The Song of the Quarkbeast tld-2

by Jasper Fforde

  ‘Well,’ said the the Magnificent Boo in a chirpy voice, ‘I think that turned out quite favourably, don’t you?’

  ‘Yes,’ I said, ‘yes, I think it did.’

  ‘Why do you think the Mighty Shandar wanted my fingers?’

  ‘I don’t know,’ I replied. ‘To push destiny? For more power? Maybe Shandar’s getting rid of those who might challenge him when he returns. Perhaps we’ve yet to find out. Magic works in mysterious ways.’

  ‘It certainly does.’

  She turned to pick up her gloves and made to walk away.

  ‘Will you be coming back?’ I asked.

  ‘I have Quarkbeasts to feed. And they like their walkies.’

  She gave me a smile.

  ‘Keep well, Miss Jennifer Strange.’

  ‘I will,’ I said, ‘thank you.’

  She nodded, and walked away.

  The formerly stone Kazam staff were stretching themselves after their brief incarceration. A thousand years or eight seconds feels the same when in stone, so I think they were very glad to see Tiger and myself unchanged – and Blix in granite, of course.

  ‘That was very, very brave, Samantha,’ I heard Moobin say once Tiger had explained what had happened.

  ‘Thank you,’ she said, ‘but can I just point out that you don’t pronounce the “A” . . .’

  ‘You!’ said Lady Mawgon, whose capacity to harangue did not seem to have been diminished by her imprisonment. ‘I am hungry. Instruct Cook to make me a cheese sandwich and a cup of tea. I shall be in my room. Don’t forget to knock, and if the sandwich is unsatisfactory I will send it back.’

  And she glided off out of the Palm Court.

  ‘Back to normal, eh?’ said Tiger.

  ‘Back to normal.’

  There was a lot of explaining to do to everyone, and word soon came through from Lord Tenbury that the general magic amnesty had been signed by the King. The day’s spelling would not require any paperwork at all, for which I was very glad. Everyone in the building of any power, whether licensed or not, took advantage of this and contributed to finishing the bridge – it was completed in twenty-three minutes and was open for traffic by teatime. Now that we knew the passthought, we could use the stored crackle to carry out much-needed repairs to Zambini Towers. By the time the Dibble Storage Coils were once again empty, the old building shone like a new pin under a fresh coat of paint, revarnished wood and polished brass. The Palm Court was once more full of lush tropical vegetation and the central fountain, dry for over six decades, gurgled into life. We even restocked the wine cellar and reinstated the elevators, but kept the service lift empty and free-fall-enabled, just for fun.

  Over an extended afternoon tea I had to repeat the story of the trip up to Trollvania about six times as news of Zambini was sparse, and everyone wanted to know how he was.

  At five I was in a press conference, and after that I fielded a few work calls from new clients who had seen what we had done that afternoon. If things got busier, we were going to need to license more sorcerers.

  ‘A busy day,’ said Perkins, who dropped into the office when things were finally beginning to calm down.

  I smiled.

  ‘Very busy.’

  ‘Too busy for that date at the Dungeon Rooms?’

  I didn’t hesitate.

  ‘Not at all – I’d like that very much.’

  ‘Lobby at seven, then – and without Tiger.’

  ‘No Tiger,’ I said, ‘promise.’

  So I went and had a bath and changed into my second-best dress – I didn’t wear my very best as I wanted to keep that in reserve.

  I wasn’t waiting in the lobby for long. Perkins arrived dressed in a suit, and dotted around the lobby were most of the residents, all eager to see us walk out together.

  ‘You’re looking very lovely,’ he said.

  ‘Thank you.’

  He held the door open.

  ‘Wait!’

  It was Tiger, running from the direction of the office and holding a sheet of paper.

  ‘I’m off duty,’ I told him, ‘for the first time in four years.’

  ‘But—’

  ‘No buts. Off duty.’

  I smiled at Perkins as he took my arm and escorted me outside to where my Volkswagen was waiting, the Quarkbeast already sitting on the rear seat with a red ribbon tied around its neck in a vain attempt to make it look less fearsome. Perkins opened the driver’s door for me, and I paused for a moment.

  ‘Perky, would you excuse me just a moment?’

  ‘Sure.’

  I dashed back in and found Tiger walking to the office. A date with Perkins would be fun, but Mystical Arts Management was in my blood, and I needed to know what was going on.

  ‘What’s up, Tiger?’

  ‘The Tralfamosaur escaped,’ he said, greatly relieved. ‘It’s loose somewhere between here and Ross.’

  ‘Anyone eaten?’

  ‘Two railway workers and a fisherman.’

  I clapped my hands together.

  ‘Okay, we’re going to need Lady Mawgon, Full Price and the Magnificent Boo. Have everyone outside in ten minutes ready for the off, and fetch emergency pack Alpha with several sarcastic light globes and a ball of enchanted string. I’m going to go and change.’

  I found Perkins waiting for me as I ran towards the elevators.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ I said, ‘it’s the Tralfamosaur. Do you mind if I . . . ?’

  He smiled.

  ‘Go. But we’ll do this again, yes?’

  ‘We’ve lots of time,’ I replied with a smile, ‘a lifetime of times, I hope.’

  The end of the story

  No need to panic. We caught the Tralfamosaur – eventually.

  Lord Tenbury was as good as his word, and all charges against the sorcerers were dropped. None of those in the daisy-chain faced as much as an interview. The King had learned his lesson by now and for the most part left us well alone – we didn’t really cross swords again until the Spoilt Royal Princess Episode, and the 5th Troll War, of course.

  The bridge at Hereford stands there still, and looking at it you would never know that it had ever fallen down and been rebuilt, a testament to the potential of Wizidrical Civil Engineering Projects.

  The Magnificent Boo never came to live at Zambini Towers, but we saw much of her in the years that followed, and she continued her research into the Quarkbeast with extraordinary results. Tchango Muttney and Dame Corby became full members of Kazam and were elevated to ‘Amazing’ status the following March, the same time as Lady Mawgon became ‘Astonishing’ and Moobin ‘Remarkable’. iMagic was disbanded, and although we did eventually bring the mobile phone network back online, it had to wait until after we had finished reactivating medical scanners, radar and microwave ovens.

  Prince Nasil and Owen of Rhayder were grounded for a number of months until we managed to source some angel’s feathers to rebuild their rugs – something that became a small adventure in itself. Mother Zenobia was returned from stone just in time for her to go back to stone for her ‘afternoon nap’. We still see much of her, and value her wise counsel.

  Perkins is still learning as he works, and as far as I can see, learning well. For her stalwart yet rash bravery during the final Blix showdown, Smantha Flynt was granted a full cadetship at Kazam, ‘no matter how long it took’. She has still to get her magic licence, despite the Useless Brother’s insistence that she should have a licence anyway, ‘for being so utterly captivating’. She has turned him down for marriage sixty-seven times, proving perhaps that she is not quite as stupid as we think.

  Tiger is still learning about running the company, and if Zambini does not appear by the time I am eighteen, will take over from me then. He will be good at it, and likely better than I.

  As for the once All Powerful Conrad Blix, we donated him to the Hereford Museum, where he can still be seen to this day. His perfidious exploits are outlined for all to read, and his unseeing granite form is insulted and
derided by the many schoolchildren who pass him every day. His attempt to murder half the residents of Hereford and seize the throne is often talked about, and his lack of compassion, rampant greed and murderous intent are often compared to those of his mad evil genius grandfather, Blix the Hideously Barbarous.

  It’s what he would have wanted.

  Jennifer Strange will be back in:

  The Return of Shandar

  About the author

  Jasper Fforde is the critically acclaimed author of The Last Dragonslayer, Shades of Grey, the Nursery Crime books: The Big Over Easy and The Fourth Bear, and the Thursday Next novels: The Eyre Affair, Lost in a Good Book, The Well of Lost Plots, Something Rotten, First Among Sequels and One of Our Thursdays is Missing.

  After giving up a varied career in the film world, he now lives and writes in Wales, and has a passion for aviation.

  You can visit www.jasperfforde.com to find out more.

  Last year we ran a Draw a Dragon competition to celebrate the creation of the Last Dragonslayer series. There were lots of wonderful entries for Jasper Fforde to choose from, but the winner is . . .

  George Riley from the Central Foundation Boys’ School

  Jasper says:

  ‘This was a very tricky decision for us as the quality was very high indeed, but after much consideration we decided that George Riley’s was the winning entry. We felt that not only was it a very striking image that had been undertaken with much skill and thought, but also captured the spirit of Jennifer’s world, with cars and cooling towers. We also liked the dragon with a long, sinuous neck for peering inquisitively at stuff, and quite naturally, a long tail to balance it. It’s a lovely picture – thank you!’

  The winning picture is displayed on the next page.

  George Riley Central Foundation Boys’ School

  Explore the world of Jasper Fforde’s The Last Dragonslayer

  Now available as an App for Apple iPhone and iPad

  Discover more about the Ununited Kingdoms, from the grim wastes of Trollvania to the Corporate Kingdom of Financia.

  Become a true Dragonslayer’s apprentice by reading The Dragonslayer’s Manual, updated regularly by RSS feed.

  Learn about Quarkbeasts and Shridloos, and the other fantastics beasts that live in the Kingdoms – and of course, the Dragons who once terrorised the land.

  You can also read the full text as an Ebook and listen to the synchronised unabridged audiobook.

  Find it online at the iTimes App store.

  Enhanced Editions

  To find out more about The Song of the Quarkbeast

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  Примечания

  1

  It’s a sort of rekindling of magic that happened two months before the time of this story, and in which Jennifer played a large part.

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  2

  After a well-argued plea for gender equality at the World Magic Expo of 1962, ‘sorcerers’ refers to male or female practitioners. The feminine ‘sorceress’ is no longer used, except by some of the old duffers who think that a female sorcerer’s place is in the home, conjuring up food and cleaning the house by thought power alone.

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  3

  The so-called ‘Book of Magic’, which, while full of useful stuff, also has a lot in it that is nonsense. The skill is deciding which is which.

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  4

  One thousand Shandars = one MegaShandar, more usu-ally referred to as a ‘Meg’ after ‘Old Meg McMeddoes’, an early proponent of Magical Field Theory.

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  5

  No one knows why. The ‘Rule of Three’ crops up often and is often referred to as ‘Mandrake’s 3rd Dictum’ after the sorcerer who first wrote about it.

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  6

  Snamoo is the Snodd Seaworld’s performing walrus. He can play Eine Kleine Nachtmusik on a xylophone, among other tricks. He only liked being moved by the Prices, and it’s tricky to argue with 1.4 tons of recalcitrant sea-mammal.

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  7

  She was referring to Jennifer’s connection with Dragons. Of the only two Dragons on the planet, she knew them both well enough for them to return her calls. Dragons usually don’t.

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  8

  The moolah is the unit of currency in the Kingdom of Snodd. One hundred Herefordian washers = 1 moolah, which is roughly equivalent to the spondoolip, at 2007 exchange rates.

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  9

  The technical term is a Canis mnemonicus, or ‘mnemonic hound’. The ability of dogs to find things has a long tradition, and was exploited quite early on by sorcerers.

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  10

  The correct term for this is ‘sarcoluminescence’ and it efficiently converts emotion to power, one of the central pillars of magic. It is one of the first spells to be taught to trainees.

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  11

  Conch: the shell of a sea snail that lends itself well to medium-range communication. Giant clams have been used (and still are) for transcontinental message transmission. Toddlers’ shoes have a range of about sixty yards, but are a lot lighter to carry than conches, and not as delicate.

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  12

  Since carpets cover the whole floor and rugs only a part of it, a ‘flying carpet’ is misnamed. Translated from the Persian – from where all flying rugs originate – as a ‘flying carpet’ in the seventeenth century, the term has become so entrenched that common usage has them now as carpets. A carpeteer is correctly called a Rugeteer, or, if you’re French, a Tapisigator.

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  13

  The first slogan they used was: ‘Boss-eyed? You need Vision Boss!’ but it was not well received, and hastily withdrawn.

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  14

  Sister Yolanda’s strike rate was the best ever at an astonishing 92 per cent. But then she only made two hundred and twenty-five in her sixty-seven years, which may explain it. Most precogs spew them out by the dozen, daily.

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  15

  Constuff is a contraction of ‘Consolidated Useful Stuff PLC’, the Ununited Kingdom’s leading purveyor of cheap and shoddy goods. They are so large they actually own a country – Constuffia – which is full of factories where poorly paid labourers toil ceaselessly in order to make the unUK the leading exporter of cheap and shoddy goods. A recent initiative to throw the goods straight into landfill and avoid costly transportation costs has been enthusiastically embraced.

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  16

  Despite being of royal stock, the prince insisted he be treated as a civilian. We liked him a lot for it.

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  17

  A Mandrake Sentience Emulation Protocol is a clever piece of spelling that gives the appearance of life without something actually being alive – ghoulies and ghosties and long-legged beasties all use Mandrake, and if woven well, they are very lifelike.

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  18

  A thousand MegaShandars is equal to one GigaShandar, and a thousand GigaShandars is one TeraShandar; 28.2 TeraShandars is the estimated total wizidrical power discharged throughout the history of magic – the equivalent of taking Hereford’s cathedral to the moon and back, and still having enough left over to take it around the earth ten times.

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  19

  Very like a password, but infinitely more complex. To share a passthought you really need to have witnessed the event or emotion the passthought was based on.

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  20
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  An armoured Rolls-Royce covered in copper spikes that was used by Jennifer when she was the Last Dragonslayer.

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  21

  Without the Quarkbeast there to save Jenny’s life with the sacrifice of his own, it is unlikely there would be any magic at all.