“I need to know something, Cole.” I whisper softly, nervously observing his agitated movements “I need to know if you followed me.”
He glances at me, trepidation and doubt written all over his face. It’s as though he doesn’t know whether or not he should be honest with me and the torturous wait for him to make up his mind is beyond infuriating.
“Yes.” He says solemnly, lowering his eyes to the floor.
“Why?”
“You know why.”
“I don’t.”
“You do. You just don’t want to admit it to yourself.” He speaks with conviction, locking those breathtakingly dark eyes onto my own. “Believe me, I didn’t want to face up to it either. Why the hell do you think I’ve been fighting against it all these weeks?”
“So you admit that you’ve been ignoring me?”
“That might be how it appeared but nothing could be further from the truth. I haven’t been able to get you out of my head for a single fucking moment since you first collided with me on the first day of school.”
“B-but the night of Stacey’s party you were…”
I can’t even bring myself to finish my sentence. Remembering that night brings back some awful memories, especially the vision I have of Cole with that girl. That’s an image I can’t erase, regardless of how hard I’ve tried to do so.
“I didn’t know you were going to be there. How was I supposed to know? I didn’t even want to be there myself, a couple of my friends persuaded me to go but it’s the last place I wanted to be that night. I got drunk and I guess you know the rest of what happened…”
“But you saw me. You actually saw me watching you and you just carried on. Why would you do that? Why would you want me to see that?”
“Because I’m fucked up, alright?! I always have been and I always will be. Believe me, I’ve seen enough therapists and doctors to prove it.”
“Don’t say that.” I beg him, closing the distance between us.
I place a tentative hand on his shoulder, willing him to turn around and face me.
“You don’t know the first thing about me or what I’m capable of.” He whispers menacingly, clenching his fists. “My anger… sometimes I can’t control it, no matter how hard I try. I just see red and lash out before I can do anything to stop it. Like today with that son of a bitch who was trying to hurt you.”
“Have you tried to get any help with this? Anger management classes or something?”
“They’re useless.” He scoffs, striding across the room until he reaches the kitchen window. “None of it works… at least none of it works for me.”
The window he’s now standing at is the same one I saw him out of the night I got back from Stacey’s party. The night I first noticed his tall silhouette outside my house.
“Remember the night you were stood out there?” I ask, joining him at the window. “You really frightened me when I first saw you that night.”
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have followed you home after the party but I just wanted to make sure that you were ok. I know it must have scared you but I didn’t really care about any of that at the time and that’s what makes me so fucked up. I got off on the fact that you had seen me with another girl, Serena. A girl I don’t give a shit about and then I wanted you to know that I was capable of finding you, that I had the power of tracking you down. I suppose I didn’t want you to think that you have the same amount of freedom as I do. I wanted you to know that I’ll always be here, keeping a close eye on you… watching. No man can ever touch you besides me, you do know that, don’t you?”
“Cole…”
“I mean it, Serena. You’re mine. You’ve been mine since the first moment I laid eyes on you and I’m done fighting it. I’m done with fucking other girls in an attempt to get over you and get you out of my head. None of it works and I can finally see that now.”
“Y-you’ve been sleeping with other girls?”
My voice is barely audible and a part of me hopes that he didn’t even hear me. Mainly because I don’t know if I will be able to deal with hearing the answer to my question.
“Yeah. Too many.” He replies casually, raking his fingers through his hair.
“Why would you even tell me that?”
“I guess I’m just curious.” He says softly, turning his head to look at me. “I’ve been wanting to see how you would react when I told you. I’ve been trying so hard to free myself from the hold you already have over me. I swear to God I’ve tried! I even called out your name last night when I was with someone else.”
“What? You actually said my name? I can’t believe you’re telling me all of this, Cole. I really don’t want to hear anymore and I think you should leave.”
I move towards the kitchen door, hoping he will take the hint and follow me.
He doesn’t.
He ignores my request and continues, oblivious to the fact that his explicit revelation has the power to crush me.
“Let’s just say that she didn’t take too kindly to me crying out another girl’s name. She was furious and disgusted with me for thinking of someone else when I was supposed to be right there with her.”
I still can’t erase the image I now have of him with someone else. I keep on picturing a row of nameless, faceless women with exquisite bodies just waiting for Cole to throw a glance in their direction. I can’t help comparing myself and my own average appearance to the gorgeous girl I caught Cole with at Stacey’s party. I know I could never live up to his high expectations, not if that’s the type of girl he normally goes for.
“Cole, this is beyond crazy.” I confess, struggling to digest everything that has happened to me in the short space of twenty-four hours.
My body is weary and my head is spinning, all I want to do is fall into bed, close my eyes and forget about everything. I want this entire day to have been one hideous nightmare, something I can wake up from like a bad dream that never really happened.
“I know it’s crazy!” He yells, startling me by the harshness in his voice. “It’s insane and messed up. That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you!”
“What is it you want from me?”
“You. I just want you.” He says decidedly, grabbing hold of my shoulders in a vice-like grip.
“You mean… you want us to be together?” I whisper, sounding incredulous.
The idea of us being in an actual relationship is utterly inconceivable to me. How could someone like him be interested in someone as ordinary as myself? It’s impossible and I’m almost waiting for him to burst out laughing at my expense. Perhaps all of this is one big joke to him? He could be in on it with some of the guys from college, all of this could be a malicious and vindicate prank. Something they will broadcast online and find hysterical for years to come.
“Of course I do.” He declares boldly. “Don’t you know that by now? I can’t sleep, I can’t even fucking eat because I can’t get the damn thought of you out of my head. It’s driving me insane.”
He refuses to let go, glaring down at me with a blend of passion and… animosity in his eyes.
“I-I don’t know what to say.”
“Look, I know all of this must have come as a bit of a shock but I just wanted to be honest with you, Serena. I needed to explain why I lost control with that piece of scum who followed you home this afternoon and I didn’t want you to go back to school tomorrow and believe any of the bullshit that people will no doubt be saying about me.”
“You really think I would listen to anything those idiots have to say? The rumours they’ve spread about me this past year have ruined me. I’ve had to take every single ounce of their cruelty and malicious gossip without saying a word. Don’t fool yourself that I will ever believe anything they tell me.”
“What are you talking about? What malicious rumours?” He challenges me, tilting my face up towards his.
“Oh… I-I thought you knew.”
“Knew what?”
“The reason behind J
onathan being such a creep to me and thinking he had the right to touch me.”
“Serena, tell me.”
“I can’t. It’s too humiliating.” I wail, pulling myself free from his grasp.
“Tell me.” He persists, determined to get the truth out of me.
“Fine.” I eventually concede, certain that Cole won’t stop until I confess everything to him. “Last year I made a mistake, the biggest mistake of my life so far. There was this guy who went to our college, he left last year but before he did... we started talking. Our conversations mainly took place over the phone, text messages and phone calls. He was constantly telling me how beautiful and sexy he thought I was and I was dumb enough to believe him. One night he somehow managed to convince me that I should send him something. A photo… of myself.”
“Please tell me you didn’t...”
He holds his breath, begging me with his desperate eyes to deny it and tell him it isn’t true.
“I did.” I murmur softly, fighting to gain control over my feelings of despair and regret.
“Fuck, Serena! How could you be so stupid?! What on earth possessed you to do something like that? How could you think that he would keep it to himself? How did you actually fall for any of that crap he was telling you? I can’t believe someone as smart and intelligent as yourself could be so naive!”
“It was a mistake, alright?! One which I have more than paid for since it happened.” I sob, tugging on the ends of my hair in anguish. “You don’t know what it was like! I had to go into school every single day with the knowledge that everyone who went there had seen my picture. The guys still treat me like a piece of meat and the girls despise me. You don’t understand how miserable I’ve been or how close I came to giving in to it all. The only one who stuck by me was Lisa and for that I will always be her best friend.”
“Shh, baby. It’s ok. It’s all going to be ok, come here.” He grabs hold of me once more, crushing my fragile body against his solid chest. “No one will hurt you now. I swear to you I will never let that happen. I’ll protect you, Serena. You’re mine now and I’m going to make damn sure everyone at that school knows it. They won’t say anything to you, baby. Not now…”
“Cole, you can’t make those kind of promises. You can’t be with me every second of every day.”
“You’re right.” He sighs heavily. “I can’t be with you all the time but the threat of what I will do to anyone who is anything but kind and respectful towards you will be enough to keep them quiet.” He assures me, reluctant to relinquish his hold on me as I start to pull away from him.
“Really?” I ask, staring up at him with tear-filled eyes.
“I promise. It’s you and me now, ok? I won’t turn my back on you and I won’t let you deal with any of this by yourself.”
“But what about you? Even if you managed to convince Jonathan to drop the charges against you, you’re still going to be in major trouble at college.”
“I don’t give a shit about any of that. All I care about is being honest with you. Before I came here tonight I knew I had to explain myself to you. I didn’t want you to hear anything bad about me tomorrow when everyone will be talking about what happened.”
“What if they kick you out of school?” I ask suddenly, prising myself from him and his relentless grasp.
“I’m powerless to stop them if they decide to do that.”
“But… but they can’t! They can’t chuck you out of school for defending me! Not when Jonathan says he won’t press charges against you, right? They can’t do it, I won’t let them!” I cry helplessly, mirroring Cole’s frustration from earlier by pacing back and forth in agitation.
“Serena, it’s ok. Stop. Look at me and calm down.”
He tugs on my wrist, pulling me backwards against him. His chest is pressing against my back, allowing me to feel the violent hammering of his heart through his clothing.
“No matter what happens… this is it. You and me, ok? Whether I get kicked out of school or not, I don’t regret what I did. I would do it all again without a second thought because I would sacrifice anything in this world to protect you. You do believe me, don’t you?”
He forces me to look up at him, penetrating my soul with his scorching gaze. It’s as though he can see right through me, he can access the inside of my soul with just one look and this is nothing short of unsettling for me. No one has ever understood me, not my mum and certainly not my dad who I barely even see these days. That’s the reason I now refer to my father as ‘Him’ in my phone. I decided that I will no longer call him my dad until he starts behaving like one again.
“Serena? You do believe me, don’t you?”
Cole’s question pulls me out of my deep contemplation. I’m almost surprised to find that we’re still standing in my living room, I was so lost in my own thoughts.
“Yes. Yes, I do believe you. All of this is crazy, Cole. Its absolute madness but I really don’t care. Ever since we first spoke… I felt this indescribable pull towards you. I’ve tried to ignore it and I’ve tried to escape it but now… I’m done fighting it.”
“Thank God.” He exhales loudly, surrendering himself to the unyielding turmoil of his emotions.
It’s clear for me to see how exhausted he is. God knows how many hours he spent in a police cell before he got here and we both have school tomorrow. I realise with a heavy heart that it is time for us to say goodnight and start to wonder if I even have the strength to say goodbye to him.
“You must be so tired. You really need to go home and get some rest.” I advise him.
He interlaces our fingers and squeezes tightly, managing to encircle my entire hand in his own.
“I don’t want to leave you… it’s not right you spending the entire night in the house by yourself.”
“I’m used to it. It’s ok, I promise.” I lie, plastering an encouraging smile onto my face.
“What if I stay the night? I can always sleep on the sofa down here or in a spare room upstairs. I’m not trying to suggest that we…” He fails to complete his sentence,
“You would really do that?”
“Of course.”
“But what about your mum? Wont she be wondering where you are?”
“I highly doubt it. She doesn’t give a shit where I am so long as I’m not bringing trouble to her door.” He replies bitterly.
“And what about your dad?”
“Same thing. He doesn’t care. He walked out on me and my mum when I was a baby. I hardly see him and when I do all I can focus on is counting down the hours until I can get the hell out of there.”
“It’s the same with my dad.” I admit, lowering my gaze to the floor beneath our feet.
I’ve always found it uncomfortable talking about him. I guess it’s because I find it so humiliating that my own father has no interest in me whatsoever.
“Where is he?”
“He’s far away from here.” I whisper softly, furiously blinking away my unshed tears. “Remember that day we first bumped into one another at college and I dropped my phone?”
“Of course. I’ve replayed that moment in my head a thousand times since then.” He smiles softly, causing butterflies in my stomach.
“Well, the text message you saw from the person that I now refer to as ‘Him’ is my dad. He doesn’t care about me so I decided to stop caring about him. He doesn’t deserve to be known as my dad, let alone be called by it.”
“I’m sorry, baby.” He exhales deeply. “He’s one selfish son of a bitch for turning his back on you. I don’t understand how anyone could do that.”
“It’s ok. We can’t choose who our family are, right?”
“That’s true. I certainly wouldn’t have chosen my parents if I had any say in the matter.”
He wraps his strong arms around my waist and pulls me close, stroking his fingertips through the brown strands of my hair.
“Do you have any brothers or sisters?” I ask, trying to change the subject as well
as put some distance between us.
The closeness between me and Cole is enough to make me tremble and I’m afraid that if I stay in such close proximity to him, he’s going to realise what sort of affect he has over me. A single smile from him is enough to turn me on and I don’t know if that comes down to me being a virgin or the fact that Cole is ridiculously gorgeous. Either way, I’m embarrassed when it comes to my body’s physical response to him.
“Nope. I’m an only child.”
“Same here.” I mumble, willing my heart-rate to slow down.
“You see, we have more in common than you first thought.”
“Maybe.” I reply softly. “But that doesn’t change the fact that you can’t be here right now. We both have to get up tomorrow and it’s nearly four o’clock in the morning.”
“Ok, ok. You sure you don’t want me to stay?” He offers, glancing towards the couch as though he’s seriously considering spending the night there.
“No, I’ll be fine. I’m just going to go straight to bed.”
“Make sure you lock all your doors and windows, alright? And I’ll come and find you at school tomorrow. Don’t be worried or afraid about anything, Serena. No one will bother you or say a single thing that will upset you, I promise you that.”
He speaks with such certainty and sincerity, it’s almost impossible to doubt him.
“Ok.”
“Goodnight, Green.”
“Goodnight Cole. Thank you.”
“You don’t need to thank me, Serena. Not now, not ever.”
He places a delicate kiss on my forehead before he leaves and I find myself still stroking that same spot where he kissed me one hour later in bed.
I instinctively know that something has changed. Something has shifted inside of me and although I can’t figure out the right words to define it… I just know things will be different.
My life has changed.
It will never be the same.
And I couldn’t be happier.
Chapter Four
Walking into school the next morning is nothing short of terrifying. Lisa sent me a text the second I woke up informing me that she was going to pick me up in her car. I guess she must have decided to drive into school again and decided to accept her offer so we could share the journey together. The last thing I wanted to do was venture in by myself.
That Summer (Part One) Page 6