What Doesn't Destroy Us

by M. N. Forgy

  Shadow looks at me and cocks his brow, daring me to ask him.

  “Goddamn, my arm hurts,” Bobby’s voice interrupts as he enters the front door. Not aware of the war developing in the kitchen, he walks toward us with a smile.

  “Oh, hey. Welcome to our humble abode,” Bobby show tunes, sweeping his arm around like a game show host.

  Wait, does he live here, too? Bobby and Shadow are roommates? Maybe that’s how Shadow can afford such a beautiful apartment; they split rent.

  Bobby looks down at the trash can that both Shadow and I are staring at. “Oh, sorry about that; been meaning to take out the trash. It’s going to be different having you live with us, Firefly.” Bobby pushes the trash down to hide the used condom.

  “Yeah, looks like I’m not the only one with trust issues.” Shadow shakes his head and walks down the hall.

  “Shit!” I mumble under my breath.

  “You, ah, you guys okay?” Bobby asks, leaning up against the island.

  I shrug and walk to the balcony; I can use some air. Truth is, Shadow and I are far from okay. I can feel him getting farther and farther away from me and it’s killing me from the inside out, starting with my heart. As soon as I open the double doors, the salt air hits my nostrils like a freight train. The building is so tall, you can see the ocean. On the deck sits two sun loungers; I can easily curl up with a good book and get my tan on. If Shadow keeps acting the way he is, I will be out here a lot, I’m sure of it.

  “Yeah, the bitches love the scene,” Bobby says, walking up behind me.

  “The bitches?” I ask, laughing.

  Bobby nods with a boyish grin.

  “I can see you two are having problems,” Bobby declares as he takes a swig from his beer.

  I ignore the accusation and stare out at the ocean.

  “He’s different, Firefly. I don't know what is going on between you two, but know this: I have never seen him the way he is with you, especially when his fucking mom took you. He fucking lost his shit.“ He looks at me with focused eyes. “That has to count for something, right? Don’t let him push you away.” He drinks the last sip from his beer before turning toward the doors. “Even if his ass doesn’t deserve you.”

  His words sink deep, confirming my belief of why Shadow is acting the way he is. I make him feel hopeless and weak; hell, I make him feel, period. Now to make sure he never hurts like that again or loses control. Can I take the push and push back, am I strong enough?

  Shadow ignores me for the rest of the day. He plays video games with Bobby, asking me to get him a beer or make him a sandwich here and there. To pass the time, I wash the dishes, take out the trash and pick up the dirty clothes. The balcony doors have been open to let the place air out. It looks great, but my ribs are hurting to the max. I sit down on one of the sun loungers, exhausted from all the hard work. My ribs are pushing my pain level past bearable and my head starts to throb. I am in need of a break.

  “Dani!” Shadow yells, laughing at Bobby about something. “Get me another beer!” He's still playing that fucking video game. I bite my bottom lip and don’t budge; who does he think he is.

  “Dani!” Shadow yells again. His voice grates on my nerves, my anger begins to seethe through my pores.

  “Dude, go get it yourself. What the fuck?” Bobby sneers, his voice lowered in an attempted whisper so I won't hear.

  “Dani!” Shadow yells again, ignoring Bobby.

  “Goddamn it,” he curses and stomps all the way to the balcony doors; his eyes like daggers at the back of my head.

  “Did you hear me yelling for your ass to get me a beer?” Shadow asks, pissed off I didn’t jump at his beck and call.

  I turn my head and glare at him. I don’t mind getting him a beer, but he could, at least, ask nicely. If he is trying to push me away, treating me like this is a great way to do it.

  “Go get it your damn self,” I snap back, returning my gaze to the ocean view. It is beautiful with hues of purple and pink as the sun goes down.

  Shadow grabs my chin and yanks my vision from the ocean.

  Staring into his icy, blue eyes, his soul renders me speechless. It shows anger, lust, confusion and darkness. He is angry and I don’t know why. I have given him everything I possibly can, including my heart, and he still is not happy. I’m exhausted in so many ways; my heart is literally shattering.

  Shadow turns and walks away, leaving me on the sun lounger to watch the sunset by myself. I feel my heart crash and burn. My chest feels like it is on fire and I gasp for air. I hate the effect he is having on me. I have to be stronger than this and push back if I want to keep him. Prove to him I'm not going anywhere. Can’t he see that he makes me feel, too; that he takes the control I need away, as well?

  At midnight I can’t keep my eyes open anymore. “Hey, I’m going to bed, you coming?” I ask Shadow, who is still playing video games. He doesn’t even acknowledge me; just keeps his eyes on the screen. That’s all he’s done all day, even through dinner.

  When I open the door to Shadow's bedroom, it is very masculine. The bed has black sheets with a black, gray and white comforter and is covered in fluffy pillows. I came in here earlier to grab dirty clothes and beer bottles, but I didn’t stop long enough to really appreciate the room. There is a huge floor-to-ceiling window that looks out over the city and there are black sheer curtains on each side. The dresser is black with a huge mirror. The room is sin in its own right. How can Shadow afford all this?

  I go to the closet and pull down one of Shadow's white MC shirts; my black one got ruined by Candy. As I grab it off the hanger, a whoosh of air assaults my senses. It smells of Shadow. God, I miss him.

  ‘You don’t think just because you’re sweet and innocent that he cares about you, that you can tame him, do you? As soon as he’s done with you, he’ll come running back to me.’

  Candy’s words fly at me like a bullet. I remember Shadow hiding in the closet as she verbally accosted me. The thought she might have been right makes my mouth go dry.

  No, things are different between me and Shadow; I know it.

  I put the shirt on and climb into the huge sleigh bed. It feels cold and lonely laying in it by myself.

  The door across the hall slams, knocking me from my self-pity. Little school girl giggles and deep smooth laughter from Bobby muffle from the room next to me.

  Then it goes quiet. Hmm, odd.

  “Oh, Bobby, don’t stop!” a girl moans loudly. This cannot be happening.

  I can hear her moaning incoherent things, and Bobby rutting like a beast. This is more awkward than I ever thought imaginable. Where is Shadow? I climb out of bed and pad my bare feet to the living room. Shadow is asleep on the couch with a blanket and pillow. I sigh loudly; looks like I will be sleeping alone tonight. I pad my way back to the bedroom; rejection and loneliness weighing on my heart.

  I climb back into the bed; the moans from the other room becoming louder. I can feel their bed slamming against the wall. I can’t handle this anymore; I have more built up sexual tension than anyone right now. I climb off the bed and grab my iPod, maybe music will drown them out. I climb back in bed, place the headphones on my ears and fire it up. The first song that plays is “Is This Love” by Whitesnake; the song Shadow and I listened to the second time we made love.

  I yank the headphones from my ears and throw the iPod to the end of the bed. As soon as the headphones leave my ears, Bobby and 'Moaning Chick' fill them with animalistic sex noises.

  “Are you kidding me?” I yell, flopping onto my stomach and covering my head with as many pillows as my flailing hands can grab.

  -------------------------------------

  I wake up to the sound of giggles from the next room. My head is still buried deep under a mound of pillows. I have no idea what time I finally fell asleep last night; Bobby and “Miss Moans-A-Lot” had me up all night. Every moan and growl coming from the next room made me think about climbing on Shadow and humping him into tomorrow.


  I roll over on my back and look up at the ceiling. I don’t feel like getting up, or showering, or eating. I just want to lay here and stare at the ceiling. So I do; thoughtless and emotionless for at least a few hours.

  My stomach yells and screams at me to get out of bed. Giving in, I climb out of bed and throw my hair up in a messy bun. I walk out of the room in just the big MC shirt and panties; maybe showing a little skin will bring Shadow around.

  I walk into the living room and Shadow is sitting on a stool at the island. He looks sexy as hell in just a pair of gray sweatpants. He looks up from his bowl of cereal and his eyes go wide at my appearance.

  I round the island to pour myself a bowl and spot Bobby whispering sweet nothings into a blond's ear. She throws her head back and laughs; her voice is familiar. She looks up at me and my breath is stolen from my lungs.

  “Doc?” I think out loud.

  “Oh, good morning, Dani. How are you feeling?” she asks, jumping straight into professional mode. I nod my head avoiding eye contact; a little embarrassed I heard her climax twice last night.

  “Can you take me to the book store? I would like to buy a few books,” I ask Shadow, who is still looking at me like he wants to eat me.

  He gains composure and goes back to his cereal.

  “How long are we going to do this?” I ask him, pissed with the childish games he is playing. “I don’t think this has anything to do with me getting on the back of someone's bike; something I didn’t even know was a law. So, what is it?” I nearly yell, ready to drown his ass in his cereal bowl.

  “Don’t push me, Dani,” Shadow says, grimly.

  “Fuck you!” I yell, grabbing my cereal bowl and stomping back to the room. Fuck him. Fuck him and his arrogant ways. Fuck me for falling in love with him, even when I was warned.

  I eat my cereal then lay down looking out the window; people who live normal lives walking the streets. Families, laughing and smiling, walk together. I hate them all.

  I wake up with my head pounding from all the sleep. Sitting up in bed, I see a black box with a red bow attached to it at the end of the bed. I grab the box and open it up.

  “What the...”? I ask myself out loud.

  It’s a Kindle Fire. What the hell was he getting at? Treat me like shit, then reward me with gifts? I love it, but he isn't going to know that.

  I look at the clock and see it's 6:30pm. All I have had is cereal and I'm starving for some actual comfort food. I toss the Kindle on the end of the bed and go in search of food, still in just a t-shirt and panties.

  Shadow is watching a movie instead of playing video games. I glare at him and walk into the kitchen.

  I grab some angel hair pasta and pull some meat from the fridge. I look in the cabinets and find some pasta sauce; spaghetti it is.

  After about an hour of cooking and burning myself with boiling pasta sauce, dinner is done. I have watched enough cooking shows, being locked down in my house in New York, to pick up some tips and I have to say my sauce is tasting pretty yummy tonight. I start throwing some spaghetti in a bowl when Shadow enters the kitchen.

  “Hmm,” he says, dipping his finger in the sauce.

  He opens the freezer and pulls out a tub of chocolate ice cream, grabs a spoon from the drainer and flips the lid with his thumb onto the floor.

  “Yeah, I think I’ll just eat this,” he says, snidely. My eyes bug out and my mouth drops open in disbelief, did he just dis' my cooking?

  My face turns into a scowl as my blood begins to boil hotter than my pasta sauce.

  “Damn this shit is thick. Dani, grab me a beer,” Shadow demands as he spoons another scoop of ice cream.

  I bite my cheek and nod my head. I'm so pissed I can’t even see straight. I open the fridge and grab a beer bottle by the neck. “You want a beer, huh?” I say coyly. “Here, have a fucking beer!” I throw the beer bottle at him. Shadow ducks just as the bottle collides with the wall and shatters into a million pieces.

  “What the fuck?” Shadow hollers, looking at the wall of glass and beer. “I’ll eat the fucking spaghetti.”

  “Oh here, let me get that for you, too.” I grab the bowl of hot spaghetti and throw it at him as well, spilling some on the counter. He ducks again, just in time, as the bowl and noodles join the beer and glass on the wall.

  “You fucking crazy bitch!” Shadow yells as he drops the ice cream and makes his way toward me.

  “Fuck you, I’m not someone you can just walk all over,” I yell back at him, angry that he is right. I am acting crazy, but he did this to me; he made me crazy.

  Our eyes of blazing blue and venomous green meet; souls of abuse and torment meeting in a ring of fire. Shadow grabs the nape of my neck harshly, pulling me closer. I bring my hand back and slap him across the face, his tongue snakes out and licks his bottom lip.

  Our eyes locking once more, anger floods our judgment. He grabs me by the hair and pulls my head back. His body is screaming alpha and his temper flares like a beast.

  Without warning our mouths crash together in need. Shadow grabs me by the thighs and slams me on top of the counter. Spaghetti and sauce go flying all over us and the counter. Shadow nips my bottom lip as his hands dive into my hair. Pulling my head to the side, he licks and nibbles some sauce from my neck.

  “God, I fucking love your temper,” he whispers against my skin. He thrusts his hips into my hypersensitive folds causing me to grind against him for friction. He slides his hands up my shirt and grabs my breast greedily. I grab at his bare back to pull him closer. My body is begging for more as he kisses me. Our lips those of anger and passion. He tastes of chocolate and sin; together becoming an addiction on its own. He bites my bottom lip harshly, causing me to moan. My pain becoming my pleasure. I lock my legs around his waist and return the bite on toned pecks. He moans and grabs my head back to look into his stormy eyes.

  “Is everything okay?” Doc asks, coming in the front door as it opens.

  “What the fuck happened to the wall?” Bobby asks, walking in behind her.

  My eyes snap to Shadow's; his face of lust and anger replaced with something unreadable. He pulls away leaving me cold and confused. I slide off the counter of spaghetti and see Doc and Bobby confused and staring. Shadow grabs his cut off the chair and walks out, slamming the door behind him.

  I woke up yesterday pissed at myself; pissed I have let myself become so weak, pissed that I've allowed Dani to have this kind of control over me, pissed at myself for loving her. I'm also pissed I almost let her get killed because I didn’t take that junkie of a mother seriously.

  I lost control when she was taken; lost control with the thought of her on Charlie's bike. She is right, I am trying to push her away. I am trying to protect her from the beast that I am. But, I can’t let her go, my body is addicted to her. I live and breathe Dani. When I think about her not being with me, I feel hopeless. She has shown me a light; she is the heaven to my hell.

  “Firefly is asleep,” Bobby says, as I sit down next to him on the couch. I needed to get out of here earlier. Dani in the kitchen cooking in that shirt was torture, but when she defied me and went fucking crazy, I couldn’t hold back anymore, I had to have her. When I realized what I was doing, it became clear to me that I couldn’t push Dani away even if I wanted to. She is mine, and I am hers.

  “Go ahead, baby, I’ll catch up,” Bobby says to Doc, dismissing her. “What the fuck, man? Talk to me,” he demands of me when she's gone.

  “There’s nothing to talk about, leave it.” I get up and make my way to the kitchen for a beer. The spaghetti mess is still present. I look at the counter and see a clean spot from Dani’s cute little ass.

  “I took a fucking bullet for you to be with that girl and now you are pushing her away. Why?” Bobby yells at me, that boy has balls talking to me like that.

  “She fucks with my head. That day she was taken, my whole world fucking shifted, Bobby, and I lost control,” I fess up.

  “Love has a funny way of fu
cking with you. I get it; you think pushing Firefly away will keep you from feeling that helpless again,” Bobby says, getting up and walking over to the island.

  “Yeah, and I don’t trust that she won’t leave when she finds out what I really do; how I stay alive.” I take a swig of my bottle, regret of the fucked up numbness I call my life and the way I cope with it, swallowing me into a black abyss. If Dani is anything like her mother, she will run far away from me. Pushing her away now is better than after I completely give myself to her, or so I think.

  “She’s Heaven and I’m Hell. When we’re together angels cry and Hell freezes over.” I look at Bobby, “It’s no shocker we are from different worlds.”

  “Nah, I don’t see her running, Shadow.” He takes a drink from his beer. “You push her away, she will find someone else, and when you see that, it will be the worst kind of hell. Trust me, I have lived it,” Bobby looks down, his voice full of shame.

  “Fuck you.” I yell at Bobby. Just the thought of Dani with someone else makes me angry.

  Bobby laughs, “Yeah, Firefly has you by the balls.”

  “I’m about to cut yours off, you keep talking shit!” I walk right in front of Bobby, testing him to say something else.

  “I’m trying to help, man. Calm down.” Bobby throws his hands up in surrender.

  “I fucked this up too much anyway, she won’t ever forgive me.” I say to Bobby, finishing off my beer. The thought of Dani showing off some new guy to Bull, has me nearly crushing the beer bottle in my hand. How could I think pushing her away would make me feel better? Pushing her away was a weak move.

  “Looking at you two on that counter earlier, I think different.” Bobby cocks his brow and lifts his chin toward the kitchen.

  “So take her away; shower her in love. Earn each other's trust; find out what each other likes and hates,” Doc says, stepping into the room, clearly eavesdropping.