by Leslie Gould
Before she went to bed she put candy in the dishes Trudy, Rose, and Simon had left on the table. She knew Zane’s family filled stockings for Christmas morning, but her family followed a simpler tradition. If only she could simplify her relationships like that too.
Once she was in her room, she shivered in the cold as she pulled her flannel nightgown over her head and then slipped between the sheets of her icy bed, pulling the quilts her Mamm had made up to her chin. Rose stirred in the double bed that she shared with Trudy. Dat believed children should share a room. The bedroom Aenti Eve used to have had been the guest room since she left—except they never had any guests. Sometimes when Lila felt desperate to be alone she would read or do handwork in Eve’s old room, but Dat wouldn’t have been happy if she made a habit of it.
She rolled toward the wall, her teeth chattering. A tear seeped out of her eye. Rose stirred again, and then Trudy called out in her sleep.
Lila held her breath for a moment, but then Trudy called out again and stumbled from her bed and made her way to the single bed.
Lila threw back the quilts, and Trudy crawled in beside her. Lila curled around her little sister, who immediately fell back to sleep. It had been a couple of years since Trudy had crawled into bed with Lila. Perhaps the conflict between Dat and Daniel and Simon had upset her more than she’d let on. Lila drew closer to the warmth of her sister, whispering, “Merry Christmas,” as she drifted off to sleep.
Christmas morning she went through the motions, bleary eyed and yawning, as she made breakfast and then served it. Trudy had already eaten the candy in her dish by the time Daniel arrived midmorning. He ate a leftover slice of ham as Dat called everyone into the living room.
Only Trudy was excited. The rest of them seemed to just be going through the motions. As they all sat down Lila couldn’t help but notice there weren’t many presents on the table by the door. Although some Amish families had a tree, her family never did. Not even when Mamm was alive.
Lila hadn’t talked to Dat about what he planned to buy for everyone. She hoped he’d planned something—not for her, but at least for Trudy, Rose, Simon, and Daniel. Although now Dat probably didn’t think Simon deserved anything.
Dat read the Christmas story, and then they all bowed their heads in a silent prayer. Lila tried to concentrate on Jesus coming to earth as a baby, but she kept thinking about Zane. She figured it would take him two days to get to Texas. Did he have a special friend waiting for him when he arrived? Maybe that was why he’d avoided her when he was home. Her face grew warm. She’d been foolish for not thinking of that sooner, but that would be for the best. For both of them. Zane deserved an Englisch girl who could share his life. She’d never begrudge him that.
Finally Dat stirred, ending the prayer, and the rest of them raised their heads.
Trudy rubbed her hands together. “Time for presents!”
Dat frowned. “We give as a reminder of what God gave us,” he said. “The focus is not on what we receive.”
“I know,” Trudy said, scooting back on the couch. “I want to give my presents too.”
Dat cleared his throat. “I didn’t get gifts for you three older kids this year,” he said. “You’re adults now.” His eyes landed on Simon for a brief moment.
Lila nodded. That was fine.
Trudy frowned, until Lila asked her to pass the gifts around. All of the children had gotten Trudy a gift, and Dat had bought her a set of mixing bowls and cookie cutters. She was ecstatic. She was thrilled with the apron Lila had made her too.
Rose seemed oblivious that the others didn’t have gifts and made a big deal over the set of serving platters Dat had bought her for her hope chest. She was gracious about the place mats and napkins that Lila had made for her also.
Thankfully Lila had bought the boys gifts—T-shirts, socks, and cans of shaving cream.
Trudy had bagged a stack of cookies that she’d made with Shani for everyone.
Simon ate his cookies, marveling at how delicious they were. Trudy giggled and told him she’d make him more with her new mixing bowls. Lila suggested the others play a game while she headed into the kitchen to make the stuffing. Except for Trudy’s cookies, no one had given her a present.
After a few minutes, Daniel joined her. “It was a lot of fun at Jenny’s last night. We opened gifts and then all sang carols together. Reuben said he wished you could’ve come along.”
Lila shook her head.
“He did,” Daniel insisted.
“I’m not questioning that,” Lila said. “But who would have made dinner here? Or put Trudy to bed? Or made the gifts for Rose and Trudy?”
“You have a point.” Daniel shrugged and then yawned.
“Looks as if you stayed too late last night.”
He grinned. “Maybe.”
Rose didn’t come to help until Lila asked. By then Dat had fallen asleep in his chair and Simon and Daniel had gone outside. By the time dinner was ready, Lila felt frazzled.
Someone needed to find the boys, so she did it herself, thinking a walk in the cold might help her feel more settled. She flung her coat over her shoulder and headed out the back door. The sun remained hidden by the clouds. Even the snow appeared gray, as if the world had lost its color. As she approached the barn, she yelled, “Daniel! Simon!”
The sound of a gun startled her and then filled her with anger. Why were they target practicing on Christmas?
She stepped around the back of the barn. At the edge of the woods, Simon aimed at the target. Another shot. He hit the red center.
“Simon!” she yelled.
He turned, his eyes beady. Daniel stood behind him but started shuffling toward Lila. Simon stayed put.
She shivered. Shooting at a target was one thing. Even a deer. How could he possibly think he could shoot at a person?
“Dinner!” she shouted, and marched back toward the house, thinking of Zane on the road on Christmas Day. She had never felt so lonely in her entire life.
The next morning Dat cornered Bishop Byler in Monika’s kitchen as other members of the two families gathered in the living room. Simon had stayed home. Lila stared at the bookcase Reuben had made for her Christmas present. He didn’t read—but he’d made a home for the few books she’d managed to collect over the years. She’d given him a runner for his table.
Dat’s voice rose. Lila hadn’t expected him to talk with the bishop about Simon, but she was guessing that was the topic. It wasn’t like her father to talk about family problems, especially not with the bishop. Dat was a private person, but it seemed he was willing to swallow his pride if it meant finding help to prevent Simon from going. At least Simon hadn’t joined the church yet, so it wasn’t an issue of him being shunned.
Reuben sat beside Lila and inched closer. Monika smiled. For as much as everyone else had pressured Lila to marry Reuben, Monika hadn’t. She said she learned her lesson with Eve. It was one of life’s ironies, Monika had said, that she ended up marrying the man she’d tried to force on Eve.
Monika hadn’t pressured Daniel and Jenny either. She simply said they needed to rely on God’s timing.
“Have another piece of candy,” Monika said as she passed the plate of divinity to Lila. She passed it on to Reuben. When Lila was still in school, after Aenti Eve left to marry Charlie, Monika would come over and take care of Trudy and then be around after school for all of the children. Even after she married the bishop she continued to care for all of them, until Lila finished her last year of school. At fourteen, Lila wasn’t fully equipped to run a household but she figured it out. By then Trudy was three. She’d always been a compliant child. Rose, on the other hand, at nine, had been more of a handful than Trudy.
Dat’s voice grew louder. “You talk to him, then. I’ve probably said too much already.”
Lila turned her head toward the kitchen, surprised at her father’s admission. Dat had done his best to portray their family as stable all these years. Thanks to Monika, Shani, and Aenti Ev
e—when she was allowed to help—the family had survived. But Lila longed for them to be doing well. Especially for Trudy’s sake. Lila feared her little sister had no idea what a normal family was like.
“What’s going on?” Monika asked Lila.
Jenny shot Daniel a look. He’d obviously told her. Lila was surprised neither of them had told Monika.
“Simon,” Lila said, as if that explained everything.
It wasn’t until Monika asked Lila if she’d like more coffee that she realized she’d drained her cup. She nodded, and Monika was immediately on her feet and headed to the kitchen.
“How about another cup?” Lila heard her ask the men. Then she said, “Come join us. We all want to spend time with the two of you.”
Gideon and Dat followed Monika back into the living room. Monika’s relationship with her first husband had been especially sweet for an old Amish couple, at least from what Lila remembered. They hugged in public, and Monika was always saying corny things about him. But then he died from a heart attack and a year later she married Gideon.
Even as a twelve-year-old, Lila couldn’t imagine that Monika’s second marriage would be as good as her first, but it seemed to be. She and Gideon definitely respected each other and though they weren’t as affectionate, at least in public, they seemed to deeply care for each other. She was a good support as a bishop’s wife, treating people in the district with empathy and concern. Perhaps Monika made such a good wife to Gideon because of the deep love from her first marriage. Or maybe that was just what kind of woman she was.
Lila doubted that Monika questioned her love for either of her husbands. Most likely she’d simply committed herself to loving them. It gave Lila hope she could do the same with Reuben.
After a while Dat said he’d head on back to the house while the children went to their grandparents’ place. “You can go in Daniel’s truck,” Dat said.
Rose frowned, most likely opposed to being squished in the back seat of Daniel’s small cab.
“Will Simon meet us there?” Lila asked.
Dat shrugged. “Perhaps not,” he said, giving the bishop a look.
“What about going to Eve and Charlie’s?” Lila asked. They always went the day after Christmas. It was the only time all year Dat visited their house.
“I talked to Eve last night. They’re going to meet you at your grandparents’.”
Lila furrowed her brow, thinking about Dat arranging everything. It wasn’t like him.
Jenny stayed at her house—there wasn’t room for her in the pickup. Everyone, even Trudy, stayed quiet as Daniel drove south. Their grandparents had moved into a cottage on the outskirts of Strasburg the year before, leaving behind the acreage and old farmhouse. Now they had a big lot, a chicken coop, and a large garden. That was it.
After they’d filed into their grandparents’ home, and gotten hugs from each, and then from Charlie and Eve too, Mammi asked where Simon was.
When none of the children answered, Mammi asked, “Is something wrong?”
Trudy wringed her hands. “He’s joined the Army.”
Mammi gasped. “Has he left already?”
“No,” Lila answered, holding on to her coat. The comforting scent of Mammi’s lavender talcum powder seemed incongruous with the pain in Lila’s heart. “He’s at home.”
“Dat and the bishop are talking with him,” Trudy said.
Lila shook her head. “We don’t know that.”
Rose elbowed her. “Don’t be stupid. Of course that’s what they’re doing.”
Lila ignored her sister and looked past her grandmother. Dawdi, Eve, and Charlie all had worried expressions on their faces.
“Come on and get warm,” Mammi said, reaching for Lila’s coat. “You must be freezing.”
“We rode in Daniel’s pickup,” Trudy said. It was still a thrill for her to ride in a vehicle.
“Oh,” Mammi said. She wouldn’t say it, but Lila was sure she felt surprised Dat allowed it—not for Lila and Rose but for Trudy. He did his best to try to keep her from being influenced by the older kids, but of course it couldn’t be helped.
They filed into the cozy living room. A small Christmas tree, decorated with quilted ornaments and bright lights, sat in the corner, and several red candles were lit around the room. The scent of evergreen filled the air.
While the others visited, Lila helped her grandmother put together a light meal of leftover ham, potatoes, rolls, and broccoli and cauliflower salad. Lila’s hand shook as she dumped the rolls in a basket. “Sweetie,” Mammi said, “is it Simon you’re worried about?”
Lila started to nod but stopped herself. “Everything feels upside down.”
Mammi placed the last piece of ham on the platter and turned toward her. A strand of gray hair hung from her bun. She looked a little weathered, more so even than a few days earlier. Lila hoped her grandmother could get some extra rest now that the holiday shopping season was over.
“What else is going on?”
Lila pursed her lips. She shouldn’t have said anything. “Maybe it’s just that I’m tired.”
“Maybe you need a rest. Have you thought about the job offer?”
Lila nodded.
“You could live here, with us. In the upstairs room.”
Lila hadn’t talked to Dat about Mammi’s offer. Everything had been too chaotic. But the job was tempting. So was living with her grandparents. After sharing a bedroom all these years, the cottage loft would be an escape. But she couldn’t leave her sisters.
“You’ve been taking care of others all these years.” Mammi’s kind blue eyes met Lila’s and watered just a little. “I would love to take care of you for a while, before you marry.”
Lila swallowed the growing lump in her throat.
Mammi turned to the sink to wash her hands. “Do you have an answer for me, then?”
“Jah.”
“And?”
Lila swallowed hard, again. “I can’t. It wouldn’t be fair to Rose. Or Trudy.”
Mammi met her eyes again. “It might be good for Rose to be in charge and learn to care for a home.”
Lila nodded. That was true. “But it wouldn’t be good for Trudy.” Or Dat. She didn’t want to upset him any more than he already was.
“What will they do when you marry?”
Lila shrugged, her eyes filling with tears.
“Sweetie,” Mammi said, clasping Lila’s hand. “Does this have to do with Simon planning to leave?”
Lila’s gazed drifted away from Mammi and toward the others in the living room. “Jah.” But it was more than that. The Army had taken Zane and now Simon. She was terrified that she might lose both of them.
6
Two days after Christmas, Adam played beside the tree with his new Legos as Shani dug her cell phone from her jacket pocket. She checked it again to see if she’d missed a call. Zane had texted when he reached Texas, but she hadn’t talked to him since he left.
She headed down the hall to her room as she unlocked her phone and pressed Zane’s number. It rang several times before he answered. She sat down on her bed, her gaze falling on the wooded area outside the window.
“Hey, Mom,” Zane finally said. “I have you on speaker phone.”
“Where are you?”
“On my way to lunch.”
“Driving?”
“Yeah . . .” His voice sounded stilted.
“How’s Texas?”
“Good.”
Back when Zane used to talk nonstop, Shani never thought she’d miss it. But she did.
A woman’s voice came over the line, saying, “Turn here.”
Zane wasn’t alone. Shani smiled.
“Should I call later?” she asked.
“Hold on a second,” Zane said.
“It looks like a dive,” the woman said. “But the food is great.”
The phone clicked, and Shani realized Zane had put her on mute. She stood and stepped to the window. Snow hung on the branches of the eve
rgreen trees and even though it was only midafternoon, the wooded area was gray and dark.
The phone clicked again, and Zane said, “I’m back.”
“Is it warm down there?” Shani asked.
“Yeah, in the high seventies.”
That sounded like a dream.
“What are you having for lunch?”
“Indian food.”
Shani smiled again. It had never been his first choice in the past. “Who’s the girl?”
“One of the soldiers in my unit.”
“Does she have a name?”
“Come on, Mom.” His voice sounded light. “Don’t get your hopes up.”
Shani didn’t reply.
“Her name is Casey,” Zane finally said. “But she’s just a friend. And she went on ahead into the restaurant, just in case you’re wondering if she’s listening.”
“Where’s she from?”
“All over. She’s a Navy brat.”
“And she joined the Army?”
Zane chuckled. “Yeah. Go figure.” He cleared his throat and then said, “Listen . . .”
Shani interrupted. “You need to go.”
“How’d you know?” he asked, and then laughed a third time. Shani smiled at the thought of him actually being happy. “But first, if you guys really want to come down before I ship out, I’d like to have you take my truck back home.”
“Of course,” Shani answered. “We’ll be there. Text me the dates, and we’ll get tickets tonight.”
“Thanks,” Zane said.
“Tell Casey hello,” Shani added, keeping her voice light.
“It’s not like that,” Zane replied. “Really.”
It was Shani’s turn to laugh. “I can hope, can’t I?”
Zane didn’t respond to her question, but instead asked if Simon had been over since Christmas Eve.
“No. Why?”
“Just wondering,” Zane said. He quickly added, “I’ll call in a couple of days.”
“Okay, I’ll e-mail you the flight info tonight.”