by Shelly Bell
“These last few months have taught me I can’t do it alone. That when it comes to food, I have no willpower, and that’s okay. Because now, I have placed myself in the hands of my Higher Power, and my compulsion to overeat has been lifted.
“Am I happy? I wish I could say I am, but I refuse to be dishonest. I’m not happy, and that’s all right. My unhappiness won’t kill me, but my overeating to deal with my unhappiness would have killed me eventually. I’ve learned to live with my unhappiness. You know what? It’s not that bad. I’m content with my life. I believe that, someday, I will be happy.
“For the first time in my life, I love myself. I don’t need anyone else to love me or to validate me. I might never get married and if that’s my Higher Power’s wish, then I accept it. I’m not going to worry about it anymore. Now, I live in the present. I don’t look back, and I don’t anticipate the future. I take it one day at a time. For now, I’m where I need to be. Thank you.”
Everyone clapped, and I breathed a sigh of relief. I hadn’t realized it, but I never peeked at my notes once during the entire time of my talk. Alison had said my Higher Power would talk through me and that’s exactly how it felt.
After the meeting, everyone gave me a hug. For the first time, I felt like I belonged. I was no longer an outsider looking in. I was connected to these people and people all over the world through our OA community. I would never be alone again.
“Now that you have ninety days under your belt, you’re ready to begin Step Nine. It’s time to make amends,” Alison informed me.
“I haven’t finished Step Six yet. Shouldn’t I take the Steps in order?” I asked nervously.
The Ninth Step required me to make amends to those I’ve harmed. My list of those I’ve hurt might not be that long, but it required me to speak to those I’ve worked very hard to avoid. Like Caleb.
“Most people aren’t working on a deadline like you are, Sara,” Alison said, smirking while she filed her nails. She had the longest nails of anyone I knew and she constantly shaped them with a nail file. My guess is she needed to keep her hands busy.
“Deadline. What deadline?”
“Let’s see now ... In two weeks you’ll be going to your brother’s party where you might face Adam. Or you won’t. Either way, you’ll have to deal with it and I want you prepared. You need to talk to Missy and Caleb. I’m giving you twelve days to do it. Then if Adam is at the party, you’ll have put the past behind you and you’ll be ready to move on. If he’s not at the party, I want you to call him and make your amends.”
Oh, crap.
CHAPTER 35
OCTOBER 20, 2012
DETROIT, MICHIGAN
“What did you need to speak to me about?” Missy asked as we waited for our drinks at our coffee shop.
I contemplated what I needed to say to her and I hoped she’d still want to be friends with me after. My goal was to make amends without hurting her in the process. After writing it on paper several different ways, I decided I couldn’t prepare for what I had to say.
“I’ve been working the Twelve Steps through Overeaters Anonymous. Are you familiar with it?”
We got our drinks and sat at the same table I had sat with Adam all those months ago when he gave me legal advice on my contract with the Morning show. He never did bill me for it.
“It’s like Alcoholics Anonymous only for food addicts, right? There’s a show on TV where the characters met at one of the meetings.”
Really? Hmm, I’d have to check that out.
“Yeah. Anyway, I’ve been working the Steps for the last three months and I’ve come to the part where I need to make amends to those I hurt. You’re number one on my list.” I felt my hands shaking as I tried to lift the cup of coffee to my lips. Maybe I should have ordered decaf today.
“I’m honored to be the first on your list, but, Sara, you don’t have anything to make amends for anymore. You already apologized,” she reminded me. Missy seemed uncomfortable, and I knew she worried as much as I did about where our conversation would lead us.
I took a deep breath in an attempt to lessen my anxiety and silently prayed for the strength to make my amends. A few moments later, a feeling of peace washed over me and I acknowledged the signal from my Higher Power to begin.
“I don’t know if I consciously knew you were in love with me, but I think subconsciously I did. I took advantage of that fact. I liked having someone who loved me and supported me,” I started.
“Well who wouldn’t?” Missy added, her lips quivering from unshed tears.
“You’re right. We all want someone to love us, but most of us can stand on our own two feet if we don’t. I didn’t have the power to be alone. I was afraid of what I really felt inside and pushed it all down with food. As a result, I hurt you, my best friend. I let you take care of me and put my needs in front of your own. I kept telling myself I’d talk to you about it, but I never did because I was afraid.” I stopped, trying to catch my breath. I always talked too fast when I was nervous. Missy knew that about me.
“Why were you afraid?” she asked, sounding confused.
Understandable, since I confused myself most of the time.
“I was afraid if I reminded you to put yourself first you wouldn’t want to be friends with me anymore. You’d find someone else to love and you wouldn’t need me. You wouldn’t be there to take care of me. I was selfish and I hurt you. I never wanted to hurt you,” I cried.
I pulled a tissue out of my purse. Since I no longer repressed my emotions, I cried a lot more.
“You didn’t do it on purpose, Sara. I know that now. You were right. I used you as an excuse not to put myself out there. I thought it was my job to take care of you and I convinced myself I was in love with you, but I wasn’t ... at least not romantically. I felt safe with you and I never felt safe with anyone else. Not even my own family,” she revealed.
Missy was never close with her parents and even though we’d been friends for twenty years, I didn’t know much about them. She always played at my house when we were kids and never invited me over. Her parents were older than mine and she had said because of their advanced age, they weren’t able to relate to her. They were always nice to me, especially her father, complimenting me on my new dress or congratulating me on my achievements. I never understood why Missy had such a problem with them and since I was so wrapped up in my own stuff, I rarely bothered to inquire into her home life. Now I wondered if there was more to the story.
“Do you want to tell me why you never felt safe with your family?”
She shook her head. “No, I don’t want to talk about them. Maybe someday, but not today.”
At least I’d opened the door for her to discuss it with me. Now she had the choice whether to walk through it.
“I know we can’t go back to how it was before, but I want you to know, I still think of you as my best friend and I always will. Although the days of you taking care of me are over.”
I sat back in my chair, noticing the subtle changes in her appearance. “You seem different.”
“Really? How?”
“You’re glowing ... almost like when ... oh my God!” I waited for her to confirm my suspicions, but she just sat there, enjoying my excitement.
“You’re pregnant!”
She nodded slowly, her smile the loveliest sight I had seen in a very long time.
“How?”
“I thought we learned about the birds and the bees together in the third grade,” she teased.
“Missy!” I screamed and everyone in the shop stopped to stare at us. I didn’t care if I made a fool out of myself.
“I decided I wanted to have a baby. I found a baby daddy and voilà, we made a baby. My due date is April first, April Fool’s day, ironically.”
Missy had had sex with a guy? I didn’t know what to say to that admission. Instead, I kept it simple. “Mazel Tov. I’m happy for you.”
“You think you’re ready to be an aunt and godmother?”
Damn, she made me start crying again.
“Hey, I’m the one with all those hormones surging through me. Why are you crying?” She laughed.
“I cry a lot if you hadn’t noticed. One of the side effects of letting myself feel things for a change.”
“Well it’s a good change, Sara.”
“Missy, who’s the father, if you don’t mind me asking?”
“I want to tell you, really I do, but I haven’t told him yet. As soon as I do, I’ll let you know.”
“Do I know him?”
She nodded yes and bit the inside of her cheek. I could tell it was killing her to keep it from me.
“It’s not Adam, is it?” I said, only half-joking.
Missy appeared mortified. “No! It’s not Adam’s.”
“Did the father know you wanted to get pregnant?”
“No,” she admitted. “I don’t expect him to want to participate in raising my child. That’s why I chose him.”
“What about Hannah? Does she know you’re pregnant?”
“She does. It’s hard to hide it from her since she sees me naked all the time,” she announced, causing me to blush.
“Is she going to help you raise the baby?”
“We’re taking it one day at a time, as you Twelve Steppers say. Right now we’re just discovering if we have potential. Neither one of us has been in a serious relationship, plus she’s bisexual which complicates things a little.”
I didn’t see how Hannah being bisexual was a problem. If you’re in a committed relationship, then you’re committed, no matter what gender.
“If you need anything from me, don’t hesitate to ask. I’ll be here for you, Missy.”
“Thank you.” She gave me a bright smile. Pregnancy really did suit her.
“I hope everything works out the way you planned, but I’ve learned it rarely does. Sometimes fate has other ideas for us,” I commented, thinking about my own foiled plans.
“Well one thing is certain.”
“What’s that?”
“I’ll have my best friend by my side.”
“Always, Missy. Always.”
I wasn’t foolish enough to think my attempt to make amends to Caleb would go as smoothly as it had with Missy. Still, it was difficult to hear the bitterness in Caleb’s voice when I called to set up a time when we could meet. In the end, he agreed to see me in the parking lot of the nature preserve where we’d shared our first kiss. Apparently he was planning on going hiking anyway, so I fit into his schedule.
Lucky me.
October is one of my favorite months. There is nothing like Michigan in the fall with its colorful leaves, cider mills, and pumpkin picking. The days are filled with sunshine as the wind carries the fresh brisk air smelling of apples and cinnamon.
I arrived at the parking lot a half hour before I was to meet with Caleb. I wanted to take a short walk through the woods. I loved the sounds of the crunching leaves under my feet. I usually walked with my headphones on, but today, I soaked up the beauty of the afternoon, a feeling of contentment upon me even with the imminent reunion on my mind.
When Caleb drove into the lot, I sat on the hood of my car, leaning back and admiring the blue clear sky. He got out of his vehicle and walked over to me, causing my heart to accelerate from both nervousness and, sadly, arousal. I silently acknowledged my feelings and greeted him with a smile.
“It’s good to see you,” I said, and meant it. I had missed him the last few months.
“What do you want, Sara? I’m meeting someone in twenty minutes,” he informed me, anger in his voice. His eyes gave him away, displaying the underlying pain of seeing me again.
“I came to apologize to you and to take the responsibility for my part in the breakup.”
“Your part? The whole thing was your fault!” he yelled.
I had never seen him so emotional, and I had to fight my urge to both comfort him and defend myself. Neither would be a good idea.
“I’m not here to argue with you. I’m here to make amends, and you can listen, or walk away. It’s up to you.”
He stood clenching and unclenching his fists. “I’m listening.”
“I’m sorry I led you to believe I’d marry you. I wasn’t only lying to you. I lied to myself. I did love you, Caleb. We weren’t right for each other and when I went to Israel, I realized it. I was going to talk to you about it, but you didn’t give me the chance.” I wanted to tell him I didn’t appreciate his surprise proposal at the airport, but I held my tongue.
“Is it because you found someone else in Israel?”
Damn! I didn’t want to lie to him. I also didn’t want to cause him any further pain. I chose to circumvent his question, so I wouldn’t be lying.
“I’m Jewish and you’re Christian. We have different values. Even though I loved you, I couldn’t sacrifice my beliefs for you. I could never feel comfortable having a Christmas tree and going to church once in a while. It’s not who I am. Just like you would have resented sending our children to Hebrew school and paying thousands of dollars for their Bat Mitzvah. We both deserve to be with someone that won’t require us to sacrifice our beliefs. That’s why I knew it wouldn’t work. I should have told you before I went to Israel, but I didn’t want to lose you and I thought by going away, I could escape having to deal with it. Israel just confirmed my suspicions.” Not to mention the fact we weren’t compatible in bed and I was in love with another man, but I didn’t need to tell him that.
His hands unclenched and his jaw relaxed. I had gotten through to him. “We could have worked through our differences in religions, Sara. You didn’t even give it a chance.”
“It wasn’t just our religion, Caleb. My best friend is gay, and she’s a huge part of my life. You were uncomfortable around her. I don’t blame you for it. It’s just who you are and I don’t want to change you.”
He sat next to me on the hood of my car. Part of me panicked we’d dent it, but the rest of me was pleased Caleb felt comfortable enough with me to sit side by side.
“I thought we’d be perfect together. We both wanted to settle down and have kids. We were great in bed together. I thought we had it all.”
I wondered how he could think we had great sex, then I remembered the orgasms I faked. I wasn’t honest with him from so early in our short relationship, he never even knew me. Only one man knew me better than I even knew myself.
Adam.
“I’m sorry. I’m sure you’ll meet the right woman soon. I’ve come to believe although we make mistakes, we have to have faith we’re on the right path,” I counseled. What can I say? The Twelve Steps have consumed my life.
He smiled sheepishly. “Actually, I have a date meeting me here in about five minutes. I met her at the grocery store when she stopped me to congratulate me on my engagement. When I explained you had said no, she felt badly and took me out to dinner to console me. We’ve been together ever since. In a way, if it weren’t for you, I never would have met Lila.”
I was a little jealous he had found happiness so quickly. Still, he deserved to find true love as much as I did. “I’m happy for you, Caleb,” I said and gave him a hug just as a car pulled into the parking lot.
Lila got out of her car, and I could sense she was not happy to find Caleb with another woman. Not surprisingly, she looked a lot like me with dark hair and eyes. The big difference was the cross she wore around her neck.
I slid off the car to give Lila a hug. I gave a lot of hugs now that I was active in OA. She started, but accepted it anyway.
“Hi, Lila, I’m Sara. Caleb told me a lot about you. He’s a great guy, and I’m really happy you two found each other.”
She pulled back and smiled. “I guess I have you to thank for it.”
“No, I think it was meant to be.” I didn’t want to scare her off by mentioning Higher Power or God.
Caleb took Lila’s hand and they gazed lovingly into each other’s eyes.
Time for me to go.
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“You guys have a great time. I’m sure my brother will tell me when you guys get engaged,” I said, and they both blushed. Guess it wouldn’t be long before I heard that announcement.
I got into my car and cranked the music in celebration. I had made amends to the two people that weighed heavily on my conscience. As a result, I felt lighter both metaphorically and literally.
With my burden lifted, I could now figure out what I wanted to do about Adam. I had two days to decide if it was more important to get married or be with the one who made me happy.
In the last three months, I had learned to stand on my own two feet. I could live without Adam. I didn’t want to. I didn’t need a license or a party to validate our love. There were plenty of other ways to show commitment. As long as Adam could promise me forever and children, I should be able to forego marriage. We’d be like Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell. If it worked for them, it can work for us, right?
Yes, I’d be making a sacrifice, but I’d be getting much more in return. I loved him, and he was good for me. Other than the legality of marriage, Adam and I had the same values. We were sexually compatible, which I discovered is something I needed in my relationship.
I didn’t want just anyone.
I wanted Adam.
I hoped he still wanted me.
With that issue resolved, I had only one more problem. I had only two more days to get the perfect Halloween costume.
CHAPTER 36
A Year to Remember Blog
Sara Friedman’s journey to find her soul mate
October 30, 2012 Lions and Tigers and Bears, Oh My!
I’ve spent the last couple of weeks facing my fears. I didn’t realize how many I had until I made myself confront them. Yes, I’ve always known I have a fear of flying (actually, it’s a fear of crashing) and a fear of sharks. I’m talking about those fears hidden deep within the confines of our soul. The ones you don’t acknowledge.