by Ashley Royer
We head to the living room to play, and Aiden sets it up. He hands me a controller and sits down on the couch beside me.
“Just warning you, I really am terrible,” he says as the game starts.
I didn’t think it was possible to be as bad as Aiden is. Half the time he runs in the wrong direction or doesn’t move at all. He keeps screaming too—it’s quite funny to watch.
“All this green is so frustrating!” he screams after a few minutes.
Playing FIFA makes me feel better. I feel a little closer to home while playing the game, because it’s so familiar to me. Aiden isn’t anything like Caleb, but that’s okay. He’s not a bad guy—he’s pretty nice. I’m just not sure if he’s being nice because he pities me or if that’s just how he is.
“No, I’m the better FIFA player!” Caleb says.
“No, I am, and you know it!” I say.
“I’ve won the past three games!”
“I was distracted,” I say, blushing.
“By what?”
“That girl,” I say, pointing out the window to a girl outside.
“Who? Delia?”
“That’s her name?” She had just moved here and sat across from me in English. She was so interesting, always writing in this blue notebook, though I don’t know what. She had these cool glasses and wore pretty dresses.
“You like her, don’t you?” Caleb asks, wiggling his eyebrows.
I feel my cheeks blush. “Psh, what? No! She’s just . . . different, that’s all.”
He rolls his eyes.
“Let’s get back to FIFA,” I say, turning the game back on.
“Levi, why aren’t you running anymore?” I hear Aiden say. He waves a hand in front of my face, and I push it away. “You always get distracted,” he says, laughing.
Distracted is a way to describe it, I guess. I see my player standing in the middle of the field, and Aiden has paused the game.
“Is everything okay?” he asks.
I nod quickly and wave my hand so he’ll start the game again. He shrugs, and we continue to play. About halfway through, the door opens, and I hear a familiar voice.
“Hey, Aiden! I found this really cool—What is he doing here?” Delilah is standing in front of us, crossing her arms over her chest. She looks confused when she notices me.
Aiden pauses the game again.
“Levi and I are playing FIFA! Wanna join?” he asks, patting the spot on the couch beside him.
“No, that’s okay. I’ll let you go back to your game. Sorry for interrupting.” She starts to head out, but I stand up and quickly type something.
“No, it’s okay. I’ll leave. Thanks for having me, Aiden.”
“No, Levi, it’s fine,” Delilah says.
“It’s okay.”
“Levi.”
“Delilah.”
Both of us are stubborn; I’ve quickly learned that about Delilah.
“You were here first. I don’t want to interrupt,” she says, opening the door.
“Why can’t we both stay?”
Wait, what. What did I just type? Clearly my fingers aren’t cooperating with my brain.
“Wait, what?” Delilah asks, saying exactly what I’m thinking.
I bite my bottom lip nervously and rock on my heels.
“Why would you want me to stay? You clearly hate me,” Delilah says.
I don’t type anything because I’m not sure what to say to that.
“Thought so. Bye, Levi. Bye, Aiden, I’ll call you later.” Delilah slams the door shut. She’s gone as quickly as she came.
I head back to Aiden, who was observing the whole thing.
“Well, that was awkward,” he says.
I nod and sit back down on the couch.
“You wanna keep playing?”
I shake my head no, and Aiden sits beside me.
“Don’t be upset because of her. Delilah is just really sensitive and takes everything personally. You may not hate her, but she feels that way. She’ll get over it, don’t worry. I thought you hated me, but hey, look at us now!”
I feel bad that I was so mean to Delilah, and Aiden too. I feel like everything is changing inside me since I’ve started taking the pills again. This is partially why I stopped taking them last week. I’m afraid of how they make me feel.
I’m afraid that I can actually feel again.
I’m afraid of being happy.
Chapter Thirteen
DELILAH
I’m woken up to a sudden jumping on my bed. I open my eyes slowly to see Aiden looking down at me, his face a few inches from mine.
“Aiden, what are you doing here? What time is it?” I mumble, turning my head.
“Levi is missing,” he says quietly.
He gets off of me and stares. I check the time, and it’s 10:52 in the morning.
“What do you mean, he’s missing?”
He shrugs. “Anthony called me a few minutes ago. He said Levi wasn’t in his room, and his window was open.”
I sit silently for a little. Aiden has been hanging out with Levi more since I saw them playing video games, so I guess they’re friends. I’m not sure because Aiden doesn’t really tell me about Levi, mostly because he thinks I don’t want to have anything to do with him.
“I’m worried, Del,” Aiden whispers.
“It’ll be okay. He couldn’t have gone too far.”
“You don’t know Levi. None of us do, really. He could be anywhere.”
I chew on the inside of my cheek and rest my head on my hand.
“I was with him last night. He seemed fine,” Aiden says.
“Isn’t that the second night in a row?” I wonder what Levi and Aiden do. Levi doesn’t seem to want to do much.
“Yeah. Anthony trusts me with Levi. What if I did something? Do you think I said something that upset him?”
“Aiden, I’m sure you didn’t do anything.”
He shrugs. “Will you help me look for him?”
I nod slowly. Levi may not be my friend, but Aiden is my best friend. I know he’d help me with anything.
I may also be worried for Levi too. Don’t tell Aiden.
I quickly get dressed, and we head out to look for Levi. We pack some waters, food, and flashlights. We could be looking for Levi all day.
Aiden and I decide to split up. Anthony and Aiden are driving through town, so I’ve decided to look through the neighborhood. Maybe he just left for a walk or something.
I highly doubt that, though.
After half an hour, no one has found Levi. I’ve asked neighbors, I’ve gone through yards, I’ve even checked sheds. He’s nowhere.
I try to think of all the places I’ve seen Levi. There are not many—the therapist’s, his house, Aiden’s house, and the park.
The park! I can’t believe I didn’t check there sooner. I run down to the park and search for Levi. I
t can’t be that hard to find a six-foot-tall boy dressed all in black.
He’s not in the obvious places, like the swings or the slide. I check the basketball field, but he’s not there either. I head toward the fenced-off area, and I see Levi hidden in a bunch of trees. He’s hugging his legs into his chest and is looking down. I crawl through the huge opening in the fence that’s been there forever. I quietly walk over, not wanting to scare him like last time. As I get closer, I can hear him crying.
“Levi?” I whisper.
He looks up at me through the trees, his eyes red and swollen. His cheeks are rosy and blotchy and tears stain his face. His shirt is all wrinkled and dirt covers his jeans.
When he sees me, he quickly gets up and starts to run. He runs fast, rapidly getting farther away from me and deeper into the trees.
I run after him, worried for his safety. He’s clearly upset about something, and he could decide to hurt himself.
The trees get more numerous as I run farther away from the fence. I’ve lost Levi; he could’ve gone anywhere. I look in every direction and finally see him lying on the ground. His pants are ripped, and there’s some blood on his leg. He must have fallen in the short time since I lost him.
“Levi!” I shout, running in his direction.
He tries to scoot away from me, and he’s crying even harder now. Something is seriously wrong.
I peer down at the small cut on his leg and look at his eyes, which are filled with tears.
“Just let me help, all right?” I say.
He slowly sits up and allows me to sit beside him. He doesn’t look at me—he stays turned away. I can still hear him crying.
I grab the water out of my bag and pour it over his cut. I gently wipe it with a tissue I found in my bag, and he winces.
“Sorry,” I mumble.
We sit in silence for a few minutes. I’m unsure of what to say or do. I’m not good at things like this, especially with Levi. He’s so different and hard to understand. I don’t know why he’s so upset right now. I decide to start with simple questions, the way I’ve seen therapists do.
“Why are you out here?” I ask quietly.
He stays turned away from me.
We sit silently some more. Questions aren’t going to work because I know he won’t answer, so I just start saying what’s on my mind.
“I know you don’t like me, and I haven’t always been so great to you. But you’re clearly hurting, and I don’t want to see you upset. It’s not good to keep it all inside, trust me. You don’t have to tell me everything, or anything if you don’t want to. I just . . . I think it’d help if you told someone. Maybe Aiden—you trust him, right? Just so you’re able to get it all out, you know?” I take a deep breath. “You probably don’t want me here, but I am, and I’m not leaving you here alone.”
He doesn’t respond for a few seconds. Then he slowly turns around and faces me. His eyes dart around, avoiding mine, and he nervously bites his bottom lip. At least he has stopped crying. He takes out a piece of paper from his pocket, along with a pen. He quickly writes something and passes it to me. I wonder why he’s carrying paper and a pen.
It’s been 210 days since she died. And it hurts. A lot. Days go by, and she’s not here. I hate being here without her. I hate everything. I just miss her so much. It’s so hard to get through every day.
I look up at Levi after I read it, and he finally looks me in the eyes. He suddenly bursts into tears, and starts to sob. I put my hand on his back to comfort him, and he flinches at first.
“It’s okay to be sad, Levi,” I whisper. “You don’t have to go through this alone.”
He takes in a quick breath and collapses onto me, his head resting on my shoulder. It takes me by surprise, and I slowly wrap my arms around him. He cries into my shoulder for a while, his tears soaking my shirt. I don’t say anything, I let him cry.
I didn’t expect this from Levi. He seemed unbreakable to me. But in reality, he’s hurting every single day. Today it was all too much for him, and he broke down. It seems that every time I’m with Levi, I see a different side of him. He’s a giant mystery waiting to be uncovered.
I wonder how long it’s been since he’s actually cried. I think he tries to hold it all in and not think about his sadness. He tries so hard to be strong and tough, but he’s just like everyone else. In fact, he feels emotions even more than others.
Suddenly, my phone rings. Levi picks his head up and wipes his eyes. I take my phone out of my pocket, and see it’s Aiden.
“Anything?” Aiden says the second I pick up.
I look over at Levi, who is sniffing. I reach for a tissue and hand it to him. “Yeah. I found him.”
Levi looks over at me. He looks so young and fragile, like he could crumble with the slightest touch.
“You did?!” Aiden asks. “Where is he?”
“He’s at the park. Just give him some space, okay? He’s all right. I’ll bring him home, and we’ll meet you guys there.”
“Okay. I’ve gotta let Anthony know! Bye, Delilah!”
Aiden hangs up, and I look over at Levi.
“That was Aiden. Do you want to head home now?”
Levi shakes his head. He’s looking at the cut on his leg, trying to wipe off the dirt.
“Does it hurt?” I ask him.
He shakes his head.
“Does anything hurt?” I’m not sure if he hurt himself anywhere else when he fell.
He nods and points to his chest.
“Your chest hurts?”
He shakes his head. He hesitatingly reaches for my hand and brings it up to his chest. I can feel his heart beating.
I realize what he’s telling me, and I nearly start crying too.
Levi’s heart hurts.
Chapter Fourteen
LEVI
Delilah and I walk back to my house in silence. I feel awkward after what happened in the park. She just saw me cry like a little baby, and the worst part is that I cried into her shoulder. Her shoulder. Guys aren’t supposed to be the one crying on the girl; it’s supposed to be the other way around. I’m such a loser.
When Delilah found me, I just wanted to be invisible. I wanted Delilah to turn around and leave, like maybe she didn’t see me. But of course she found me among the trees, sobbing.
Why did she have to be the one to see me cry?
I don’t know if I’m so emotional because of the pills, or because of what’s happening to me. I’ve been taking them every day, and I’ve just been feeling so much. It’s like everything inside me is changing. Or I’m just hormonal. I feel like if guys had periods, this is what it would feel like.
I take my pack of cigarettes out of my pocket and light one almost immediately. I bring it up to my lips and inhale slowly. Delilah glances over at me and sighs, looking disappointed but understanding at the same time. I toss the cigarette to the ground after awhile and squish it onto the pavement. Delilah looks down at it and continues walking.
I honestly thought Delilah would make things worse when she sat down beside me. I thought she was g
oing to yell at me or say something horrible, but she didn’t. She actually helped me. She comforted me a lot. It was nice to know that she was there for me. I still feel uncomfortable around her, just because she reminds me so much of Delia. She looks exactly like her, and I’m starting to see similarities in their personalities. It scares me.
“What are you thinking about?” Delilah whispers. She must’ve noticed my pace slowed down as we walked.
I nervously rub my nose and shrug.
“I won’t tell Aiden about what happened back there if you don’t want him to know.”
I nod my head. It’s good to know that she won’t share that with him. I don’t want everyone to treat me like a child.
I turn my phone on, and multiple texts and missed calls from my dad immediately pop up. I type something on my phone and press speak. “Can you tell me something funny?”
Delilah looks over at me. “What?”
“Tell me a funny story.” I want something to keep my mind from thinking about Delia and getting upset again. I think Delilah realizes that, so she starts to talk.
“Umm . . . Okay, I got one,” she says, a small smile growing on her face. “In second grade, we had a dinosaur play. And of course I had a solo. You’ll never guess what I was.”
I look over at her with raised eyebrows. She looks so cute.
She giggles a little and starts talking again. “I was the baby dinosaur. I had to come out of this giant paper egg—it was huge. I sang this song in a high-pitched voice, and then I was born. Like, I had to literally jump out of the egg. So I jumped up to be born, and as I sprang up, I stepped on my costume. Well, it ripped in half and fell down to my ankles! Thankfully, I had clothes on underneath. People teased me all the time about it. It was so embarrassing! I even had a huge binky around my neck and a giant bonnet.” Her cheeks are slightly red, and she covers her face with her hands. “It was horrible! I didn’t know what to do. I looked behind the curtains at my teacher, who told me to continue. I heard all the kids behind me gasp!” she says, her voice muffled.