by Sana Abid
We entered the hallway, which sheltered us from the storm outside. The last thing in my eyes were the trees swaying across the street in a violent manner before Jay shut the door. I imagined their roots giving up trying to support their thick barks. If the wind picked up, those trees would surely fall. If life could knock down the strongest of the trees, who are we? So tiny and hopeless compared to them.
"Come with me," Jay said heading deeper inside the house. Our hands were still locked together, the only thing preventing me from dropping down on the floor and curling up in a ball. In another universe I'd be elated because I was in Jay's house. All sorts of questions would pop up in my head. What color were his walls? What kind of sofas did he have? What was his room like? How big was his bed? But in this universe, I kept my eyes on the floor. There was no need to explore anything. It just didn't feel right to feel anything but despair.
We ended up in the master bedroom, Jay's room. I stayed by the door, kind of embarrassed of how much of a mess I had made. Eva would freak if I did that to her house. The floor had puddles and, for sure, I had left a trail of them behind me. Jay opened a few drawers, pulled out a pair of red sweatpants and a gray t-shirt, and motioned for me to come inside. I shook my head.
He sighed. "Come here, Vivian. I know things aren't right, but you need to get out of those clothes and talk to me. At least let me dry you up."
"No. I don't—"
"Please." The look on his face was unbearable. He really was worried, and here I was being selfish again. Hugging myself, I entered Jay's room. I tried not to snoop around and awe at how homely his bedroom was, but I just couldn't help it. The walls were a calm maroon, the furniture was dark wood, and the bed in the middle seemed plump, cushiony. Could I sink so down on it so it could engulf me? I wished.
"Thank you," I said taking the clothes from him. "For everything."
"Don't thank me, Viv." His smile was kind. "Let me dry you up."
"No, um, I'll… I'll shower."
"Okay. Please, come down after. I'll make you something to eat."
Eva couldn't eat. "No."
"Please. Come downstairs when you're ready. Towels are in the bathroom. I'll be in the kitchen, okay?"
"Okay." I licked my lips. How very dry and cracked they were.
"Good," Jay said. I shut my eyes when he kissed my forehead, the hole in my heart swelling . Then he stepped out of the room, leaving me alone to submit to my guilt all over again.
I let the hot water run down to my toes in the shower. It was scorching, perfect to keep my thoughts from getting cloudy. It had been a long day, and the night only felt longer. I wanted it to be over, the pain. I couldn't bear the image of Eva's still body behind my eyelids. Each time I blinked, I'd see her. First, she was laughing, then all of a sudden, she was on that hospital bed with those tubes sticking out of her like spider legs.
I flung my eyes open no matter how much they stung from salty tears. I couldn't be alone. The thought of Eva was eating me alive. Turning the shower off, I rushed to get out of the tub, nearly falling down from how lightheaded I was. Please, please, God, make Eva better.
"Hey, sit down." Jay pulled a chair out for me. The dining table was a square glass, a chair on each side of it. I made my way to the one Jay chose for me and sat down. There was a plate of ravioli in front of me, steaming hot, saucy, gooey with cheese. I felt nauseated.
"Can I have water?" I asked him.
"Of course." Jay jumped up from his seat to rush to the kitchen. I sat at the table and pictured Ron in his place. Never in a million years would that jerk be remotely as caring as Jay was. Why was Jay so caring? What was so special about me? Before I could taunt myself some more, Jay came back with a tall glass of water. He even put ice in it.
"Thanks." I forced a smile, failed. To me, the water was what blood tasted like to a lion. I gulped large amounts of it in a matter of seconds, remembering what thirst felt like.
"I'll get you more."
"No," I said and grabbed his hand. "Stay."
"I will," he whispered, pushing a strand of hair off my face. "What happened?" For the first time today, I didn't cry when I thought of Eva. My tears had run dry.
"Eva…" I started and I was back to staring at the floor.
"Is she all right?"
I shook my head. "She got in a car accident."
"Shit." I heard Jay say. "What happened?" The voice in my head told me not to tell him, that it was better if I dealt with this alone, but then I thought against it. Why should I be the only one suffering with the pain? The guilt about Eva would literally kill me as it was already bubbling inside my veins, so I told him everything. My heart poured out to him, the thoughts in my mind flowing out of my mouth. It didn't feel like exploding anymore, my head. With the burden shared, I felt more like myself than I did in the past hours. And Jay listened in the best way that he could. To every single word.
"Life can be so unpredictable," he said in a sad tone.
"Life is shit," I replied.
"Not always." He glanced at me. "She'll get better hopefully."
"There's a chance she won't." I was bitter. How could Jay be so calm about this? Oh wait, it wasn't his best friend or his brother in the fucking hospital.
"Don't think like that, Viv." Jay squeezed my hand. "Not at a time like this. Not when Eva and her family need you."
"It's easier said than done." I scoffed yanking my hand away.
"I know," he said with his jaw clenched, "but—"
"No but Jay. Did you see her? No, I did. She's in a coma. A fucking coma! Doctors say there's a chance she won't make it! I heard them!" Jay flinched at the sound of my voice. "I'm sorry. You just…you just don't know what I'm going through. It's not your fault." I watched him raise eyebrow.
"I don't know what you're feeling?"
"Uh—" He didn't let me finish and stormed out of the room.
"Jay," I called out in lament. There was no answer. I began to worry that he left me for good until he came back in the room with the same intensity that he had when he stormed out. A loud smack echoed in my ears when he threw the tiny green book on the table in front of me. It was the one he always carried. "You said I don't know what you're going through?" Pain flashed in his eyes.
I gulped. "I… I didn't—"
"I was seven when I lost both my parents. You don't know how it feels," he mocked my words with a sarcastic laugh. "They gave me that for my seventh birthday. I put it on my desk and went to school." He pointed at the book. "When I came back from school, I found my dad holding the book to his chest and crying. I didn't know why until he told me my mom was gone. It was too late for her to come back. I didn't know what that meant, but Tate told me it was going to be alright. We visited her, Tate, my dad, and me, every day. One day, when we went to see her, she didn't recognize us. I was so damn scared. My own mother didn't know me. My dad took it worse. The next day, I woke Tate up because Dad was nowhere to be found. We found the same book on their bed. He… he left us too. Tate took care of me ever since."
"Why… why did she leave?" I was scared to ask but the question left me before I could stop myself from asking it.
"She was a writer. It was her dream—no— it was her destiny to be heard through her books. But when fate decided against that, she couldn't handle it. The rejections."
"I'm sorry." I dropped my gaze, but I felt his eyes penetrated my soul. Images of Jay's past flashed in my head. He didn't deserve any of it. Tears blurred my vision until they blinded me. "I just… I just don't know… I don't know what to do," my words slurred. I hid my face in my hands, so Jay wouldn't see the mess that I had become within the past hours. The reflection I saw in the bathroom highlighted my hollow eyes, the discoloring of my skin, and a broken expression. But that wasn't even the entire picture. The clutter in my head was the real problem. If Jay didn't want to deal with that, if he wanted me to get out of his house, he could gladly kick me out. I deserved it after all he did was try to help.
&nb
sp; "Vivian…" he spoke to me as if he was talking to a child. I expected him to say something else. But that was it, my name on his lips. I felt his strong arms around me.
"How could you hug me when I was so shitty to you?" I asked sniffling. There was no doubt in my mind that I was getting sick.
"You're not shitty to me." Jay sighed. His fingers combed my hair back in a soothing way when I pressed my head against his torso. "You're going through a lot, and I understand that."
"I just can't think straight anymore," I admitted. "I just don't feel anything. I don't want anything. Nothing matters."
"That isn't true at all. A lot of things matter. And when Eva gets better, she'll tell you the same thing." His words played with my emotions in the worst way possible. I could just imagine Eva yelling at me with her sassy voice. Would I ever hear her again?
"Viv?
"Hm?" I rubbed my eyes before sitting up straight.
"She'll get better."
Maybe, I thought. "Can I stay here tonight?"
"What kind of question is that?" Jay looked at me funny. "I'm not letting you leave."
"Okay." I gave him a wan smile. "I'm tired."
"But you have to eat." He grabbed the plate, pushing it closer to me. "It got cold, but I can heat it up."
"I'm not hungry."
"Please." His eyes begged me to comply.
"I might throw up."
"The last time you ate was?" Jay raised a brow.
"Doesn't matter."
"I have an idea." Before I knew it, Jay lifted me off my chair, threw my body over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes, and carried me to a different room, the living room. A scream left my mouth when I was tossed in the air, the couch breaking my fall.
"Are you mad?" I yelled.
"No, but I will be if you don't eat," Jay said picking up the remote.
"I said I feel sick looking at the food." Jay ignored me. With a ding, the TV turned on. He flipped through channels faster than I could blink, stopping on one that satisfied him.
"What—"
"We're going to watch some cartoons as you eat." I gave him a blank look. "Trust me it's the best distraction." I didn't argue with him. The sudden bright colors on the screen captured my attention the way light did to wasps. Jay had put on Tom and Jerry. It was a rerun, a very old episode.
"I remember this," I said wiping my snot with the end of my sleeve—well Jay's. He didn't seem to mind that I was ruining his shirt.
"Yeah?" Jay sat down on the couch next to me.
"Yeah, it's when Tom was competing with another cat to win the girl at the beach." From my periphery, I saw Jay holding up the fork with some ravioli on it, steam rising from it as if it had just been cooked. He had heated it up. It smelled divine like the one you'd smell in an Italian restaurant. My stomach forgot about its hunger strike and grumbled—it was a green light. I opened my mouth for a bite, my eyes glued to the screen. Another bite then another. Before I knew it, the ravioli on the plate was gone.
"See? Told you, you can eat." He flashed a toothy grin at me and got up to put the plate away. He was right. TV was a distraction, a temporary one. The minute the episode was over, when commercials came on, my thoughts went back to circling around Eva. What was the last thing she ate? What was her last text? What was she wearing before they put her in that horrible blue hospital gown? I wanted to slap myself for thinking like she was dead. She wasn't. But she was gone, sleeping so soundlessly that she was unable to escape from her nightmare.
"Viv?" Jay asked, concerned when he saw me staring at the ceiling with vacant eyes.
"Hm?"
"Let's get you in bed. You need to rest."
"Okay." I didn't argue. My legs trembled getting up, the same nauseating feeling washing over me. There was an acidic taste in my mouth, a foul taste like I was about to throw up all over Jay's bare floor. But Jay caught me in a tight grip and led me upstairs to his room before I could. I wondered if I would be able to fall asleep in a state like this.
"There's extra toothbrushes in the bottom cabinet," Jay said. Then he kissed my pale knuckles. "You can sleep in my room. I'll take the guest room."
"You're not staying?" My voice sounded foreign to my ears, so flat, so vulnerable. Inside I was screaming.
"I don’t know if you want to be alone."
I shook my head. "Stay."
"Of course." He kissed the back of my hand again before letting me slip into the bathroom. I brushed my teeth like how I did every night, but tonight I scrubbed them so violently that my gums bled. I spat the minty toothpaste and the metallic taste of my blood in the sink, gargled and repeated to get rid of the bad taste in my mouth, the one you got when you were sick. With one more glare at myself, I turned the lights off and left the bathroom, never wanting to see my reflection ever again.
Jay had the bed ready by the time I came back. He held the blanket's corner to let me slip in before he tucked me inside.
"Lights off?" He gestured to the lamp.
I nodded. "Yes." He pulled the metal chain hanging from the lamp down, climbing on the other side of the bed.
"It'll get better, Vivian," he said once it was dark. I could just imagine the consoling look on his face. "I promise you that."
"Not always."
"Time heals," he argued. Then his strong arms curled around my waist, pulling me closer to him.
"How are you like this?" The question left my mouth before I could stop it.
"Like what?" One of his hands cupped the side of my face.
"Nice, " I said blankly.
"Nice? You think I'm nice?" He was amused. I sensed him smiling.
"Yes. Eva and I used to complain about all boys being jerks. There they were, my thoughts going back to Eva. "I remember the day. It was so hot outside. The AC broke in our dorm room, so we had a battery-powered fan."
"College dorms are the worst," Jay said his finger stroking my neck. I couldn't imagine Jay living in a dorm.
"They are." I felt a smile teasing my lips as the day became clearer in my head. "That fan barely helped. The two of us had given up studying, and we started painting our nails. I was like 'Damn Eva, get some ice or something so we can shove it down our bras or our underwear.' She said no. And I complained how useless she was. I said," a small laugh escaped my throat as I spoke, "it'd be so much better if I had a boyfriend. He'd get me a bucket of ice in a heartbeat."
"Wow. That's what you want a boyfriend for?" Jay pretended to be offended.
"At that time, yeah. Eva had rolled her eyes and said no boy would do that for me. She said nice guys didn't exist in the male species."
"Your friend sounds awesome." Jay chuckled.
"She was— is," I corrected myself, missing her terribly. The both of us stayed quiet for a long time after that, me drowning with all these emotions and Jay probably asleep.
"I'd get you a bucket of ice in a heartbeat. If you wanted," he said out of nowhere.
"I know." I smiled. In the darkness, Jay found my lips, kneading them with his own slowly, passionately.
"Keep remembering good times with her. You'll see, she'll get better," he whispered on my lips. I didn't say anything. I just wrapped my arms around him, closed my eyes, and listened to the silence speaking to me. Jay fell asleep next to me, or that's what I thought. He had been quiet for the longest time, breathing softly on my neck. I wish I could tell Eva how good I felt around Jay, that he made my heart warm, my insides melt. I wish I could tell Eva nice guys were real, that I finally found one, so she could too.
Oh, God, I wished she gets the chance to.
CHAPTER 11
Her condition worsened over the week.
Each day I went to her, there was always something new.
"Her immune system isn't responding as fast as it should."
"There's an infection in the lining of her gastric wall."
"Her white blood cells count isn't as high as it should be."
Each day, not even one syllable came out of m
y mouth before I broke down and ran out of the room. It was a miserable cycle that I just couldn't seem to break out of. It hurt too much to not to see her, but it killed me when I did.
That day, Jay found me lying on the bed of grass in his backyard. The sun was bright, a happy glow in the sky. How could it be so full when I felt all empty? I wished for lightning and thunder and hard rain. I wished to see the eye of the hurricane and feel its wrath so I could feel helpless. Like Eva. I didn't deserve the warm sun on my skin. Not when she was in a cold, cold room, unable to feel what I did.
"What did the doctor say?" Jay asked the same question he always did whenever he saw me back from the hospital. He lowered himself and sat down with his knees against his chest.
"She isn't getting better, Jay." I closed my eyes. Horrible images of her clung on the back of my eyelids.
"We can only hope."
"Can't you do anything?" I didn't care if I sounded whiny.
"I don't have that kind of power," he said, frowning. "I wish I did."
"You said, in time, she'd get better." I sat up, my hair falling over my shoulder. I had the sudden urge to pull it all out. "She's getting worse!"
"And so are you! "He raised his voice to match mine.
"What do you mean?" I turned away, but he grabbed my shoulder to make me look at him.
"Look at you, Vivian. You're not eating. You're not sleeping. You don't believe she's going to get better!"
"What are you trying to say?" I started crying. It's been easier to do that lately.
"You're scared. Secretly, you're only imagining the worst for Eva. You think I don't know what you're doing? I know exactly what you're doing."
"What?" I scoffed. "What am I doing?"
"You're digging a hole and burying yourself in it."
"That's not true!"
"That's exactly true. I get it. You're scared for her. We all are, but instead of having faith and staying strong for her, you just lie around and let your thoughts eat you alive." Jay closed his eyes to calm himself. When he opened them, I saw them full of emotions. "It's killing me to see you like this."
"I can't help myself," I cried. "I can't stop my horrible thoughts. I'm guilty. I feel horrible to continue on with my life when Eva is tied down to a fucking bed!"