CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
MICHAEL
I’ve never been good at waiting. My tolerance for waiting around, well, I don’t have any. I always have and always will live at my own pace and will wait for nothing. Waiting hurts for something you want and that has never been truer than right now. Waiting on news for Rayna hurts beyond reason. It’s agonizing.
She’s been gone for three hours and no one has been back through the double doors to let me know how she is.
Finally, after another hour has passed the nurse that stopped me from following earlier comes out and pulls down her mask.
“I have some good news,” she smiles, “The baby is fine. We had to help clear her airways, but she is doing well now and is in neonatal intensive care. Are you the father?”
I shake my head, “No, I’m the uncle. My brother, her dad, should be here soon.”
“Okay, good.”
“How’s Rayna?” I ask, wanting to know more than anything.
Her smile disappears and my heart plummets to the floor.
“She’s still in surgery. Mrs Blake suffered from a ruptured uterus, the bleeding led to haemorrhage. If you would have only got here sooner, we could’ve been there to stop the bleeding…”
I tune out to what else she is saying.
This could’ve been avoided. All that messing around could have been avoided. If anything happens to her many people are going to die. This is Chase’s fault.
Another hour passes and she is still not out of surgery. The longer I don’t hear anything the worse I think she is.
Echoes bouncing of the white, sterile walls begin to hum with loud, urgent, demanding voices and by the time I drag myself to my feet. Mark and the others are rounding the corner and rushing towards me.
“Where is she? Micky said to get here as soon as I could,” Mark demands.
I swear to God I’m going to punch that motherfucker so hard when I see him. I told him not to let him worry. He can never do anything he is told to do.
Mark looks me over and finally sees the blood on my bare chest.
“And where’s your shirt?”
From the corner of my eye I see Pope taking his hoodie off and pass it along to me. Throwing it over my head, I brace myself to say out loud what’s going on.
“She had the baby on the side of the road and was bleeding out quite bad. By the time I got her here the baby wasn’t breathing and I had to wrap her in my shirt to keep her warm.”
He stops me there and steps closer.
“She? I have a daughter?”
“Yeah, man,” I smile.
His happiness is short lived.
“What about Ray? Where is she?”
Before I can answer him, the double doors swing open and the doctors I saw take Rayna in come back out and while they begin to walk in the other direction, one holds back and walks towards us.
“Mr Blake?” he asks, looking around our group.
Mark shifts beside me and moves closer to the doc.
“That’s me. How’s my wife?” he asks.
The doctor, meant to be trained to deliver news in an apathetic manner pales in front of us and takes us all in before speaking.
“I’m afraid your wife passed away, she…”
My legs go numb, before I fall I slump onto the plastic, cold chair and bang my head back on the wall.
Dead.
Rayna is dead.
My vision blurs and my hearing muffles.
Nothing exists around me.
She doesn’t exist anymore.
MARK
“Mr Blake.”
The doctor is talking but I can’t hear a word he is saying. All I heard was Rayna is dead, too much blood, haemorrhage, they couldn’t stop the bleeding.
I can’t speak.
I can’t move.
I can’t fucking breathe.
It’s like I’ve been submerged slowly into water and then it started to freeze around me. Everything has stopped on the outside, but on the inside, thoughts are rushing around at an impossible speed and I can’t slow them down enough to comprehend them. I don’t want to because this can’t be happening. When I left she was alive, breathing, carrying our child and smiling at me.
Now I’m being told I’m never going to see that smile again.
My brothers are silent behind me, listening to the words I can’t let in. They close around me and I feel their support.
The only thing I hear is that I can see Rayna if I would wish too.
Numbly, I follow the doctor through a door and down a corridor that’s lit too brightly. He stops briefly before opening the door we stopped outside of.
A heavy hand lands on my shoulder and I don’t have to look to see it is Michael. In fact, Oak, Pope and Micky have followed too.
The door opens and in the middle of the room lays one bed. There she is. A blue blanket covers her up to her neck and her blonde hair I love so much is sprayed around her head.
One step.
Two steps.
Three than four.
One more step and I’ll be beside her yet I can’t bring myself to move.
“It’s okay, brother.”
I don’t know who says it, but they’re wrong. It’s not okay, nothing is going to be okay again.
I’ve watched her sleep over a thousand times, her peaceful slumber becoming my peace. I would watch her sleep after a long day, sometimes violent and waves of harmony would transfer to me. She was my saviour without ever knowing it. Now she looks like she’s sleeping but she’s never going to wake up. I squeeze my eyes shut and take the last step beside my wife.
Her skin is still warm, still soft.
“Tell me again what happened,” I ask the doc.
“When she was brought in, she was bleeding excessively. Your brother informed us that she had been bleeding for some time before she arrived and when we took her into surgery, the surgeon discovered her Uterus had ruptured. It’s rare but it does happen.”
I bend over the bed and lay my last kiss on Ray’s lips. She must have been in terrible pain and I wasn’t there to help her through it.
Sleep tight my Rayna.
I inhale deeply and stand straight.
“Take me to my daughter.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
MICHAEL
Word has got around the clubhouse about Rayna. The mood is low and buzzing with grief. All I get are questions from everyone asking after Mark and the baby. For every single question asked I want to deal out ten punches in return.
Mark hasn’t said a word for two days. All he does is sit by the baby’s cot and watches her. He doesn’t move and he doesn’t say a word. Not to anyone.
I left Oak and Big Ron at the hospital, Mark doesn’t want anyone around him but I wasn’t going to leave him alone.
The clubhouse is busy when I return but no one makes a move to approach me. I walk around the bar and push the prospect out of my way. I pick the largest bottle of whiskey and a glass and make my way to a free table.
I don’t waste time in pouring shots. I fill the glass to the top and drink till the entire contents are gone. My throat burns and I relish in it. After four large glasses, the bottle is nearly empty. A full bottle appears on the table and the empty one disappears.
Kitty’s perfume hits me before I see her and don’t look up when she sits next to me. She moves her chair closer to mine and cuddles into me. Sliding my arm around her, she sits in silence with me. It’s as much as I can deal with right now.
I drop the glass in favour of swigging from the bottle. I don’t see the point in wasting time.
“Michael, you should stop drinking,” Kitty purrs, lifting her head off my shoulder.
It’s not what I wanted to hear.
I swig again and say, “Don’t start with me babe, I’m going to drink as much as I want and I don’t want to hear another fuckin’ word about it,” I warn her, being the most serious I have ever been.
“Michael…”
> “I said, don’t start. Just leave me alone, please Kit,” I’m almost pleading and she must hear the break in my voice towards the end because she stands and leaves me be.
My eyes follow her out and as she is walking out of the door. Micky passes her by and walks in. He spots me sitting on my own and takes a beer off of the prospect and heads my way.
“I can’t believe it, brother,” he sighs, taking a seat at my table.
Something in me snaps. Is he really going to go there with me?
I lean in closer to Micky.
“You should believe it, it’s your fault she’s dead.”
“What?” he asks, taken back by my statement.
“You should never have stopped, it was plain as fuckin’ day she needed the hospital and you stopped. They said if she got there sooner, they could’ve helped her.”
It’s all so clear now.
“Brother…”
“Don’t brother me, if she had had a doctor, they would’ve saved her. You made that impossible.”
I can’t deal with him now. I push back my chair loudly and stumble to my room. I need to be alone and not wrapped around people I can’t stand to look at.
The door has scarcely closed behind me before I drop to my knees and let the first tears I have cried in years fall free. I cry so hard I choke.
Why her?
Why take her?
She wasn’t mine, but at least she was in my life.
That’s all I had of her and I would happily trade everything I have to have that back.
I don’t care if my cries can be heard, I can’t control them anyway.
Small arms wrap themselves around me and pulls my head into their chest. It’s Kitty, I’d know her smell anywhere.
I hardly hear her soothing’s over my grief, until she murmurs, “It couldn’t be helped…”
I push her away and see that she has been crying.
“Why are you crying? You couldn’t care a shit about her.”
“I’m crying for you, do you think I like seeing you hurting?”
Selfish bitch. I don’t want her upset for me.
“It could’ve been helped, you know nothing.”
She backs away from me and looks confused.
“What are you going on about?”
“I’m talking about, the reason why she died.”
“She died giving birth, right?”
“Chase Carson shot at us, I had to lose them before I could get her to the hospital.”
“What? Mark never said anything,” she shrieks.
I snort, “Mark doesn’t know. I haven’t told him and I’m not going to. I want to kill them both myself.”
And I will.
“They’re both going to die, they both killed her.”
She stands up and comes closer to me.
“Both? Michael, you’re not making sense. Who else are you talking about?”
“Micky.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
MARK
The sound of the engine and the baby’s odd whimper are the only noises in the car on the way back to the clubhouse.
The last four days have been the longest in my life. Never once I have left my baby girl’s side and as soon as they said I could take her home I signed the discharge papers and got out of there.
Michael and Kitty turned up and while Kitty thought I was unable to prepare my baby to take her home, I pushed her away and proved her wrong.
The baby is my responsibility and mine alone. I let her mom down, I won’t let my daughter down too.
“What are you going to call her, Mark?” Kitty asks, turning around in the front seat.
I stare at her incapable to give her an answer. Looking down at my daughter, I ask myself the same question.
Rayna had a whole list of names but I was always too busy to take the time to listen seriously. Oh God, the pain in my chest just thinking about her. All our plans for the future, all gone.
“Alannah. That’s what Ray was calling her before she…”
Michael doesn’t finish his sentence. He doesn’t need to, it isn’t going to change anything.
Alannah, I don’t recall hearing Rayna mention that name but Michael wouldn’t lie about it.
Jealousy tears through me, Michael heard her say her name. I never will.
“Alannah Blake,” I say, speaking for the first time in days.
“Alannah,” I repeat.
The baby hears my voice and her little eyes flicker open. That’s definitely her name and she knows it. Of course she does, she’s already heard it from her mom.
I should have been there. We should have named her together. I hate myself for not listening, Ray told me I shouldn’t leave her and I didn’t listen.
Michael drives into the compound and I can’t stand to look at it.
Everyone stops what they’re doing and stand around in silence, all eyes on us as we get out of the car.
I hand Kitty the baby and head into the clubhouse. Without having to say a word, everyone follows me into the bar.
Oak, my oldest friend stands and pulls me into him and hugs me hard when he sees me but I can’t return the same.
“I’m so fuckin’ sorry brother,” he whispers.
When I don’t reciprocate he lets me go and gives me space. I can’t even bear to look at the tears in his eyes.
Micky comes in and doesn’t make eye contact with me, he sketchily stays far away from me and takes a seat by the door.
Now everyone is here, I begin.
“As you know, Rayna passed away four days ago. During the birth she haemorrhaged.”
The sorrys and the condolences roll in and I roll with them. I listen and nod in all the right places. I know they mean well but the words are empty to me.
“I need a minute with Michael, Micky and Oak,” I call out.
The three of them stay behind as everyone filters out and the last guy closes the door behind him.
“What’s going on? You won’t look me in the eye,” I snap at Micky, “And you Michael, you’ve been throwing daggers at Micky since we came in.”
Michael leaps off the table he was sitting on and flies towards Micky. Oak steps between the two and Michael backs off.
“It’s his fault Rayna is dead. He stopped when he shouldn’t have,” Michael roars.
“She was screaming the truck down, what was I supposed to do when she was scared out of her mind?”
“Get her to the fuckin’ hospital.”
“I couldn’t drive with her like that, I panicked myself, okay.”
This could go on all day.
“Shut up, the both of you,” I yell, getting in between them.
I push Michael back and Oak pushes Micky.
“This is my fault and no one else’s,” I yell at the both of them.
“No, Mark, it’s not,” Michael says adamantly.
“Yes, it is. I should have been there with her. She’s my wife and it is my job to protect her. I didn’t and now she isn’t here anymore. This is on me, so back off.”
Water forms in Michael eyes and it hits me that him blaming Micky is because of his own pain.
Then it hits me. Michael in pain makes it real. My own pain increases and I take my pain out on the chair, kicking it across the bar. I pick another one up and throw it at the wall. Picking up another I swing it across the bar and bottles and glasses smash to the floor.
“Ahhhh!” I vent my frustration loudly and aggressively.
“Mark, calm down.”
Oak’s arms encircle me and my legs give out. Falling to my knees, I sob heavily, I let it all out and see nothing but Ray’s face smiling at me.
“Come on, brother. Let’s get you to the house.”
I’m unable to move. Trying to make my legs work is as hard as trying to bring Rayna back to me. It isn’t happening.
Arms envelope me on both sides and the ground moves beneath me.
Like a drunken man I am hefted back to the house, passing by my broth
er’s standing clear of me, their broken President.
I can’t see nothing until we are through the door and my baby girl comes into view being cradled in Flo’s arms.
“I want to be alone with Alannah.”
Flo looks to Micky and then down to my daughter still in her arms.
“What are you looking at him for? Pass me my daughter.”
“Sure.”
Once she is in my arms, I feel lighter.
“You shouldn’t be alone right now, Mark,” Flo chokes out.
“I’m not alone, I’m with my daughter.”
Sleeping soundly, unaware of the pain around her, I rest her against my chest and sit on the couch.
Tears fall down my cheeks and I don’t make a move to wipe them away. This wasn’t how I imagined our daughter’s life beginning.
It’s just the two of us now.
“I promise baby girl, I will always here for you. I won’t let you down.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
MICHAEL
The sun shines brightly over the cemetery, causing everything to seem better than it is. Mark wanted nothing to do with the funeral, the only stipulation he had was that only close family was allowed to attend. Flo is currently being held by Micky as she cries into his shoulder. Shellie is pale leaning against Oak and Kitty is sitting beside me holding the kid. Mark is standing as close to the grave as he can without falling in.
Her casket is hovering above the hole ready to be lowered. I never thought I’d see the day when we were lowering Rayna into the ground. I can’t look at the casket, knowing Rayna’s lifeless body is inside kills me.
Micky standing here is a joke, it’s because of him that she isn’t coming home and Mark can’t see it.
He doesn’t see anything anymore. He doesn’t eat much, he doesn’t talk, he does nothing but stick with the kid day and night. Flo helps with the feeds and the dirty diapers but Mark won’t let anyone else help besides that.
I’m worried for my brother. He’s always been the strong one, the one who builds everyone else up when their struggling. He needs us but he won’t let us in.
I move closer and stand shoulder to shoulder with my brother and look down as the casket is lowered into the ground. Tears fall freely and I don’t give a shit who sees them. I’m tired of hiding my pain and suffering.
Biker Born: The Lost Souls MC Series (The Lost Souls Series Book 4) Page 17