Ignite

by Lewis, R. J.

  “You sound upset. Again. Fuck, I really need to go down there–”

  “No, I’m not upset by anything here,” I lied, but he didn’t need to know the truth to that one. “I have some really bad news. Like the kind of news you’re going to kill me over.”

  He was silent a long moment, and then asked, “What’s wrong, babe?”

  “Are you going to hate me?”

  “Jeez, you’re freaking me out. What’s happened?”

  Looking blankly ahead at the busy street, I sighed and whispered, “Your car’s been stolen.”

  “What? I didn’t hear you.”

  “Your car’s been–”

  “Speak up, Sara!”

  “Your car’s been stolen!” I shouted feeling my heart rate increase. “I don’t know what happened. I parked it fine, but okay, yeah, I’m sorta in a dodgy bit of town, so it’s my fault, I guess, but fuck, I didn’t think it would get stolen. I called the police, but they sounded so disinterested, demanding you call them to confirm you let me borrow the car and I’m freaking–”

  “Calm down,” he interrupted, sternly. I immediately shut my mouth tightly, and waited for him to curse me out for losing his BMW. “Fuck sake, I thought you were going to tell me something serious.” He actually sounded… relieved?

  “What?”

  “Thought you were going to say you weren’t coming back or something just as bad. Fuck, you scared me, booty call.”

  My lips curled up and my eyebrows bunched in confusion. A “what the fuck” expression formed as I tried to digest his answer. “You’re not… mad? Your SUV’s gone, Daniel. I have to inconvenience you now by making you contact your insurance company and the police–”

  “It’s just a car. Shit happens, Sara. Relax. Why the hell would I blame you for the theft of a car? Unless you hired a bunch of criminals to steal a car that I’ve lent for you to use to get around a town you have no desire to get around in, I can’t really see how this could be pinned on you. I’ve got other cars. My wallet’s thick, babe. The real problem is how are you going to get around now?”

  I shrugged (not that he could see it), not having thought of that due to being too busy freaking the hell out about his reaction to the news. “I’ll use the bus or something.”

  “Fuck that, no way. Aren’t there any car hires?”

  “I’m good with bus transportation–”

  “I’ll send you some money so you can rent a car, alright?”

  “I don’t want your money, Daniel. Don’t you dare! Look, I’ll let you know if I need any help with anything. I have the skip hired out for tomorrow. I’ve got a guy coming around Friday afternoon to pick up the furniture. All I need to do is to sort through what needs to be thrown away and the clothes that need to be donated. It’s really not that much. I won’t need to drive around, you know? I’ll use the bus. It’s literally a stone’s throw away.”

  “Yeah, fine.” Ugh. He was pretending to agree. I knew him too well. “Be careful. You’re in a dodgy part of town, I’d like for you to check into a not so dodgy part of town. Don’t want any bikers on your back. Can you do that at least? Get a damn good hotel room. Promise me.”

  “Okay, I promise.”

  “Alright. Look, I gotta go. I’ve got a meeting in five minutes. Send me the police number to my phone and I’ll get onto that and sort through the other shit.”

  “Okay.”

  He exhaled sharply. “I really miss you, Sara.”

  I smiled. “I miss you too.”

  “Keep in touch today.”

  “I will.”

  “Bye, babe.”

  “Bye.” I hung up and sighed in relief. That guy was too good to me. That realization sent a shard of glass through my chest. I wouldn’t fuck that up again.

  As I looked up the bus routes on my phone, I suddenly wondered how Daniel knew I was in a dodgy part of town. Logic told me it was because his car was stolen, so it must have been pretty dodgy. But then he mentioned bikers, and he’d never been to Gosnells before. I never recalled telling him about the bikies here. Hmm, I’ll have to ask him about that.

  I headed to the nearest stop. There was an extra bite in the chilly air that had me zipping up my black long coat. The sun was hidden behind large, dark clouds, and the wind had picked up, whipping through my hair and tangling it into a million little knots and reminding me why I hated November.

  I checked my bank account balance as I waited for the bus and groaned in irritation at the extra six hundred dollars Daniel must have immediately placed right after the call. He’d done this. Often. When he thought I was going without, or if a bill was unpaid and the third warning had come into the mail, he had the tendency to drop a few hundred into my account. Of course I didn’t accept his money, and it became a game of ping pong. I’d return the money, and he’d resend it. The bank was so used to his money dropping, the transactions had become instant.

  On the bus on route to my old neighbourhood, Lucinda texted: I have two hair appointments to get around to, but I should be home by 5. Chinese for dinner?

  I texted back. I’ll be there around 5:30. Chinese sounds great. I’ll buy it.

  *****

  My mother didn’t have a big wardrobe, but what was in her closet was very nice and chic – definitely a far cry from the ratty, baggy shirts she used to wear. I couldn’t help but breathe in every top of hers, taking in the familiar scent that I’d known so well to be hers. Despite her alcoholism, the scent had always lingered on her skin, around her collarbone and neck, and the few times she’d cradled me into her arms as a child, I’d taken comfort in that smell.

  I packed all the clothes into bags and set them on the floor of the living room beside the front door. Then I emptied the cupboards in the kitchen and packed them into boxes, setting them beside the clothes. My mom wasn’t big on clutter, I quickly realized. There wasn’t much around that was garbage worthy. She had only kept what she needed and used. I was seeing so much of this new her as I packed away her things. She loved scented candles and anything strong on aromas. The bathroom cupboards were overflowing with shower gels, shampoos, facial masks and creams. She’d really worked hard on her appearance, but I hadn’t crossed any photos of her to know if her appearance had changed. I imagined it did, though.

  Why hadn’t she reached out to me when she had evidently gotten better and back on track with life? Did she really hate me so much, like him? What had I done to have grown up around that kind of loathing? I figured I didn’t need any more emotional problems in my life. I had enough with Jaxon and all. God, that guy only got sexier as he aged. Unlike me. “Some people hit their peak young, I guess.” I violently threw another bag in the pile by the door when I thought about that cruel line he’d used, in that cruel tone of his. Asshole.

  Lexi rang me then. Bad timing. I was still fuming. “Hello,” I picked up, panting from the back and forth activity of packing.

  “Hey, hot stuff, how are you going today?”

  “Yeah, packing away her shit as we speak.”

  “How are you feeling?”

  “For fuck’s sake, does everyone have to ask me that question every bloody time they talk to me?” I vented out, collapsing onto the couch. I instantly regretted the words. “Shit, sorry. I’m not doing so great, if we’re going to be honest.”

  “Your mom’s dead, and you bumped into your ex-boyfriend that you walked out on all those years ago. I don’t blame you for being upset.”

  “Do you have to be so blunt about everything?”

  “Yep.”

  “Okay, since you’re Miss Blunt, can I ask you something?”

  “Sure.”

  “Am I fat?”

  “What?” she laughed.

  “You heard me. Am I fatter than when you first met me?”

  “Did someone call you fat?”

  “Just answer the question, and I want your brutal honesty.”

  “You’re not fat. Your boobs have gotten bigger, and your hips are a bit wider,
but you’re nowhere near fat. You’re healthy and curvy.”

  I groaned in disgust. “Fuck, I’m fat, then.”

  “You make me sick. Say that around a real fat person, and I bet they’ll clobber your ass to the ground. You’re gorgeous. Now who the fuck said you were fat?”

  “Jaxon said I got bigger, and that I hit my peak young.”

  “He was obviously trying to hurt your feelings.”

  “Well, mission accomplished.”

  “Sara, you left him in the worst way possible, and suddenly you’re back in his life and you’re doing well. He’ll say what he can to hurt your progress. Why? Because he’s pissed off at you.”

  “He hates me.”

  “Yeah, well, he’s entitled to hate you, but he isn’t entitled to make you feel like shit. Do yourself a favour and steer clear from him. I don’t want you getting any more hurt by him.”

  Yeah, it was a given that I would steer clear from him, but I knew I was suppressing the side of me that would do anything to see him. Why would I want to torment myself? Maybe I wanted more of his cruelty, you know, as a way to hammer that last nail in the coffin, or some bullshit excuse like that.

  By 4:30 in the afternoon, I’d put a huge dent in my progress. I had intentionally left my former bedroom for last. Something about those boxes had me shrinking away in quiet distaste. There were probably some personal things in them that I wasn’t entirely sure I was prepared to face. I decided to leave it for tomorrow.

  On the three bus changes to Lucinda’s house, I’d picked up Chinese food near a stop. They were packed tightly in their containers so they’d still be hot and ready when I got there. It was funny even after all these years I remembered what she liked to eat.

  Then I walked the three blocks to her gargantuan house, raking my fingers through my frizzy hair before I knocked on the door. It’d started spitting out, and I didn’t want to be caught in the rain on my way back to the motel. I’d have to ask Lucinda to drop me off, which I’m sure she’d be more than willing to do.

  My happy smile immediately vanished when Jaxon opened the door.

  Fifteen

  No words escaped my mouth. I sort of just awkwardly stood there as he looked me up and down, water dripping from his head. Face red and skin moist, he must have just come out of the shower. He was wearing a white long sleeved slim fit top that hugged every muscle on his upper body. As I gawked at him, I noticed the top button of his jeans was undone, flashing a little bit of his black briefs beneath. I flushed and turned away, hoping that the chill in the air had made my cheeks already red so he wouldn’t notice.

  “Yeah?” he finally sounded out, impatiently.

  “Your mom–”

  “She’s not here.”

  I looked down at the time on my phone. “She said she would be here. We arranged dinner for 5:30.”

  “Well, she’s not here.” The edginess in his tone freaked the hell out of me. So did his eyes: grim and cold as he regarded me with that same loathing as last night.

  “Jaxon,” Christy sounded from behind him. There was a warning in her tone. He turned around to look at her. When she raised her brows, he exhaled in irritation and walked away from the door, leaving it open.

  When he was well out of view, Christy walked over to me with a smile on her face. “Hey, Sara, come in.”

  I hesitantly stood for a few seconds, debating whether to just turn around and go back to the motel instead.

  “Come on,” she gestured me inside with her head.

  I noticed, with great relief as I stepped inside, that her hair was not wet. So she must not have showered with him. Because showering with him would have required her to get naked with him, and that thought made my stomach queasy and my inner bitch jealous.

  “You’re really wet,” she said.

  Well, duly noted, Christy.“Yeah, I had to take the bus.”

  “How come?”

  “Car was stolen.”

  Her mouth dropped. “That’s awful. Called the police?”

  “Yeah, I did all that.”

  “I hope they find it.” She shut the door and began walking through the foyer. When she noticed I wasn’t following, she stopped and looked over at me, green eyes twinkling under the foyer light. “You coming?”

  “I’ll just give Lucinda a call.” Good excuse.

  “Okay, well, we’ll be in the living room.”

  I nodded despite thinking, as if I would join you two. I walked over to the spiral staircase and took a seat on the bottom step. I closed my eyes for a minute. I was angry. Lucinda had said it would just be the two of us. Why was he here? And why the hell didn’t she tell me she wasn’t home yet? I had my little mini-meditation, and then I rang Lucinda.

  “Oh, shit!” she cursed as she picked up. “Shit, I totally lost track of time. Where are you? Shit. You’re not standing out front of the house, are you?”

  “No, Jaxon let me in.”

  “Oh, double shit. I don’t know what he’s doing there.”

  “Where are you?”

  “I’m doing Loraine Chidley’s hair. Remember her?” No. “I put the colour in and everything, but her damn hair didn’t take to it. So I’ve had to re-do it. I didn’t think it was past five in the afternoon already. God damn it.”

  See, Sara, she didn’t mean any of it! “That’s alright. I’ve had a pretty long day. I wouldn’t have been good company, anyway.”

  “But I really wanted to see you. How about you stay the night? That way you’ll be there when I get home in the next hour or so.”

  “I can’t. I’ve got to get back to my room.” And I desperately wanted to be away from her son.

  She sighed, clearly disappointed. “Alright, then. Well, look, I’ll make it up to you, okay?”

  “Okay. I gotta get going.”

  “Alright, hon.”

  After our goodbyes, I put the phone in my purse and stood up. I looked at the front door and then at the hallway leading to the living room. Would it be rude if I just walked out without letting them know? Yes, it would be. Fuck.

  I grabbed the bag of tightly packed Chinese food and inched my way there. I heard the television blaring in the background and other voices when I neared. It sounded like the brothers I’d met last night, and they were all having a hushed conversation of some kind. Eavesdropping couldn’t be helped, especially now that I was hovering just out of view in front of the living room entrance.

  “Weren’t you with her all those years ago?” Josh asked curiously.

  “I don’t remember,” Jaxon mumbled.

  “Fucking liar.”

  “What happened?” Christy hesitantly asked.

  “I don’t remember,” Jaxon repeated. “She was that fucking forgettable.”

  “She’s hot,” remarked Kurt. “If she was that forgettable, you won’t mind me nearing that, hey?”

  “She’s taken, you fucking idiot. God help the guy she’s with, too. She’s a psychotic bitch, and I’d have nothing to do with her if it weren’t for my mom.”

  Wow. I didn’t know what to say, but my body heaved forward, as if registering with that old flame of anger I’d extinguished all those years ago through therapy. I was mentally aware of my actions, and I wasn’t going to say anything out of that anger from catching someone say those things about me. Over time I had done remarkably well building restraint.

  They were seated on the couch. One couch was facing my way, and the other the opposite way, with its back to me. The first one to see me was Kurt. His face fell and his eyes popped out of his thin head. Josh followed, and then Christy. They all looked suddenly pale, like they’d just been caught with their hands in the cookie jar. Jaxon was the last to look my way, and his body stiffened slightly at my appearance, but out of disgust or surprise, I didn’t know.

  “I’m heading off,” I said, putting on a fake smile. “Was just wondering where the bathroom was.”

  “Beside the stairs,” Christy squeaked.

  “I’ve also got
this Chinese food here that I won’t be having. It’s still fresh and hot, if anyone’s hungry.”

  Josh jumped off the couch and walked over to me. He couldn’t look me in the eye, but he attempted a smile and said, “Awesome. Thanks, Sara. I’m starving.”

  I handed him the bag. “See you, guys.” I left before anyone had a chance to respond.

  I didn’t bother going to the bathroom. I didn’t need to, and I only said it so they didn’t think I was snooping on them. I stepped out of the house and stood there for a long moment, hating life all the more because the rain had started picking up.

  “You serious?” I called out to the sky above. “You barely rain all fucking day, and now it’s got to start?”

  My jacket didn’t even have a damn hood. Damn this shit and my stupid shallowness in buying designer jackets that did me no favours in crappy weather. I made sure my purse was zipped tight; the last thing I needed was my phone to get wet and ruined. At this rate, I wouldn’t be surprised stepping into an invisible sinkhole and dying a horrible death at the bottom.

  Would anyone miss me? I mused to myself as I walked down the rainy sidewalk. If I died, I think I’d have three people show at my funeral: Lexi, Daniel, and Lucinda. Jaxon might actually stop by and piss on my grave just to prove all the more that he hated my guts even when they were rotting six feet beneath him. I abruptly stopped imagining that, quite disturbed by my train of thought. I just wanted to get into the shelter of a bus, even though I was probably going to have to wait a while at the stop; the stop that was brand new and had no overhead cover, I recalled. Fuck my life.

  Forgettable. Psychotic bitch. I gritted my teeth. Sure, I expected for him to think badly of me, but what about all those memories of us together, of how happy we used to be? Forgettable apparently. I wished they were to me, too. It’d spare me the pain. I’d spent God knows how many nights in bed pining for the good times because they were solidified in my memory.

  I choked out a sob and shook my head roughly. No, stop being a cry baby. Toughen up.

  The chill in the air had me wrapping my arms tightly across my chest and sinking half my face in the collar of my jacket. The rain was pouring down now, and the tranquil suburban streets were deserted. The sky began to darken, so I picked up my pace. Two more long ass blocks to go...