by Hazel Kelly
“I hope so.”
“Me too,” he said. “Me too.”
T H I R T Y S I X
- Sebastian -
When Lily opened the blinds, there was a streak of mascara smeared under her red-rimmed eyes. She looked down as soon as she saw me, perhaps sensing that I’d had it with being out of the loop.
Seriously, what the fuck? Were all women crazy? Was it me? Was I a crazy magnet?
I clenched my jaw, my eyes following her as she moved to let my family back in the room.
Even if she was crazy, that didn’t mean she was unlovable. It just made her flawed. Like Tiffany. And everyone else I’d ever met, for that matter.
Perhaps there was such a thing as normal, but I had more evidence to believe in Santa Claus at this point. Besides, deep down I knew I’d never trade knowing Lily for knowing normal. The mere suggestion sounded dull. Sounded like death.
Still, I was going to go crazy if I didn’t get some answers.
“We need to talk,” I said when she stepped in the doorway.
My mom and brother shoved the last of their trash in the closest garbage can and re-entered the room with big smiles on their faces, the kind of smiles only a greasy feast can provoke.
Lily nodded, and I reached for the top of her cheek, wiping the smear of makeup off with my thumb.
She lifted her hand and pressed it against mine, closing her eyes as she took a deep breath.
It felt wrong to comfort her when I was so angry, but as it happened, I felt my chest loosen and my face relax.
“Where do you want to go?” she asked after I dropped my hand.
“I don’t know. We’ll find somewhere.” I started down the nearest hall, keeping to the left so hurried nurses wouldn’t bump into me when they consulted their clipboards and dug for pens in the pockets of their scrubs.
“Here,” Lily said.
I stopped in my tracks and turned around.
“There’s no one in here.”
I followed her inside the small doctor’s office and closed the door, relieved to be away from the buzzing and beeping equipment outside. In fact, it was so suddenly silent I worried Lily might hear how hard my heart was pounding, might hear the pleading in my head. For the truth. For an explanation. For answers that wouldn’t lead to more questions.
“So?” she said, sitting in the chair beside the doctor’s desk, which was pushed in the corner and empty apart from a photo of a shiny black Lab with wise eyes.
I crossed my arms and leaned against the high bed, crinkling the paper lining that lay poised for a patient I hoped wasn’t about to arrive. “So.”
“I’m sorry I showed up here when I knew you didn’t want to see me,” she said, leaning back. “Javi didn’t make me feel like I had much choice.”
“You always have a choice,” I said. “That’s why I’m still so confused about what happened at the Fourth of July party.”
“Will you sit down?”
I rolled the doctor’s chair away from the desk and took a seat, keeping some distance between us.
She opened her mouth and closed it again.
“Look…” I lifted my eyes to hers. “I don’t know how you got yourself into a situation like that, but I’m not naïve, Lily. And it breaks my heart that you would—”
“I know,” she said. “But what could I do in that moment? Accept a bribe from you? That’s not how I want things to be between us. I hated the look on your face when you thought that might work.”
“I wasn’t trying to pay you for your company. I’m not one of those guys.”
“I know.”
“I was asking you to choose me, Lil. I was asking you to pick me instead of whatever you’re mixed up in.”
She stared down at her hands for a moment before looking back at me. “Is it too late?”
I sighed and leaned back.
She raised her eyebrows.
“I don’t know.”
“Because you think I’m damaged goods or because—?”
“Christ, Lily.” I shook my head. “I would never think that. Could never.”
“So…?”
“I just question your judgment.”
“You and me both.”
I rubbed the back of my neck.
“I’m out,” she said. “For what it’s worth, that was my last job.”
“Well, thank fuck for that.”
She flinched.
“But I still don’t get why you ever took your first. What the hell were you thinking?!”
She shrugged. “I was struggling to make ends meet,” she said, her voice softening as if she was remembering her mental state at the time. “I couldn’t afford my tuition, I was spending my student loans on rent, and I hated the place Paige was in. The food was bad, the nurses were negligent, and there was this strip of wallpaper in her room that was peeling away. And every time I went there all I could think about was how she was stuck in that room all the time and how the least she deserved was to be somewhere that wasn’t unraveling. ’Cause that would be new for her every day. She wouldn’t remember that it was there before, ya know? I worried she’d wake up and see it in the mornings and think her world was coming apart around her. It was unbearable.”
The urgent desperation in her voice was suffocating.
“Anyway, I was determined to get her out of there, so I dropped out of school to get a second job.”
I swallowed the knot in my throat.
“So I was working in a call center all night and a diner all day to save up the money to move her, not even worried about my needs or the fact that my kitchen faucet didn’t work so I was doing my dishes in the bathtub—”
I couldn’t look away from her even though I wanted to, even though I needed to over the shame I felt at thinking of her dealing with all that on her own.
“And then one day a girl came into the diner, and she looked rested and glamorous and none of her clothes were pilling…and she offered me a way out.”
T H I R T Y S E V E N
- Lily -
Sebastian wasn’t even breathing anymore.
On the plus side, he no longer looked like he wanted to pull his hair out…even though I got the distinct sense that the conversation was even more stressful for him than me, that it was aging him. Making him physically sick.
But when I realized he was waiting for me to continue, I did. “It started off innocent enough. In fact, in the beginning it was too easy. I’d accompany men—usually older men—to fancy parties. And as long as I looked the part and made the client look good, he’d give me more money at the end of the night than I’d make in two weeks at both my jobs.”
Sebastian’s jaw hardened.
“And on top of the big paychecks, they’d give big tips. Tips that would’ve made the front page if I were still a waitress.”
“But you weren’t,” he said. “And I assume you were expected to do a lot more than wait tables.”
I shrugged. “Sometimes it wasn’t that bad.”
“And other times?”
“Other times I did things I’m not proud of.”
He rested his elbows on his knees and hung his head.
“But I rationalized it by telling myself that I was getting far more than I had to give, that I was finally getting ahead.”
His brows came together and his mouth twitched.
“You have to understand I wasn’t giving myself to any of them.”
He lifted his face.
“I was giving them someone else, someone that wasn’t me.”
He swallowed hard.
“I never developed feelings for any of my clients, never told them a single truth about myself. Not even my favorite color.”
“Hugh knew your name.”
“That’s because I knew I could trust Hugh.”
“What?”
“He’s been my roommate’s client for years.”
“Your roommate who got you into this?”
I nodded.
; “Unbelievable.”
“What’s unbelievable is that it only took me a month to get Paige into a better facility,” I said, ignoring the shame that might’ve swallowed me up. “And after three months, I was back in school with the energy and the financial security to actually focus on trying to make something of myself.”
“It hurts me to think about you being with those other guys.”
I pressed my lips together.
“And the fact that they never really cared about you, the fact that you could make yourself do things like that when you didn’t care about them either—”
“I was desperate, Sebastian. I detached. I’m not proud of the fact that I took the easy way out—”
“There’s not a chance in hell that what you did was the easy way out.”
A lump hardened in my throat. “It means a lot to me that you understand that.”
He sat up and studied my face. “Would you do it again?”
“I wonder that myself,” I said, knowing it probably wasn’t what he wanted to hear. “But I see no benefit in forcing an answer. It’s done now. It’s over. I’m lucky that the worst I ever had to deal with was a few creeps, and I’m lucky that I know I won’t miss it. Especially now that I’ve been reminded how relationships are supposed to be, how sex is supposed to be.”
“What’s that? Consensual?”
“Among other even more wonderful things.”
He sighed.
I leaned against the desk beside me. “I know this is a lot to take.”
He scoffed.
“I am ready to be myself again, though. Or find myself again, I guess.” What’s left of me.
He ran a hand through his hair and dropped his head back for a moment.
I looked down at my tangled hands.
“Why didn’t you leave with me?”
I raised my face. “What?”
“At the party,” he said. “Why didn’t you leave with me?”
“Because I’m not for sale anymore. I took that job as a final favor to my roommate, and I swore that I would never take money for my company again. And whether you can understand it or not, letting you buy me is a line I can’t cross. Because you’re the reason I can’t be bought anymore.”
We sat quietly for some time, the heavy silence broken only by the occasional patter of smart shoes in the hall.
I wondered what he was thinking, assuming it wasn’t anything to do with the photograph he was staring at. Then again, maybe it would work in my favor if he found inspiration in that happy dog’s kind black face. After all, dogs were so much better than people. They were more forgiving, more loyal, better at living in the present.
“What did my dad whisper to you?” he asked suddenly.
“What?”
“Before you closed the blinds in my face.”
“Sebastian, I—”
“Don’t.”
“Don’t what?”
“Don’t say my name like that,” he said. “Every time you say my name like that, you follow it with an excuse for why you’re not going to be honest.”
I bit the inside of my cheek.
“Tell me the truth,” he said. “Because I’m really fucking trying here, and I still feel like I have no clue what’s going on in your head.”
I laughed.
“What’s so funny?”
“Nothing. Sorry.” I waved my hand in front of me to clear my nervous laughter from the air. “I don’t know what’s going on in my head either.”
“Maybe what you need is a second opinion,” he said. “Try me.”
I stared at him.
“What did he whisper to you?” he said, his dark eyes narrowing. “Before you closed the blinds.”
I found myself at a crossroads between finally unloading my secrets and clinging to my lies. Unfortunately, neither option guaranteed that Sebastian would stay in my life. I could lose him either way. And it wasn’t only that. I could lose my safety, everything I’d worked for, even my freedom if I made the wrong choice.
“Lily.”
“I’ll tell you what he whispered to me if you tell me what you whispered to Paige that day at the Lotus Center. Over checkers.”
He cocked his head.
“Deal or no deal.” I didn’t even know why that popped into my head. I think I was just trying to buy myself time to think.
“Fine,” he said too quickly. “Deal.”
I exhaled the breath I was holding.
“You first.”
I shook my head. “You go first. What did you say to her?”
He fixed his eyes on me. “I told her of course I was going to marry you. I told her I was madly in love with you, and that I’d buy her any dress she wanted for the wedding and that she could pick out the cake.”
T H I R T Y E I G H T
- Sebastian -
Her eyes filled with tears, and she covered her nose and mouth with one hand, her face twisting underneath.
“Your turn.”
“Did you mean that?” she asked, her glassy eyes searching mine. “When you said that to her?”
“I don’t say things I don’t mean.”
She pursed her lips.
“At the time, I meant it with everything.”
“At the time,” she repeated.
“Your turn.”
She took a deep breath.
What could possibly have her this anxious after what she’d just unloaded?
“Pillow of trust?”
I looked around. “There are no pillows in here.” I reached for the photo on the desk and angled it so it faced us both better. “Labrador of trust.”
Her eyes smiled. “Is that a thing?”
“Of course,” I said. “Besides, this is a doctor’s office. Confidentiality is built into the walls.”
“So whatever I say stays between us?”
“And my dad, apparently.”
“No,” she said. “Just us. And the Lab.”
“You’re really freaking me out now, Lil.”
“Sorry.”
“Just tell me what he said already.”
She glanced down at her lap and then up at me and then at the stupid dog picture and then back at me. “He said he never told anyone my secret. He said he would take it to his grave.”
My mind scrambled. “Wait—” I shook my head. “My dad knew you were an escort?”
The whites of her eyes grew. “No. God, no. I’d really like him to never know that. He would be so disappointed in me.”
“Then what the hell was he talking about? What does he know that—?”
“Please calm down.”
“I’m all out of calm, Lil.”
“Your dad knows why I left.”
I furrowed my brow. “What?”
“He was there the night my dad died.”
“I know. He ran over when he heard the shots while my Mom called for help.”
“No. I mean, he knows what happened.”
“You’re going to have to spell it out for me because I’m about to lose my shi—”
“I killed my dad, Sebastian. It was me. I fired those shots.”
My lungs collapsed until I felt heavy all over, and I waited for her to take it back, but she just sat there, stewing in the dark whispers she’d spilled between us. “You couldn’t have.”
She shrugged. “The fact that everyone believed that—the fact that your dad made them believe it—saved my life.”
I blinked at her.
“I’d be in jail if it weren’t for him,” she said. “And who knows where Paige would be.”
“That doesn’t make any sense. Why the hell would you do that?”
“Because I was tired of the abuse, Sebastian. Because I’d been tired of it for years.”
The abuse?!
“And when he started touching Paige in the ways he’d tired of touching me, I snapped.”
“When you say touching…?”
She cast her eyes down, and the truth hit me like a truck
. I lunged for the wastebasket beside the desk and retched into it, throwing up the contents of my stomach and not nearly enough of the black hatred stewing inside me. When there was nothing left, I set the lid back on and rinsed my mouth out in the sink in the corner, spitting until I couldn’t taste anything but water. Then I washed my hands, dried them with some paper towels, and sat back down across from her, exhausted.
Her pale face was resigned.
“I’m so sorry.” My head spun with the inadequacy of the words. “Not just about that,” I said, waving towards the corner. “But about—”
She nodded. “I know.”
I took a deep breath and glanced back at the garbage can.
“I didn’t mean to kill him,” she said, wringing her hands. “That was never my intention. I just wanted him to get away from her. But when I finally got him to leave her alone, he came after me, and I was afraid of what he might do if—” Her own gasp cut her off.
I clenched my fists.
“So I pulled the trigger. Because I was afraid. And in that moment, it didn’t occur to me that there might be anything scarier than what he would’ve done if I’d let him take the gun from me.”
My mouth turned to sandpaper, and I dug my nails into my palms.
“By the time your dad charged through the door, it was too late.”
“What did he do?”
“He asked me what happened, and I told him. And I told him why I did it. I don’t remember exactly what I said. All I remember is being surprised that he believed me, that he didn’t even raise his voice.” She wiped the wet streaks from her cheeks. “Then he told me to be brave, and he told me a new story about what happened.”
I raised my eyebrows.
“A story about the man he saw running from the house when he was on his way over, about the argument he heard happening between two men. He told me I’d stayed in my room because I heard the yelling, too, but I didn’t know what was said because both men were drunk.”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. My dad was the law. This could’ve destroyed his career, his reputation. The fact that he did this for her was too much for me to process.
“Then he made me repeat the new story back to him, and he made me promise I’d stick to it. Made me understand that my life depended on it.” Her eyes darted around like she was seeing the scene right in front of her. “And the whole time he was wiping down the gun. I can’t remember what he did with it.”