Conflicted Innocence

by Netta Newbound

  Her solicitor laid it on about the mitigating circumstances of the intense fatigue and postnatal depression. However, she was still sentenced to twelve years for infanticide. She could have received a much lighter sentence if she’d pleaded guilty and also if it was solely a case of postnatal depression. But the fact that she’d downed half a bottle of vodka went against her.

  Chapter 4

  Simon and Kevin left soon after breakfast the next morning.

  As I watched the van turn off the street, I had a mini panic attack. I didn’t know another soul in the area apart from James, and he would be going off to work come Monday morning.

  “Come here, you silly sausage.” James pulled me into his arms. “You’re gonna be fine. I promise you.”

  I poked at the corners of my eyes and tried to laugh. “I know I will. I’ll miss them, that’s all.”

  “They’ll be coming here as often as they came to Cumbria. It’s only a little further.”

  “Yeah. I know you’re right.”

  “So what do you want to do with the rest of the day?”

  “We don’t need to do anything if you would rather put your feet up. You’re going back to work tomorrow.”

  “Don’t be silly. I want to spend the day with you and Grace. We’ll need to do a full shop at some point, but we can do that later if there’s something else you’d like to do.”

  “I’m easy. Plus I don’t really know what there is around here. But what we could do is make a start on that garden.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Positive. I’m not here on holiday, James. I live here now, and that means we are both responsible for all the maintenance around the place.”

  “Well, it could do with an hour or two spent on it, but then we’ll take Gracie to the playground if you like.”

  “Deal. Right then, where are your gardening tools? We may as well get cracking while Missy-moo is asleep.”

  “Come on then, you slave driver.” He took my hand and folded it over his arm.

  The earlier feeling of panic had left me, and an intense gushiness took over, as I looked at the strapping hulk by my side.

  *

  Between us, we managed to weed all the borders in the front garden, and James made a start on trimming the bushes. I went inside to get Grace when she woke up, and, when I came back, James and Lee were chatting over the adjoining fence.

  I approached them, but the sweeping arm gestures and flared nostrils of our neighbour caused my steps to falter. I considered turning around and leaving them to it, but the nosy old bat inside my head wouldn’t allow me to.

  With Grace gurgling in my earhole, I was almost on top of them before I could hear a single word.

  “I don’t understand why they would bring the date forward. They already gave you a release date,” James said.

  “That’s what I said to the jumped up arse on the phone.”

  “So what are you going to do?”

  “What can I do? I’ll be at the gates on Wednesday and will bring her back here. If only they told me sooner, I could have got some contractors in to finish the job.”

  “So what needs doing?” James asked.

  “Decorating right through, and loads of little things. Nothing major. But I couldn’t expect her to stay there the state it’s in.”

  “Is there anything I can do?” James asked, suddenly noticing us. He pulled us towards him, his arm around my waist.

  “Hi Geri,” Lee said.

  “Hi.”

  “And this must be Grace.” He leaned forward over the fence and put a finger in Grace’s hand.

  She gripped it and squealed—a shameless flirt, just like her mother.

  Lee almost smiled, but a troubled expression suddenly clouded his face instead. “Okay, I’d better get off.” He extricated his finger and rummaged in his jacket pocket, pulling out a bunch of keys. “These are for the office. The alarm number is the same as my house alarm.”

  “No problem, mate.” James took the keys off him.

  “I’m going to take a couple of days off, see if I can get some help before Wednesday. Just make yourself at home there. You know where everything is and if you have any problems, give me a call.”

  “Well, if you need me to do anything, you only need to ask.”

  “Will do, mate. And thanks. Bye ladies.”

  We watched, in silence, as he left.

  “What’s happened?” I asked.

  “It’s a long story. Shall we go for a walk and I’ll tell you all about it? Come to Papa, Gracie.” He held his arms out and she practically jumped into them.

  “Goodness, Missy-moo. Good job I had a tight hold on you.” I laughed. “I’ll just go and get the pushchair.”

  I ran inside and quickly changed my scruffy gardening clothes and threw on a clean T-shirt and jeans. I scraped my messy hair up and was ready to go.

  We were barely out of the gate before I asked again. “Come on, I’m dying to know. What’s happened?”

  “Well, I told you I met Lee and Lydia when they moved next door. I’d only been here a few weeks and desperately wanted to meet some friends outside of work.”

  I nodded.

  “They were the perfect couple. She worked as one of the managers at the Bickerdyke Shopping Centre, and he travelled around setting up insurance policies for businesses. We got on great, and not a weekend passed without us catching up for a meal or watching a movie.”

  I suddenly knew where this was headed. James and Lydia had an affair. I swallowed, my mouth dry all of a sudden.

  “Then Lydia got pregnant.”

  James has a baby! I screamed inside my head.

  “They’d been trying for years and couldn’t wait for their baby to be born. It was all either of them would talk about. I got quite jealous for a while there.”

  So is it your baby or not? I wanted to blurt out.

  “Then the baby arrived. A bouncing baby boy. Why do people say that? A bouncing baby.”

  I shook my head and shrugged impatiently, needing him to get on with it.

  “Anyway, they brought baby Joseph home from the hospital and from that day on the little bugger wouldn’t sleep. The doctors didn’t know why. There didn’t appear to be anything wrong with him, but he would cry and cry all night. During the day, he was happy enough but stayed awake.”

  “So what happened?”

  Grace threw her toy dog onto the pavement.

  James stopped talking, and I picked the toy up quickly, hanging out to know the rest of the story.

  “It went on and on. I had to buy earplugs because he would even keep me awake through the wall. So God knows how they coped. After a couple of months, Lee conveniently had to travel to the London office during the week, only coming back on the weekend. Lydia looked awful.”

  “I can imagine. The poor woman. Couldn’t her family help?”

  “Her mother lived down the road, but she wasn’t much use. And her little sister was more interested in boy bands and mobile phones to be any help.”

  “That’s terrible.” I had masses of help after Grace was born with three dads and a grandad who couldn’t get enough of her. So when I needed a little time to myself, there was never a shortage of eager arms to hand her to.

  Auntie Beryl, my mum’s best friend, was the closest thing to a mother I had since my lovely mum passed away. All the questions I had about caring for a baby were answered by her. She lived a few houses up from my dad. I couldn’t imagine how I would have coped, being alone and exhausted like poor Lydia.

  We reached the corner where the crazy man from yesterday had been. I glanced around hoping we wouldn’t bump into him again.

  “I didn’t know when it started, but Lydia, rightly or wrongly, turned to the bottle. It was the only way she could cope. You know how I feel about alcohol abuse, but I couldn’t blame her. She needed something, and it happened to come in liquid form.”

  “What did she do? Get on with it. The suspense is killing me.”


  “I need to make it clear to you how desperate she was. She was a good and decent woman before all this. And studies show she was suffering from postnatal depression.”

  “I get it. I honestly don’t know how I would manage in her shoes.”

  “Okay then. Early one morning, she ran a bath and put the baby in it. He was eight months old at the time and although he could sit up by himself he often didn’t stay upright.”

  I nodded again, remembering that stage well.

  “Now, Lydia doesn’t remember any of this. She recalls filling the bath, but then she said she went for a lie-down. She awoke when her little sister arrived and found the baby face down in the water.”

  I gasped, my hand flying to my throat.

  “I’ll never forget that bloodcurdling scream. When I got there, Lydia was trying to resuscitate her baby. She wouldn’t allow anyone else near him. She was like a wild animal.”

  “That’s so sad.” Goose pimples covered my entire body and tears filled my eyes. “I couldn’t begin to imagine how she must have felt.”

  “The baby was clearly dead. He was already blue.”

  “Poor Lydia. In fact, poor Lee for that matter! I wish you’d told me all this before I met him. I wouldn’t have asked him if he had children if I’d known.”

  “I wanted to, but I didn’t want you to judge them before you met them.”

  “Them? I thought you said they weren’t together?”

  “I said that in front of Simon and Kevin because I didn’t want to go into it then. But Lydia was prosecuted for killing Joseph. She was meant to be released in a few weeks, but they just rang Lee to tell him they’ve brought the release date forward to Wednesday for some reason. That’s why he’s in such a panic.”

  “I see. But I’m still confused. Where’s he gone then?”

  “He bought a cottage just past Mansfield on the Sheffield road. He didn’t want to bring her back here, and I must admit I don’t blame him, but I can’t see he has a choice now.”

  “What a mess. Is there anything we can do? We could tidy up this house perhaps? If he’s gonna have to bring her home here.”

  “I’ll call him later. I have a key, so that may be a good idea if he doesn’t mind us going through his stuff.”

  “I hope not. I’d like to do something for them. It’s so tragic what happened.”

  We’d reached the playground and Grace was wriggling and trying to escape her pushchair.

  As I walked around the front of her to let her out, James grabbed my hand and pulled me into his arms, planting a kiss on my lips.

  “What was that for?” I asked, surprised.

  “I knew you’d understand. But a lot of people around here have been nasty, saying she deserved all she got and that Lee is no better for standing by her.”

  “Well, I’m not like them, obviously. I couldn’t begin to imagine how she gets through her days. And the thought of coming back to this house, where it all happened, doesn’t bear thinking about.”

  I lifted Grace from her pushchair and held her tightly for a second, breathing in her delicious baby scent. Losing her would tear my heart out.

  Chapter 5

  After dropping off the keys to James, Lee headed straight back to the cottage. The journey took longer than usual as, just outside Nottingham, the heavens opened making it difficult to see the road ahead.

  While stuck in traffic, he called around a few local decorators, but they were all booked out for months in advance, so he would have no choice but to continue alone. He knew there wasn’t a chance in hell of getting it all done before Wednesday, but he would try his best. If he could just finish their bedroom and the lounge and kitchen to a fashion, he’d be happy with that.

  It would be better to bring Lydia home to a partially finished house than to take her to the old one.

  As soon as he arrived back, he got on with decorating the lounge in taupe and cream swirled wallpaper, and worked flat stick until his stomach growled. He’d not eaten since the two rounds of toast that morning. It was still hammering down outside, so he grabbed his keys and drove to the Chinese takeaway.

  “Hi, Eric. The usual, please,” he said, as he burst through the door, already soaking wet from the five second dash from the car.

  “You not usually here on Sunday,” Eric said, his words heavily accented.

  “I’m taking a few days off work, so you’ll have to put up with me for a few extra nights.”

  “No problem.”

  They made small talk until his meal was ready, and then Lee braced himself for the return dash to the car.

  As he put the keys in the ignition, someone with a large fur hood tapped on his window.

  He wound it down a few inches.

  “Can you spare a few pence for a cuppa, sir?” a young girl, who couldn’t have been more than sixteen, asked.

  “I’ve got no cash on me, sorry. What are you doing out on a night like this?” he shouted above the rain.

  The wind blasted, and the girl turned her back to fend off the worst of it.

  “Got nowhere else to go,” she finally managed to shout back.

  Horrified, Lee pointed to the passenger side. “Come on, get in.” He took the takeaway bag and a couple of other items off the seat and put them on the floor.

  The door opened, and the girl was blown in beside him. He fiddled with the heater and, within seconds, it blew out a steady stream of hot air.

  “There you go. You must be freezing,” he said, turning back to his passenger.

  She pulled the hood down, and Lee noticed her showering water all over his upholstery, but he didn’t say anything. She looked a little older than he first thought, but still young, with long, dark brown hair and masses of black eye makeup surrounding her grey eyes.

  “What are you doing out in this weather?” He shook his head as she held red, raw fingers up close to the heater.

  She shrugged.

  “Are you from around here?”

  “You’re not a nonce, are you?” she said, eyeing him warily. She had the roughness of a street walker and the face of an angel.

  “If you mean a sex offender, I can assure you I most definitely am not.” He laughed.

  “I don’t know why you’re laughing. You haven’t a clue how many ordinary looking men are nonces.”

  “You’re full of compliments.”

  She wrinkled her nose in a sneer. “What you on about?”

  “First you think I’m a nonce, and then you tell me I’m ordinary looking.”

  She shrugged.

  “Okay, I guess we can’t sit here all night. Have you eaten?”

  She shook her head.

  “Well, my house is just along the road there, and my dinner’s getting cold. You’re welcome to join me if you like.”

  “What would you expect from me in return?”

  More than a little irritated by her rudeness, he sighed. “I wouldn’t expect a thing. Let’s get this straight before we go any further. I am not a nonce. I am not a weirdo. I don’t intend to kill you. I’ve been working all day. I’m hungry, and there’s chicken chow mein, rice and chips going cold as we speak. Now, if you want to join me, feel free. Otherwise, I’ll bid you goodnight and be on my way.”

  She scowled, reached for the seatbelt and fastened it in place.

  “I take it you wish to join me then?” He buckled his own seatbelt and started the car.

  When he pulled up outside the cottage, she laughed.

  “I didn’t think you meant it was that close,” she said.

  “It was raining cats and dogs. I wasn’t about to walk.” He grabbed the food and got out of the car.

  “What? Cats and dogs?” she said, also getting out.

  The rain had reduced to a drizzle, but they jogged down the path to the cottage.

  “It’s a saying. Haven’t you heard it before?”

  Her face lit up as she laughed, making her look like a child. “Stupid saying.” She shook her head as she followed
him inside.

  Lee busied himself dishing up the food. He watched her eyeing up the bare room from his position at the breakfast bar.

  He nodded to the floor as he approached her. “Take a seat, my dear.”

  He handed her the only plate and fork he had in the place, leaving his dinner in the plastic takeaway container, he would us a teaspoon, the only other item of cutlery.

  “So, are you going to tell me your name?” he asked, sitting beside her on the bare floorboards.

  She shovelled the noodles into her mouth as though she hadn’t eaten for a week. It took a while for her to empty her mouth to answer. “Susie.”

  “Hi, Susie. My name is Lee.”

  She nodded, but was not in the least bit interested.

  “Are you from this neck of the woods, Susie?”

  “Why do you talk like that?”

  “Like what?”

  “Are you from this neck of the woods, it’s raining cats and dogs—like that.”

  “They’re commonly used sayings. I’ll try not to if it offends you.”

  “Doesn’t offend me. I just wanted to know. And why’ve you got no furniture?”

  “I don’t live here. I’m renovating the cottage before I move in.”

  She finished her food and wiped her mouth on her sleeve.

  “When did you last have a bath?”

  She shrugged. “I don’t think I’ve ever had a bath. We only had a shower at home.”

  “When did you last shower then?”

  “Maybe a month. I do wash myself most days in the public toilets.”

  “There’s only a bath here at the moment. The plumber’s halfway through fitting the shower, but I could run you a nice hot bath if you like?”

  He watched the cogs turning in her brain and knew she was weighing up the dangers of accepting a bath.

  “I know what you’re thinking, and I have no idea what’s made you so terrified of men, but I promise you, my offer is genuine. You can stay for a bath or leave whenever you like. Where have you been sleeping, if you don’t mind me asking?”

  “Here and there. I started off on a mate’s sofa, but her boyfriend wanted payment in kind, if you know what I mean?”