jones the same way again.
Alison stared at the wall with an expression of awe. I made my way over to see what had her so mesmerized.
Alison stared at an entire wall filled by vibrators of various sizes, shapes, and colors. They all boasted something different: G-spot stimulation, clitoral stimulation, gyration, multiple speeds, whisper quiet, bullets, waterproof, phylate free, glow in the dark, discreetly-sized, super-sized, bunny shaped, dolphins, butterfly wings, suction cup, double stimulator, triple action, beaded, battery operated, chargeable, silicone, glass, real feeling, and for the environmentally conscious, vegan friendly and sun-powered.
“Can I help you pick out a vibrator?” the same saleslady asked. I think she was following me around the store.
“Yes, my friend is looking for her first one,” Alison announced.
There were too many witnesses in the store, so I’d have to kill her later. I did not need a vibrator. After all, I had gone years without sex.
That was before I knew what it was like to make love to someone who knew what he was doing. I guess if I couldn’t have Adam, I might as well get used to a battery-operated substitute.
I turned to the saleslady and put on a brave face.
“What are you looking for in particular?” the over-tanned and wrinkled saleslady asked. Not what I pictured as a saleslady for a sex toy shop.
“I’m looking for something to make me orgasm,” I declared with a straight face.
Alison couldn’t contain her amusement and laughed out loud.
The saleslady didn’t get I was playing dumb. “We have lots of different vibrators depending on your sexual needs. Do you prefer an easy clitoral stimulation, or do you like a deeper G-spot stim? We also have some that will probe your anus at the same time for triple enjoyment.”
“She’d like one that does both G-spot and clit,” Alison said, biting her lip while giggling. “She’s not into the butt thing.”
The saleslady pulled a purple, waterproof, dual stimulation vibrator off the wall and handed it to me. “This is our most popular model for those just starting to experiment with vibrators. It has a one year warranty.”
What kind of warranty did a vibrator come with? Guaranteed to make you orgasm or your money back?
I had no idea what I liked, but it was only forty dollars. If it helped me stop craving sex with Adam, then it would be money well spent.
“I’ll take it.”
The saleslady took the package over to the counter, while Alison and I went to talk to Hannah. Her Hell’s Angel from the bar, Ron, was standing behind her demonstrating restraints. Lord, what was that girl into?
“See something you like?” I asked Hannah.
She glanced at Ron and smirked. “Definitely.”
The jingle of the front door to the store opening caught my attention. Missy and Lori walked in, smiling and laughing.
“What is it?” Alison asked, following my gaze.
“Missy,” I whispered.
“Go say hello,” she urged.
I forced my feet to move as I made my way to Missy, who was looking at novelties, most likely for a bachelorette party.
“Hi, Missy. Hi, Lori.”
Missy’s mouth dropped open, either because she hadn’t seen me in a while or because she was seeing me in a sex toy shop. Either way, she was definitely shocked.
“Sara ... How are you?” Lori asked.
“I’m doing all right, thanks. And you guys?”
“Good,” Lori said. “I’m going to go see if I can use their bathroom. I’ll be right back.” She left Missy and me to talk for the first time in six months.
“You look good,” Missy started. “Who are you here with?”
“My friends, Hannah and Alison. They’re the ones over by the S&M items.”
Missy shuffled her feet and looked at the floor. Neither one of us knew what to say, and there was an awkward silence.
One of the Twelve Steps is to make amends to those we’ve harmed. I wasn’t on that Step yet, but I believed my Higher Power had different ideas. I couldn’t let this opportunity pass me by.
“I’m sorry, Missy. I’m sorry I took advantage of you. I’m sorry for what I said and for everything. I’m sorry.” I started to cry, but I didn’t get hysterical. I allowed myself to feel the pain and acknowledged it.
“I’m sorry, too. I shouldn’t have blamed you for not having the same feelings about me that I had for you. You’re right. I used you as an excuse to keep myself from getting hurt by putting my heart out there. I wanted to call you so many times, but I didn’t know if you wanted to talk to me.”
“Me, too.” I hugged her. “Are you and Lori an item?” I whispered in her ear.
She grinned and shook her head. “We went on a couple of dates, but there wasn’t any chemistry.” She paused. “I know congratulations are in order. I saw you and Caleb get engaged on TV.”
“We’re not together anymore, but that’s a story for another time,” I said, not wanting to waste our time complaining about my life. “Why don’t I introduce you to my friends?” I brought her over to Hannah and Alison.
“This is Alison and Hannah. And this is Missy.”
“How do you guys know each other?”
“We went to Israel together,” Hannah answered, smiling shyly at Missy. Since when did Hannah act shy?
“You went to Israel? I want to hear all about it.”
“Why don’t we meet at our coffee shop tomorrow morning around eight?”
“You, up at eight? What happened to the girl I used to know?”
“I grew up.”
Missy nodded in understanding. We had both grown and changed in these last months. I didn’t know if we’d have the same friendship as before, but I felt confident Missy would remain a part of my life.
The saleslady returned to our side. “Would you like some cleaning solution for your purchase?”
Missy’s eyes opened wide. “You’re getting a sex toy?”
“A lot’s changed since we’ve last talked.”
“We thought it was about time that Sara got over Adam.” Hannah chuckled, while touching Missy on her shoulder.
“Adam? Adam Goldman?” Missy screeched. “I thought you guys couldn’t stand each other! I should have known it was foreplay. I want to hear all the details!”
“I ... we’re not ...” I couldn’t keep the tears from falling.
Alison gave me a hug while Lori returned and asked what she had missed. Alison pointed to the oversize penis substitute I held in my hand, and we all started laughing, including me, which resulted in a case of the hiccups.
“I know you, don’t I?” Lori asked Hannah.
Hannah placed her hands on her hips and tilted her head in contemplation.
“I got it! We hooked up once at that club with the cages!” Hannah said.
Confused, I turned to Alison.
“She’s bi,” Alison explained.
Missy seemed very pleased to hear this tidbit of information and it occurred to me Hannah had been lightly flirting with Missy earlier.
How would I feel i
f Hannah and Missy became a couple? The old Sara would have been jealous, but the new Sara wanted both of them to be happy and if it worked out between them, I’d be thrilled. As if she could read my mind, Alison smiled and nodded.
I paid for my brand new vibrator, and we all went out for coffee, leaving Ron behind. Hannah and Missy sat next to each other trying to pretend they weren’t sneaking peeks at one another. It was rather cute.
While we drank our coffee, decaf for me, I got a chance to see the changes in Missy. From the outside, she was the same perky blonde, but I no longer recognized her inside. She was softer and quieter, with an air of contentment I envied.
“You’ve lost weight,” Missy commented. “On another diet?”
“No. I’m done with diets.”
“Well, whatever you’re doing, it’s working. Not just your weight, either. You seem, I don’t know what the word is ... peaceful. Like you’re happy with who you are now.”
“I was just thinking the same about you.”
She thought about her next comment before asking, “Are you still trying to get married by thirty?”
I shook my head. “I realize now I can’t force it to happen. When the time is right, I’ll get married. Or not. It no longer matters to me.” That sounded very convincing. I almost believed it, too.
“And Adam? What happened between you two?”
I didn’t want to talk about it, so I told her fast, without taking a breath. “We were both on the same Israel trip. He admitted he’s wanted me for years, told me he loved me, made me admit I loved him, gave me the most amazing sex I’ll ever have, and then confessed he never wants to get married.”
Missy sat, processing everything. “Is that why you ended things? Because he doesn’t want to get married?”
I laughed. “I wish it were that simple. You know how in the Warren Beatty remake of An Affair to Remember they make plans to meet on top of the Empire State Building in six months after they’ve situated their lives?”
She nodded.
“Well, Adam and I agreed if we could make certain changes in our own lives, we would meet at Seth’s Halloween party,” I said wistfully.
“I didn’t know that,” Hannah stated.
I filled them in on what had happened at the airport, finishing with Adam saying goodbye.
My friends had gone completely silent. Missy tapped her fingers on the table.
“Maybe the girl was his sister,” Missy offered helpfully.
“He doesn’t have a sister, but nice try. You don’t have to solve it for me. If it were innocent, he would have called me back. No, he played me. Some things never change.”
Even as she said the words, a part of her clung to the hope it was all one big misunderstanding. She didn’t know for a fact he cheated on her. Maybe there was another explanation.
But why hadn’t he called once he learned she hadn’t gotten engaged? Surely, Seth told him.
Then again, they did agree to give each other three months.
“Are you going to Seth’s party?” Lori asked, interrupting my contemplation.
“Yes. I always go, and this year won’t be any different. I’ve done everything I promised. I’m not going to spend any time wondering if he’ll show or not. It doesn’t matter. He didn’t love me, or at least, he didn’t love me enough.”
All of them sighed, as if thinking about the idea of a happy ever after.
I’d never be so gullible again.
CHAPTER 34
OCTOBER 19, 2012
DETROIT, MICHIGAN
STATUS: SINGLE
Missy and I slowly rediscovered our friendship over the following weeks. I never would have believed we’d feel awkward with each other, but we did. In the six months we’d been apart, we had both undergone significant changes that had altered the way we viewed the world.
She started dating Hannah, and it seemed they were heading toward a serious relationship. Hannah brought out a playfulness in Missy she hadn’t seen in a long time. Sometimes they would join Alison, Lori, and I at the movies or dancing and other times, they chose to go on an official date by themselves.
I began to learn how to be friends with Missy without relying on her for all my decisions. At first I worried about discussing any of my problems with Missy for fear we’d resume our former dysfunctional relationship. Alison taught me that if I had a problem, I could talk about it with Missy without Missy having to solve the problem for me and Missy had learned how to just listen.
I also gave my second to last interview with the Morning show. I told Bethany I honestly didn’t expect to make my birthday deadline. Bethany kindly reminded me I had a free wedding if I did manage to snag someone by February 25. Viewers recommended wedding gowns and sites just in case I got lucky. Most of the time, I didn’t even think about the approaching deadline.
The time came for my ninety-day coin and I volunteered to tell my story at a meeting. I had twenty minutes to divulge to my new network of supportive friends what I was like before I became abstinent, what it’s like now, and how I got here. It sounded really easy until the day arrived and I broke out into hives along with one of my full-blown panic attacks.
Alison gave me a pep talk, but it wouldn’t calm the rising anxiety threatening to consume me. She told me my Higher Power would work through me to reach those that needed His guidance. I prayed for the strength to make it through my talk without saying anything stupid, like at my brother’s wedding.
It’s ironic that I have a fear of public speaking since I’d performed in several plays in my youth and rarely had stage fright. As a psychologist, I had to talk to strangers all the time.
The people in the room with me today weren’t strangers. They were my friends, and each one of them could relate to my story. They welcomed me with open arms into their community and to them I’ll forever be grateful. It was my time to give back.
“My first memory is of me standing on a chair in a hospital, staring out the window and eating an orange Creamsicle. I was two and my mother had had emergency surgery after almost dying when her appendix burst. In those days, patients stayed in the hospital to recover for several days. My grandmother helped to care for me and taught me cookies could temporarily dull the pain of my mother’s absence.
“I was a skinny kid and I didn’t eat a lot, so no one worried about giving me an extra sweet or two. When I got to grade school, my tummy grew bigger and my appetite larger. I ate like a grown adult, plus I constantly craved sweets. I also had ADHD and my parents limited my sugar, claiming it would help lessen my hyperactivity. Instead, I learned how to sneak and hide food.
“I went on my first diet at eight years old. I knew I didn’t look like the other girls with their flat stomachs and palpable ribcage. I found it more difficult to run and climb and eventually I grew to dislike any physical activity. When I lost the weight, I thought the other kids would be nice to me, but nothing changed. I still got teased and picked on and called fat. I wanted to eat a Twinkie for dessert like all the other kids, but my mother packed me fruit. Losing weight didn’t make me any happier. I had one close friend, Missy, and that was it. The other girls reluctantly invited me to their birthday parties, but I always felt like the odd one out, never part of the crowd. As a child, I couldn’t identify my feelings, much less describe them to an adult.
“By my teenage years, I had a full-blown eating disorder. I wavered between starvation and binges, made easier by the cases of chocolate candy bars stored in my bedroom closet that were intended to raise money for my youth group. I sold all the candy bars, but most of them to myself. I had to babysit extra hours to pay for them, just so I didn’t have to admit to my parents I had consumed about six candy bars a day for a month.
“My parents did everything they could to help me. They paid for diets and shrinks, ignored the problem, confronted the problem, restricted my food or allowed me to eat whatever I wanted. My weight was blamed on both my lack of willpower and their failure as my parents.
&nb
sp; “At one point, I weighed over two hundred and fifty pounds. My doctor placed me on medications to control my blood pressure, cholesterol, and sugars. I knew if I maintained my patterns of eating, I’d die from a heart attack or a stroke before I turned forty.
“More importantly, I believed at that weight, I’d never find anyone who would want to marry me and raise kids with me. I joined a diet program through a hospital, which allowed me to lose weight extremely quickly by drinking five shakes a day and eliminating food.
“I lost a lot of weight and quit the diet before maintenance. I got to a comfortable weight. I wasn’t thin by any means, but I got off all the medications my doctor had prescribed for the conditions caused by my obesity.
“Still, I wasn’t happy. I couldn’t stop from feeling like a fraud. Here I counseled young women on self-esteem and no one had lower self-esteem than me. I wasn’t honest with myself or with others, pretending I didn’t spend Saturday night’s bingeing and watching television, passing out like an alcoholic and hungover from the binge the following day. Because my weight had stabilized over the last couple of years, I convinced myself I had everything under control, while at the same time, the guilt and shame I carried overwhelmed me. I couldn’t bury my unhappiness anymore.
“Some of you may know last February, my younger brother got married. I got drunk and admitted to a room full of people I was jealous of him. For the first time, I was honest. Before I could stop myself, I vowed to get married within the year. Then the media got wind of the story and I agreed to let them chronicle my journey. I put this huge pressure on myself because I couldn’t deal with the fact my brother got married before me. It seems silly now, but when I was in the food, it seemed like the right thing to do.
“Although I didn’t know it at the time, my Higher Power had a plan for me. I’m still not sure exactly what it was, but it sent me to Israel to find true love and back again to lose it, leading to an epiphany. I had hit rock bottom and I had no idea how to dig my way out. I needed help. I needed OA.