by Howe, Violet
I continued walking down the hall, comfortable that she was at least listening to me and not fighting me on this. Wow. One thing out of a hundred. But at least this was a really important one. Choose your battles and count your victories.
“I’m not excluding him, Mama. I know he’ll be with me that day, just as sure as I know my own name. I’m gonna wear the heart necklace he gave me for my birthday. Right before he died. That’s between him and me. I don’t want some big public showing to make everyone feel sad.”
“What about your grandparents? Don’t you want to recognize them? They all adored you.”
“You’re doing programs, right? Include their names in the programs. Put some memorial poem or quote if you want. I’m not trying to forget any of them. But I’m telling you, I don’t want a memorial table. I don’t want anything that’s going to make me cry. If I see Daddy’s picture…” I swallowed hard. I scrunched my nose and blinked rapidly, then swallowed again, gulping a huge breath of air and willing myself not to lose it.
Sometimes I could think of Daddy and smile. I could feel him around me, and it was a comfort. The memories would play in my head all in soft focus and warm light. Other times, the thought of him would make my heart clench and pause in its rhythm. The view of him lying in that casket would block out every other thought, and the loss of him would take the warmth from my body and leave ice in my veins. When grief gripped me that way, I struggled to remember the sound of his voice. The rumble of his laughter. The way he called me baby girl.
I much preferred the soft memories. The ones with the hazy yellowing of time and the home movie feel. In those memories, he was still alive. His laughter still filled a room, and his strong arms could still lift me and spin me round until I laughed and collapsed against his strong shoulders in dizzy delight.
I wasn’t willing to risk the dark memories on my wedding day. I wanted to keep them at bay. If that meant upsetting my other family members or somehow slighting my grandparents, it was a risk I was willing to take.
She never really said she wouldn’t do the memorial table, but she dropped the subject. That rarely happens when she digs in her heels, so I hoped it meant she could tell it was important to me.
When we’d hung up, I went to my jewelry box and pulled the tiny heart necklace from its velvet envelope. I never dared wear it for fear it would get broken or lost, but every now and then I would take it out and hold it in my hand. It helped me feel close to Daddy and see the happy memories play out in my head. I fiddled with the fragile little clasp and slid it around my neck, twisting to watch the light flash off the gold as I watched my reflection in the mirror.
Cabe walked up behind me and put his hands on my shoulders, planting a light kiss on the nape of my neck.
“You’re beautiful.”
I looked up to meet his eyes and smiled at the warmth I saw there.
“Thank you.”
He turned me to him and lifted my chin as he lowered his mouth to mine. He started the kiss tenderly, cautiously. I’d been so tired and cranky the last few weeks that I’d rebuffed any attempt he made to be intimate. Tears stung my eyes for reasons I didn’t totally understand. Maybe it was thinking about Daddy. Maybe it was thinking about Cabe. Maybe it was just exhaustion and the constant weight of stress.
Cabe pulled back from me and wiped away the lone tear that escaped. His eyes clouded with concern as his eyebrows drew together in question.
I smiled. “I’m okay. I’m sorry. Just feeling a bit emotional, I guess.”
He pulled me into his chest, and I buried my face there and breathed in his warmth. His scent. His masculinity. He was safe, solid, and real. I collapsed against him and exhaled a sigh.
“I’m sorry I’ve been such a tyrant lately. Snapping at everyone. Crying at the drop of the hat. Arguing with Mama about every little thing. I know you have to be thinking you’re crazy for wanting to marry me. I’ve turned into Bridezilla. How did this happen?”
He stroked my hair and pulled it away from my face.
“It’s okay,” he said, so calm and quiet that my heart threatened to break. “You’re not Bridezilla; you just have too much on your plate right now. Work is crazy. Life is crazy. You’re trying to juggle our wedding and everybody else’s. You’re not sleeping. You need rest.”
He led me to our bed and sat with his back against the headboard, pulling me down and positioning us so I laid beside him with my head on his chest. He continued to stroke my hair, running his fingers through it gently and loosening the inevitable tangles ever-present in my thick, brown waves.
“This is just not how I thought my wedding would be. Like, even when I told you I was sure I wanted to get married back home, I think I was picturing a nice, catered event with beautiful centerpieces, soft lighting, and all our family and friends surrounding us. Like singing Kumbayah or something. I think in reality, it’s going to be a disaster. An absolute disaster. Mama is hell-bent on hosting the tackiest wedding ever in my honor, no matter what I try to do. I don’t even want anyone to come. I don’t even want to have this stupid wedding.”
His hand halted on my head for a moment, and I felt a shift in his weight as his body tensed.
I jerked my head up and raised myself on my knees to face him. “Oh my gosh…I didn’t mean I don’t want to marry you. Cabe, I definitely want to marry you. I want to spend every day of my life with you. I just don’t want a wedding. I wish we could fast forward. Skip right past this and be married already.”
“I said we could elope,” he whispered.
“I know, but that wouldn’t work either, because then everyone would be mad and feel like they got cheated out of something. Like somehow, it’s their God-given right to have my wedding, but somehow it’s not my God-given right not to have one.”
“Kind of ironic that the wedding planner doesn’t want a wedding, don’t you think?” He smiled and lifted his palm to my cheek, caressing and soothing.
“Yeah, right? It’s my livelihood. My passion. I love doing it for other people, but being an engaged wedding planner just sucks. I have all these decisions to make, like any other bride. But because the wedding’s not here with the people I know and work with, I don’t know what to buy or who to hire. I’ve got Mama on the DIY train to Martha Stewart hell, and I feel like everything she tries to do, I shoot down and fight over. Then every day I have to plan all these other brides’ weddings and get to see what they’re doing and what they’re having and how excited they are. I want that. I want to be excited. I want to be happy about this. But I’m not. I hate this. So much.” I’d been looking down at my hands, and when I looked back up, I flinched at the hurt I saw in his eyes. “But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to marry you.”
He attempted a smile, and I leaned forward to kiss him, not wanting any of my turmoil to cause him a moment’s pain or rejection.
“I do want to marry you, Cabe. I wanna say our vows and exchange our rings and walk off into the Happily Ever After sunset. Why can’t we just do that?”
“We can,” he said. “We’ll just go into hiding. Maybe there’s some kind of marriage witness protection program where you get married and just disappear.”
I laughed, more to honor his attempt at humor than because I felt like laughing. “That wouldn’t work, silly. Then we’d never see our family again. I want to see them again. I just don’t want to plan a wedding with them.”
“So let’s get married and just not tell anyone.”
“I think it’s a little late for that. The wheels have been set in motion. I’ve unleashed Patsy.”
“I think you should hire Sandy and let her do the food and the flowers. When are you talking to her?”
“Wednesday.”
“Call her tomorrow and tell her to put together a proposal for the menu, too.”
I shook my head. “Mama would have a fit if I did that.”
“So? Let her. It’s not her wedding, Ty. I know you don’t want to upset her, and I know the two of yo
u have some major issues with boundaries, but when it comes down to it, it’s not her wedding. It’s yours. And mine. Ours. So tell her what you want to do, and do it. If she doesn’t like it, oh well. You already listen to her complain every time you talk to her. How would that be any different? You want me to talk to her? Maybe have Mom call her about her offering to pay for Sandy as a gift?”
I sighed. “No. That’s okay. I need to do a better job of standing up to her. It wasn’t even me that got her not to do the centerpieces. It was Carrie. I hate this. All the drama. I wish it could be just you and me and a minister. Some place quiet. Some place sweet. No fuss. No stress. Just us. Maybe Mel and Dean. Maybe even your mom or my brother and sisters, but then I know I couldn’t have your mom or my brother and sisters without having my mom. I feel terrible for saying it like that, because it’s not that I don’t want my mom there. It’s just that she makes everything so damned difficult. She gets upset, and then I get upset. Or I get upset and then she gets upset. I don’t know what to do. This is why I wanted to just elope, but we can’t, and now it’s all screwed up.”
“I’m sorry.” Cabe exhaled slowly as he said it.
“It’s not your fault, babe.”
“But it is. You wanted to elope from the start, but I talked you into having a wedding.”
I ran my fingers through his curls and tousled them. “I bet you’re feeling a little differently about that now, huh?”
“Whatever it takes to marry you, Buttercup. Whatever it takes.”
Monday, October 20th
I’d decided to take the night off and give my brain and my body some rest. I didn’t bring any wedding files home with me, I didn’t check my email on my phone, and every time our wedding crept into my head, I deliberately pushed it out.
I’d just put on my pjs when the phone rang. Cabe was working late on a project, and I assumed his call meant he was headed home.
“Hey babe, what’s up?”
Deacon’s ears perked up when I said babe. I wasn’t the only one ready for Cabe to come home.
“Hello beautiful! What are you doing right now?”
“Deacon took me for a walk, and I just changed into my pjs and thought perhaps I’d read a book. Or watch TV. I haven’t decided. Why? Are you on your way home?”
“Not exactly. I need you to do me a favor.”
I groaned inside. I’d been looking forward to curling up on the couch all day. Now that I was actually there, all comfy-cozy in my pajamas, I really didn’t want to have to get up and do anything. I didn’t even try to hide my lack of enthusiasm.
“What do you need?”
“Well, I just drove by our bench at the lake, and the moon is brilliant reflecting off the water. I parked the car, and I’m waiting for you on the bench. I want you to come see it with me.”
I groaned out loud this time. As sweet as it was that my romantic fiancé wanted me to come and watch the moon reflect on the water with him, it was too much effort to consider. There’d be other moons.
“Aw, that’s sweet, babe. But I’m exhausted. I’m comfortable. I don’t want to get dressed and go out.”
“You don’t have to get dressed. Just throw on some jeans and join me.”
I flopped against the back of the couch in protest. Deacon came and laid his head on my lap, his gaze questioning why I was agitated.
“Deacon’s all settled in. I don’t want to put him in his crate. Can’t we see the moon another night?”
“Bring Deacon with you.”
“What? No. We just vacuumed my car out yesterday. Let it be hair-free for a couple of days. Besides, he’s calm and happy from his walk. I don’t want to get him all riled up again.”
“C’mon, Ty. I’m asking you to come sit under the moon and the stars with me. Just for a few minutes. Please?”
I shut my eyes and groaned. “Alright. Okay. But it better be the best damned moon anyone’s ever laid eyes on.”
“It will be. I promise. Bring Deacon, okay?”
“Yeah, yeah. We’ll be right there.”
I tossed the phone onto the sofa in irritation and walked to my closet. I yanked on a pair of jeans and threw a T-shirt over my camisole, not even bothering with a bra. It’s not like anyone was going to see me at the lake.
Or so I thought.
There were no other cars, so I didn’t realize Cabe wasn’t alone until Deacon and I were almost to the bench. I’d been staring at the sky, thinking the moon looked rather ordinary and definitely not worth getting off the couch for. It wasn’t even a full moon.
I’d expected Cabe to be sitting on the bench, and when I realized he wasn’t, I scanned the trees to find him. My eyes began to adjust and I could make out Cabe’s form in the shadows under one of the larger oaks.
“What are you doing?” I asked, irritation and frustration in my voice.
Cabe stepped out into the moonlight and walked toward me, and it was only then that I saw he wasn’t alone. Reverend Hays was there, and so were Mel and Dean.
Deacon yanked the leash nearly out of my hands when he saw Cabe, and I let go partly in a desire not to have my arm torn from my shoulder and partly in confusion as to what was happening.
“What’s going on? Why are they here?” I crossed my arms over my chest, very aware of my braless state and my nipples standing at attention under the thin T-shirt to announce to the world that the breeze was cool.
Cabe greeted Deacon with their normal rough-housing and then handed the leash over to Dean before standing to walk slowly to me. Even in the pale light, I could see the little half-smile he always wears when he’s a bit embarrassed, and above it his eyes sparkled with mischief.
“Hello, beautiful.” He slid his hands around my waist and bent to press his lips against mine.
“What is this? What are we doing?”
“This, my dearly beloved, is our wedding. Exactly as you wanted it to be. Just you and me with the minister and Mel and Dean. And Deacon, of course. I invited him. I hope you don’t mind.” Deacon barked at the mention of his name and pulled at Dean’s grip on the leash. “Let’s do it, Ty. Let’s get married, just us. None of the bullshit, none of the drama. Just you and me, pledging our love and making it official.”
I couldn’t have stopped the tears flowing from my eyes even if I’d wanted to. I felt a million pounds lift from my shoulders, and my heart soared. My mind could barely conceive what he was saying. To marry Cabe, right there, right that moment. To have it done and over with. To be his wife. Just me and him. Without everyone else weighing in and taking over.
But then reality set in.
“We can’t,” I whispered, emotion choking my words. “Everyone will be so upset. Mama’s done all this work and it means so much to her. Maggie and your grandparents. We can’t.” A sob escaped my throat as it threatened to close completely.
Cabe pulled me into his arms and kissed the top of my head. “Shhh. Listen. We’ll still do all that. Patsy can have her wedding however she wants it. We’ll show up and smile and jump through all the hoops she has planned for us. But you and I will know the whole time that we’re already married. It’s already done. This is it.” He pulled back to look down at me. “This can be our wedding. The way you wanted it. We will always have this to share, just the two of us.” He glanced back at the others standing under the trees. “Well, and those people over there. But you know what I mean.”
It seemed to be the most perfect solution possible.
I could be married to Cabe tonight. Without any further hesitation or stress. I would be his wife tomorrow. I’d still have to deal with my mama and all my family and Cabe’s family too, but I thought he might be right. It would be easier to deal with them if I didn’t feel like they were stealing my experience. My wedding. Our wedding.
A smile broke out across my face as the tears flowed even more. I nodded and laughed, probably the most genuine laugh I’d been able to muster in months.
Cabe smiled back and brought my hands to his lips
, kissing the ring he’d placed on my finger in this very spot.
“So whaddya say, Tyler Lorraine Warren? Will you marry me? Right here? Right now? In front of God and these witnesses? Under the light of the moon?”
“Yes, yes, yes! A million times yes. Let’s do it.”
“Yay!” Melanie shrieked in the background. “Here you go, love!” She stepped forward to hand me a beautiful exquisite bouquet.
I gasped. “Oh my gosh! This is it. This is the bouquet I picked! The picture I have on my bulletin board.”
She nodded and smiled. I could see tears glisten on her cheeks in the moonlight. “The one you wanted. Now you have it. For your wedding.”
We hugged each other tight as our laughter rang out through our tears. “Thank you, Mel. Thank you so much. I’m so glad you’re here with me. I couldn’t get married without my matron of honor.”
“Yep. I get to pull double-duty now. I’ll be your matron in two weddings, back-to-back.”
“One more thing and we’ll be good to go,” Cabe said as he approached Mel and me. He held up his hand to reveal a small pendant hanging from a chain. My heart pendant. The last gift my Daddy gave to me.
“You said you wanted to wear it. To have your daddy walk down the aisle with you. I took it today and had a better clasp put on the chain.”
I threw both arms around him and hugged him with every bit of strength I could muster. I hope I can somehow find a way to convey to this man how much I love him. Hopefully walking down the aisle and vowing to be his wife until death do us part would be a good start.
“Come with me, Ms. Bride,” Melanie said as she led me back toward the cars.
I looked down at myself and cracked up laughing. All the time and energy brides put into choosing a gown, and here I was about to get married in a pair of flip flops, jeans, and a T-shirt over a pajama camisole.
“What’s so funny?” Mel asked.
“If I’d known I was getting married, I might have at least put on a bra, if not a decent dress.”
“I didn’t know how to get you dressed before you came without making you suspicious,” Cabe said behind me. “Do you want to go home and change? We can wait.”