Remember to Forget, Revised and Expanded

by Ashley Royer

  She leans her head against the wall and turns her body so she’s facing me. “Why are you shaking? Levi, what— Wait, you’re having a panic attack, aren’t you?”

  I slowly nod.

  She speaks quietly, barely audible. “I’m really sorry. I honestly thought it was just a few people. Aiden said it was just some of his friends hanging out. He didn’t say it was this. If I had known, I wouldn’t have come either. It’s sorta overwhelming. I hate stuff like this.”

  Delilah seems like she’s being truthful, and I believe her for some reason. There’s just something about her words that makes me believe she’s not lying.

  “Do you need anything to stop it? Are you going to be all right?” she asks, concerned. “I can go get you some water or something.”

  I give her a thumbs up to indicate I’ll be all right.

  We sit in silence for a minute or two. The only sound is the muffled noise from outside the bathroom. I can still hear the music and people screaming. It makes my head pound just thinking about it.

  “Do you want to leave?” she asks, peering over at me.

  I look at her for the first time and see the sincerity in her eyes. It’s not pity like I thought it was earlier. It’s empathy.

  I nod slowly.

  She stands up and reaches down to lend me a hand. She smiles a little and nods slightly, as if she’s saying it’s okay.

  I hesitatingly accept it.

  “Just follow me. If you get nervous, let me know. I just need to find Aiden,” she tells me as we leave the bathroom. She’s still talking quietly, and I like it for some reason. It makes me feel like I can trust her, like she’ll keep this all a secret. She’s not treating me like a child or getting upset with me like everyone else. She’s just acting natural about it. “Are you okay now?”

  I nod.

  She weaves in and out of the crowd of people as we move through the house. I focus on Delilah, careful not to lose her. I try to ignore the many people surrounding me. I don’t need more anxiety.

  We make it to the kitchen and see Aiden standing with a group of people. He has his arm around the waist of a girl while they talk. Aiden laughs at something the girl says, and she moves slightly closer.

  He notices us and waves.

  “Well, hey guys!” he says excitedly. “How’s everything going? Having fun?”

  Delilah takes a deep breath. “Levi and I are leaving!” she shouts over the noise.

  “The party’s just starting though!” Aiden says, wiggling his eyebrows.

  Delilah rolls her eyes. “Do you want to stay? Or leave with us?” she asks him.

  He waves her off. “I’m staying!” He glances over to the girl beside him and smiles.

  “All right. Have fun,” she says, rolling her eyes but smiling.

  “Bye, guys! See you later,” Aiden says, before turning back to the girl, seeming to forget about everyone else instantly.

  I follow Delilah outside. Every few seconds, she makes sure I’m still behind her until we’ve made it to the car. She gets into the car and looks over at me confused when I don’t get in.

  I stand outside the car and light a cigarette.

  “You’re kidding, right? You are seriously not a smoker,” Delilah says after she rolls down the window.

  I shrug. I’m not really a smoker. I’m just so nervous right now, I need something to take my mind off the anxiety. It’s just a little stress reliever. It’s not like I’m addicted.

  “I shouldn’t be as surprised as I am,” she says, rolling her window back up.

  I’m relieved to be out of the party, and my anxiety has finally decreased. I can breathe normally again, and my body has stopped shaking. I can relax a little now.

  I get in the car once I’m done smoking, and Delilah starts the engine. I’m more relaxed getting into the car this time, mostly because I don’t want to go to sleep and have today be over with.

  “I was thinking we could go get something to eat, then go home. Is that okay?” Delilah asks as she drives. “Only if you want to, though. We don’t have to.”

  I think for a few seconds. I am hungry, but I don’t really want to go. I’m exhausted too. But Delilah helped me out. Though she’s still a girl who makes me uncomfortable.

  However, I’m quite hungry.

  I nod, and she smiles.

  “Okay, there’s a place around here that should be open,” she says. “I really am sorry about tonight.”

  I’m not quite sure why I agreed to go out. If she had asked a few minutes earlier, I would’ve said no. This is very unlike me.

  We drive for a few more minutes before she pulls into a small diner. A red neon sign reads “Breakfast 24/7.” I text my dad to let him know I’ll be home soon.

  Wait, since when do I care about curfew? Or my dad?

  We get out of the car and head into the diner.

  Delilah and I sit at a table, and the waitress hands us menus. I get pancakes, and Delilah gets waffles. We both get chocolate milk.

  We sit in silence the first few minutes. I feel like no one ever knows how to start a conversation with me, which is understandable. I’m me. Plus, it’s kind of hard to have a conversation with someone who doesn’t talk.

  Delilah finally starts to speak. “So, uh, what grade are you in?”

  I type something in my phone and press speak. “I dropped out.”

  She scrunches her eyebrows and stirs the straw in her milk. “Oh. I’m a junior.”

  “What’s a junior?”

  “Oh, right, Australia doesn’t call it that. Um, what you call Year 11, I think.”

  I nod. “I would’ve been in Year 11 this year.”

  “Oh. When did you drop out?”

  “This year. I was homeschooled for a little, but it came to the point where I wasn’t getting out of bed. And I assume you know why.”

  Her cheeks turn slightly red. “What?”

  “I saw you looking at my folder.”

  Her eyes widen, and she looks down. “I’m really sorry. I didn’t, I was just . . . I’m sorry.”

  “I shouldn’t even be acknowledging your existence for being so snoopy.”

  If I actually talked, she would be able to tell that I’m being sarcastic. I don’t really care that she read my folder. The only thing in there is the information sheet that has the diagnosis. My diagnosis is pretty self-explanatory anyway.

  “I was just curious. I’m sorry,” she says quietly.

  I start to type that I’m just kidding, but she speaks again.

  “It’s just that . . . Well, when patients like you come in, I like to know why they’re like that. My dad left when I was five years old, and he suffered from anger problems. No, that’s the wrong way to put it. He didn’t suffer, he was more, like, overtaken by it. It controlled what he could and couldn’t do. Some things would make him so upset, and he’d have random outbursts. And I just want to know why he left, if that makes sense. And sometimes I think if I knew how other people with similar issues thought and acted, it’
ll bring me closer to solving why he couldn’t live with us anymore. Sometimes I feel like I caused his anger, and he left because of me. I feel like I was maybe a burden or something . . . Like, what if he hated me? And that’s why he left . . . I don’t know, it’s stupid, I know. But . . .”

  “It’s not stupid.”

  She looks up from the table, where her gaze was frozen. “It’s not?”

  I shake my head no.

  “It makes perfect sense.”

  “I shouldn’t have even told you that. I’m sorry. You probably don’t even care.”

  “Please stop being sorry.”

  “Sorry—Oops.” She smiles a little and bites her bottom lip.

  The food comes out, and we eat in silence. I think about what she told me about her dad. It was something deep and personal. And I feel like she deserves to know a little bit about me. Maybe it will give her hope about her dad.

  Sometimes I forget that other people have problems too. I live in my own world and think that I’m the only one who suffers. Everyone has their own issues, no matter how big or small. We’re all people that live different lives with different troubles. It’s comforting to think that Delilah can share one of her problems with me, someone she barely knows. Maybe she only told me because I have no one to tell. Or maybe she’s slightly drunk too.

  Or maybe she just trusts me.

  I didn’t think anyone could ever trust me. I don’t even trust me.

  I put my fork down, and she looks up. I type quickly on my phone, and she appears confused.

  “I don’t know if this will help,” the robotic voice says, “but I’ve been like this for six months. My girlfriend died really unexpectedly. It messed me up. It turned my life upside down. I stopped doing everything. My whole life spiraled downward and just kept getting worse. And maybe your dad felt that way too, I don’t really know. There’s no way of knowing. It could’ve been anything, really. I just thought I should tell you that.”

  Delilah doesn’t say anything for a few seconds, and she just looks at me.

  “I’m sorry about your girlfriend,” she says quietly.

  “Please do not be sorry.”

  She rests her head on her hand. “You know, you’re turning out to be different than what I thought,” she whispers.

  “It’s that stupid new pill. Making me all sentimental.”

  But it’s not stupid. I kind of like the way it’s making me feel.

  I’m starting not to feel so numb anymore.

  I can actually feel a little again.

  Chapter Ten

  DELILAH

  I head to Aiden’s the next morning to see how he’s doing, even though he’s probably still asleep. I wonder how long he stayed at the party.

  I walk into his house and see Hunter watching television. He turns around and waves.

  “Hi, Delilah!” he says happily.

  “Hey! Is Aiden awake?” I ask him.

  He nods. “Yeah, but he’s still in bed. Mom said I’m not allowed to bother him.”

  I head down to Aiden’s room and find him lying on his bed, his face shoved into the pillow.

  “Aiden?” I whisper.

  He mumbles something and slowly rolls over. He squints at me and wiggles his fingers in an attempt to wave.

  “How long did you stay at the party?” I ask him

  “I dunno. A long time. My mom almost grounded me. I lied and said I was at your house, so if she asks, that’s where I was.”

  I roll my eyes and laugh.

  I tell him what happened with Levi, leaving out how he had a panic attack and what he told me about his girlfriend. Those are personal things that no one else should know. Even though Aiden is my best friend, it’s not right for me to tell him.

  “So he actually, like, was nice?” Aiden asks, sitting up a little.

  I nod, smiling. “Yeah, it was different from all the other times I’ve been around him.”

  Levi has definitely changed. I thought he would never want to be near me, let alone have breakfast at midnight with me. He told me a secret of his, even though it wasn’t the whole story. He opened up, which was surprising. Maybe he trusts me.

  “We should hang out with him sometime,” Aiden says. “Maybe he wants some cool friends like us.”

  A few days after, I decide to go to Levi’s. I haven’t seen him since the party. If he went to school, I would’ve run into him there. I wonder what he does all day.

  Aiden and I are going to see a movie tonight, so I thought I’d invite Levi. After what he told me about his girlfriend, I don’t want him to feel alone. Plus, Aiden thinks it’s a good idea for him to hang out with us. It might make him more comfortable here.

  Mr. Harrison is in the front yard when I get there, mowing the lawn. He waves when he sees me.

  “Hey, Delilah, what’s up?” he asks.

  “I came to see Levi. Is he inside?” I ask.

  He smiles. “Yeah, he’s in his room, the one at the end of the hall. You know, I’m glad you let him hang out with you guys the other night. He’s sort of, I don’t know, separated. It’s hard to get him to do things. I’m happy you and Aiden are here.”

  I smile and nod. “Yeah, it was nice hanging out with him.”

  I walk inside before he can question me about that night. I don’t want to be the one to tell him that his son had a panic attack all alone at a huge party. I wonder if Levi even told him about it.

  Probably not.

  I walk down the hall to Levi’s room and knock on the door. It opens after a few seconds, and he stares at me for a while before walking away from the door.

  “Hey,” I say quietly. I don’t really know what to do. I feel really awkward right now. Finally, I clear my throat and speak up. “So, uh, Aiden and I are going to the movies tonight, and we were wondering if you wanted to come.”

  He types something in his phone. “Why would I want to come?”

  I scrunch my eyebrows. “I don’t know. We thought maybe you’d want to. If you don’t like movies, we can do something else.”

  “No. Why would I want to hang out with you guys?”

  I’m taken aback by what he wrote. I didn’t expect this kind of response.

  “I thought you’d want to because . . . the other night . . .”

  “The other night meant nothing. I was drunk. Whatever I told you was false. I don’t care.”

  Why is Levi being like this? The other night he was so shy and kind. But now he’s being a cocky jerk. He seems like he’s constantly changing.

  I don’t think he was drunk at the party. I don’t even think he had anything. I rack my brain to try and remember if I saw him drinking. He never did, as far as I know.

  He’s lying to me.

  “Levi, you weren’t drunk,” I tell him, crossing my arms over my chest.

  “Yes, I was. You were barely even with me. I think I would know if I was drunk.”

  I roll my eyes. “Why are you being like this?”

  “What d
o you mean? This is me. You don’t even know me.”

  He stands up from his bed, towering over me. He looks down, his blue eyes piercing through me. I’m suddenly nervous again and at a loss for words for a few seconds.

  “I thought I could get to know you. I’m sorry for trying, okay, Levi? Sorry for trying to help you. If you want to be like this, be my guest. You can be a jerk for the rest of your life.”

  “Good. Because I don’t care what you do with your life, so you shouldn’t care about mine.”

  Each thing he says is like a knife being thrown at me. Maybe because he was so kind the other night, I thought he actually wanted to hang out with me.

  I guess I mean nothing to him.

  I look around his room and see a weekly pill container. I notice Sunday to Thursday have pills in them, even though it’s Friday.

  He hasn’t been taking his pills since the party, which was Saturday.

  “You stopped taking your meds,” I mumble without meaning to.

  His eyes dart over to the container. “No, I just refilled them.” He rubs his nose quickly and looks away from me.

  He’s lying again.

  I look at him, and he bites down on his lip.

  “Why?” I ask.

  “Why do you care? It’s none of your business.”

  “You’re right, it is none of my business. But you know what? This is your health on the line. You should care for yourself.”

  “Since when do you think you know everything about me?”

  Levi is just putting words in my mouth. He’s being so rude about everything. I was just trying to be friendly.

  “I never said I knew everything! I’m just trying to be here for you! Because that’s what I would want if I just moved to the total opposite side of the world!” I don’t want to yell, but I am. I can’t help it.