Breaking Free (The Den Boys Book 3)

by A. T Brennan

  The panic and the urge to look around was gone. I had no idea when the switch had been flipped, but I was glad. Kai deserved to be treated like my partner, and keeping him at a distance wasn’t going to protect him from harm. It would only hurt him and make him feel like I was ashamed to be with him.

  “Call me on your break tomorrow?” Kai asked, smiling at me.

  “For sure. Have a good show. Think of me.”

  “I always do.” He winked cheekily and pushed the car door open. “Have a good night.”

  “You too, babe.”

  As I watched Kai head into his building, my eyes lingered on his ass.

  I was glad we’d put the physical on hold to develop the emotional aspect of our relationship. I honestly didn’t think I’d be at this point if we hadn’t. Sex with Kai was awesome, but it would have overshadowed everything. It would have been my focus, and I would have been distracted from all of his other wonderful qualities. I’d fallen in lust with Kai the moment I’d seen him at the club that first night, and I was glad I’d had the chance to fall in love with him in the weeks since then.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Kai

  By the time my show was over on Wednesday and I was waiting for Zander to pick me up, I was getting apprehensive. I’d talked to Zander every day this week, multiple times, but I was still worried about him. Would he even want me there now that the anniversary was tomorrow?

  I was his present, Kaden was his past. He liked me, I’d even go as far as to say he really liked me, but Kaden was his first love. There was no way I could compete with that, and I was worried he’d push me away because I could never replace what he’d lost.

  I tried to concentrate on the reading I was doing. Science made sense to me. It was logical and concise, and there were no gray areas. It wasn’t messy and unpredictable like life. While reading and studying usually calmed me down, tonight I just couldn’t seem to focus for more than a few pages before my mind would start to wander again.

  My phone vibrated on the bed next to me, and I checked the screen. It was a message from that same zero-filled number.

  Dread and fear washed over me. This was the first message I’d gotten since just after my show on Monday. I’d hoped that whomever it was had finally given up when I didn’t get a call or a message on Tuesday or all of Wednesday. It was after midnight, so it was technically Thursday. He’d gone forty-eight hours without contacting me.

  Was this some sort of tease? Trying to give me a false sense of hope that it was over?

  “Fuck it.” I picked up my phone and opened the message thread. There were four pictures and no text.

  The first was a picture of me and Angel standing in the smoking pit behind Chimera while Angel had a smoke. That was from my shift on Friday. I recognized the hat Angel had worn that day.

  The next one was a shot of me on stage, and by my outfit, it was taken on Saturday. The next two were screenshots. One from my show on Monday. I could tell because I had my green sheets on the bed, and the dildo I’d used on cam was sitting next to me as I smiled at the camera. It must have been taken during the chat part after I’d come.

  The last was from today’s show. It was me moments before I’d gone offline. It had been taken less than half an hour ago.

  Instead of deleting the photos, I exited my messages and tossed my phone on the bed as I buried my face in my hands.

  What the fuck did he want from me? Why was he sending me these messages? What the hell was his endgame?

  Maybe he was doing this to mess with my head, and it wasn’t some adoring stalker but someone who wanted to fuck with me. I didn’t know if that was better or worse than an actual stalker, but either way, I just wanted him to go away and leave me alone.

  I was contemplating putting my phone on silent for the next few hours when it vibrated, then vibrated again. It wasn’t a message; it was a phone call.

  I flipped my phone over and saw Zander’s picture on the home screen.

  “Hello?”

  “Hey, are you okay?”

  “Yeah, why?” I tried to even out my breathing. The last thing Zander needed was to hear me freaking out about this, especially tonight.

  “You sound a bit off.”

  “I’m good. Are you on a break?”

  “Evan’s letting me go home early.”

  “He is?”

  “He’s working tonight, and when he found out that I wasn’t going to be spending the night or tomorrow, alone, he suggested I take off. Are you all done?”

  “I’m good to go whenever you are.”

  “I’m leaving here in a few minutes, so I’ll text you when I’m outside. I know you can take care of yourself, but I don’t like the idea of you waiting outside at this hour.”

  “I’ll stay in my apartment until I get your message. I promise.”

  I didn’t much fancy the idea of being outside alone right now either. Staying in was not going to be an issue.

  “I’ll see you soon.”

  “Soon.”

  The connection was cut, and I slammed my book closed.

  I wasn’t going to worry about phone calls or messages, or what my maybe admirer was planning. Tonight and tomorrow were about being there for Zander. It wasn’t about me and my problems.

  Zander’s text came less than half an hour after I spoke to him, and I quickly shouldered my bag and locked up the apartment before going outside to meet him.

  “Hi.” He leaned forward and gave me a quick kiss when I was settled in the car.

  “Hi.”

  “You look tired.” He brushed his fingers over my cheek before tucking a wayward lock of hair behind my ear.

  “Long day. Not all of us can sleep in until noon,” I added teasingly.

  “Hey, I’ll have you know I was up at ten and at the gym by eleven.” Zander grinned as he put the car in gear and pulled away from my building.

  “I was up at six to get to my eight a.m. class,” I said wryly.

  Zander chuckled and reached over to put his hand over mine. While it was true I’d never been into holding hands before, I had to admit I really liked when Zander would touch me like this.

  We didn’t talk much as Zander drove us to his house. It was almost one in the morning by the time we were inside, and Zander led me straight to his bedroom.

  Silently, we stripped down to our underwear and climbed into bed together.

  “You feel really good,” I said sleepily, my body relaxing as soon as he put his arm around me and tugged me close to his body.

  “So do you. Would it be weird to say that I miss you when I sleep alone?” he asked softly as he kissed my hair.

  “Not at all. I miss you too.” I snuggled into his chest and closed my eyes. “I sleep better when I’m with you.”

  “Same.” Zander kissed my hair again and gently rubbed my arm. “Goodnight, Kai.”

  “Night, Zander.” I yawned, already half asleep. “Love you.”

  LOVE YOU.

  My eyes snapped open, my sleepy declaration ringing in my ears as I woke up. It was early morning. I could tell by the amount of light in the room, and it felt like Zander was still asleep as he held me close.

  I love you? What the fuck had I done?

  It was true, I did love him, but last night was not the time to tell him. I could only imagine the panic he must have felt. We weren’t there yet, Zander certainly wasn’t there yet, and to dump that on him on the anniversary of his first love’s death? What the fuck was wrong with me?

  I had an almost overwhelming urge to flee. I’d fucked everything up, and I didn’t want to have to face him or force him to face me. There were two problems with that idea, however. The first was I was stranded on a Thursday morning in an area I didn’t know, and I didn’t have enough money for a cab home. The second was that Zander shouldn’t be alone today even if I was the world’s biggest idiot.

  Instead of slipping out from under Zander’s arm and bolting, I pulled in a deep breath and tried to relax.
I couldn’t take the words back, and there was nothing I could do to change things. I might as well try to get a little more sleep. I’d have to face the music soon enough.

  “MORNING.”

  A pair of lips pressed against my forehead as I was pulled even closer to a warm body, slowly drawing me out of sleep.

  “Mmmmm.” I snuggled up against the solid chest I was lying on as the world slowly came into focus.

  “Are you ready to get up?” Zander asked softly as he rested his cheek on the top of my head.

  “Mmm hmm.” I blinked my eyes open and stretched against him.

  The reality of my sleepy declaration hit me like a bucket of water to the face, and I froze in Zander’s arms.

  “Don’t freak out, Kai.” Zander shifted me so he could look into my eyes. “What you said last night, is it true?”

  “What do you mean?” I stalled, trying to figure out a way to backpedal out of this mess.

  “Did you mean it, or was it just something that came out as you were falling asleep?”

  He was giving me an out. I could just say I’d been so far gone it had slipped out and didn’t mean anything. I was about to do just that when I made the mistake of looking into Zander’s eyes.

  He looked so fragile and vulnerable, but there was a sliver of hope in his gaze too. I couldn’t lie to him. Not about this.

  “It’s true.”

  “Say it again.”

  “I love you, Zander.”

  Saying it the second time was infinitely harder than the first, considering the first had just slipped out. But once the words were out there, I felt better. It was true. I loved him, and he should know that.

  “I love you too, Kai.”

  Zander saved me from having to say anything by giving me a deep kiss, erasing every thought except how perfect he felt against me.

  After he pulled away, Zander lay back and tucked me up against his body.

  “How are you doing?” I asked carefully.

  “I’m not sure. I feel okay, but I feel guilty that I feel okay. If that makes sense.”

  “It does.”

  “I’m sad, and I’m remembering him, but not the fact that he’s gone. It’s like all the good parts of our relationship are coming back to me. I miss him, but it’s not like he’s dying all over again.”

  “Why don’t you tell me about him? Tell me about the good parts. Share him and keep his memory alive.”

  “You wouldn’t mind?”

  “Of course not.” I looked up at Zander to make sure he could see how serious I was, how much I meant what I was saying. “He’s a huge part of your past and will always be in your life. You don’t have to hide anything from me. Not about anything, but especially not about him.”

  “Thank you, Kai.” He hugged me tighter and dropped a kiss on my lips. “I have no one to talk about him with. Other than Evan, I haven’t kept in touch with any of my friends from back then. My family is gone, and his was never a part of our lives.”

  I didn’t answer. Instead, I settled against his chest and waited for Zander to start.

  We lay on his bed like that for almost three hours. Zander told me stories about how they met and their life together. He opened up and told me about his almost suicide attempt the year before, and how he’d forced himself into isolation because he’d felt he needed to be punished.

  I didn’t say much at all. Just asked a few questions here and there to keep the conversation flowing, and when Zander was done and all talked out, I felt so much closer to him.

  “Do you have any pictures of him?” I asked after a lengthy pause.

  “A few.” He nodded and pulled his arm out from under me so he could reach into the bedside table. He pulled out a framed photo and handed it to me.

  It was a picture of the two of them. Zander looked so young and carefree, and happy. Kaden was exactly what I’d thought he’d be but still managed to be completely different. He was about my size, but his hair had been blond. His eyes were a warm brown, and he had a gorgeous smile. He was very handsome, and they looked amazing together.

  “You guys look great together, so happy.”

  “It was a great day. It was right after we got engaged.”

  “Can I ask you something?” I handed Zander the photo back.

  “Of course.”

  “Have you always gone for guys like us?”

  “I have a type, that’s for sure.” Zander put the book back in the drawer and pulled me close once again. “But not always. Before Kaden, I was drawn to guys like him but didn’t only go for them. After him, I wasn’t picky at all, not when I was going through my grieving phase and slutting it up.”

  “Oh.”

  “Why?”

  “Your hook-up clothes.”

  “My what?”

  “The clothes you gave me to wear that night. They fit me, so they had to be what you gave your hook-ups.”

  “Those weren’t hook-up clothes. They were Kaden’s. I still have a few boxes of his things in the spare room. I couldn’t let go of everything.”

  “What?” I sat up and turned to face him. “Zander?”

  “You’re the first guy since him that I let stay the night. I never gave anyone ‘hook-up’ clothes because I wanted them to get dressed and get the fuck out. I wanted you to stay, so I gave you the only clothes I had that would fit you.”

  “Zander...” I didn’t know what to say, what I could say.

  “I knew you were special, right from the start.” He sighed and sat up so he could face me. “I wanted to keep things casual, but from that first kiss, I knew that wasn’t going to be possible.”

  “I love you.” The words burst out of me before I could stop them.

  Zander smiled and pulled me against his chest in a hug. “I love you too.”

  “Kai?” he asked after a few moments.

  “Yes?”

  “Will you come somewhere with me?”

  “Of course. Where are we going?”

  “To Open Arms. I haven’t been back there since before the bashing. It’s time I fix that and start volunteering again. I miss the work I did there, and I need to see it again, face it.”

  “We can go whenever you’re ready.”

  “How about we shower, grab some food and then head out?”

  “Sounds perfect. You want to shower first.”

  “Only if you join me.”

  “Deal.”

  “HOW ARE YOU DOING?” I asked as we climbed out of Zander’s car. He’d been quiet the entire drive over, and I was worried this might be too hard on him.

  “I’m not sure.” He came around the car and looked down at me. “It’s so strange to think that it’s been six years. I spent so much time here, we both did. Then Kaden was attacked, and I could never come back.”

  “You’re here now.” I gave him what I hoped was an encouraging smile. “You can do this.”

  “I can with you here.” He took my hand and gave it a squeeze. I expected him to drop it, but instead, he held on and pulled in a deep breath.

  “Ready?” I asked when he looked down the street, an apprehensive look on his face.

  “I’m ready.”

  Still holding my hand, Zander began walking down the street. His steps were a little shorter than usual, and he was definitely walking slower. I matched my pace to his and squeezed his hand.

  “Here’s where they say it happened.”

  Zander stopped about ten feet past the door to the shelter and looked at the wall of the building. “I read the police report. This is about where he hit the wall.” He looked at the ground in front of us. “This is where he would have lain, bleeding, while no one did a damn thing to help.”

  “Zander, baby. My hand,” I said softly. His grip was a little too tight, and my fingers were starting to ache.

  “Sorry.” He loosened his hold but didn’t let me go.

  “It’s okay.”

  “It seems crazy that someone was attacked here. That this is the place wher
e they were essentially murdered, and it looks normal. You’d never know anything happened, but this was the end of a life.” He sighed, and I looked up to check out his expression.

  He didn’t look angry or sad. In fact, his face was pretty neutral.

  “Maybe you can change that?” I suggested.

  “How do you mean?”

  “Maybe we can buy a plaque with his name on it. Ask if they’ll put it up to give him a memorial.”

  “We?” Zander looked down at me, his eyes bright with what looked like unshed tears.

  “Yes, we.” I squeezed his hand and tried not to tear up myself. “He’s a part of your life, so that makes him a part of mine. I don’t want you to forget about him, and I don’t want you to stop celebrating his life or mourning his death.”

  “You’re incredible, Kai.”

  Zander bent to give me a quick kiss, and I flushed at the contact. I’d noticed how he could touch me in public now without cringing or looking around. I might not have been a fan of PDA before, but that seemed to be changing now that Zander was the one touching me.

  “Do you want to go in?” I asked as he turned to look at the wall again.

  “Yeah. Jonah should be working. We can talk to him about the plaque, and about volunteering.”

  “I don’t have a lot of spare time, and I’m not the best role model. But I’d like to do what I can to help out too,” I said as we turned to head back to the door.

  “Why would you say that?” Zander pulled me to a stop and turned to face me.

  “I’m a go-go dancer who does cam shows for money. Not the best gay role model for youths.”

  “There is nothing wrong with dancing or doing cam shows. You’re a wonderful role model, Kai. You’re smart and driven and strong, and you’ve overcome so much. You’re proud of who you are, you’re comfortable with your body, and you make others happy by providing a service. Never be ashamed that you work in the adult industry. There’s nothing to be ashamed of.”