Breaking Free (The Den Boys Book 3)

by A. T Brennan

  “I got too close and had to pretend I had to go to the bathroom so I could calm down.”

  Zander leaned back and picked up his beer, a cocky smile on his full lips.

  “Shut up.” I picked up a chicken wing and concentrated on taking a bite as I felt my face grow even hotter.

  “I didn’t say anything.”

  “You didn’t have to.”

  Zander chuckled and picked up one of the potato skins.

  We managed to finish off the entire platter, and while I’d eaten more than my fair share, Zander hadn’t held back either. We’d chatted about random things, and when our bellies were full of greasy bar food and beer, a young blond man came up to clear our dishes.

  “Cody, you’re not a busboy anymore,” Zander scolded playfully as the guy — Cody — loaded his arms up with dishes.

  “True, but there was no other way to come over and force you to introduce me to your date. I’m the only one who hasn’t met him.” Cody looked at Zander pointedly.

  “Layla hasn’t.”

  “Fine, I’m the only one with boy parts who hasn’t.”

  Zander laughed and nodded to me. “Kai, this is Cody. Cody, Kai.”

  “Nice to meet you.” Cody grinned at me. “I’d shake your hand, but I didn’t think this all the way through.” He nodded to the dishes he was carrying.

  “You too, Cody.”

  I couldn’t help feeling a flare of jealousy when Zander patted Cody on the back affectionately and gave him a smile that was a little more familiar than the ones I’d seen him give Rhys. Had he and Cody had a thing at some point?

  Cody looked like he was just out of high school, but if he was bartending, then he had to be at least twenty-one. He was slender like me, had blue eyes like me, but his hair was blond, and he was a bit taller and broader. If I was Zander’s type, then so was Cody.

  “What?” Zander asked after Cody had left.

  “Nothing.”

  “You look like it’s something.”

  “Were you and Cody ever...”

  “No.” He shook his head emphatically. “Cody is like a little brother to me. He’s only twenty-two.”

  “I’m only twenty-four.”

  “He’s a young twenty-two. Besides, Cody’s in a committed relationship. You would have seen his ring if his hands had been free.”

  “Ring? He’s married?”

  “Symbolically. He and his boyfriends wear them since getting married isn’t an option for them.”

  “Boyfriends?”

  “Two of them.”

  “He’s in a throuple?”

  “A what?”

  “A threesome couple. A throuple.”

  “Yeah. A throuple.” He laughed at the term. “You were jealous.”

  “Was not.”

  “You so were.”

  “Whatever.” I rolled my eyes, refusing to admit the truth.

  “Trust me; I don’t look at anyone here like that. And there hasn’t been anyone I’ve looked at like I look at you, not since...”

  “I’m sorry for assuming. And it means a lot that you’d say that.”

  “I have a type. I’m not going to lie. You’re it to the letter, but not every guy who looks like my type turns my head. There has to be more for me.”

  “Well, you’re pretty much my type too.” I swallowed, wishing I still had some of my drink left. “And I get what you mean. There has to be something special about them for me to really notice.”

  “So you and your friend Levi...”

  “What? No.” I shook my head quickly. “We’re friends. Well, we’ve messed around a bit, but we don’t have those kinds of feelings for each other. I love him, but I’ve never been in love with him.”

  “You’ve fucked?”

  Now it was Zander’s turn to sound jealous.

  “No. Just fooled around.”

  “Sorry. I went a little alpha male on you there.” He grinned sheepishly. “What you’ve done in your past is none of my business.”

  “It’s okay. I had to fight the urge to challenge Cody to a duel, and you’ve never had a thing with him.”

  “Want to get out of here?”

  “Sure.” I nodded and we both stood.

  “Do you have much to do tonight?”

  “A shit ton of studying. I have a major test in the morning,” I said regretfully.

  “Okay. I’ll drive you home.”

  I could hear the disappointment in his voice and tried not to smile. He didn’t want the date to end either.

  I was just pushing my hair back from my forehead when Zander leaned in and gave me a kiss.

  His lips lingered on mine for a moment as his tongue quickly dipped into my mouth. Before I could do more than meet his kiss, he pulled back.

  I felt like I was floating as we headed out of the bar. We’d had an awesome date, and he’d kissed me in front of everyone at the bar, including his friends.

  As he waved goodbye to Cody and Blaze, they both looked a little shell-shocked as they waved back.

  He liked me, and this was a real date.

  “My car is in the lot this way.” Zander nodded to the right when we stepped out of the bar.

  As we turned, he paused so he fell into step a few paces away from me. I wasn’t a big hand holder, so I hadn’t been about to reach for him or anything, but it would have been nice if he’d stayed a little closer and not made it look like he was my chaperone.

  We walked to his car in silence, and I tried not to think too much about what was going on.

  As soon as we were in the car, Zander visibly relaxed and looked at me. “Are you busy on Sunday?”

  “Um, not that I know of. I’ll have some work to do, but I don’t have any tests or assignments due next week.”

  “Do you want to come over after you’re finished dancing on Saturday?”

  “Really?”

  “Yeah. It would be nice to wake up with you again.”

  “Yes. Definitely.” I couldn’t help grinning as a flush moved over my skin. “Pick me up again?”

  “I’ll come over after I’m off. We should be done around the same time.”

  “Too bad you can’t come earlier and watch my set. It’s pole night, and I have a few new moves I’m going to be busting out.”

  I saw Zander shift out of the corner of my eye and suppressed a grin as he adjusted himself. It was nice to know that the thought of me dancing got him hard.

  “Will you send me a picture of your costume?”

  “I’ll do you one better. I’ll get Angel to take a video of my warm-up.”

  “Tease.” He groaned and ran a hand through his thick hair.

  “I can be.”

  It didn’t take long to get to my building, and when he’d parked in front I turned in my seat.

  “I had fun,” I said honestly. I wasn’t one to play games, so I didn’t see the point in being coy.

  “Me too. Maybe we can find something else to do on Sunday that we can both enjoy. Spending the day in bed is awesome, but might be too tempting.”

  “I’ll plan something.” I grinned excitedly. It would be nice to be the one who was in charge of our next date.

  “It’s a date. Enjoy your studying.”

  “Thanks. Would it be weird if I called you when I was done? To say goodnight?”

  “Not weird at all.” He smiled and patted my hand where it rested on the seat beside me. “I’d like that.”

  I leaned forward again, expecting another kiss, but Zander didn’t move. In fact, it was as though he purposely looked away from me and pretended that he hadn’t seen me lean in.

  Another wave of shame and hurt washed over me. He could kiss me at the bar, in front of his friends, but not in his car? The only explanation I could think of was that he was embarrassed. Not all men who liked femme guys were okay with broadcasting it. His ex might have been flamboyant as he’d told me, but that didn’t mean he’d want to publicly claim me.

  “I’ll talk to you later.�
� I pushed the door open and scrambled outside before he could see how hurt I was. He wouldn’t be the first guy who wanted to hide me.

  “Later, Kai.”

  I closed the door, a little harder than I needed to and hurried into my building. I really needed to study and freaking out about the guy I was seeing being ashamed of me would only be a distraction.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Zander

  I felt like dog shit as I watched Kai practically run into his building without a backward glance.

  I hated that my knee-jerk reaction to him trying to kiss me in public was to avoid him. I wasn’t trying to hurt Kai, but it was instinctive.

  One of the few things Kaden’s mother had said to me on the phone the day she’d told me about his bashing was that it was my fault. If we hadn’t flaunted our sexuality or been together, then he would have been safe. I might not have been there the day he was attacked, but she’d had a point.

  Kaden never hid who he was, but he’d only started acting that way after we’d been together for a few months. When I’d met him, he’d put a lot of effort into dressing and acting how he thought a “real man” should. His family had convinced him that being anything less than masculine made him worthless. They already hated that he was gay, they couldn’t handle it if he “acted” gay too.

  I’d been the one to convince him to be himself. I’d told him to ditch the baggy and generic clothes and stop trying to be interested in sports and beer because those were stereotypes in and of themselves, and he wasn’t happy. It had taken some time, but he’d started to embrace his true personality, and he’d fucking owned it.

  If he felt like wearing eyeliner or dying pink streaks in his hair, then he’d done it, and I’d been proud of him. It might not be my style, but it was his, and I loved him for who he was, not who he thought the world wanted him to be.

  I’d also been the one to tell him about Open Arms. We’d both volunteered there, but I’d been the one to hear about the shelter, and I’d brought him there.

  His mother was right. He’d been targeted because of me, and I wasn’t going to let that happen to Kai.

  He might not be as flamboyant as Kaden, and he definitely had a tamer style, but he was still feminine, and he’d admitted that people had fucked with him even before he came out.

  I could kiss him in a safe place like The Den or our homes, but out in the open? No. It was too risky. No one would come after me, but he was a perfect target for bashers.

  I would never forgive myself if something happened to another man I cared about because I’d been careless and given in to temptation.

  “HELLO?” I PICKED UP the phone just after midnight, a little shocked that Kai had called after the way we’d parted.

  “Hi, were you up?”

  “I’m still on a night schedule. I’m usually up until two or three on my nights off.”

  “I try to get to bed around midnight when I have class the next day.”

  The conversation stilted, and I knew I had to make amends.

  “Kai, listen... I’m sorry.”

  “It’s fine.”

  “No, it’s not. I should have told you—”

  “That you’re ashamed of me?”

  “What?” I almost dropped my phone.

  “That would be an interesting conversation to start. ‘Hey, Kai, listen. I think you’re swell and all, but I don’t want anyone to know we’re together because you’re too much of a qu—”

  “No!” I cut in, not wanting to hear what he was going to call himself.

  He thought I was ashamed of him?

  “Then what?” he demanded when I didn’t answer right away.

  “I’m not ashamed of you, Kai. Not at all. I love that you live your life and you’re your own person. I want everyone to know we’re together.”

  “Then why did you pull away? We can’t even walk together without you pretending we’re accidentally occupying the same space.”

  “I don’t want to put a target on your back,” I said softly.

  “What?”

  “Bashers are everywhere. There are people who will hurt us for being gay, but it’s not me they’ll go after.”

  “It’s cute that you think I need a knight in shining armor, but cut that shit out.” His voice wasn’t angry, but he definitely wasn’t pleased with me.

  “I’ve been taking care of myself for a long time. People are going to fuck with me if I’m kissing my boyfriend or just walking down the street. I am what I am, and being with you isn’t going to put me in any more danger than if I was alone and just being me.”

  “I’m sorry, Kai. It’s just that with Kaden...” I paused as my throat tightened.

  “What happened to him wasn’t your fault. You told me you weren’t even there,” he said softly.

  “Maybe not, but it’s still my fault.”

  “Zander—”

  “I can’t get into it over the phone. I want to tell you, but not like this.”

  “Okay. I get it.” Kai sighed. “If that’s the reason we can’t be close in public, then I can deal with that. I’m not that into PDA anyway. Holding hands isn’t really my thing, and I don’t like when anyone sucks face in public. But walking next to each other, a kiss hello or goodbye— that’s all I really want.”

  “I can’t promise to change overnight, but I can try to work on that. I don’t want to treat you like a friend; you’re more than that. I just need time.”

  “I can give you that.”

  “I like you, Kai. I haven’t liked anyone in a really long time. Not since Kaden.”

  “I like you too.” His voice got tight for a moment. “And I get that this isn’t easy for you.”

  “It’s still no excuse to hurt you. I’m sorry I didn’t explain and let you think I was ashamed of you.”

  “It’s fine. I’m glad we got it cleared up.”

  I didn’t know what to say. I was still reeling from how badly I’d hurt him without even realizing it.

  “I have an early morning. I just wanted to say goodnight,” he said after a pause.

  “Goodnight, Kai. Can I call you on my break tomorrow? Before you go to sleep?”

  “Sure.” I could almost hear him smile through the phone. “I log off just before midnight and usually go to bed right after.”

  “I’ll call at midnight.”

  “Great. So I’ll talk to you then?”

  “Talk to you then.”

  I heard the connection get cut and sighed as I put down my phone. I was going to be up for hours, and I knew my head would be spinning until I finally fell asleep.

  BY TEN O’CLOCK ON SATURDAY night I was beyond bored at work, and wishing I could leave and go watch Kai dance. It was slow at the bar, especially for a weekend, and I’d already sent Blaze home because we didn’t need the extra hands.

  I’d called Kai Thursday night right at midnight, and the conversation had gone better than the night before. I could tell he was still hurt, but at least he understood where I was coming from now. We hadn’t talked long, but it had been nice to have the chance to wish him goodnight.

  It had taken everything in my power not to lock the office door and watch his show before I called him. Watching porn at work, especially porn the guy I was seeing was starring in, was a big no-no, and I wasn’t going to break the rules just because I was horny as hell.

  I hadn’t gotten a chance to talk to him last night. He’d sent me a text saying he’d picked up an extra dance shift, so he was closing the club, and it would be after three a.m. before he got home. It wasn’t too late for me, but when I’d messaged back asking if he was alright, he’d texted that he was tired. Then he’d sent me a picture of him in his costume.

  He’d looked hot as fuck in a pair of skin-tight baseball pants, baseball socks, running shoes, and a hat. It was apparently sports night at the club, and even though I hadn’t told him, I’d always had a thing for baseball players, so I was extremely happy with his costume choice.

  I
still felt like shit for hurting Kai, but that didn’t stop my body from wanting him. My logical brain knew that going slow was the right thing to do, that I needed to treat Kai differently from every other guy I’d been with since Kaden, but it was fucking hard.

  My body craved him. I thought about him constantly whether I was in the shower jerking off or at the gym lifting weights. He was the first person I thought of in the morning and the last face I pictured when I closed my eyes at night.

  More than that I liked his company. He made me laugh in a way that no one else had since Kaden. He wasn’t afraid to challenge my views, and he was smart, so I was constantly learning from him. He was also a contradiction. Here he was, a dancer and cam model, but he was actually quite shy and unsure of himself. I also loved that he didn’t play games.

  Kai said what was on his mind, and even if it didn’t always come out right, he was always honest. He wasn’t trying to force me to constantly prove myself, and he didn’t try to manipulate me like so many other guys. He was genuine, but that also made him vulnerable.

  Ding.

  I pulled my phone out of my pocket and saw a new message from Kai. As I opened the thread, my breathing hitched, and my adrenaline started pumping. It was a video message, and by the counter it was almost two minutes long.

  “Zander?” Cody asked, glancing between me and my phone.

  “What? Sorry, what? Did you say something?”

  “Other than your name? No.” Cody grinned. “Whatcha looking at?”

  “Nothing.” I shoved my phone back in my pocket and tried to look as though I hadn’t just popped an epic boner.

  “That wasn’t a nothing face. That was a sext face.” Rhys grinned and leaned over Cody, almost crushing the smaller man on the bartop as he tried to stick his hand in my pocket to grab my phone.

  “Oof, get off, tubs,” Cody grumbled under Rhys. “You’re fucking heavy.”

  “You’re just not used to having a real man on top of you.” Rhys chuckled as he stood up and gripped Cody around the waist so he could shift their places.

  “I’ve got two men at home who would beg to differ with that statement.” Cody pushed his hair back off his forehead.