The Kingdon of No Worries

by Roy, Philip;

  Oooom … pah… oooom … pah…

  Oooom … pah… oooom … pah…

  It was more like a coun/try, than a river swamp

  We said we like it but it must be, a de/mo/cra/cy

  With a king/and a flag/and a vote

  We said a de/mo/cra/cy… with a king/and a flag/and a vote.

  They said the land was not owned by/anyone else

  We thought we’d claim it/a country/of all our own

  With a king/and a flag/and a vote.

  People always told us/be careful what you wish for

  And don’t go around/wasting all of your time

  And teachers always told us/be careful not to try

  And be careful what you don’t do/’cause life will pass you by.

  The River King/dom of No Worries

  It’s just a place/we dream for a de/mo/cra/cy

  But the river holds the key

  We dream a de/mo/cra/cy, but the river holds the key.

  The River King/dom of No Worries

  It’s just a place/we dream for a de/mo/cra/cy

  But the river holds the key

  We dream a de/mo/cra/cy, but the river holds the key.

  CHARLIE: “That’s the chorus. I only have two verses so far, and the bridge.”

  ME: “It’s awesome, Charlie. It’s really awesome.”

  CHARLIE: “Thanks. It’s kind of hard to moonwalk on the grass.”

  SAMI: “It’s so cool, Charlie. MJ would be impressed.”

  CHARLIE: “Thanks.”

  ME: “Will everyone have to learn the words?”

  CHARLIE: “Of course. Just like the Canadian anthem.”

  ME: “Yeah, I guess so. But what about the dance moves?”

  SAMI: “No way. Most people can’t dance. They just have to learn the words.”

  CHARLIE: “I think they should learn the dance moves, too.”

  ME: “It’s too hard, Charlie. Not everybody can dance like you. We don’t want to discourage people from joining our country.”

  SAMI: “That’s right.”

  CHARLIE: “Yeah, okay.”

  Charlie sits back down and the three of us just stare at our country for a long time.

  ME: “We should probably go over there and see what it’s like, eh?”

  SAMI: “Definitely.”

  CHARLIE: “I can’t swim.”

  ME: “You can’t swim? But you took all those swimming lessons.”

  CHARLIE: “I know, but I can’t swim.”

  ME: “Then we’ll have to carry you.”

  CHARLIE: “Okay. That sounds good.”

  SAMI: “Are you sure you can’t swim, Charlie?”

  CHARLIE: “I can’t! Honest. Do you want me to drown?”

  Sami and I look at Charlie suspiciously.

  CHARLIE: “You guys have to carry me.”

  SAMI: “Don’t be so smug about it, Charlie. We only have to keep your head above water, you know. We can drag the rest of you through the river.”

  CHARLIE: “If we’re going to take turns being king, then I should go first. That way, when you guys carry me over, you’ll be carrying over the first king, just like in ancient times when kings were carried around in royal chairs. I think we should find a chair.”

  ME: “No way! We’re not carrying you over in a chair, Charlie. We’re kings, too, you know.”

  CHARLIE: “Yeah, but I’m the first king. I really think we should find a chair.”

  SAMI: “Where would we find a chair, Charlie? We’re going to drag you through the river. Be prepared to get wet.”

  Chapter 5

  SAMI CARRIES CHARLIE on his shoulders, I carry the pole and shovel, and we cross the river. It’s an historic moment. Sami’s got our new flag in his backpack, but we haven’t seen it yet.

  CHARLIE: “Don’t drop me.”

  SAMI: “I won’t drop you. Stop wiggling!”

  CHARLIE: “I can’t help it; your strap is invading my crack.”

  SAMI: “Stop wiggling! You’re making me lose my balance.”

  The river rises to our necks, forcing Charlie onto Sami’s head, like a squirrel on top of a bird feeder. There may be shallower spots, but we haven’t found them yet. It’s extremely exciting to take the last few steps out of the river and set foot upon our own brand new country. As soon as Charlie jumps down from Sami’s shoulders, we declare all together: “We claim this land in the name of democracy, and hereby call it the Kingdom of No Worries.”

  Our country is flat, bald, and sandy, but it feels so good beneath our feet. It’s long and narrow, but you can lie down on it and stare up at the clouds, which we do, and at the sun, which moves in and out behind the clouds and seems to smile at us, as if it’s shining down on us with approval. Most kingdoms were probably taken by violent force, but ours is taken without a struggle, and we aren’t putting anybody out of their home. We are simply taking what doesn’t belong to anybody else, and hadn’t even existed before.

  SAMI: “Let’s hang the flag.”

  ME: “Okay.”

  I select a spot close to the centre of the island and dig a hole. Sami pulls the flag out of his pack and ties it to the top of the pole. We sink one end of the pole into the hole, push it up straight, and stand back and stare at the flag.

  CHARLIE: “It’s pink.”

  SAMI: “Yeah.”

  CHARLIE: “How come it’s pink?”

  SAMI: “Pink is the best colour to let everyone know that they are welcome. It’s the colour of tolerance, and … it was the only decent material I could find.”

  ME: “I like it. But what’s on it? We can’t see it because there’s no wind.”

  SAMI: “It’s a sprouted seed. I sewed it on.”

  ME: “A sprouted seed?”

  SAMI: “Yeah.”

  ME: “That’s good, I guess.”

  SAMI: “It’s a symbol for growth.”

  CHARLIE: “I saw it; it looks like a turd.”

  SAMI: “It doesn’t look like a turd.”

  CHARLIE: “It does. It looks like a purple turd with green hair and a pink background.”

  We all stare as the flagpole begins to lean. It leans slowly to one side, then picks up speed, and then smacks flat onto the ground.

  SAMI: “You insulted our flag, Charlie.”

  CHARLIE: “I didn’t insult it.”

  SAMI: “You have to treat it with respect, Charlie.”

  Sami looks at me. I nod my head.

  ME: “You have to treat it with respect, Charlie.”

  CHARLIE: “I didn’t mean any disrespect. Let’s straighten it up.”

  ME: “Okay.”

  SAMI: “Where’d you get this flagpole anyway, Billy? It doesn’t stay up very well.”

  ME: “It’s an old clothesline pole. We just need to dig a deeper hole.”

  We try three more times, but the flagpole won’t stay up in the sandy soil.

  SAMI: “There’s an old flagpole in the woods behind the school, a real flagpole. Why don’t we take it and set it up here properly? I don’t want our flag to hang from a clothesline pole.”

  CHARLIE: “I don’t want a clothesline pole.”

  ME: “Okay. Let’s get it tomorrow and carry it over. That’d be cool: a real flagpole.”

  CHARLIE: “I want a real flagpole.”

  ME: “Okay.”

  CHARLIE: “Let’s sing our anthem.”

  SAMI: “Let’s wait till the flag is flying. We should sing the anthem when we can see the flag.”

  ME: “Agreed.”

  CHARLIE: “Okay.”

  ME: “We should put the name of our country on a sign and hammer it into the ground, too, so people will know what it is.”

  SAMI: “Yeah.”

  CHARLIE: “Okay.”

  ME: “My mom’s got a whole bunch of wooden letters in the garage. I could probably find enough to spell the name of our country. We could nail them onto a board and paint them.”

  SAMI: “Sounds good.”

  C
HARLIE: “Sounds good.”

  ME: “Excellent.”

  The next morning, we meet in the field behind the school. At the back of the field is a woods, with a ditch that’s always dry except during heavy rains. In the ditch is the old flagpole. We have all seen it before. It looks a lot bigger once we stare at it with the intention of carrying it to the river. When we try to lift it, we’re in for a shock. It weighs a ton.

  CHARLIE: “This is impossible.”

  SAMI: “But it’s perfect. Everybody will see our flag for miles. We have to have it. Come on, let’s carry it.”

  ME: “Sami, we can’t carry it. It’s too heavy.”

  CHARLIE: “We’ll all get hernias.”

  ME: “What’s a hernia?”

  CHARLIE: “I don’t know, but it’s from lifting something too heavy, and it’s really bad.”

  SAMI: “Let’s just try.”

  ME: “It’s impossible, Sami.”

  CHARLIE: “I don’t want to get a hernia.”

  ME: “Just a minute you guys.”

  I look around. Some players from the basketball team are practising in the courtyard behind the school. They’re older than us. I recognize Jason Knight, who’s in my sister’s class, and who really likes her. I don’t know why. He’s an athlete; she’s a scholar. She thinks that athletes are born with hairy armpits. But as I watch them jump up and down on the court, I get an idea. Maybe it’s not the smartest idea in the world, but it’s an idea.

  ME: “Let’s ask those guys to carry our flagpole down to the river.”

  CHARLIE: “Why would they do that for us?”

  ME: “I don’t know, I’ll make a deal.”

  CHARLIE: “What deal?”

  ME: “I don’t know. I’ll figure something out.”

  SAMI: “What deal?”

  ME: “Just wait.”

  I run across the field, push open the gate, and enter the court where they are playing basketball. Our quest fills me with a boldness I have never felt before.

  “Hey Jason!”

  They stop jumping. The ball rolls into the fence. Everyone turns and looks at me.

  “What?”

  “Could you guys give us a hand with a flagpole?”

  “What?”

  “We have to carry a flagpole down to the river and we need help. It’s too heavy.”

  “No way. Carry it yourself.”

  They pick up the ball and continue the game.

  “We can’t. It’s too heavy.”

  They ignore me. One of them bumps into me and knocks me down by accident. I pick myself up and keep trying.

  “It’s not that far.”

  “No way.”

  “It’s good exercise. It’ll make you stronger.”

  “You’re in the way.”

  And then, I say it. I don’t plan it; don’t think it through, like whether or not it is a good idea. I just say it.

  “My sister will go out with you if you do.”

  The ball stops again and rolls into the fence. Nobody says anything. Jason comes over and stands in front of me. He’s all sweaty and his muscles are bulging inside his shirt. I wonder if I will ever have muscles like that.

  “She will?”

  “Yes.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Yes.”

  “Okay, show us the pole.”

  They follow me back to the ditch, Jason and four others, where Sami and Charlie are standing around like gremlins who just wandered out of the woods. They look so much smaller all of a sudden. Jason stares at the pole, looks in the direction of the river, and says, “Okay, let’s do this.”

  They grab the pole, pull it out of the ditch as if it’s made of cardboard, and start off at a trot. Sami, Charlie, and I hold on as well, so as to look like we are helping, but we are probably just slowing them down. A few times on the way to the river I catch a glimpse of Sami’s eyes and I know exactly what he’s thinking: these guys would make an awesome army for our kingdom.

  It takes only minutes to get to the river, and a few more for them to carry the flagpole through the water and drop it onto the ground. Then Jason comes close to me and looks me in the eye. He’s a nice guy. Why wouldn’t my sister want to go out with him?

  “Tell her I’ll call her tonight.”

  “Okay.”

  They swim back across the river, run up the bank, and disappear. We watch them go. They look like young lions in the sun.

  SAMI: “What deal did you make?”

  ME: “I don’t know. Nothing.”

  CHARLIE: “What did you say?”

  ME: “Nothing.”

  CHARLIE: “You had to say something. Those guys wouldn’t carry our pole all the way here for nothing. What did you say?”

  SAMI: “What was the deal, Billy? We have a right to know. Tell us.”

  ME: “Okay. I told Jason that Merilee would go out with him.”

  Sami and Charlie stare at me with shocked faces.

  ME: “What? What’s the big deal? She won’t go out with him. He’ll ask her, and she’ll simply say no. What’s the big deal?”

  SAMI: “You’re toast.”

  ME: “No.”

  SAMI: “You are so toast, and you don’t even know it.”

  ME: “What’s the big deal? He’s just going to call her.”

  CHARLIE: “You can stay at my place tonight if you need to.”

  ME: “Why are you guys making such a big deal out of this? It’s fine. My sister won’t mind. She’ll understand when I explain it to her. You guys are acting like it’s my funeral or something.”

  Chapter 6

  IN THE MIDDLE of the night I feel someone enter my room. I wake up and Merilee is standing over my bed.

  “You little shite! You sold me out!”

  “What? What’s that smell? Something smells really bad.”

  “It’s dog poo.”

  I raise my head and see Merilee holding a plastic bag in one hand. She’s wearing rubber gloves.

  “What are you doing with dog poo?” I’m afraid to know.

  “I’m going to smear it on you.”

  “No! Please! Don’t do it!”

  “You sold me out, you little worm. I’m going to shove this dog poo so far up your nose you’re going to smell dogs’ bottoms for the rest of your life and you’re going to like it.”

  “No! Please! Don’t do it! Have mercy!”

  There is an awkward silence while she stands over me. My mind is racing. Merilee is thinking.

  “Don’t do it. I’ll do anything.”

  “Hmmm. Bearing in mind that this will likely traumatize you for life, I am willing to commute your sentence on one condition.”

  “What? Anything! Anything! I’ll do it.”

  “Your allowance for the summer. It’s mine.”

  “My allowance?” I try to imagine the summer without candy, pop, or any new video games. I wonder how much I can borrow from Sami and Charlie.

  “Your allowance. Hurry up and decide. This bag is getting slippery.”

  “For the whole summer?”

  “From right now till school starts. Hurry up!”

  “Uhh … okay!”

  “You agree?”

  “Yes.”

  “Then say it. Say, ‘My allowance is yours until the first day of school.’”

  “My allowance is yours till the first day of school.”

  “And, ‘I will never ever sell out my sister again, so long as I live.’”

  “I will never ever sell out my sister again.”

  “So long as I live.”

  “So long as I live.”

  “Okay. Done. And you’d better remember this or everybody’s going to call you the boy who stinks of dog poo.”

  “I’ll remember.”

  “You’d better. Little worm. I can’t believe you sold me out.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  Merilee leaves the room and I pull the blankets tighter around me. I can still smell dog poo, and even after ten mi
nutes I can still smell it, so I get up, turn on the light, and look under the bed. There isn’t anything there, but I’m sure I can smell it, and I can still smell it when I wake up in the morning.

  We bring two more shovels to the kingdom and take turns digging a deeper hole. Beneath the sandy soil the ground is rocky, and it is a lot of hard work. It’s hot out, and we have to stop often to drink water and eat the peanut butter and jam sandwiches we made at my house. My mom was glad we were going on a hike, which was what I told her, and what Charlie told his parents, but Sami didn’t have to tell anyone because there was no one home.

  Once the hole is deep enough, we shove the big end of the pole into it, then tie a long rope to the top end, and the three of us lean back like in a tug-of-war, and pull with all our strength until the pole stands up more or less straight. It isn’t perfectly straight but it is close enough. Then we fill in the rest of the hole with rocks and sand and pack it down hard by jumping on it.

  Now the pole doesn’t seem so big because the thickest part is in the ground. Sami ties on the flag and pulls it up close to the top with a smaller rope that runs through a pulley. Once the flag is up, a small wind blows it open. It’s awesome! It’s pink with a purple seed and green blades sticking out the top. It looks like a pineapple to me. It is a happy flag.

  Then we sing the anthem. Charlie made copies of the words, and he dances while Sami and I sing. It is another important moment for us, even though Sami and I keep mixing up the words.

  Then we have lunch. While we sit on the ground and eat sandwiches and drink chocolate milk, we watch a canoe come down the river. The people inside are taking pictures, and the canoe keeps winding back and forth from one bank to the other.

  CHARLIE: “Do you think they’ll stop here?”

  ME: “I doubt it.”

  SAMI: “They might.”

  CHARLIE: “We should charge them a toll.”

  ME: “What? Are you serious?”

  CHARLIE: “Dead serious. This is our country. If they want to dock and get out, they should pay a toll.”

  I look at Sami.

  SAMI: “Yeah, they should probably pay a toll.”

  ME: “But they don’t even know it’s a country. We don’t have our sign up yet.”

  SAMI: “Quick! Let’s put up our sign.”

  CHARLIE: “Yeah!”

  ME: “Okay, but I don’t think we should charge them a toll.”

  I pull the wooden letters out of my pack. We nailed wires to them that were made for sticking into the ground. I pull out a hammer and start hammering them into the rocky sand at the top end of the island, where the canoe will probably dock, if they dock. We have just enough letters to spell KINGDOM OF NO WORRIES, all in capitals. I’m still hammering the last letters in when the canoe stops gently at the water’s edge.