Tell Me Who I Am

by Julia Navarro

  From time to time a nurse would come into the room and look mistrustfully at Amelia, as if Pierre’s condition were somehow her fault.

  Later, Anushka came into the room with the doctor.

  “Amelia, dear, we have to go back to work. You’ll be able to see Pierre again this evening.”

  She kissed his lips and they were cold as the lips of a corpse.

  “Don’t worry, I will return,” she said, but he did not seem to hear her.

  They went out into the corridor and Anushka said that the doctor wanted to talk to them. They went to his office. He asked them to sit down and then looked mistrustfully at Amelia.

  “Comrade Garayoa, I am sorry to have to tell you that Comrade Comte is in a very bad way,” the doctor said.

  “That’s obvious,” Amelia said with a touch of irony.

  “He’s a strong man, but even so... He lost his testicles in the accident,” he said, looking at her directly, as if trying to make her feel ashamed.

  “Really? Well, as far as I know you can live without testicles.”

  “The blows he received... Well, you know a crane fell on him... He’s had irreversible injuries.”

  “I am aware of his state, Comrade Doctor.”

  “His brain’s been affected, his mental faculties... I don’t think he’ll ever be a normal person again. You have to be prepared for the worst, Comrade,” the doctor said.

  “The worst? There can be something worse than what he’s gone through?”

  “I assure you we’ve done everything we can,” the doctor insisted, “but you have to bear in mind that... well, he wasn’t looked after perfectly.”

  “I want to take him to Paris, to his parents,” Amelia said defiantly.

  “Impossible!” Anushka exclaimed.

  “Why? It doesn’t make sense for us to carry on here, not for either of us. Pierre needs expert care, he needs his family.”

  “We are his family, Amelia,” Anushka said.

  “His parents are in Paris, and that’s where Pierre will want to be, where he needs to be.”

  “I don’t know if it will be possible for him to be moved, given the state he’s in...” The doctor looked worriedly at Anushka.

  “I assure you that his condition will improve markedly as soon as we’re out of here,” Amelia replied, barely managing to control her anger.

  “I thought that perhaps that journalist, Albert James, could come to see him, and the poet, Jean Deuville,” Anushka said.

  “That’s very considerate of you. But I also ask you, Comrade Anna Nikolaevna Kornilova, to get hold of the necessary permissions for Pierre to be moved to Paris. I want to travel back with the intellectuals at the end of the conference, with Albert James and Jean Deuville.”

  Anushka gritted her teeth and her face hardened. She was annoyed by Amelia’s attitude, but she knew that now was not the moment to argue with her.

  For all that Amelia tried to stay by Pierre’s side, the doctor was inflexible. She could not come back until the following day because some tests needed to be done. She could come back early the next morning with Pierre’s friends.

  That night Amelia went to the farewell dinner that the Central Committee had organized for the participants in the congress.

  People were worried. On September 30 they had received confirmation of the agreement that France’s Édouard Daladier and Great Britain’s Neville Chamberlain had reached in Munich with Hitler and Mussolini. The two European powers had given way to Hitler’s determination to take control of the Czech Sudetenland.

  “It’s a disgrace!” Albert James said. “France and England will pay dearly for their mistake. They are letting Hitler do whatever he wants, which is like feeding a mad dog.”

  The Soviet hosts listened to their guests’ comments but prudently withheld their own opinions. They preferred to listen, to take the pulse of this group of people who represented European “intellectuality.”

  Amelia went up to the group with whom Albert James was sitting and took him aside.

  “What’s happening?” the journalist asked.

  “I want to thank you for all you’ve done for Pierre. I saw him today and thank God he’s alive, but he’s in a critical state.”

  “Where was he? What’s happened to him?”

  “You’ll see him tomorrow and... well, it’ll be hard for you to recognize him. They’ve tortured him, but they’ll say the same to you as they did to me, that he was in an accident and a crane fell on him.”

  She told him the story that the Soviets had invented to justify Pierre’s condition, and asked him to come with them tomorrow to see Pierre in the hospital, along with Jean Deuville.

  “Anushka and I will come to see you at eight on the dot. Now I want to ask you another favor.”

  “Right! What now?”

  “I want you to tell Anushka that Pierre needs to come back to Paris, and that you and Jean Deuville will help me to look after him on the journey. But you have to insist that we travel with you.”

  “They could say no.”

  “Yes, but if you insist... They’ve been obliged to make him appear, and the Soviet authorities don’t want any scandals connected with this congress, they want you to praise the system to the skies, which is why they invited you. It’s worked so far, you got them to make Pierre appear.”

  “It’s incredible that he’d been arrested for so long...”

  “It is a common practice to torture and kill in the name of the people. If someone is declared an enemy of the revolution, from that moment on he deserves anything that happens to him. People are scared, hungry, censored, children denounce their parents, uncles denounce their nephews, friends look at each other with distrust. Stalin has instituted a regime of terror, although it’s not his fault entirely, it was Lenin who planted the first seeds of barbarism.”

  “You’ve stopped being a committed Communist, then?”

  “I’ve lived here long enough to want to run away from this thing they call Communism. But what I think isn’t important, what we have to do now is save Pierre.”

  Jean Deuville could not contain an exclamation of horror when he went into Pierre’s room. Albert James was also upset, but, to Anushka’s relief, he said nothing. The doctor had explained the seriousness of Pierre’s state, insisting that it was a miracle that he was still alive after the accident with the crane.

  “Pierre, mon ami, what has happened to you?” Jean asked, making an effort to hold back tears.

  Pierre’s one eye was open but he seemed not to see them. Amelia thought that he was drowsier than the previous day, and she could see fear in his only healthy eye.

  “We’ll take him to Paris,” Albert James said. “He’ll come with us. The sooner he’s with his family, the sooner he’ll get better.”

  “I don’t think... Well, his mental state might be permanently affected. Look, he’s scarcely more than a vegetable,” the doctor said.

  “Even so, he’s coming with us,” Jean Deuville replied with determination. “His mother would never forgive me if we left him here.”

  “He will never get such good treatment as in a people’s hospital,” Anushka said.

  “I disagree, Comrade Anna Nikolaevna Kornilova, there’s nowhere in the world where he’ll be better than at home,” Jean said.

  “Pierre’s homeland is the Soviet Union, as it is the homeland of every worker. Also, you remember that the comrade has family here,” Anushka insisted.

  “Comrade Kornilova, as Pierre’s friends and as the representatives of his parents, we insist on taking him to Paris. We don’t understand why you are so keen to stop him from leaving... ,” Albert James said.

  “Comrade Comte is in no condition to travel,” the doctor said. “I don’t even dare to say if... well...”

  “He will survive the journey,” Jean Deuville insisted. “I know he will.”

  Albert James and Jean Deuville left Anushka and the doctor no choice, so the relevant forms were drawn up, but on the con
dition that if anything happened to Pierre it would be the responsibility of those accompanying him. Amelia had remained quiet the entire time, knowing that it was not for her to fight this battle.

  Amelia was happy as she packed. Anushka had announced that she was free to travel with Albert James and Jean Deuville and for them to take Pierre with them.

  Aunt Irina helped her to pack; she gave her advice about how to look after Pierre during the voyage.

  “My sister Olga will never forgive me for what they have done to her son,” she said. “I haven’t done what I should have for him...”

  “You and Uncle Georgi have both been very good to me and to Pierre, you have nothing to blame yourself for, it’s this damn system...”

  “I was never a revolutionary,” Aunt Irina said, “but Georgi was, and, well, I ended up thinking that he might be right, that the people would live better, that they would build a freer society, but there is now more fear than under the czar. Mikhail gets upset if you say so, but it’s the truth.”

  “Take care of yourself, Aunt Irina.”

  “Do you think my son would denounce me?”

  “I haven’t said that.”

  “No, but you think it, Amelia, I know you think it. No, he will never denounce us. I know that lots of children have denounced their parents, but my son will never denounce me. Mikhail has unshakeable faith in Communism, but he’s a good boy really. Don’t mistrust him.”

  Amelia didn’t want to argue with the woman. At the moment, the only thing that was important for her was to close her suitcase and go to the Hotel Metropol, where Albert James and Jean Deuville were waiting for her. Anushka had promised that a car would take them to the hospital, where they would pick up Pierre and go to the airport.

  Aunt Irina let fall a few tears at their parting.

  “Look after Pierre and give my letter to Olga.”

  “I will, and you should take care of yourself.”

  Jean Deuville was nervous, and Albert James did not seem in a very good mood.

  “If anyone had told me that I would go through all this I would have said that they were mad,” Deuville said.

  Anushka arrived at the appointed hour with a large cart so Pierre, as she said, would be more comfortable. She seemed uncomfortable and did not want to talk.

  When they got to the hospital, Anushka told them to wait while she went to get the head of the hospital to sign Pierre’s release papers.

  Amelia agreed to this without enthusiasm. She knew that bureaucracy could be an interminable process in the Soviet Union.

  Half an hour later Anushka appeared with Pierre’s doctor.

  “Come with me, please,” the doctor said. “Comrade Comte’s condition has worsened. He had a severe cardiac arrest this morning. We’re doing all we can to save his life, and it’s impossible for him to travel.”

  They followed him anxiously. Amelia felt her heart beating fit to burst, while Jean Deuville and Albert James looked at each other in surprise.

  The doctor opened the door to Pierre’s room, and they saw two nurses and two other doctors huddled around the bed.

  “I’m sorry, comrades, the patient suffered heart seizure,” one of the doctors said. “There was nothing we could do. He’s gone.”

  Amelia went up to the bed and pushed the doctors aside. Pierre’s face was drawn, as if his last moments had been terribly painful. She started to cry, at first silently, and then released an anguished howl. She held Pierre’s inert body. The body of an old man. The body of a torture victim.

  Albert James went to the bed and tried to get Amelia to let go of Pierre, but she did not want to do so, she wanted to feel this body pressed against her own and to murmur to it that she would never love anyone again the way she had loved Pierre.

  With Jean Deuville’s help, Albert James pulled Amelia to one side. The two men were moved by the scene.

  “I’m sorry,” the doctor said.

  “You’re sorry? I think you...”

  Albert James did not let Amelia carry on speaking. He knew what she was going to say because he suspected it himself: They had killed Pierre.

  “Please, Amelia! We have to leave. We can’t do anything for Pierre,” he said firmly.

  “I want them to perform an autopsy! I want to take his corpse to Paris, and for them to do the autopsy there so I can see what killed him,” Amelia shouted.

  “Amelia, you’re not well, maybe you should stay here to recover from losing Pierre,” Anushka said coldly.

  Her words sounded like a threat.

  “Put yourself in her place, you can see why she’s like this,” Albert James said in a neutral voice.

  “Come on, Amelia, there’s nothing we can do here,” Jean Deuville said as he put his arm around her shoulder.

  “Remember that he suffered a terrible accident,” the doctor said.

  “We’ll remember. The miracle is that he lived as long as he did,” Albert James said ironically.

  Amelia refused to say goodbye to Anushka, who promised Jean Deuville and Albert James that she would organize the funeral.

  “Don’t forget that Pierre did have family here,” Anushka insisted, “and he will be buried as he deserves.”

  Amelia wondered for a second if she should perhaps stay for the burial, but Albert James insisted that it was time for her to go.

  “Come with us, there’s no point in your staying here. He wouldn’t have wanted you to stay.”

  She refused to shake the hand of the doctor who had looked after Pierre. With Jean Deuville holding her she kept repeating the word “murderers” in Spanish, a language she thought none of them would understand.

  They left the hospital and went directly to the airport. It was October 2, 1938...

  Professor Kruvkoski fell silent and looked fixedly at Guillermo.

  “That is all I can tell you.”

  “I feel burnt out.”

  “I beg your pardon?”

  “I’m deeply affected. Stalin’s crimes make your hair stand on end. It must have been a terrible time.”

  “It was, the system worked via terror, which was how it spread all over the country. Yes, it was terrible, millions of innocent people were killed, were assassinated by Stalin.”

  “Tell me, how can you be so sure about what happened? I’m asking because it can’t be easy to know what went on in the Lubyanka.”

  “There are some archives and documents that have been opened to researchers.”

  “It’s unbelievable to think that you didn’t rebel against Stalin, and that there are still some people who miss him.”

  “Ask your parents why they didn’t rebel against Franco,” the professor said grumpily.

  Silence fell again between them. Then Professor Kruvkoski sighed and seemed to relax.

  “It’s difficult for you to understand what happened. As far as missing Stalin is concerned... Don’t be mistaken, the Russian people don’t want him back, but what they can’t stand is no longer being a superpower, no longer having the respect of other countries. The Soviet Union was a great power, feared by everyone, and this was a source of Russian pride. The fall of the Berlin Wall left us bewildered. We were poor, no longer a world power, everything was falling to pieces around our ears... The West thought that we were beaten and we Russians felt humiliated.”

  “But you must admit that democracy is better than dictatorship.”

  “Of course, young man, there’s no doubt about that, but we Russians are proud and won’t allow people to patronize us. The West has been mistaken about Russia.”

  “But you are part of Europe.”

  “That’s the mistake you all make. We’re a part of Europe but not entirely. Russia by itself is a continent, with its own peculiarities. That’s why you don’t understand how Putin can be so popular here; the answer is that he has given Russians back their pride. Anyway, I’m not going to give you a lesson in geopolitics or explain what Russians are like.”

  “Thank you for telling me about
my great-grandmother.”

  “She was a notable woman, very brave.”

  “Yes, I suppose she was.”

  I had no excuse to stay in Moscow, although I was sad not to be able to spend a few more days there. I would have loved to go to Saint Petersburg as well, but I was well aware that my financiers were now the Garayoas, so I didn’t feel happy abusing their trust. But I used the rest of the day to wander around Moscow. The next morning I had to go back to Spain early; I was keen to do so, because I wanted to know what my great-grandmother would have done when she got back to Paris. And I wondered whom Doña Laura would select now to guide my footsteps.

  ALBERT

  1

  The row between my mother and me was more violent than usual, and she didn’t soften when I told her that in the course of only two weeks I had been in Rome, Buenos Aires, and Moscow.

  “Stop with all these stories from the past and get to work!”

  “But I haven’t stopped working!”

  But for my mother any job that didn’t have fixed hours and a salary was not a job. Also, she tried to bully me into giving up my investigation into my great-grandmother.

  “Your Aunt Marta always goes over the top, and now she’s put you in a tricky situation and doesn’t want to know about it, which I suppose is for the best, but I don’t like it that you’re still burrowing around in this history.”

  She told me that it was my fault that she’d argued with her sister and that they hadn’t spoken to each other for a week. Then she got back onto her old bandwagon and told me that I should settle down and look for a real job.

  “Guillermo, dear, I don’t know why there are people who are worse than you all over the place, appearing on television. Look at Luis, who was at university with you, who was always a bit slow, and who now does the news on the radio, or Esther... she’s useless and now she’s a “star” on the television... and Roberto... well, he’s the stupidest of them all and they made him the director general.”