by Rhonda James
“Dammit, Brooke! It’s the whole point. Most people spend their entire lives searching for what practically fell into your lap. If you love this man then you need to fight like hell to hold onto him. He was good to you. You deserve that kind of man in your life.” He came around the desk and knelt in front of me, taking my hand in his.
“Does this have anything to do with the accident? You know that Devon would have wanted you to be happy. That kid was crazy about you. I remember how he would bring you a pink rose every Wednesday."
"Yeah," I chuckled at the memory. "The card always read "Just because it's Wednesday," and he would tell me how lucky he was to have found me."
"He'd want to know that you've found love again. I think he would approve of Sebastian. What are you afraid of?"
“I’m not afraid of anything.” I protested.
“Then why are you running from this? Do you think that walking away from the job in London will be the end of your career. That in some way it would make you a failure?” His eyes searched mine, as if trying to make sense of what I had just told him.
“I don’t see why I should have to choose one or the other. No one I love should ever put me in that position.”
“Did he ever once ask you to choose?” He countered.
I didn’t reply.
“Sweetheart, don’t let your past dictate your future. You and Sebastian are not your parents. You don’t have to repeat those mistakes.”
“I saw him.” I mumbled.
“What?” Confusion now clouded his handsome face.
“My father. He was there, in London. I saw him and we spoke briefly.”
“Wait a minute. You talked to your father? How did that happen? What did he say?”
I filled him in on the details, not leaving anything out. Donnie had heard all about my family, and for years he had tried to convince me to find my father and ask him why he had left. He seemed to think that it would help me get past the abandonment. I had argued with him and told him that I thought it would only make matters worse.
“So aren’t you even the least bit curious? When was the last time you talked to your Mom?”
“I guess it’s been a year now. Last I heard she was still living in Michigan. I guess I could pay her a visit and see if she has anything to say about it. She never would talk about him before.” I picked imaginary pieces of lint off my shirt, keeping my hands busy to prevent them from shaking.
“Brooke, I know the thought of this makes you nervous, but it might help you with your decision about Sebastian. Just promise me that you’ll think about it, and don’t give up on that young man. He wouldn’t give up on you.”
“I don’t know about that,” I whispered.
“Sweetie, a man has his pride. Maybe this time you’ll have to be the one who begs.” He kissed the top of my head and I stood to leave.
“Thanks, Donnie, for everything. I’ve missed talking with you. I promise I’ll let you know what happens, regardless.”
“Love you Brooklyn.” A warm smile filled his face.
“I love you too. Always.” I waved goodbye and headed back to Jade’s.
It had been nearly two weeks since I’d left London. When I spoke with Max this morning he assured me that everything was running smoothly in my absence and that he wanted me to take my time to sort out my mess. As if taking a chapter from Donnie’s book, he did his best to convince me to not give up on my relationship. I didn’t know how to tell them that I hadn’t given up, I was just scared. No matter what I ended up choosing, I knew that I would always love Sebastian. There just wasn’t a single fiber of my being willing to give him up. Every day my heart ached for him. The mere memory of him touching me, or kissing me, made the butterflies return to my stomach.
Jade had been talking with Dek. I’d overheard her conversation the other night. I hadn’t been trying to eavesdrop, but when I heard my name I found my feet rooted to the floor outside her room. I heard her tell him that I'd been having a hard time. She mentioned that I was trying to work out some of my past demons. Demons? Okay, I’ll accept that. She also told Dek that I was still in love with Sebastian, and that I cried myself to sleep every night. Though that part wasn’t entirely true, I had cried, but not every night.
Before Sebastian and I had broken up it seemed that Dek and Jade could have been headed in the same direction. Now, it was as if they’d done a complete flip. It was almost as if our tragedy had been some form of awakening for them. Though she didn’t talk about it much, I heard her on the phone with him most every night. It reminded me of when Sebastian and I had first fallen in love. Boy, we couldn’t seem to get enough of each other back then. Why did things have to change? When had they gotten so complicated? Since my return I had been going about my days as if I were in a trance. Nothing felt quite right to me. No matter what I did, or how I tried to shake it off, my whole world felt out of balance.
I wanted to call him so badly, but I had been the one to end things. My pride wouldn’t allow me to crawl back to him, not just yet. I had a few things that needed clearing up before I made that call. The first thing I needed to do was reach out to my Mom. I could only hope that she would be willing to pour her heart out to me, after all these years.
I dialed the last known number I had for her and, to my surprise, she answered.
"Hello?" I froze. My first instinct was to quickly hang up the phone and pretend like I'd never called. All of a sudden I wasn't sure of what I wanted to say to her. The determination that had previously driven me to call had suddenly vanished. "Hello. Is anyone there?" She repeated.
"Hi Mo…" I cleared my throat. "Mom, it's me, Brooke." My heart thumped wildly against my chest. I glanced down and could swear that I saw my shirt lifting with every beat.
"Brooke? Oh darling it's so good to hear your voice. I was just thinking about you this week. How are you?" Her voice was warm and soft, nothing like I'd remembered it being so long ago. Back then she was always in a hurry to get back to work, or to work on a case. There was always paperwork to be filed. Mom was a lawyer, and dad was a representative for a major pharmaceutical company. He was obviously still in the business seeing as how he'd just been attending the conference in London last week.
"I'm doing well. Actually, I've been better, but for the most part I am well. How about you? How is work?"
"Oh I can't complain. Well, that's not entirely true, of course I could complain, but I won't. Things are going well for me darling. I sold the practice last year and I'm just trying to finally enjoy life, while I still can." She laughed, softly.
"That's good, Mom. I'm glad that you are able to finally settle down." We made some more small talk and then I told her the real reason for my call.
"Listen, Mom, I saw Dad last week at my restaurant in London. He was attending a conference there and he came to my office. I have a lot of questions about him, Mom. I think I deserve some answers." She was quiet, and for a moment I thought she may have hung up. "Mom?"
"I'm here." She reassured me. "Why don't you come stay with me this weekend? We can catch up and I'll tell you everything you want to know. I don't want to do this over the phone." She stated, almost pleading with me.
"Okay." I answered, hesitantly. "I'll come stay with you. Friday night, around six o'clock?"
"That would be perfect. I can't wait to see you." There was a slight hesitation in her voice, and I immediately felt the same sensation of heaviness come over me. I think we were both feeling anxious, despite our outward enthusiasm.
"I look forward to seeing you too."
I hung up the phone and went to find Jade. The sun was shining and she was out on the balcony. Spring was just around the corner, and after living in Michigan all our lives we'd learned to take advantage of the sporadic warm days that often occurred near the end of a long winter season. I pulled a hoodie over my head and joined her.
"I know it's still chilly out, but I couldn't resist." She explained, in response to the sound of my chattering tee
th.
"No, it's not that bad." I conceded. "I've just been locked inside far too long. It's nice to breathe the fresh air."
Michigan was a beautiful state to live in. Sure, it usually got a bad rap for having cold winters, but the seasons in-between more than made up for a few months of winter coats and mittens. Jade and I had spent many summers at her family home up north in Ludington, right on Lake Michigan. I had loved the time spent on Sebastian's ocean beaches, but give me the beautiful sandy beaches and clear waters of Lake Michigan any day. I peered over the railing to the street below. Planter boxes lined the sidewalks and, thanks to the sunshine, the crocuses had just begun to open. Their emergence made me smile.
"Yeah, I like seeing you up and about. It's good to see you smiling. I take it things may be looking up." She wondered. Her warm eyes softened even further as she watched me struggle to respond.
"Well, nothing has changed with Sebastian, if that's what you're wondering." I gave a light laugh, attempting to brush off the hurt that was sure to follow that statement. My fault, I kept reminding myself. "Actually, I just got off the phone with my Mom. I'm going to stay with her this weekend."
"Whoa." Jade gulped. "That's great, Brooke. Can I ask how that came about?" Jade knew me. She knew me well enough to see through my blasé attitude. She knew that if I was voluntarily going to spend time with my Mom then things were serious.
"I've been doing a lot of thinking, for quite some time now. Not long after I had gotten settled in London I realized how selfish I'd been to make the decision to leave without even discussing it with Sebastian. I knew that I didn't need his permission to go, so seeking his approval or support never even crossed my mind. That decision was based on pure selfishness. It was the kind of thing my Mother would have done. What she'd done my whole life." Jade's hand came to rest on my back as I slumped forward in my chair. "I need to see her. I need to know why she made the choices she did, and if she regrets them now. Until I understand that, I don't think Sebastian and I have a chance. I'll always know that he blamed me for tearing us apart. I know he says that he doesn't really feel that way, but I feel it in my heart. I owe it to him to try to understand. I owe it to myself."
"Do you want me to go with you?" She offered. The hand on my back now rubbing mindlessly up and down.
"Thanks." I sniffed. "But I have to do this on my own. I've been running away long enough. Someone once proposed that the road back in may not be as bad as the trip out. Something like that. Either way, I'm hoping they were right." She said nothing, instead nodding her head up and down, sharing in my hope.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
Sebastian~
We were back on tour, finishing out the last shows of the tour. The last show in the states was in L.A., then we were heading back to London for the make-up concert that we'd cancelled after my breakdown. I hadn't called it that, but every chance Davis got he razzed me about falling apart over a girl. He never failed to point out how much trouble I'd caused him by taking off without discussing it with him. I told Travis that if he kept it up much longer he'd be finding another band to manage. Travis did his best to calm me down, but every time Davis walked past me I felt my hands curl into fists.
I was sitting with Dek in a coffee shop, just outside of Cincinnati, when I received a phone call from Savannah.
"Hi Sebastian, it's Savannah." Came a soft voice, and my mind instantly went back to the trip Dek and I had taken to see Brooke and Jade. I couldn't hide the smile that formed on my lips. Savannah had been the sweetest combination of a young girl and a grown up. The ease with which she had spoken to me still amazed me.
"Well, hello Savannah. This is a pleasant surprise. How are you sweetheart?"
"I'm good," she giggled. "I can't wait to see your concert this week."
Savannah's Mom, Rachel, had called me last week to see if my offer of two backstage passes to the L.A. concert was still good. I'd told her that I couldn't wait to see them both. I had arranged to have a limousine pick them up and deliver them to the pre-concert party. I'd asked Davis to make sure that the caterer had kid-friendly food on the table, and not just the usual high-end delicacies. They would be seated just to the right of the stage, away from the crowd, and afterward they would be taken to a suite in a local hotel where they would both be pampered throughout the entire weekend. I wanted it to be a night that both of them would never forget.
"I'm looking forward to seeing you. I think you'll have a great time." I chuckled. There was silence for a moment and then I heard her call out a quick goodbye before her Mom took over.
"Sebastian, I can't thank you enough for everything. I've never seen her this excited. You really didn't need to go to that much trouble." Rachel gushed.
"Rachel, trust me, it's wasn't any trouble. I just want you both to enjoy yourselves."
"Well, I can't imagine how we wouldn't. The evening sounds incredible. I've never had a massage before." She admitted.
"All the more reason for me to make it possible. You deserve to feel special." Dek raised a brow at my tone. He'd been listening intently to every word. Rachel was a single mom and I got the feeling that between working at her job and caring for Savannah she didn't have a whole lot of time to herself. I had a lot of respect for her and what she faced every day. I wanted to do something nice, and it had seemed like a good choice. Natalie had suggested it to me after hearing me talk about them.
"Well, thank you. We can't wait. See you Friday?" She inquired.
"Absolutely. I'll see you Friday. Bye Rachel."
"Bye Sebastian."
Dek watched silently for a moment before speaking up.
"Dude, is something going on?" He questioned.
"No. Why?" I frowned.
"You're like, happy. Shit, you're even smiling. What's up? One phone call with a little girl and you're back to your old self? What gives?" His eyes narrowed a bit, and he leaned closer, whispering. "You got a thing for her Mother?"
"No!" I snapped. "I mean, she's nice and pretty and all. But no, we're just friends." I asserted. "It's just really nice to talk to a woman again."
"Still haven't heard from her?"
I shook my head.
"I really don't expect to. I guess she pretty much said what she needed to say the last time we spoke."
"Jade tells me that she's been having a hard time of it. I guess she's been crying a lot." He offered.
"That so?"
"Yeah. I think she might be doubting her decision."
"Hmmm." I replied, casually, trying not to let him see that it made me happy that she was struggling. I'd been going through my own private hell.
"Doesn't that bother you, man? Call her. Maybe you two just need to see each other face-to-face, without the alcohol and punches." He remarked.
"Hey. Neither of those were my fault. I didn't pour those beers down her throat. And I sure as hell never asked to see her kissing another guy." I slammed my hand down on the table, attracting the attention of a few customers. After a moment they turned their gaze back to their computers. "Tell me what you would have done. How would you have reacted to seeing Jade in someone else's arms."
"I'd probably want to beat them senseless." I threw my hand up at his admission. "I know. It's the same way you reacted. I get that." I glared at him. "I do. But you have to see where I'm coming from. For the past ten months you've been lost in this girl. I've never seen you like that. She's the one, man. Brooke is your future. Why are you letting it slip away?"
"You're right. I've never felt like this about anyone before. I've changed. But I'm not going to beg her to take me back. She made her choices. Now we both have to live with them. And, whether it kills me or not, I have to move on. It's been almost a month." I surmised.
"A month." He scoffed. "You say that as if it's a long time. It's hardly been any time at all." He argued.
"It's felt like a lifetime to me!" I pulled the beanie further down my forehead and sat back, sighing heavily. "When I was in rehab, my therapist
advised me that in order to heal, and get past Charlotte's death, I probably needed to put someone else's needs before my own. When I met Brooke that's what I did. She needed me and I let everything else take a backseat. And I did it willingly, with my whole heart. I fell hard for her. I've never felt something so powerful. My heart would clench every time she came into view, or smiled that sweet smile. Her laughter, it sounded like the best music I've ever heard. And her touch. God. Her touch was the best feeling in the world. When we were intimate, it wasn't just sex. Making love is different. It's passion, and love, and promises. It's everything. Nothing like it was before, with other women." I ran my hands over my face, pulling hard at the stubble along my jaw. "I feel lost without her. Out of balance, you know. I'm lonely, Dek. Talking with Rachel isn’t about me wanting to hook up with her, or having her fill Brooke's shoes. It's about filling a void. Even if it's only a friendship, and it is, it helps ease the pain."
"I'm sorry, man. I don't mean to judge you. I know you're having a hard time. I just hate to see you give up on something that's meant to be." He affirmed.
"If it's meant to be, then it'll happen. Until then, I have to start learning to live my life without her."
The rest of the week seemed to fly by and before I knew it Friday had arrived. We had a show tonight and tomorrow and then a two week rest before the concert in London. I really wasn't looking forward to returning there. Somehow, the city had lost its charm.
The limo had picked up Rachel and Savannah and one of Davis's interns came to inform me that they had arrived backstage. I excused myself from my current conversation and followed the young intern.
"Sebastian!" Savannah called out enthusiastically. She looked adorable, all decked out in every Paradox article of clothing she could manage to throw on. She wore a T-shirt, a baseball cap, a temporary tattoo adorned her left cheek. She even had patches of me scattered randomly over the front of her blue jeans. I smiled broadly at her attire.