by Sana Abid
"You better."
"I'll go now," I said playing with my key chain. In movies, goodbyes were always awkward, especially after the first date. It was like Jay and I had our first date last night—wait, did we? But we were saying goodbye, though. The thing was, it wasn't awkward. Maybe that's why I felt so comfortable with him. He never made anything feel awkward.
As soon as I turned to leave, Jay grabbed my wrist, which was what I was silently praying for, and spun me around. His arms looped around my pink skirt like a belt as I placed my hands over his chest.
"I had a great time with you."
"Me too."
"Good," he told me, smiled and finally brought his lips on mine, eating away the gloss before biting down hard on my skin. We both moaned, neither of us caring about how loud we were.
"You taste so good," he spoke over my lips.
"It's the lip gloss."
"It's you." He pecked my lips one last time before letting me go.
"You do too." I waved him goodbye, flushed and craving. How could breakfast satisfy me when his lips tasted so good? Oh, God, what would I do if I actually tasted him? All of him. The thought of screaming his name in bed distracted me the entire way. I was so dazed that I didn't even remember getting in the car. Jay stood where he was, hands in his pockets probably
waiting for me to go. Leaving Jay was the last thing I wanted to do, but Eva had my word.
In the middle of reversing my blue Honda I remembered something. I rolled down the window, my foot crushing the brakes. "Hey!"
"Yeah?"
"Feel better, okay? Drink water, eat food or whatever you people eat."
"You people." He barked out a laugh. "I'm human like you."
"Whatever," I said rolling my eyes, "just feel better."
"Don't worry about me." He waved.
Cameron's was a waffle house. The menu consisted of waffles with different flavors and toppings, but it also had pancakes, muffins, and omelets. I know I had said breakfast didn't sound that appealing, but the moment I stepped inside Cameron's, my mouth watered, my stomach rumbled, and my craving for Cameron's famous egg-white omelet skyrocketed.
It made me feel guilty. Jay hadn't eaten last night nor this morning. Imagine how hungry he must be. I really wished he had come with me. Breakfast and Jay would make me on cloud nine.
It turned out I was actually early. There was no traffic coming here, but I was sure going back would be a problem. Rain was always a magnet for traffic. Being early sucked. Eva wasn't even here. I could have hung out with Jay some more, maybe persuaded him to come.
"Are you ready to order?" a boy with blond hair, whom I'd never seen before, came up to my booth and asked, his notepad ready in his hand. He must be in college probably working part time. I knew because Sergio had that "help wanted" sign taped on the glass window last week.
"Not yet. I'm waiting for a friend." I smiled politely.
"That's okay," he said, nodding. The blond left me and went to assist another table.
"God, Eva, where are you?" I said to no one. She'd be here soon, I was sure. She'd never miss a stack of Belgium waffles and whipped cream.
Forty minutes passed. Still no sign of her. After calling a bunch of times, I gave up trying to reach her. It always went straight to voice message. Seriously, she stood me up? I'd never done that to her, not even today when I really wanted to reschedule. My head throbbed, that's how freaking pissed off I was right now. The waiter came up to me again, but this time I told him to bring me a breakfast burrito to go.
"Seriously, Eva, why aren't you picking up the phone? Call me. I'm heading home now." I left her one last message, got in the car and headed home. Maybe I'd catch up with Jay if he didn't mind. We had just seen each other less than an hour ago, but I already missed him. Did he miss me too?
At a red light, my phone started to buzz. Finally! She decided to call me back. I almost never touched my phone while I drove, but at long red lights like this one, it really didn't matter if I sent a text or two or answered a call. Plus, I was itching to know what her excuse was for abandoning me. The phone number was not Eva's, however. I narrowed my eyes at the screen wondering who it could be— maybe Jay was calling, but how did he get my number?— before I picked it up.
"Hello, Vivian!" She was crying, Eva's mom.
"Mrs. Barton, are you okay? What's wrong?" The response was a howling cry then a cracking voice as if she was being choked. "Mrs. Barton, you're scaring me!" I said. My heart never beat this fast before. An unsettling feeling crawled its way inside my body, the kind where you knew shit wasn't right. "What's wrong, Jacqueline!" I glared at the traffic light, red, but it'd be green soon.
"It's—" she started but broke down next second. Her cries faded away and someone else grabbed the phone from her. It was Eva's brother.
"Jim, what the hell is going on?" I yelled.
He was crying too. "It's Eva. She's been in a car accident."
CHAPTER 9
Murphy Hospital was unusually empty today. It was the largest hospital in the city with more than 200 staff members, but today it felt like I was alone walking these halls, the white walls closing in on me.
Room 231. Eva's room.
Her family was waiting in the hallway, praying, hoping, wishing. I stopped in my tracks and looked at Eva's mom, Jacqueline, a small woman who usually had her red hair braided to the side, but today her hands ran through the disheveled strands, pulling on them like a madwoman. Her eyes were bloodshot, sunken as she glared at the floor. They looked like they'd been crying for years. Jim looked the same, only he had no tears. His mossy eyes stared at me, but he didn't care to move. He was a stone.
"Mrs. Barton," I breathed once I remembered how to. Inhale, exhale. My chest hurt bad, and my body felt like collapsing on the floor, but I rushed over to Eva's mom and wrapped my arms around her. She tightened the embrace, her tears gushing down all over again. I choked back my own. I had to be the strong one. For her. For Jim. For Eva.
"What— what did the doctor say?" I croaked. Jacqueline didn't reply. She just hid her face in my shoulder, cried, cried, and cried. "Jim." I turned to the fourteen-year old boy on the hospital floor. No answer. My heart felt like it was slowly being ripped from my chest. "Will someone fucking tell me what the doctor said!" I didn't care if my voice echoed in the hallways. I didn't give a damn about anything. "Tell me!"
Jim turned away, the vein in his neck throbbing as if he too wanted to scream. It was Jacqueline who spoke between her sobs. I made out her words though they were strained, muffled.
"Someone… drove… through… through a red light… and… hit… her. She's…"
"She's?"
"She's in a coma." Jaqueline wailed, her scratchy words playing in my head over and over again. My brain just couldn't process it. It didn't want to process it. How could this have happened? I talked to Eva less than two hours ago. She was happy, she teased me, she laughed. How could that girl be in—
I sank in the chair, lifting my legs up before hiding my face in them. I didn't want to talk to anyone, I didn't want to be here, I didn't want to believe anything Jacqueline was saying. The three of us drowned in our miseries silently, keeping still as wood carving as we waited for someone to reach out to us.
It must've been an hour until someone came. "Mrs. Barton?" a soft voice hinted at our direction. All of us jerked up instantly. It was a nurse dressed in light blue scrubs. Her hazel eyes were full of sympathy, but we didn't want that. We wanted closure.
She spoke, "You may see her now." Jacqueline jumped on her feet long with Jim. Both of them stared at me, waiting for me to get up, but I shook my head. I couldn't bear to go in yet. "You guys go first. I'll wait." Jacqueline nodded and rushed inside room with her son.
With the two of them gone, I sank back into the chair shutting my eyes closed. Tears streamed down my face in an uncontrollable fashion. They were hot tears, tears for Eva who didn't deserve any harm, not even a sting from a bee. She was always th
e sweet one, the nice one, the optimistic one. She wanted to squeeze every bit of joy from life that she could get as if she planned on making the sweetest lemonade for herself and everyone around her. My head spun imagining her accident. I wanted to beat the crap out of the bastard who did this to her. I wanted to track him down and make him pay for what he did. I wanted to— I wanted to do a lot but I didn't; my body stayed glued to the chair for what felt like hours until they came back.
"Vivian?" Jacqueline's voice broke me from my thoughts. I flung my eyes opened.
"How is she?"
"She needs you." Eva's mom gave me a tearful smile before going back to her chair. In my head, I wish I could run away and hide and escape from these white walls. But this wasn't one of Jay's books. This was reality.
The room was cold but being so numb from the inside, I didn’t even flinch from it. The pale walls of the ICU were stripped away from their colors and so was my best friend. Her pale, pasty skin was almost translucent. My heart broke at the sight of her.
"Hey." A sob escaped me. I choked and turned back to the door. "I can't do this." More tears fell down cluttering around my lashes until I was blinded by my emotions. "God, Eva, I am so sorry!" I gasped for air. "You were supposed to meet me for breakfast. I wanted to tell you about Jay." Turning around I forced myself to look at her. My head hurt so much that I wanted to throw up, the same unsettling feeling awakened in the pit of my stomach.
Tubes were attached everywhere in her body; they were what was keeping her alive. Parts of her limbs were covered in bandages wherever the cuts and contusions were; they were like beige pythons wrapped around her delicate body. I remembered the time when Eva had dressed up like a mummy for a Halloween party two years ago, how excited she was. I really wished she hadn't.
Even in this state, Eva kept her beauty. Her long lashes were falling over her cheeks. I'd wake her up the day after our sleepovers, and her eyes would flutter open, beautiful green-blue eyes.
Now, she didn't even stir when I held her hand. Because she wasn't sleeping.
"Eva," I cried, "please, I need you." The only reply came from the beeping machine. It felt like a slap in my face, like daggers cutting through me. It was enough to break me into a million pieces, and I knew I wouldn't be the same person that I was hours ago even if those pieces were put back together by the world's strongest glue.
Defeated, I slipped my hands away from Eva's. She'd get better. Eva was a fighter; she always came through. and this time, it wouldn't be any different. I used the back of my hand to wipe the tears away from my face.
"No more crying in front of you," I whispered to her. "You'll get better. You'll see. You'll get better, Eva."
That night, the light drizzle remained like a storm to me. I'd been wandering around the hospital grounds, hands in my purple cardigan, without really knowing where to turn.
Tears had stopped falling but the numbness grew inside me. Physical pain would have been way better than this. I already felt like I'd taken a blow to my stomach, and I was bruised from the inside in ways I couldn't even describe.
I sat down on a bench hugging my purse for comfort. What should you do when your best friend was in the hospital hanging by a thread between life and death? The very thought sent a shiver down my back, clouded my brain from thinking rationally.
Death, the end of everything. No one could escape it. People went to sleep without thinking it could be their last day on earth. We laughed and laughed our hearts out without thinking about those who once did the same but were now gone. It's a bad habit of us all: we took Life for granted when Life had the upper hand. It always had it, and it always would. Eva had so much but look at her now. Now, She had nothing but tubes keeping her alive. I imagined a horrible thought of her being gone, of everybody being gone. Those gone would never laugh again. They'd never touch their favorite things again. They'd never hold their loved ones or hear their favorite songs again. I suddenly forgot the purpose of life. Why did anything matter if we were all just going to be gone anyways? Some sooner than others, but at the end we were all going to reach the finish line.
The cold wind wrapped itself around me in a bitter hug. I clung on to my purse for support. I was sure the wind was strong enough to carry every piece of me away with it wherever blew. It could if it wanted to, actually, I'd let it. It didn't even matter anymore.
Why was the Universe playing a sick joke with me when things were finally beginning to turn around? I thought, for once, everything would be different with Jay around, with Eva forgiving me, with Tate offering me a job. I actually let my guard down for a moment and accepted the fact that happiness was real. But it was a false alarm, a mirage. All of it. No one could be happy, truly. Life always snuck around you when you least expected it. All these years I was right about not letting myself get fooled by small positive changes. The net outcome was always negative.
God, my head pounded hard against my skull. I reached into my purse for some Tylenol. Small pills couldn't take all the pain away, but I took them anyway, so I had a distraction. Swallowing them down without water, I imagined choking on them. Maybe that's how I was going to die.
As I put the container back, I noticed the black card. Jay's phone number. The card dampened in the rain when I took it out of my bag. Then, I pulled out my phone, dialing the top seven digits, which had the letter J next to them. My fingers were senseless from how numb I was, but I managed to hit the call button before the screen turned off. It rang twice before someone picked it up.
"Hey! I've been waiting for you to call." Jay's voice seemed like a melody, so pure, warm, comforting. Tears stung my eyes. I thought about Eva, how she couldn't hear the comforting voice of her mother, how she couldn't feel safe from the warmth of her family's voices like how I did with Jay's words. I wasn't drowning in the rain, I was drowning in guilt. "You there?"
"Jay." My voice cracked.
"Viv? What happened? What's wrong?"
"Can… Can you pick me up?" It was impossible to keep my voice from breaking. My car was parked in the hospital parking garage, but I couldn't drive, not in a condition like this.
"Where are you?" Jay asked sternly.
"Murphy Hospital."
"I'll be right there. Wait for me, okay?" I nodded, too tired to speak, and hung up. For the first time in my life, I looked up at the sky— really looked at it— trying to see what was behind the darkness. Tiny droplets fell like golden glitter on my face, one street lamp illuminating everything around me. I squinted at the sky and wondered if the Universe was laughing at us secretly. The dark sky could be a curtain, the Universe was the director, all of us were the characters of a tragic play. Wow. And people called Shakespeare's plays tragedies. I couldn't stop thinking about life being a miserable theater show. It just made so much sense. There were so many similarities. I thought about it the entire time I was alone on the hospital bench, feeding on every negative thought my inner voice gave me. She was right; nothing could ever be right.
Who knew how long it took for Jay to come? My mind was so occupied with the stretching sky and the rain and the emptiness that I didn't even notice the high-beam headlights shining on my face until a voice called out to me. Then there was the slamming of the door. Heavy footsteps grew louder and louder, splashing into puddles until they stopped right in front of me. I blinked away from the sky.
It took me a while to focus on Jay's face. The rain had gotten heavier. Without saying a word, he bent down. I let him wrap his arms around me, let him soothe me. I buried my face in his chest allowing his scent to comfort me even though that was selfish. I was selfish. I wanted to leave. I wanted to run far, far away. I yearned for that escape from Jay, the one he offered to give me the night we met.
Jay could take me away from all this.
"It's okay." He rubbed the back of my head. "It's going to be okay." No, it won't, I wanted to yell, but I kept my mouth shut. I felt like I was going to collapse if I said another word.
"Let's go," he sai
d the words that I had been dying to hear. Jay slipped his arms around me and we walked to his car. Then he helped me inside, shutting the door behind him. My gaze landed on the hospital where Eva was. It tore me apart to want to leave her like that, but it'd kill me to stay here too. I imagined Eva frowning at me when Jay put the car in reverse before driving away in the lonely street. She was shaking her head at me.
I'm sorry. I'll be back, that's what I told the figment of my imagination. But deep down, I never wanted to see those taunting white walls ever again.
CHAPTER 10
"We're going back to my place," Jay said. The car halted at a stop sign then turned left. I didn't reply. My mouth felt like it was full of sand. "Talk to me, Viv. What happened?"
"Eva…" It was the only thing I managed to say. Thankfully, Jay left it at that and didn't press on any further. We drove in utter silence through a long road that was sandwiched between trees and suburban houses. One of those houses was Eva's. I choked on air, squeezing my eyes shut until we passed the neighborhood. She was haunting me.
"We're here," Jay announced after turning the ignition off and parking in a big driveway. His car was the only one parked in front of the big house, almost the size of a mansion. I stared at the front door. It was a red door which had a metal door knocker that looked like an ancient symbol. I tore my gaze away from it, uninterested.
Jay got out of the car to open the passenger door for me. "Come on, you need to get into some dry clothes." I appreciated the softness in his voice, but I kind of hated him for it too.
Who cared about wet clothes at a time like this? Jay lowered his hand for me to grab. I stared at it with hesitation before wrapping my fingers around his as he helped me out, locked the car, and lead me to the house. I followed him like a stray dog. A wet, pathetic stray dog.
Jay's house smelled like a blend of lavender and sandalwood. It was a sweet amalgam of comfort and safety. A pleasure for my senses. I hated it.