What Doesn't Destroy Us

by M. N. Forgy

  “It’s a through and through; just some stitches is all,” she says, reaching into her bag. “Why did Bull shoot you guys anyway,” she asks, smartly.

  “Shadow fucked around with Firefly,” Bobby says sarcastically.

  “Oh!” She stops and looks at Bobby and me. “That’s kind of sweet, Bobby.” She says, examining his wound to start stitching.

  “Sweet?” I scoff.

  “Yeah? Yeah! Yeah, it was. I thought it was romantic. I knew they were perfect for each other so I put my life on the line for them. That’s just the kind of guy I am; a secret romantic.” Bobby says, clearly lying through his teeth. Fucking cheesy as hell; If Doc ate that up she was weaker than I thought.

  I grabbed a couple of shots to help with the pain while I waited. Hearing Bobby turn my messed up situation with Dani into a way to get into Doc’s pants was more than I could stand. The man was more sappy over Doc than I thought.

  After about twenty minutes it is my turn.

  “Yours is a through and through, too,” she says, eyeing me.

  “How’s Dani?” I ask, trying to take my mind off the pain. I am worried about her injuries and if that bastard did anything to her. A gun shot to his head was too gentle; I should have waited for Bull to give the word. I could have had a good time torturing him, something I have wanted to do since I was a kid.

  “Bruised ribs, possibly cracked, and maybe a slight concussion,” she says, darting a needle into my arm to numb it. Finally!

  I sigh in relief; the twisted, gut-wrenching pain is starting to subside.

  “She wasn’t raped, if that’s what you’re asking. She can’t remember much with the concussion, but I’m sure she will have some post traumatic distress. You may get more out of her with time, but she just needs rest really. I wouldn’t let her sleep for a while, but that may be harder said than done.”

  As Doc stitches up my arm, I contemplate what exactly I’m going to say to Dani. She’s going to have questions; more than I’m willing to answer. Not fully trusting her is going to be a problem, and who her daddy is makes for a bigger problem. If I don’t make her happy, all it takes is her crying to daddy before another shot is fired off in my direction. Bull ordering her to stay with me pisses me off. If this whole situation shows me anything, it’s that I just need to stay away from her before both of us are dead.

  Laying on the bed listening to my iPod, “Demons” by Imagine Dragons is roaring in my headphones when Shadow walks in holding his arm. Dry blood is swirled around his arm and his face is grimaced with pain and confusion. I yank the headphones off and try to sit up, but the overwhelming pain makes me lay back down.

  “What happened?” I ask, pointing at all the blood on his arm and the big bandage wrapped around it.

  “What happened? Let’s just say your dad didn’t take me being with you under his nose very well,” he says sarcastically, laying on the bed next to my feet. The fog starts to show face in the corners of my vision; I blink tightly trying to push it away.

  “Oh.” What can I say? He just took a bullet to be with me.

  He turns his head, still lying flat on his back, to look at me. “Oh?” he says mockingly, making my dazed state breed anger. His mother did this to me. He said I was safe, but how safe was I when that Ricky guy nearly fucked me with his tongue.

  “I mean- to be fair, I am like this because of your mother and–“ I pause not sure who Ricky is. Is he Shadow’s father? Shadow just glares at me, knowing my next question.

  “Are you fucking kidding me?” he barks at me while lifting from the bed. “I tried to warn you from the day you pounced on me like a dog in heat!”

  Really? He's turning this all on me, acting as if it is my fault this happened.

  “Excuse me?” I yell back, my ribs and head howl with savage pain. I gasp and continue my rant. “I didn’t see you putting up a big fight, asshole!” I wince, and hold my head. My whole body stiffens at the karate kicking in my skull.

  “You broke a law climbing on the back of that fucking bike with that dick weed, Dani, not me!” he says, his chest puffed out in anger.

  I look up through my lashes and see his face etched with worry. He is so confusing. I don’t remember much from the kidnapping, but I remember the tone and how caring Shadow was when I thought he was a dream. Now that I’m here and he knows I'm safe, he’s back to demanding Shadow again.

  Fury drowns my pain. How dare he act as if this is all my fault; does he have any idea what I just went through? Trying to remember everything is hard; I have lots of questions, I just can't remember all of them.

  “Who is Ricky?” I whisper, curious. That is one I do remember. I will never forget him; the way he made my skin crawl. I would need a shower of acid to be rid of him.

  Shadow sighs deeply, and throws his hands over his face.

  “Is he your dad”? If he was indeed his dad, then maybe Shadow was more messed up than I thought. He just killed him without so much as a blink of an eye.

  “No, he was not my father,” Shadow says flatly, clearly irritated I would even insinuate that.

  I bite my lip at his tone. When I was in that shit-hole of a room, all I could think about was Shadow. I realized that I love him and sadly that I don't even know who he is.

  “Maybe I wouldn’t get that idea if you would share with me, Adrian.” I say his name sharply, his head nearly snapping off at the sound.

  “How do you know my name?” he asks, astounded.

  “Your mother, if she is indeed your mother, kept calling you by that name,” I say sarcastically, the fog and blurry visions washing over my senses like an eager wave.

  Shadow sits up on the bed and runs his hands through his hair. His body is stiff; when he looks at me, his eyes are unreadable.

  His hesitation gives me the feeling he doesn’t trust me. I don’t know why, I haven’t done anything for him to question my loyalty.

  “This will never work if you don’t let me in,” I sputter, feeling hurt. The pain in my head and ribs don’t compare to the hurt he just inflicted on my soul.

  “You don’t trust me,” I say. The way his eyes glaze over confirms the accusation, sucking the breath from my lungs. He winces at the hurt dilating my eyes, his face softens.

  “I don’t trust easily. I want to trust you, I do, but then I don’t,” he says, looking down at the comforter. I can see he's uncomfortable with his trust issues. I can’t hate him for not trusting me; not when he wants to but he just doesn’t know how. It’s not that he can’t trust me, I just simply need to earn it. The ache in my chest lessens at the thought.

  “Then talk to me, Shadow, damn it”! I cry as the pain radiates through my head like fire.

  “Damn it, Dani, calm down. You're hurt.” Shadow climbs up the bed and envelopes my body into his. My nerves and mixed emotions, as high and thick as the evening tide, relax as my body molds to his. The smell of sweat and woodsy body wash lick my senses, making me feel at home in his strong arms.

  We lay that way for a while, just listening to each other breathe. Our heartbeats become one and our breathing syncs with one another. I hate that I'm so head-over-heels for Shadow when he may not feel the same.

  “My father joined the Army when I was a kid,” Shadow says quietly, his breath whisking into my hair as he speaks.

  “After a while, I guess my mom needed more than love letters and the occasional military leave from my father. Apparently, I wasn’t enough either. One day she left and didn’t come back for a few days. When she did, she was different; she wasn’t my mother. I never saw my mother again,“ Shadow sighs heavily. I can literally hear all the sorrow in that single sigh.

  “She used to have such bright, blue eyes, but after that first time she left me alone, they were dull and pathetic. Then she would be gone for weeks at a time; her thick body was slimming down to skeletal and her teeth were rotting.

  “When I did talk to my father, I never told him what was going on. My mother and I were his lifeline over there
. I think he knew, though; he kept asking for her and I always had to make up an excuse. She quit writing him back when his letters came.

  “Then she started showing up with Ricky. I could hear them fucking through the night.” I hear Shadow grind his teeth. “I hated that fucker, he used to call me 'Champ'. I just wanted to kill him.” Shadow spoke with such hurt and remorse, his body tense. I wanted to roll over and hold him, but I was afraid to move; afraid he would close up. So I laid there listening.

  “One day I got the news my dad had been gunned down in Iraq. My mother had been gone for a week. When she finally came home, she showed up with Ricky. I told her the news and she laughed; she didn’t even go to the funeral. She just took off with the money that was donated to us by 'Fallen Soldiers' and left me. Eventually the electricity, water, everything was turned off. I had no food, no father, and no mother. I was fourteen years old.” Shadow pauses, rubbing his hands over his face. I want to turn and see his expression, his eyes, but I don't have it in me to see the man I’m in love with hurt so much.

  “All I have of my father is his dog tags and the car we would work on together when he got leave,” Shadow says in a whisper, making my own eyes water. The car in the garage; he said it was all he had from his dad. I can see a little boy working on a car with his dad when I close my eyes, making the water that drenches my eyes spill over.

  “When I was younger I got thrown in “Juvie”. That’s where I met Bobby. He was in there for stealing a car. We ended up getting the same release date, and I went home with him. His parents invited me in with open arms; they never judged Bobby and I. They provided food and a roof over my head without asking anything in return. They both died in a car crash our last year of high school,” Shadow sighs. “Bobby and I dropped out and found the club.”

  I thought my life was messed up, but I had nothing on Shadow. His past clearly has done some damage. Is this what he has been so scared to tell me? Or is he just telling me this to get me off his back? I roll over and look into Shadow’s eyes, digging down into his soul. He tenses under my stare, aware of the unspoken connection our souls share, and breaks eye contact with me.

  There is more; more he wants to tell me but can’t. I can sense it.

  “You don’t have to tell me anymore tonight. I get that you just shared a fuck load,” I say, reassuring him that I am happy he shared with me. I am greedy and want more, but I won’t push for anymore tonight.

  My body protests its cruel and unusual punishment. I need rest, but not yet. I want to bask in this moment of feeling safe and somewhat trusted.

  “Ever since I can remember, my mother worked. Whether it was waitressing or dancing, which I recently learned was actually stripping, she worked. She didn't show up to my school plays or talent shows. She always had an excuse; she was always working.

  “She would find the worst sitters when I was young. One sitter she hired would lock me in my room with a chair against the door. The only times she would let me out was for food and right before she knew my mother was coming home. I tried to tell my mother but she never believed me.

  “As I got older, her distance from me got worse, but when she met Stevin, the distance became hostile. When she was home, we fought badly. I didn't do anything right in her eyes, and she would always say I was abnormal and needed help.” My head throbs with the effort to remember, causing me to pause.

  “My mother was very precise about my future. I was just as trapped in my life with her as I was in that locked room,” I share with Shadow, trying to give him a glimpse at why I was a naive little girl when I showed up. A Tit-for-Tat, if you will.

  “Why didn't you just move out?” Shadow asks, as if it was so easy.

  “I tried, she forbid it. She took all the money out of my bank account and threatened the girl I was going to move in with. I was stuck with the bitch,” I explain. My mother didn’t want me, but didn’t want anyone else to have me either. That's why it doesn't make sense that she left me here so easily.

  “Enough sharing for tonight, we have a busy day tomorrow. Seems you're moving in with me,” Shadow says, getting comfy behind me. My eyes snap open wide, nearly popping a blood vessel.

  -------------------------------------

  I can’t breathe; the air is thick and demanding as it fills my lungs. Everything is dark. My eyes dart around trying to find light, but it’s pitch black. I’m lying on my side and have no idea where I am. I try and move my hands to get up but when I pull my hands my feet tug; I’m hog tied. No, not again! I’ve been taken against my will. I feel my heart race; panic cascades down my spine. My lips tremble with fear as I try and listen to the surrounding noise, the thumping from my heart making it hard. It sounds like a car engine. Suddenly my body is thrown up and then slammed back down and red lights illuminate the area. I’m in a trunk. How did I get here? I don’t remember being thrown into a trunk. I hear car doors open and shut and then whistling as footsteps make their way to the back of the car. The trunk pops open. The sun is shining so brightly behind two people I can’t make out who they are, just silhouettes.

  “Oh, yeah, she will sell well!” one of them says.

  A dark, tanned hand reaches in and rubs my cheek; it's soft and silky and smells of cigars. I shake my head violently back and forth.

  “No. No. Please, no!” I cry, trying to pry my hands from the bindings, only to have it cut deeper into my skin.

  “I wanted to sample her out for you, but wanted your permission first, Poppy,” a familiar voice says, rough and husky. The silhouette leans in and I realize it's Ricky, his tongue darting out of his mouth to lick his cracked, dry lips. I thought he was dead; what’s he doing here?

  “Yes, by all means go for it,” Poppy says. I still can’t see his face from the blinding light.

  “I knew you wanted that slut!” a female voice sobs. The voice is familiar, but I can’t put a face to it.

  Both guys throw their hands up in surrender and step back from the trunk. Why are they doing that? I can’t see from laying in the trunk, so I try to lift my head and see over the rim. A small silhouette appears in my line of view, but all I can focus on is the gun pointing at me.

  “Die!” the voice yells. It's Cassie!

  “Noooo!” I scream.

  “Dani! Dani, wake the fuck up!” I hear Shadow yelling at me, his hands shaking me by my shoulders.

  I open my eyes, running from the dreadful terror behind closed lids. I’m soaked with sweat and my breathing is so spastic I feel I may stroke out at any moment. It was just a bad dream... just a dream, I chant silently to myself.

  “Calm down and breathe,” Shadow coaxes me as he rubs my back to help soothe me.

  “Damn, that must have been a hell of a dream,” Shadow whispers, his voice sexy and rough from sleep.

  We lay there in the dark room in silence. I’m too afraid to go back to sleep. I can’t sleep. I need a shower. I need Ricky’s mouth off of me.

  I throw my legs over the bed only to jerk them back up again. What if he’s under the bed? No, Shadow killed Ricky; he can’t hurt me anymore, right? I put my legs back over the edge of the bed, hesitant. What about Cassie though? My mind haunts me, making me pull my legs back up onto the bed.

  “Where are you going?” Shadows asks, his voice full of sleep.

  “I have to get a shower. I need to,” I say, sobbing. I feel so weak, so vulnerable.

  “I’ll help you,” Shadow says, rising from the bed.

  “No, I got it. I can do it myself,” I respond, more spiteful than intended. I can’t help but feel a little hurt that he doesn’t trust me, even after all the shit his blood put me through.

  “No, you can’t do it by yourself. I’m helping, end of discussion!” His tone is harsh and demanding. I risk looking at Shadow, our gazes holding a new energy than when we fell asleep. The air seems angrier and more hostile than before. But why?

  I lift off the bed and feel like I weigh a thousand pounds. My belly is yelling in hunger and my mouth
is parched, but all I can think of is cleaning myself off with an iron sponge.

  I hunch over and start making my way toward the bathroom. Once there, I look into the mirror as Shadow turns the shower on. I can’t contain the ungodly gasp that escapes from my mouth when I look at my reflection. I have dried, caked blood on my forehead; a split lip that is all purple and black with more dried blood; my throat has a ring of purple around it; and I haven’t even looked under my clothes yet.

  Shadow grasps the hem of my shirt and pulls it over my head. He unhooks my bra letting the cups dangle from my chest; I slide the straps down my arms and let it fall to the floor. He unwraps my bruised ribs that Dr. Jessica wrapped tightly to help with the pain. Shadow turns me and fiercely sucks in a breath at the sight of my ribs. My sides are the darkest hue of purple I have ever seen; borderline black. Just trying to bend my head to look at them makes me cringe with pain; they look terrible.

  Shadow grabs me by the hips gently, rubbing his thumbs across the tainted skin. “Fuck, Dani,” he whispers, his voice dripping with sympathy and concern.

  “It actually looks worse than it is,” I admit.

  Shadow looks at me with hooded eyes. His arctic blue digging deep into my emerald green and tugging on my soul. My panties instantly wet at the sight of him mourning my injuries.

  “I know that look and the answer is simple; no.” The worry and concern are gone from his voice, replaced with cold restraint. His whiplash behavior has me confused as hell all over again.

  I walk up to him and trail my nails down his clean cut abs, feeling his skin explode with goosebumps under my touch. My touch affects him.

  “We can be gentle,” I sigh, trailing my hand to the waist of his jeans. Shadow growls deeply.

  He grabs my wrist, stopping my touch and the vixen spell. He clamps his eyes shut for a moment before staring again, guns blazing.

  “The feelings I had when you were gone, they were deep. I lost control. Someone took something of mine and they hurt what was mine. I’m way past pissed that you got on the back of another brother's bike; a brother that didn’t protect you. You should have never been on the back of his bike, especially without permission.” Shadow throws my hand back at me. I gasp with shock; how was I supposed to know getting on the back of that bike was breaking a so-called law? I open my mouth to yell at him, but am stopped short when he leans in and nips my earlobe painfully. It borders on pleasurable. Flashes of him spanking me and pulling my hair fly through my closed eyes, reminding me that the dark is not such a bad place when thoughts of Shadow consume it.