Beautifully Broken (The Broken Series Book 2)

by Ruff, K. S.

  Kadyn didn’t say anything. He just reached for my hand and pulled me in for a hug. My shoulders tensed as I fought back tears, but Kadyn held me until I relaxed into his arms.

  Lexie joined us just as we were stepping back from one another. “Nate’s carving the turkey. Can I get you something to drink, Kadyn?”

  Kadyn offered the faintest of smiles. “I’ll take a Sprite if you have it.”

  “We have root beer and cream soda,” she offered apologetically.

  He shoved his hands in his pockets. “Cream soda sounds great. Thanks.”

  I stood there awkwardly while Lexie retrieved the soda.

  My aunt walked up and draped her arm around Kadyn’s shoulders. “Did I ever tell you about the time Kri and Lexie broke open two cases of soda in the middle of the night? They were four years old and couldn’t read the labels on the cans, so they popped open and sampled every single can until they found the cream soda. Chuck and I were lying in bed trying to figure out why we kept hearing pop-shhhh, pop-shhhh, pop-shhhh.”

  Everyone laughed at my aunt’s rendition of the soda cans popping open. My uncle shook his head as he finished the story. “I found them hiding in the closet drinking the cream soda and eating cold hotdogs.”

  “You took our hotdogs, and we didn’t even get to finish the cream soda,” Lexie grumbled accusingly. She handed Kadyn a bottle of cream soda.

  “Turkey’s carved. Let’s eat!” Nate hollered from the dining room.

  Whether by mistake or chance, Kadyn and I ended up sitting together.

  Nate asked my dad to lead us in prayer, and we all bowed our heads. “Dear heavenly Father, we thank you for this day, for bringing our family together, and for bringing Krissy safely home. We thank you for sacrificing your son for the forgiveness of our sins, for being our rock in the storm, for your patience with us, for your guidance and understanding, and for your love. We ask that you bless this food that we are about to receive and the hands that so lovingly prepared it. In Jesus’ name we pray.”

  “Amen,” we ended as one.

  Chaos broke out as everyone began dishing up. A number of conversations sparked at once. I tried to follow the dialogue while we ate, but there were so many side bar discussions that I eventually gave up. Watching everyone around the table made me feel both happy and sad. Happy because I loved everyone so much and because it felt good to be with my family again. Sad because I couldn’t see a place for Michael here. If he reconsidered his decision to send me away, I would still want a future with him, and it pained me to think that he wouldn’t be accepted into my family.

  I could feel Kadyn’s eyes on me as I picked at my food and swallowed back tears.

  “Will you stay in Montana, Krissy?” Corina asked from across the table.

  I shrugged. “I don’t know. I need to go back to DC to take care of a few things. My Senate fellowship is over, but I want to thank Senator Rockefeller and say goodbye to my friends on the Hill.” I glanced nervously at Kadyn. “I don’t know if my other friends will want to see me, given all that’s happened.”

  “What about law school? You could finally get your law degree and come work for me,” Nate encouraged gently.

  I set my fork down. “I was considering law school back in March, but I found a graduate program at the Institute for Conflict Analysis and Resolution that I applied for instead. I don’t even know if I was accepted.”

  Kadyn cleared his throat. “You were accepted, but you’ve already missed most of the first semester.”

  I looked down at my plate. “Honestly, I don’t know what my options are at this point. I don’t even have a place to live.”

  “I kept your apartment, Kri. All of your things are still there,” Kadyn noted softly.

  I looked up in surprise and was immediately flooded with guilt. “I’m so sorry, Kadyn. I didn’t know. I’ll pay you back the rent and all of the other expenses.”

  He shrugged. “I needed some space. Gabi has practically moved in with Mason, and I felt more comfortable at your place.”

  My family slowly trickled out of the dining room so Kadyn and I could talk. I continued the conversation once everyone left the room. “I still want to repay you, Kadyn. That apartment was my responsibility. If you want to keep it, you can. I’ll pack my things when I come, so you can move the rest of your things in there.”

  Kadyn changed the topic. “You know your friends want to see you, Kri. They would be hurt if you avoided them.”

  I sighed. “They’re your friends, Kadyn; and I’ve hurt you. They won’t want anything to do with me.”

  Kadyn shook his head. “They’re our friends. They moved mountains to get you back, Kri; and they’ll still be there for you when you come back.”

  “But not you,” I whispered.

  Kadyn stood. “Can we finish this conversation outside?”

  I stood, but I kept my eyes cast down. “Of course. Do you want to say goodbye to everyone first?”

  Kadyn nodded. Then he disappeared into the living room.

  I walked out to the foyer and slipped my mom’s boots and coat on. Kadyn met me at the door. We trudged silently through the snow as we made our way to his rental car. Kadyn opened the door and pulled my purse out. “I thought you might need this… it has your ID, your wallet, and your cell phone.”

  I took the purse and set it on the back of my dad’s car, which was parked directly in front of Kadyn’s. Tears pooled in my eyes when I turned back around and saw Kadyn. He was leaning against the front fender of his car with his arms crossed. I wasn’t surprised he had assumed this posture. He had every right to be mad.

  I forced myself to look him in the eyes when I spoke. “Kadyn, I’m so sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I know it took a lot for you to come back here today, and I understand if you don’t want to see me again. I want to thank you for everything, Kadyn… for your kindness, your love, and for your determination to carve out some happiness in my life. Thank you for helping my family through this and for everything you did to find me.”

  Kadyn looked away as he kicked at the snow. “I can’t help but think how different things would be right now if I had found you in Paris a few months ago.”

  My eyes widened. “You were in Paris? When?”

  “In late August,” he replied. He continued kicking at the snow.

  I quickly did the math. “We were in Saint-Tropez. Someone tried to break into the house, and Michael didn’t think it was safe to stay there until they upgraded the security system.”

  Kadyn nodded. “We saw people working on the security system. We knew you had been there because a waiter from a nearby coffee shop recognized your picture. We waited and watched the house, but you never showed. We couldn’t figure out where he had taken you.”

  I sighed as I leaned against my dad’s car and stared at the snow. Was I already pregnant by the time Kadyn had arrived? “Who went?” I whispered.

  “Mason, Roger, and Cenia, but Dan and Phil put a lot of effort into finding you too. There are a lot of people who love you, Kri. You don’t have to look far to find one.”

  I looked at Kadyn and wondered if he could be counted among them. “I’m sorry,” I whispered miserably. “I am so sorry.” Slowly the tears began to fall.

  Kadyn’s voice broke when he spoke. “I’m sorry too, Kri… but too much has happened for us to go back to the way we were. I don’t know how to work through this… you falling in love with another man, willingly having sex with him, and becoming pregnant with his child. You chose to stay when you could have walked away. You were going to marry him, Kri… when you should have been marrying me.”

  I knew there was no way Kadyn would believe that I still loved him, not when everything he said was true. It took everything I had to remain standing in front of him, instead of collapsing in the snow. I hung my head and cried.

  Kadyn pushed off from the car and folded me in his arms. “I love you, Kri, but not enough for the both of us. I can’t be with you when you’re
in love with another man.” He kissed the top of my head before pulling away. He nudged my chin up with his finger, forcing me to look in his eyes before he spoke again. “I’ll be your friend, Kri. I’ll still be your friend, but that’s as far as I can go.”

  I nodded numbly. “Thank you, Kadyn. I know it’s more than I deserve.”

  Kadyn walked around the car and opened the door. “You deserve to be happy, Kri. Please be safe and call me when you get to DC.”

  I watched as he climbed into the car and drove away. I don’t know how long I stood in the driveway crying before I finally fell to my knees. I pressed my hands to my chest as I folded in on myself, desperate to ease the excruciating pain. I had never wanted to die more than I did in that moment.

  Chapter 27 – I follow rivers

  I don’t remember much about the two weeks that followed Kadyn’s departure, but I do recall Kimme, Dan, and Charlie traveling to Great Falls to see me. I ended up staying with my cousin for a month. My family didn’t want me spending Christmas alone. I wrapped presents and helped decorate the Christmas tree with a sad sense of detachment. When we went to church on Christmas Eve, I wasn’t even there. I was standing in the center of the Palais Garnier watching the wedding that should have been.

  I continued to struggle with sleep. Nothing good ever came of my dreams. The sleeping pills helped numb the pain, but they didn’t erase the memories that haunted me. I woke up crying every night. My arms felt empty, my chest felt hollow, and the rest of me fluctuated between numbness and pain. I would cry at the smallest of things or nothing at all.

  I finally saw a therapist that Lexie recommended, but talking didn’t help. She prescribed antidepressants, but I didn’t like the idea of being on drugs day and night, so I didn’t bother filling the prescription. Besides, there was a part of me that wanted to feel pain, although I couldn’t say why. Maybe because I thought I deserved it, or maybe because it was the only thing I could still feel.

  Lexie helped me carve out a plan, which began with the university where I had been accepted. They agreed to enroll me in their graduate program for the winter semester, which was scheduled to begin in January, but I had to make up the missed credits from the fall semester over the summer. I agreed to their conditions.

  I called Cenia to see if I could stay with her until I could find my own place. Cenia assured me I could stay with her for as long as I needed and offered to pick me up from the airport when I arrived. While it was difficult to say goodbye to my family, those departures paled so much in comparison to the ones involving Michael and Kadyn, that I hardly even noticed the pain.

  * * * * * *

  I was standing at the baggage carousel when Cenia tackled me with what was meant to be a hug. “I missed you, Kri! I’m so glad you’re back.”

  “I missed you too,” I choked through tears. I tightened my arms around her. “A lot.”

  Cenia swiped at her face. She narrowed her eyes at the wall of people standing between me and the baggage carousel. I could tell she was preparing to muscle her way in. “So, what does your luggage look like?”

  I peered around the shoulders in front of me. “I have two bags… black with some random brown pattern.”

  Cenia pushed through the crowd.

  “Hey, you cut your hair!” I exclaimed.

  She turned around and rolled her eyes at me. “Months ago!” She dove back into the crowd.

  I couldn’t help but smile. I had forgotten how much I loved her spunk.

  Cenia emerged from the crowd. She was rolling two bags that looked like mine. “Are these yours?” she inquired skeptically.

  I glanced at the ID tags I had attached at the airport in Great Falls. “Yes. These are mine.”

  Cenia raised an eyebrow. “Some random brown pattern? These are Louis Vuitton.” She pointed to the overlapping L’s and V’s.

  I gave her an apologetic look. “I didn’t know. I didn’t exactly pick them out. They were kind of forced on me.” They were the suitcases the maid had packed for me in Paris.

  Cenia began walking toward the door. “Well, any time you feel like forcing them on me, I’d be happy to take them off your hands.”

  “Hey, can I take one of those bags?” I asked, trying to catch up.

  “No. I got it. Marie’s out there driving circles around the airport. I didn’t want to mess with parking, and she insisted on seeing you when I told her you were flying in today.”

  I stopped dead in my tracks, causing yet another human traffic jam in the exit doors of the airport terminal. “Sorry,” I said to the haggard travelers. “Bad habit.”

  Cenia glanced over her shoulder to see what had become of me. She released the bags and took a step toward me when she saw the panic on my face. “Hey, it’s okay. I told her. She already knows.”

  “And she still wants to see me?” I asked incredulously.

  Cenia scowled at me. “Of course. Why wouldn’t she?” She grabbed the bags and continued walking.

  My mouth fell open, then snapped shut. I could have spouted off a long list of reasons, but I had a feeling Cenia would have dismissed each and every one.

  Marie pulled up in Cenia’s red Nissan Pathfinder. She threw her door open, jumped out, and threw her arms around me. “Kri! Thank God! I thought I’d never see you again.”

  I smiled through my tears. “Thanks, Marie. It feels good to be back.”

  Marie nudged me toward the front passenger seat before climbing in back. Cenia loaded my luggage into the back of the SUV and jumped into the driver’s seat. She grinned at me as she snapped her seatbelt into place and eased into airport traffic.

  Marie poked her head between the front seats. “Cenia told me you were accepted into the conflict resolution program at ICAR. Congratulations, Kri. I heard that place is hard to get into. Less than fifty students a year are accepted into that program, and a lot of them are from other countries.”

  “I didn’t realize it was that exclusive,” I confessed.

  “What kind of classes are you taking?” Marie asked curiously.

  I tried to recall what the registrar had told me. “Mediation, negotiation, a conflict resolution theories class, interpersonal conflict, and research methodologies.”

  Cenia’s eyes widened. “That sounds like a heavy load, Kri.”

  I shrugged. “I need to stay busy. The program is designed to accommodate people who work, so most of the classes are scheduled in the late afternoon and evening. I’ll be attending a training program through the Northern Virginia Mediation Service during the day so I can become a certified mediator. The certification program ends in late February, so I should be able to start working in March.”

  “How do you go from health policy to mediation?” Marie asked. She leaned forward and nabbed one of Cenia’s power bars from the center console.

  I thought about the question. “When I was an elder rights advocate in Montana, I spent a lot of time helping elderly people resolve their problems… housing, legal, healthcare, financial, you name it. When I worked on the Hill, the partisan bickering drove me nuts. I had to resolve each side’s differences and make sure their interests were met before I could get a bill passed. So mediation seems like a really good skill to have.”

  Cenia honked as a car suddenly swerved in front of us. “I thought you wanted to be an attorney.”

  “I was considering law school,” I confessed, “but the only types of issues you can resolve in the courtroom are legal ones. I think this conflict resolution program will offer a broader range of options.”

  “Do you want to be a mediator for the court system?” Marie asked as she crumpled up the wrapper from the power bar.

  I shook my head. “No. I’d rather focus on social conflict or maybe international conflict.”

  Cenia choked on her Cherry Coke. “Why don’t you just join the military, Kri?”

  I couldn’t help but laugh. “I don’t think I’m cut out for the military, Cenia. Besides, have you seen the uniforms they have t
o wear?”

  Cenia and Marie both glanced down at their Air Force uniforms and burst out laughing.

  I smiled. “See? Can you picture me… in that?”

  Both women shook their heads.

  I glanced out the window as Cenia pulled into her parking lot. Gabi was on the phone, pacing back and forth in the middle of the parking lot.

  Gabi walked up to me as soon as I opened the door. “Kri, I hope you don’t mind. Cenia told me she was picking you up this afternoon. I couldn’t wait to see you. I’m so happy you’re back!” She hugged me before glancing at her phone with a confused look on her face. “Oh, yes. I’m sorry. I’m still here. No, I want hot wings, not barbeque…. I don’t know… a couple hundred? How many do I need to feed fifty people?” Gabi walked away as she sorted through her food dilemma.

  “What’s that all about?” I questioned curiously. Gabi wasn’t really a wings kind of girl.

  “Mason’s pinning on Major. She’s planning his promotion party,” Cenia explained from the back of the SUV.

  Gabi joined us as we walked toward Cenia’s condo. She tucked her phone inside her purse and linked her arm in mine. “You’ll come to the party, won’t you, Kri? You can come to the pinning on ceremony at the Pentagon too.”

  I stopped walking. “Will Kadyn be there?”

  Cenia rolled her eyes as she unlocked her door. “Of course Kadyn will be there, and he’d be disappointed if you didn’t show.”

  Gabi nudged me toward the door. “Hey, Cenia, do you have the stuff to make margaritas?”

  It was Cenia’s turn to freeze. She narrowed her eyes at Gabi. “Have we even met, Gabi? Of course I have the stuff to make margaritas.”

  Gabi forced out a breath that was ten times bigger than she was. “Good… because I really need one. All of this party planning is wearing on me.” She sank into the couch. Cenia and Marie rolled my bags to the guest room.

  I glanced nervously at Gabi. “With everything Mason has done to help me, I’d really like to be there when he pins on Major. Are you sure he won’t mind?”