Man From the USSR & Other Plays
Page 14
TROSHCHEYKIN
Oh, that—to hell with it. I’ll make other arrangements.
RYOVSHIN
It was, as you know, close to ten. At exactly ten-thirty Arshinski enters the building—you know whom I mean?
TROSHCHEYKIN
No wonder I saw him on the boulevard—that’s where he must have been heading.
RYOVSHIN
I decided to wait in spite of the drizzle. Fifteen minutes go by, then thirty, then forty. “Well,” I say, “he probably won’t come out until night.”
TROSHCHEYKIN
To whom?
RYOVSHIN
What do you mean to whom?
TROSHCHEYKIN
To whom did you say that?
RYOVSHIN
Oh, there was a very sensible salesman there from one of the stores, and there was also a lady from the house next door standing with us. A couple of other people—I don’t recall who they were. It’s totally unimportant. In short, the consensus was that he had already been out for cigarettes in the morning, and probably would be going out very soon for lunch. At this point the weather improved somewhat....
TROSHCHEYKIN
I implore you—skip the descriptions of nature. Did you see him or not?
RYOVSHIN
I did. At eleven-forty he went out with Arshinski.
TROSHCHEYKIN
Aha!
RYOVSHIN
Dressed in a light-gray suit, shaven clean as a god, but with a ghastly expression: black eyes burning, a smirk on his lips, brows knit in a frown. He took leave of Arshinski at the corner and went into the restaurant. I saunter by, inconspicuously as it were, and what do I see? There he is sitting at a table by the window, jotting something down in a little notebook. At that moment his appetizer arrived and he got busy with that. Well, I realized I was a mortal too, and decided to go home and have lunch.
TROSHCHEYKIN
So he looked glum?
RYOVSHIN
Glum as hell.
TROSHCHEYKIN
If I were making the laws, an expression like that would be enough to drag somebody off to the police station, and pronto. Is that all?
RYOVSHIN
Patience. Before I had a chance to take five steps, a waiter from the restaurant overtakes me with a note. From him. Here it is. See, it’s folded, and on the outside, in his hand, it says “To Mr. Ryovshin, personal.” Try and guess what it said.
TROSHCHEYKIN
Hurry up! Hand it over. There’s no time for guessing.
RYOVSHIN
Come on, take a guess.
TROSHCHEYKIN
Give it to me, I tell you.
RYOVSHIN
You wouldn’t have guessed anyway. Here.
TROSHCHEYKIN
I don’t understand.... There’s nothing written here ... a blank piece of paper.
RYOVSHIN
That’s the eerie part of it. That white paper is more terrifying than any threat. It virtually blinded me.
TROSHCHEYKIN
He’s not without talent, the scoundrel. Anyway, it must be preserved. Might come in handy as evidence. No, I can’t go on living like this.... What time is it?
RYOVSHIN
Three-twenty-five.
TROSHCHEYKIN
In half an hour that obnoxious Vagabundov woman will be here: you can imagine, can’t you, how much I feel like painting portraits today? And this waiting.... I’m expecting %phone call tonight.... If the money doesn’t come through, you’ll have to go find me a straitjacket. What a horrible situation! I’ve taken advance payments all around, and there’s not a red cent in the house! Can’t you think of something?
RYOVSHIN
Well, maybe I can.... Actually I don’t have any extra cash at the moment myself, but if worst came to worst I could get you enough for a ticket—for somewhere nearby, of course—and for a stay of, say, two weeks, but under the condition that you let Lyubov’ Ivanovna go to my sister’s place in the country. After that we’ll see.
TROSHCHEYKIN
Oh, no, nothing doing. I can’t go without her, you know that perfectly well. I’m like a little child. I’m totally incompetent, I botch everything.
RYOVSHIN
Can’t help it—you’ll just have to go ahead and botch. She’ll be very happy there—my sister is first-rate, and I’ll look in from time to time myself. Keep in mind, Alexey Maximovich, that when the target is divided into two parts, and those parts are in two different places, there’s nothing left to shoot at.
TROSHCHEYKIN
Oh, I don’t dispute that.... On the whole it seems like a good idea....Only Lyuba will balk at it.
RYOVSHIN
We’ll convince her somehow. Just present it as your idea and not mine. It’ll be more proper that way. We are now speaking as one gentleman to another, and I venture to assume that you are perfectly aware of the situation.
TROSHCHEYKIN
We’ll see, we’ll see. Now tell me, sir: if I were really to leave tomorrow, should I perhaps wear makeup? I happen to have a beard and wig left over from our theatre group. What do you think?
RYOVSHIN
Why not? Go ahead, but just don’t frighten the other passengers.
TROSHCHEYKIN
Yes, all this is somehow.... On the other hand, though, I think that since he has promised, he’ll get it for me, right?
RYOVSHIN
Alexey Maximovich, how do I know how good your credit is?
(Lyubov'and Vera enter.)
VERA
(to Ryovshin)
Hello, Mr. Confidant.
TROSHCHEYKIN
Here, Lyuba, listen to what he has to say.... (digs into his pocket for the note)
RYOVSHIN
My friend, you agreed not to tell that risque joke to the ladies.
LYUBOV’
No, let’s hear it immediately.
TROSHCHEYKIN
Oh, leave me alone, all of you! (goes out)
LYUBOV’
(to Ryovshin)
Nice going!
RYOVSHIN
I swear to you, Lyubov’ Ivanovna....
LYUBOV’
Here’s what I’d like you to do for me. There’s the most ungodly mess in the front hall. Look, I just cut my finger on some glass. Go see what you can do—you’ll have to bring the other mirror from the bedroom. Marfa can’t do it.
RYOVSHIN
With pleasure.
LYUBOV’
And then you’ll keep an eye out so she doesn’t shoo away some innocent guest whom she has mistaken for the person to whom you talked this afternoon.
RYOVSHIN
Lyubov’ Ivanovna, I didn’t talk to him, I swear to God.
LYUBOV’
And while you’re at it, tell her to come and help me set the table for tea. They’ll start arriving in a minute.
VERA
Please let me do it, Lyubochka. I adore doing it.
RYOVSHIN
You’ll see—I’ll be a regular Cerberus. (goes out)
LYUBOV’
For some reason, every time I’m expecting guests, I think about how I’ve frittered away my life. No, better use the little ones.... So you were saying he has the same housekeeper as before?
VERA
Yes, he does. These?
LYUBOV’
They’ll do fine. And how does Lisa know her?
VERA
She once recommended Lisa to the Stanislavskis, and I got Lisa from them. Well, when I came home from your house today, I found her in the middle of an animated conversation with the janitor. Barbashin this, Barbashin that—she couldn’t stop babbling. Anyway, it seems he arrived yesterday without warning, about seven p.m., but everything was in perfect order, as the housekeeper had lived there all this time.
LYUBOV’
Yes, I remember the apartment well.
VERA
Last night he went out somewhere, and today he spent practically the whole day typing letters.
&n
bsp; LYUBOV’
Vera, Vera, how trivial all this is. Why should I pay any attention to the prattle of two old gossips?
VERA
Still, you’ve got to admit it’s interesting! And a little frightening.
LYUBOV’
Yes—a little frightening....
(Enter Marfa with the cake and Antonina Pavlovna with the fruit)
VERA
Suppose he’s really planning something sinister? Oh, yes—there’s something else: it seems he lost a lot of weight in prison, and the first thing he did was order pork chops and a bottle of champagne. I must say Lisa felt very sorry for you....About how many people are coming? Did I count right?
LYUBOV’
The Writer.... Aunt Zhenya and Uncle Paul.... Old Mrs. Nikoladze.... Meshaev....Ryovshin.... the four of us.... I think that’s all. Let’s set another glass, just in case.
VERA
For whom? Do you mean....
ANTONINA PAVLOVNA
Meshaev said his brother might be coming. Oh, Lyubúsha....
LYUBOV’
What?
ANTONINA PAVLOVNA
No, never mind. I thought this was one of the old little forks.
(Troshcheykin comes in.)
TROSHCHEYKIN
Thank heavens, at last people are beginning to wake up. Lyuba, Kuprikov just called, and implored us not to go out in the street. He’ll be over in a moment. Apparently there’s something new. He didn’t want to tell me over the phone.
LYUBOV’
What a pity he’s coming. I simply can’t stand your colleagues. See, Vera—the extra glass came in handy. Put another one on the table, will you?
TROSHCHEYKIN
Yes, it seems people are finally beginning to understand the situation we are in. Well, I guess I’ll fortify myself a little.
LYUBOV’
Leave the cake alone; don’t be a boor. At least wait until the guests arrive, then you can stuff yourself on the sly.
TROSHCHEYKIN
Not a chance—when the guests arrive I’ll be in my room. All right, I’ll just take a piece of candy.
LYUBOV’
Alyosha, don’t spoil it. I arranged everything so beautifully. Look, in a moment you’re going to get a slap on the fingers.
ANTONINA PAVLOVNA
Here’s a little piece of cake for you. (The doorbell rings.)
TROSHCHEYKIN
That must be old Mrs. Vagabundov. I’ll try and finish her today. My hands are trembling, I can’t hold a brush, and still I’m going to finish her, damn it. And I’m certainly not going to kill myself trying to make a masterpiece out of it.
VERA
It’s gluttony you are trembling with.
(Ryovshin enters.)
RYOVSHIN
There’s someone at the door, but, judging from certain characteristics, she is not part of today’s program. Name of Eleonora Shnap. Shall I invite her in?
TROSHCHEYKIN
What’s the meaning of this, Antonina Pavlovna? What kind of people do you invite? Do we kick her out?
ANTONINA PAVLOVNA
I didn’t invite her. Shnap? Shnap? Oh, you know, Lyubushka, wasn’t she your midwife?
LYUBOV’
Yes. Dreadful woman. Send her home.
ANTONINA PAVLOVNA
After all, she did come to wish me a happy birthday. We can’t turn her away—it wouldn’t be nice.
LYUBOV’
Whatever you say. (to Ryovshin) What are you waiting for? Show her in.
VERA
Last time we saw her was at the funeral....
LYUBOV’
I don’t remember. I don’t remember anything....
TROSHCHEYKIN
(about to exit left)
Count me out in any case.
VERA
You’re making a mistake, Alyosha. Her first husband’s niece was married to Barbashin’s first cousin.
TROSHCHEYKIN
Ah! That’s a different story....
(Enter Eleonora Shnap. Violet dress. Pince-nez.)
ANTONINA PAVLOVNA
How kind of you to drop by. Actually I didn’t want the word to get around, but apparently it did.
ELEONORA SHNAP
Alas, ze whole town speaking about it iss.
ANTONINA PAVLOVNA
Alas is right! That’s well put. I know myself it’s nothing to be proud of, just another step closer to the grave. Of course you know my son-in-law and Lyubov’, and this is my other daughter, Vera. Their names mean Love and Faith. There isn’t any Hope.
ELEONORA SHNAP
Good Gott! Alzo you mean it is hopeless?
ANTONINA PAVLOVNA
Yes, this is an absolutely hopeless family, (laughs) How I would have liked to have a little greeneyed Hope.
ELEONORA SHNAP
So?...
LYUBOV’
There’s a misunderstanding here. Mummy!
ANTONINA PAVLOVNA
Sit down, please. We’ll be having tea in a moment.
ELEONORA SHNAP
As zoon ess today I foundt oudt I shlap my hans togedder. I to myzelf tink right avay to look in I must go.
LYUBOV’
And see how they’re taking it?
ANTONINA PAVLOVNA
Very, very kind. And who was it that told you? Zhenya—I mean Yevghenia Vasilyevna?
ELEONORA SHNAP
Nein. Madame Vishnevski.
ANTONINA PAVLOVNA
How did she know? Alyosha, have you been gossiping?
LYUBOV’
Mummy, I’m telling you there’s an idiotic mix-up here. (to Eleonora Shnap) You see, it’s my mother’s birthday today.
ELEONORA SHNAP
Unhappy mudder! Now I everything untershtandt!
TROSHCHEYKIN
Tell me about him.... Perhaps you...
LYUBOV’
Stop it, please. What is this silly talk?
ELEONORA SHNAP
A friend in time of zerious trouble you recognize, an enemy in time of little troubles. Zo my professor Esser always zaid. I could not not come....
VERA
Nothing terrible has happened. What are you talking about? We are all perfectly relaxed, and even in a festive mood.
ELEONORA SHNAP
Ja, it iss goot. Never let zuch tings get ze besser off you. Dass iss ze vay: holdt firm! (to Lyubov’) My poor, poor vun! Poor fictim! Tank Gott our little baby did not liff all tiss to see!
LYUBOV’
Tell me, Eleonora Karlovna, do you have a lot of work these days? Is there a great deal of childbearing going on?
ELEONORA SHNAP
Oh, I know zat my reputation zat of a coldhearted woman doctor is, but believe zat, bezides ze forceps, in my breast zere beats a gross, sad heart.
ANTONINA PAVLOVNA
In any case, we are very touched by your sympathy.
LYUBOV’
Mama. This is unbearable....
(The doorbell rings.)
TROSHCHEYKIN
Listen, just between you and me—did you by any chance see this man today?
ELEONORA SHNAP
Chust now I look in, but he wass not there. Why, you haff a message for him?
(Ryovshin enters.)
RYOVSHIN
Mrs. Vagabundov to see you, Alexey Maximovich.
TROSHCHEYKIN
Be right there. Listen, Lyuba—when Kuprikov comes, call me immediately.