Mom’s eyes drifted to her lap. “You want me to apologize,” she guessed.
“I think Aaron and I both deserve one.”
She nodded.
I could feel Aaron’s worried gaze on my face, but I ignored him. I was fine, which I was surprised about. Aaron was the one I was worried for, because he had so much built up anger that he could explode any time. I knew what he was like when that happened, and I didn’t want to get kicked out before I could get what I came here for.
“You’re right,” she agreed softly, clearing her throat. “And I wish that I could have sooner, because the one thing I regret most in my life is not having you two in it. You never really know how empty you are until it feels like the things that make you whole might never be a part of you again. I know what I horrible mother I am, and I’m afraid I’ll never change.”
“This doesn’t sound like an apology,” Aaron snapped coldly.
“Knock it off!” I hissed.
Mom sniffed. “No, he’s right. I’m not trying to avoid saying how sorry I am, I’m just trying to get the past eleven years out on the table so we can talk about them. I don’t want to lose you again. I want to fight for you. I want you both in my life.”
Aaron’s jaw ticked. “If you’re expecting us to tell you we’ll be there for you, you’re wrong.”
I glared at him.
“I clearly speak for myself,” he muttered, meeting my narrowed eyes.
“I don’t expect anything from you,” she promised, looking between us. “I’m never going to push anything on you that you don’t want. I did that enough when you were little, and I regret it. I am so sorry for being so screwed up after your father died. I’d been with him for so long, living without him seemed impossible. Everything seemed like it would never be okay, and to put the amount of pressure on you is the worst thing I ever did.”
“Really?” he doubted. “So getting drunk in front of us and making a complete ass of yourself wasn’t the worst thing you did? What about the time you sliced your wrists in front of me and then bled all over you own fucking daughter while you tried cutting her too!”
I froze in my seat. “What?” I whispered, staring at him.
His fists were clenched so tightly I thought his knuckles were going to pop out of his skin.
What is he talking about?
He looked at me through distant eyes. “I thought you were just pretending to forget, and that was why you wanted to come here today. I mean, how could you really accept that your own mother tried to cut you? She could have killed you, Blair. She wasn’t going after that teddy bear, she was going after you. If I hadn’t gotten you out of there then you would have been next.”
Vile rose in my throat.
“I think I’m going to be sick,” I warned, standing up and bolting toward the trash can. I emptied my stomach, although there was barely anything in there to begin with. My nerves didn’t allow me to eat all morning.
Aaron walked beside me, holding my hair back so it didn’t get puked on.
“I didn’t want to bring it up,” he whispered.
I leaned my weight on him, feeling light headed.
He wrapped his arm around my shoulders, drawing me into the side of him. “Your therapist thought you repressed your memories, because she never said that you brought up that night the way I remember it.”
“She told you about our sessions?” I asked, knowing that was against the law.
He shrugged it off. “You know how persuasive I can get when I want to be. I was worried, and I wanted to know how I could help. She wasn’t very willing to tell me some of the information, but she did after she realized I might be better help than her.”
“Why would she think that?”
“Because it’s true,” he answered honestly. “She knew that you trusted very few people, and the one person you trusted the most was me. We both knew that I was the one person who could help you when you really needed it.”
“Like now?” I asked, leaning my head on his shoulder.
He nodded. “Like always.”
I closed my eyes for a moment, and suddenly, I was back in my childhood bedroom, staring at the one piece of evidence I never saw before.
A large, broken piece of glass with blood dripping from the end.
New images swirled in my bed, including her slicing Teddy apart with the glass. She wasn’t ripping him, she was cutting him. How could I have possibly blocked that from my head this whole time? Something as psychotic as that should have been the one thing I saw in my nightmares every night.
A new hand landed on my shoulder, making me burrow closer to Aaron.
“Blair, please—”
“I think you’ve done enough,” Aaron growled at her.
“I wasn’t stable back then!”
“Nobody who tries to harm their kid will ever be stable,” he fired back, moving me away from her. I had a deja vu moment back to when he kept pushing me away from her when we were kids.
He saved my life.
Two aids and the doctor walked over to us.
“You do realize that the conversation you’re having is bringing up pieces of the past we didn’t know about, right?” one of the aids asked.
“Yes,” Aaron grounded out.
“Harm to a child’s life can get your mother charged, even after all of these years,” the doctor added.
Mom looked at me. “Blair…”
My lips were sewed shut, because if I said one more word to her, I would puke again. I didn’t know what to expect when I came here today, and it certainly wasn’t this. The pleading look in her eyes told me I needed to say something, but my heart knew that sometimes silence was the answer.
“She deserves to be charged,” Aaron told them, pulling me toward the door.
“Blair!” Mom cried. “Please, baby, it was so long ago. I was still sick, and I didn’t know what I was doing—”
“Stop lying!” Aaron yelled back, pulling me behind him, as if she would try to lunge our way.
Mom’s knees buckled, and the two aids caught her as she began to fall on the ground. Aaron shook his head at the sight of her, and pulled me out of the visitation room.
I looked back with wide eyes, knowing this would be the last official time I ever saw my mother again.
I stared at the dark walls, counting the paint chips as I laid awake in bed. Aaron took me to his house right after the trip, watching me closely like I was going to have a meltdown like our mother.
That was the thing though. Seeing our mother made me realize that everybody was right. I would never turn into any version of her, because I would always be stronger.
Once Katie reassured my brother that I wasn’t going to crack, she convinced him to let Nate pick me up. She knew that he would help me get my mind off of my mother, and there was really nothing that could stop me from going with him anyway.
My boyfriend.
After ordering my favorite pizza and watching Dirty Dancing with me for the thousandth time, Nate finally convinced me to go to bed. I wanted the day to end, but I was afraid of what nightmare would wake me tonight knowing the truth. I didn’t want the scene I’d been repressing to replay in my head. Knowing that it actually happened was bad enough.
I didn’t have to worry about it though, because as soon as I fell asleep, I stayed asleep for hours. The only reason I was awake now was because Nate kept pulling the blanket away from me.
And they say women are bad.
“You awake?” he whispered, nuzzling his nose in the back of my neck and kissing it.
I snuggled into my spot. “Yes.”
His body tensed. “Is it because you had another dream? You didn’t say anything in your sleep.”
I shifted and turned over so we were facing each other.
“I didn’t dream.”
He stared at me. “None at all?”
I shook my head, my lips curving into a smile.
He kissed my forehead. “That’s great, B. This is
the first time you haven’t had one, right?”
I thought about it, biting my lip. “Yeah, I guess it is. That’s…weird.”
He stroked my lip with his thumb. “Stop biting your lip before I do,” he warned, watching me with hungry eyes.
I felt my cheeks heat up.
“Don’t you think that’s weird though?”
“Me biting your lip?”
I giggled. “No, about the dreams. I’ve always had them, so what changed? I mean, shouldn’t they be even worse now? I just found out that my mother would have killed me if my brother didn’t stop her.”
I took a deep breath to calm myself down before I started crying.
“Hey,” he replied, softly. “Why question it? The good news is that you’re not having them.”
“It’s only been one night, though,” I pointed out. “I still have the rest of my life to deal with the nightmares. I’ll never want to sleep again.”
“Well if you never want to sleep, then we have more time for…other stuff,” he replied casually, trailing kisses down my jaw.
Goosebumps formed all over my body.
I put my hands on his bare chest, feeling the heat from him soak into my palms. I felt his heartbeat, and counted each beat in my head. It calmed me down.
His lips stopped at my ear. “What are you thinking about?”
Everything.
He nipped my ear. “Are you still thinking?”
I nodded.
His lips trailed down my neck, making me close my eyes.
“Still thinking?”
“Yes,” I whispered.
“Hmm…” he replied. “We can’t have you thinking, now can we?”
I didn’t reply.
One of his hands traveled up the side of me, and the other cupped my cheek. His lips found their way to mine, sweetly tasting them as his other hand found its way to my breasts. I hated wearing bras to bed, so I wasn’t wearing one under my ratty t-shirt. The way he cupped me made me almost lose myself, especially when his thumb brushed over my hardened nipple.
My breathing became uneven.
“Are you still thinking, baby?”
Yes.
I bit down on my lip when his hands traveled downward. They stopped at the hem of my shirt, sliding underneath on my overheated skin. They rested on my stomach for a moment before traveling upward to my breasts, cupping both of them gently. He slowly started to raise my shirt.
“Is this okay?” he asked, hovering over me.
I nodded breathlessly.
Nobody had seen me naked before. When Zach and I had sex, he just lifted my skirt up. There was nothing romantic about it. It was rushed and sloppy. What Nate was doing was something I never experienced before. He was being gentle…respectful.
My shirt came over my head, leaving my top half completely exposed to him. He stared down at me with a slight twinkle in his eyes. I went to cross my arms across my chest, but he stopped me.
“Don’t,” he said.
His gaze left my skin blazing, like just a single glance started a fire inside of me.
“You’re so beautiful,” he whispered, dipping his head down and kissing my swollen breasts. My back arched up when he nipped one of them. I moaned before I could stop myself, which made him react instantly.
He pulled his shirt over his head and threw it on the floor. He gently lowered his body to mine, causing our skin to touch, which spiked my heartbeat in my chest. His lips claimed mine hungrily, and the way his tongue possessively claimed my own made me moan loudly into his mouth. The way his skin felt against mine was more than anything I could have dreamed of. When I nipped his lip, he drove his hips into mine, and I could feel how hard he was through his boxers.
My fingers dipped into the waistband of his boxer shorts, causing him to freeze on top of me. He lifted himself up enough to look me in the eyes.
“Are you sure?”
I let out a slow breath. “Yes.”
I tugged on his boxers again, and this time he helped. He got off the bed and pulled them off in one swift motion, leaving him completely naked. I stared at him—all of him—in amazement.
He crawled back into the bed, kneeling over me. I suddenly felt overwhelmed and uncomfortable in my own skin. I was still wearing my pajama shorts, and here he was exposed to me. He looked comfortable, which was understandable. His body was sculpted like a Greek statue, which made my pudgy stomach and thick thighs feel like a bad thing suddenly.
He caressed my cheek. “What’s wrong?”
I looked away from his worried eyes. “I haven’t done anything since…”
“Hey,” he whispered, brushing my hair out of my face. “We don’t have to do anything. If you’re not comfortable or ready, we’ll wait. I don’t want to rush things, baby.”
“It’s not that,” I admitted, covering my body.
He moved to the side of me. “What is it?”
I closed my eyes. “Compared to you I’m not…perfect. My body, I mean. I’m not skinny like the girls I’ve seen you with before. I have flaws.”
He tipped my head so it was facing him. “I happen to think that you’re the sexiest person I know. Do you want to know why?”
“Not really,” I answered in embarrassment.
“Well I’m going to tell you anyway,” he replied nonchalantly. “I think you’re the sexiest person I know because you’ve got curves that every woman is jealous of. You’ve got a smile that every man wants to wake up to every day. And you have the most pure heart I think I’ve ever known. The things you call flaws are blessings in disguise, Blair.”
My heart melted.
“So please don’t feel uncomfortable,” he told me. “I can’t change how you look at yourself, but I plan to try every single day of my life. You’re a beautiful person with a heart of gold, and you deserve to be treated exactly how you treat others. I’ve never met a woman who is as perfect as you.”
A tear escaped my eye.
“I needed that,” I whispered, collecting myself.
He smiled. “I just want you to see what I do, and that’s an amazing person inside and out. The thing I love about you is that you’re not like those other girls. You’re you. You’re the woman I want to be with. Nobody else matters.”
“You’re going to make me cry.”
He chuckled. “You’re emotional tonight.”
“It’s been an emotional day.”
He kissed my cheek. “Want to talk about it?”
I bit my lip. “You’re naked.”
“Yes I am,” he agreed.
“And you’re…um…” I gestured toward his erection. “I don’t want you to uh…wait?”
He snorted out a laugh. “I can deal with him later. If you want to talk, we’ll talk. We don’t have to do anything tonight. I already told you that.”
“Please tell me you’re not the type of guy who names his penis,” I complained.
He laughed. “Nope,” he reassured me. “Although if I did name it, it would be something badass. No clue what though. Let’s just say even Chuck Norris would be afraid of this baby.”
“Oh, my God!” I giggled, covering my face. “I cannot believe that you just said that!”
He kissed my cheek again, leaning his forehead against my hide. “Do you want to talk about anything? You know that I’ll listen.”
I sighed, turning toward him and pulling the blankets over my chest. “I don’t want to talk. I’m just…scared.”
He inched closer to me. “About what? I promise I’ll use protection if you’re afraid of getting pregnant again. And I’ve been tested too, so I know I don’t have anything.”
I took a deep breath. “That’s the thing, Nate. I don’t have to be worried about getting pregnant again. When I had the operation…things went wrong. I’m infertile, which means that…”
“You can’t have kids,” he finished slowly.
I just nodded once.
We sat in silence for a long stretch of time, making worry creep
into my mind. “If you’re angry with me…”
His eyes widened. “You think I’m angry at you?” he asked in shock. “Blair, I’m not angry. I’m just…surprised. If I’m going to be angry at anybody, it’s going to be because of the asshole who put you in that situation to begin with.”
“Well there’s no point in being angry at him now,” I muttered.
“Just because he’s dead doesn’t mean he was any less of an ass when he was alive,” he pointed out. “I’m never going to stop hating him for everything he put you through. Just know that I’m not angry at you.”
“I…” I sighed. “You said that you wanted kids someday, but not right now. You have to realize that if you really want to be with me, then I’ll never be able to give you a family. So if that’s going to be a deal breaker then…”
He cupped my face in his hands. “I would never leave you because of that. I love you, Blair. Even if we can’t have kids of our own, I will never stop wanting to be in your life. When there comes a time when we consider having kids, we can always adopt. We have options. I just want to be with you. We’ll face the obstacles along the way together. Okay?”
I nodded.
He kissed me softly. “I can’t imagine what you must be feeling.”
“Loved,” I whispered. “For once I feel completely, utterly loved. I never felt like somebody cared about me that much to stay.”
He smiled. “You can’t get rid of me that easily,” he mused lightheartedly.
I smiled back.
“I always feel like I’m falling into an endless pit. It scares me, you know? But for once I feel like I might have found a safe place to fall. With you. It’s always when I’m with you.”
I kissed him them, silencing myself from talking any further. He didn’t care if I was infertile, because he just wanted to be with me. To love me. I knew then that this was the salvation I’d been craving. He had always been worth the fight, which was why I never gave up when I wanted to most.
A Safe Place to Fall (Places Book 1) Page 18