A Billy or a Dan, or an Old Tin Can

by Paul Kelly

  “Sadie, what is the matter? There is something worrying you, I know there is.”

  Sadie sat silently still for a little while before she jumped up suddenly and flew out again to the kitchen. She couldn’t stop being sick. Aggie followed her out slowly and put her hand on her shoulders as she heaved violently.

  “You’re pregnant ... aren’t you?” she asked as Sadie wiped her mouth and straightened her hair. She nodded.

  “How long have you known?”

  “I think about three months. The sickness is getting worse almost every morning now.”

  “Have you missed your periods?” Aggie asked anxiously, hoping that in some way, they could both be wrong.

  “Yes I haven’t seen one for over two months.”

  Aggie looked tenderly at her younger sister. Her mind was full of questions, but her primary concern was to settle Sadie and to have her suspicions confirmed.

  ***

  Doctor Barnes examined Sadie as Aggie sat outside in the waiting room with her fingers moving swiftly in her pocket, where she held her Rosary, without it being seen. It did not take long and soon the sisters were returning home again. Aggie made some tea and Sadie sat quietly playing with a strand of her hair as she stared into the fire.

  “Do you want to talk about it, Sadie ... because if you don’t, I will understand, but Mammy and the others will have to know and you know that, don’t you?” Sadie sighed laboriously and looked to the ceiling.

  “The boys ... the boys, will they have to know? I mean, how can I tell them?”

  “They will be alright. Sadie we all love you. We are your family. Who else should you turn to in a situation like this?”

  “Aggie, I could do with some fresh air. Could we go for a walk somewhere ... the park maybe, eh?”

  Aggie had to be at the factory in forty minutes, but she wasn’t counting time on this occasion and she agreed to go to the park. They sat by the duck pond and Sadie was the first to speak.

  “I’ve been a fool, Aggie. I didn’t even love the man. I romanticised, that’s all. I was carried away in my imagination my silly, stupid imagination. I wondered what it would feel like to have a man wanting me.”

  Aggie interrupted the conversation at that point.

  “Sadie, you don’t have to tell me any of this. I only want you to tell me anything that may assist me to help you, but don’t feel that I am prying. I’m not. I only want what’s best for you, Darling.”

  “I want to tell you Aggie. I have to tell someone and I would rather it was you than anyone else.”

  Aggie squeezed her hand again in reassurance and Sadie continued.

  “I wondered what it would be like to have a love of my very own. Someone special, to tell me that he loved me; wanted me above everyone else and make me feel like a woman. ...What a fool I was Aggie. He only wanted sex and anyone could have given him that.”

  Sadie looked down at her shoes as she spoke and shuffled her foot where she had made a mark on her instep and the movement gave her relief.

  “I knew what I was doing. I wanted the feeling that sex with another person would give me, but I didn’t count on getting pregnant.”

  Aggie put her arm around Sadie’s shoulder.

  “Maybe the results will be negative, Sadie. You can never be sure about these things,” she said and felt as if she was suddenly an authority on childbirth but Sadie shook her head sadly.

  “I’m sure, Aggie. I’m very sure. Don’t ask me why. I only know I am and Doctor Barnes is sure too, although he wouldn’t say straight away. I feel so rough and I wish I could feel otherwise. I don’t know what Mammy is going to say when she finds out. Oh! God Aggie and there’s Meggie and the boys too. It’s the boys I worry most about. I don’t know how I can ever tell the boys.”

  She looked at Aggie with fear in her eyes. Fear of the sudden realisation of her situation now that she had put it into words.”

  “Calm yourself Sadie. All in good time and you’ll see. It won’t be that difficult. Let’s just hope and pray together and God will take care of everything.”

  They rose from the park bench and the ducks rushed over towards them thinking they were about to have a feed of bread crumbs, no doubt, but they squawked angrily when they realised that there was nothing coming and plopped back into the pond, ducking irreverently, to show their arses for what they hadn’t received. The girls laughed, but suddenly Sadie stopped walking and touched Aggie’s arm.

  “You haven’t yet asked me who the father could be,” Sadie said softly and bit her lip as she waited for Aggie to answer.

  “You can tell me only when you want to tell me Darling. I only want to help YOU. I want you to be happy again, Sadie. I love you very much.”

  Sadie looked at her sister and saw her in a way that she had never seen her before. Aggie was so much in control of her life and her emotions she thought. There was a beauty there too, that she had previously overlooked in her, ever since they were children and she realised that no amount of make-up could improve that beauty in Aggie. Sadie cried as she thought of all her ideas of life and of what was important; what she considered to matter. How fickle those ideas seemed to her now. She felt a sudden emotion of affection for Aggie that warmed her whole being and made the immediate problem seem lighter than it was. They walked home slowly together, arm in arm and Aggie knew that her clocking-in at the factory was long overdue, but she didn’t care. The only concern to her at that moment was her sister’s problem and how she could help her.

  “Have you ever loved a man, Aggie?” Sadie’s question came out of the blue and Aggie was surprised that she should ask that question, but before she could answer, her younger sister went on, “I’m sure some man, somewhere has been in love with you.”

  Aggie coloured and walked on slowly

  “No,” she answered, “I have never loved anyone Sadie outside of the family, of course.”

  She gazed steadily ahead as she spoke. Her sister’s admiration was overwhelming to her, because she knew in her heart that her own present disposition was not that she had never loved a man ever. She didn’t know the meaning of love not at all Not as humans understood it and yet, her heart was breaking for a Love that would not leave her day or night. A Love that pursued her wherever she went and whatever she did and would not let her go. They continued to walk but Sadie never did say the name of the father of her expected child.

  ***

  The postman whistled merrily as he always did on his rounds and dropped the letters into the letter box at the Blair home. Sadie recognised the envelope and hoped that her mother hadn’t seen it as she prised it secretly from the others that had been delivered and Mary Blair went about her chores in oblivion of what her daughter was enduring, although she had made several remarks about Sadie’s constant sickness. Aggie opened the letter at Sadie’s request. The pregnancy had been confirmed and Doctor Barnes wanted to see Sadie again at his surgery. Aggie had a holiday due and she agreed to accompany her sister at the arranged appointment.

  ***

  “Miss Blair What’s your initial please?” the Receptionist enquired.

  “S.M,” Sadie replied, “S.M. Blair.”

  “Thank you. Doctor Barnes will see you now. Please go right in.”

  Sadie opened the surgery door and went in, followed by Aggie and the doctor was studying some notes in a file on his desk as he invited them to sit down.

  “I wonder if I could see Sadie on her own?” he asked as he looked up from his notes and Aggie rose to leave the room, much to Sadie’s surprise.

  “This is my sister, doctor and I would rather she was here with me, if that’s alright.”

  Aggie hesitated to go, but the doctor was firm.

  “I think it would be better if we had this meeting privately Sadie, please.”

  He looked at Aggie and h
is eyes told her that it was imperative that he should see Sadie on her own and she left the room, smiling her understanding.

  “Sadie ...you know you are three months pregnant as I have already said in my letter. How do you feel about that?” She stared at him, not knowing what answer to give. How would ANYONE feel about it, she asked herself and then the doctor went on ... “What I am asking, Sadie is DO YOU WANT THIS BABY?”

  Again, Sadie was confused.

  “If I am pregnant, surely I have no option, have I?” she enquired, but Doctor Barnes did not answer her immediately. He closed the file on his desk and removed his spectacles, placing them gently on the blotter before him.

  “There are options,” he said slowly and deliberately, “but it must be you who decides.”

  The atmosphere suddenly seemed electric as if somewhere at the end of her dark, bleak tunnel, she could see a flicker of light a gleam of hope. The file on the doctor’s desk seemed to tantalise her from then on, as he kept flipping the edge and making a clipping, irritating noise.

  “Is there something in your notes that I should know?” Sadie enquired, “Something that you haven’t already told me, Doctor because if there is, I would rather know now.”

  Was this the reason why he didn’t want Aggie in the room when he discussed her file with her? Sadie asked herself ...Was there something in there that only she should know ... and if there was, what was it?”

  Doctor Barnes rubbed his eyes with his forefinger and thumb.

  “I understand from your last visit here, that you were very distressed about your situation and that you did not want to marry the father of this baby Is that still so?”

  “Yes Doctor,” she answered firmly and without hesitation.

  “Miss Blair ... Sadie “ He began to speak very professionally and with an air of detachment ... “There are some complications in your pregnancy ... nothing that can’t be put right, of course, but it would be very advisable to make your decisions as early as possible.”

  “Complications ... what complications ...”

  The doctor said only a few more words and Sadie fainted Aggie was called back into the room to assist her and when she did eventually come round, she cried bitterly and any attempt her sister made to console her seemed to be to no avail.

  “Can we go home, Aggie please?” she sobbed, “I don’t want to stay here any longer.”

  The Receptionist was standing nearby when they left the surgery and offered her assistance.

  “Miss Blair will be notified by post what she should do next,” she said and opened the door for them to leave.

  Sadie agreed on the way home that Aggie should tell the family of her dilemma and she went to bed early that evening to cry herself to sleep; what little sleep that was afforded to her.

  ***

  The whistling postman brought the anticipated news and Sadie was expected to attend the Infirmary at the earliest possible date. She and Aggie left home together, later that day to find dozens of people waiting to be seen when they arrived at the Receiving Room but eventually, she was ushered in to see the doctor and Aggie waited outside.

  Sadie was prepared for his diagnosis Hadn’t she already heard the worst ... but the news still hit her like a sledge hammer when it came and she took off her coat and went behind the screen.

  “Miss Blair you have some complications in your pregnancy ... You know that, I understand?” Sadie sat like a lamb waiting for the slaughter. “I understand that Doctor Barnes has already discussed this diagnosis with you. Is that correct?”

  “Yes Sir He has.”

  “And you are determined to go ahead and have this child?”

  “Yes, I am.”

  “Under the circumstances; in all the circumstances, have you considered an abortion?”

  Sadie stood up and took her coat.

  “I can’t and won’t have an abortion,” she said calmly and the doctor sighed and looked at her over the top of his glasses.

  “Then take these NOW,” he said and offered her two small yellow tablets, “And the nurse will see you before you leave. Good day Miss Blair. I wish you well.”

  She held the tablets in the palm of her hand and stared at them as she came out from behind the screen.

  “Are these things safe to take, Nurse?” she asked as she left the doctor’s consulting room and held the tablets out for the nurse to see.

  “These have nothing to do with your pregnancy, Miss Blair and it would be advisable to take them straight away. I will get you a glass of water.”

  Sadie swallowed the tablets and looked around for Aggie.

  “Oh! Miss Blair,” The nurse called after her,” Before you go, will you take this card please?” Sadie reached out and took what she was offered and the nurse scribbled some notes into a large book on her desk. “And when you come to the Infirmary next time, go to the Clinic at the end of the lane to the right of the Main entrance. Show this card and they will attend to you. Don’t forget, Miss Blair, they won’t ask your name. You only need tell them your number and that is on your card.”

  Aggie was confused.

  “What’s all that about?” she asked but Sadie did not answer. Instead, she walked home in silence, blindly. She was ashamed. She began to laugh, quietly at first to herself until her shoulders shook with violent emotion and the laughter became more audible until it ended in hysterical screams. Aggie was frightened and alarmed as she made her sister sit down at the bus stop.

  “Sadie Please don’t cry so. Please let me help you ... What can I do?”

  Aggie handed Sadie her handkerchief and she dried her eyes.

  “You have a slut for a sister Aggie. A real slut ....”

  “Don’t say that, Sadie. You are upset. Don’t say that.”

  “Aggie, I’m pregnant I’m not married and I have gonorrhoea into the bargain. That’s all Aggie ... That’s all,” she cried as she spoke. ”Don’t you think that is QUITE ENOUGH?”

  Aggie trembled with anxiety for her sister’s misfortune and wished for an appropriate way of telling her of her concern, but words would not readily come.

  “If it’s any consolation Aggie, I’m not alone. I’m number 6093. You see there are quite a lot of us.”

  ***

  Mary Blair was waiting to console both her daughters when they arrived home. She knew nothing and was told nothing of the venereal disease, but she was most sympathetic and understanding about the forthcoming birth. Nobody ever pursued the question of parenthood, but Willie wondered about the afternoon a few months ago, when he saw Sadie with that older man. Charlie wanted to ‘knock his block off whoever he was’ but the others accepted the situation and Sadie herself grew more tolerant of her state as time went by and adopted a certain quiet, if somewhat extravagant anticipation of the times ahead. She answered the call of her ‘number’ every two weeks until she was able to conclude her 6093 demands and she was free to look forward to the birth of her baby . in comparative peace.

  Chapter Thirty-Three

  Charlie jumped into bed with his usual gusto and sighed heavily. Bed time was the only real time when he and Willie could get together and put the world to rights for they never saw each other at any other time of the day.

  He dug Willie in the ribs a frequent and common practice of the handsome Charlie boy.

  “Ouch! What’s that for?”

  Charlie screwed his face up in anger, as Willie queried his action.

  “Have you any idea who Sadie’s man could be?” he asked.

  Willie thought for a few moments before he answered.

  “Naw ...It could be anyone, I suppose.” he said.

  “What do you mean by that, Willie? She doesn’t throw it about, does she?”

  “You’d better ask her that. I don’t know what she does when she’s not at home, do
I?”

  Charlie reflected on what his brother had said as he pulled his knees up to his chin.

  “She’s a nice lookin’ lassie and she’s very popular wi’ the laddies, isn’t she? But I wish she’d tell us who this bugger is and then maybe she could settle down and get married and we’d have some peace, eh?”

  Willie turned to Charlie and pulled the blanket from his face where he was muttering incoherently.

  “Would you marry a girl if you got her pregnant and you weren’t in love with her?”

  Charlie was surprised at such an unexpected and mature question from his younger brother. He smiled wickedly as he looked at Willie with a certain admiration in his eye.

  “It’s different for loddies isn’t it? Anyway, I wouldn’t go wi’ a lassie if I didn’t love her ... well I don’t think I would. Would you?”

  “What about Cathie Coutts then?”

  Charlie stared at Willie in astonishment.

  “Do you believe all that crap about me havin’ sex wi’ that yin?” he demanded to know but before Willie could answer he assured him further. “I only kissed her and well touched her tits a wee bit, that was all.”

  “And you didn’t go any farther then?”

  “No I couldn’t,”

  Willie looked perplexed.

  “What do you mean by that?”

  “It was the wrong time of the month, wee brother ... that was why stupid.”

  “What do ye mean the wrong time of the month? Is that when they have that thing happening to them?”

  “Oh! You are clever aren’t you ... You’d better be careful if ever you take a lassie out. Make sure she’s O.K. before you start anything, do you hear me?”

  “But you would have done things tae Cathie Coutts if it was a different time, wouldn’t you?”

  Charlie sat upright in the bed and grabbed his pillow.

  “Is this the Spanish Inquisition, or what ... I don’t know why you’re asking me all these questions, Willie. If I have or if I haven’t done anything wi’ lassies, it’s none of your bloody business, so will ye get yer head down and let me have some sleep.”