The More You Ignore Me

by Travis Nichols

  And if she had!

  How we would have been so happily spared such trouble! :

  Hey ***hole,

  **** you, you ****ing piece of diseased intestinal waste.

  Fun time is over.

  If you publish one more comment, send one more e-mail, leave one more voicemail, contact me, Nico, Charli, or anyone else in the family in any way again, I will ****ing kill you.

  You are a sociopath.

  Seek help.

  If I see you on the street—ever—I will push your ****ing teeth in with the heel of my hand.

  I will rip your nostrils out with my fingers and shove the little flaps of skin down your throat until you choke.

  I will cut you from your ****** to your scalp with my **** and **** in your chest cavity, you *******.

  **** you.

  **** off.

  Die.

  —Chris

  Oh my!

  I am aghast even to cut and paste such filth into this post.

  I vow to, as far as I am able, keep my comments free from the language implied by the asterisks, but you see I must give you a sense of what I’m up against.

  You need to be shown the truth so you can see how troubled your own online endeavors—your life’s work—might be at this very moment!

  For if any of you are sheltering or employing a wretch like Chris, let’s be clear: you are abetting criminal activities that will not go unpunished.

  I mean, my nostrils!?

  I believe, dear me, he would, too!

  How was this person given any authority at all?

  The mind reels.

  I know I should go to the police with such a threat, and no doubt that is what you will advise me to do—or may even be doing yourself at this very moment—but please, hear me out.

  The police?

  I do not want the police.

  Not yet.

  It is possible to solve this without getting the State involved, though I am, of course, keeping all the correspondence from this sorrowful episode on file, just in case.

  I have found records such as these useful in the past.

  In fact, it is thanks to my record keeping that I was exonerated, officially cleared of any wrongdoing, in that infamous case years ago with MFL, which I may have occasion to revisit with you at some point in the future.

  Rest assured that those points A and B got their come-uppance—and more!—once I was released from the hospital (C got his, of course, but I was not at fault).

  In fact, there are a few choice details from that affair no one has yet turned up, and if the time is ever right and you turn out to be the compassionate and trustworthy compatriots (or compatriotesses!) I assume you to be, then I daresay I will let you in on it.

  My word!

  I’ve gone off again!

  I must be subconsciously trying to distance myself from those hateful and poisonous attacks sent to me before and quoted above (defecate in my chest cavity? That does NOT sound sanitary ).

  But—Chris’s words—there they are.

  As frightful as they may be for you to look at, think of me!

  I have to live with them!

  A man is never a prophet in his own country.

  I believe this is the saying.

  But what of a man with no country?

  Might he be recognized as a prophet simply because he has no local pharmacist, no chauffeur, no passel of gossiping ladies to destroy his reputation from inside out?

  Sadly, in my case, it seems I am not to be recognized as a prophet anywhere but scorned forever everywhere, even after my detractors see the light and come to accept—embrace, even!—my ideas.

  All continue to shun me as if no one had thrown the cold water of reality and reason on their fevered brains.

  But not just reality and reason, passion and wit too!

  The future!

  As seems to be the case with my own (now estranged) family.

  But what—in the parlance of the woeful “millennial” generation—are my “probs” with this marriage?

  What does the world so desperately need to hear that I would take the risk tonight (and every night!) to defend my ideas so brazenly?

  Why do I continue to offer my admittedly unsolicited advice and prognostications if I am, as they’ve stated so clearly, not a “part of the wedding?”

  These questions sadden me, dear readers.

  I have answered them repeatedly on Charlico.com/blog, but I understand many of you are occupied day and night with your own crusades, so you may not have followed my links and/or seen every subsequent argument to its conclusion, or, at the very least, given each thread the careful attention it deserves.

  But fear not!

  I have saved each exchange (with annotations and further commentary when necessary), and so I can offer you this peek into the veritable buffet of insight I have offered up to these callous nincompoops.

  The following Charlico.com/blog comments come from late April, when the last snow had melted away and the first robin had begun its ruddy chirrup:

  April 27, 2009 5:45PM

  Emma_1: The menu looks AMAZING you guys!!! Make sure you take time out to ENJOY the DAY!!!!

  April 27, 2009 6:07PM

  linksys181: There will be no enjoyment.

  Meals for this couple will be an ordeal.

  April 27, 2009 6:21PM

  Emma_1: Ha!

  Funny!

  Seriously tho I’m SO happy for NICO & CHARLI!!!! XOXOXO

  April 27, 2009 6:22PM

  linksys181: Serious?

  Quite.

  Why will their meals be ordeals? Fact: When one becomes married, each and every desire becomes a subject for discussion.

  Has this occurred to you, Emma_1?

  No, surely it has not, or you would respond with a mite more intelligence. Thought: Is one hungry?

  Is one married and hungry?

  Yes? Then one knows that before one can answer even such a basic question of hunger or satiety one must consider whether or not it is the proper time for one’s “partner” to eat, too. But what if one’s “partner” is already eating with another “partner”?

  Do you see? Eating?

  Partners?

  Hmmm?

  Must I make it even plainer for you?

  The body is a complicated site of negotiation, and, I fear, at most, it takes two to tango.

  Three’s a crowd. Four’s the semaphore.

  April 27, 2009 6:27PM

  Emma_1: LOL!!!

  April 27, 2009 6:30PM

  linksys181: LOL?

  LOL?!?

  Oh no, my dear.

  Not LOL.

  Not at all. Do not betray your gender with these trifling giggles.

  Consider this: Is one sleepy?

  Would sleep be required at this time?

  Once again, a simple question UNLESS ONE IS ALSO UNWITTINGLY ENTERING INTO A MÉNAGE À TROIS!

  In that case, one may not be able to sleep if one’s “partner” is, for example, humping along on top of your delicate body, spilling drool into your tear-filled eyes behind your true “partner”’s back!

  April 27, 2009 6:31PM

  linksys157: I concur!

  Marvelous point!

  April 27, 2009 6:32PM

  linksys181: Thank you, friend, whoever you are. (The troops are rallying!)

  But let’s not place the blame entirely on the husband for being such an ineffectual ninny.

  Think of his (heh) position: Would one like an unbearable desire quenched quickly?

  Well, one must wait until one’s “partner” also desires to be quenched, or one must act in a manner unbecoming a gentleman, or one must throw off the entire cycle of hunger and satiety by quenching one’s desire oneself with whatever means one has at hand.

  April 27, 2009 6:34PM

  linksys157: So true!

  And if one happens to be “caught” in the act of “personal” quenching? Repeatedly? With whatever is “at hand” (h
ere, we can admit an LOL, can we not?

  YES! LOL!).

  Well, that personal quenching will be seen as neglecting the communal essence pot (or some such nonsense), and so one will thus be cast out of one’s marriage bed.

  And for what?

  For lack of understanding on the part of the wife regarding what a self-obliterating undertaking marriage is for the husband. And for lack of understanding on the part of the husband that a “wife” is not for bedding in certain manners at all hours, even if she is not, as the case may be, carrying on with the “groom’s closest relation” (Have we said too much?).One will emerge unrecognizable from such a marriage, if one emerges at all.

  April 27, 2009 6:37PM

  linksys181: We are truly coming to a consensus here.

  I thank you, friend!

  But why this pernicious silence from the rest of the Charlico community? Are the community members vexed as to why we reveal these facts to you rather than blithely applaud the menu and the flower arrangements? Simple: I believe Nico (and any other such bridegrooms) should know the truth of their potential “partnerships” if we are ever to have a truly egalitarian society (Yes, community, I am advocating for societal revolution. Does that scare you?

  What of your precious “Obama,” your “Xbox”? You will not need, dears, Obamas or Xboxes in my society. Why?

  What will you do with your time?

  I will answer a question with a question: What is the first requirement of a revolutionary, according to Che Guevara?

  No, not an Xbox.

  It is love, my dears!

  Love! And what kind of love?

  Love of truth, surely! And don’t we all believe we have within ourselves a capacity for love?

  I know I have love to give! Who will dare to take it?

  You?

  Take the challenge, community! TAKE IT!)

  April 27, 2009 6:37PM

  linksys157: I will take it, friend!

  I accept your love of truth, and I will match it with my own truth-love in time (How I love this blog! What a wonderful space in which we can truly, honestly DISCUSS!). What we have revealed is, of course, just one set of facts that should be known by a man (or woman!) when entering into a union. There are more sets. And so you see we are merely providing a service.

  When my revolutionary compatriots and I find a couple clearly unprepared for such tasks (Nico and Charli, in this case), we endeavor to be cruel, yes, but cruel to be kind with our “comments.” Have we grown so sensitive that we can’t stand the truth delivered with such style?

  Surely not! Truth and beauty, my dear!

  Let’s not forget them. I await your response.

  April 28, 2009 2:01AM

  linksys181: I see by your continued silence, dear Emma_1, that we have perhaps gone too far in this initial conversionary tactic and stunned you into (further) dumbness.

  I apologize if my remarks offend your delicate sensibility, but, alas, the truth is not delicate!

  I was not spared.

  DO NOT LOOK AWAY!!!!

  FACE THE TRUTH!!!!!!

  Readers, a blog “encourages” discussion, does it not?

  Without comments, a weblog is merely a monologue, correct?

  And I have, as you can see, discussed.

  I have commented.

  I have put forth my views, my warnings, my style, my beliefs, my visions of the future, and despite the efforts of this wretched Chris Novtalis to block me, I believe we have had a discussion.

  Would it surprise you to know that after the exchange quoted above I received my first “warning” from Chris, the head of his private online neo-Stasi?

  It’s true, and I admit I was less than surprised since I had revealed quite a bit of his plot to the community.

  Oh, it hasn’t always been “me” putting forth my views (linksys181 and linksys157 are just two of the many masks I wear).

  In fact, no one had discovered my “real” name for quite some time, and I am of course clever enough to cover my “cyber tracks,” so I assumed I could not be traced.

  I was able to persist through the resistance and mockery (“Are you really trolling a wedding website?” “STOP THE MADNESS,” and so forth) until I was tarnished (again!) and dismissed (again!).

  Treachery!

  It pains me terribly.

  Which is why I am now reaching out to you, dear readers, for I have been blocked, banned, and cast aside like some 19th-century madwoman.

  But what concern could any of this possibly be of yours?

  I am sorry—a man can go on all night when he is in front of the computer screen.

  What a cold light it gives off!

  Not flattering to my features in the least, though I dare say I look a robust and vigorous forty-two.

  I keep my goatee trim and wash my face with a secret astringent tincture every morning (in due time, my dears, in due time, I may tell you its components), so that even in the silver light of the screen I do not look such a cold fish.

  I may, depending on how this goes, even attach a self-portrait for you.

  Would you like that?

  I daresay you might!

  Here!

  I am embedding it!

  Keep it close to you, saucies!

  [XXXXXXX]

  I have been shunned.

  That is what I mean to say.

  I wish I could say I’m not used to such treatment, but I have been rejected, ignored, flung aside, and left for dead many times in life.

  Oh, you have no idea!

  From the very start!

  You see, my own father was a navy man, and he had the terrible misfortune to sire me only months before shipping off with the USS Maddox.

  Does that name ring a bell?

  Or are you also of this idiotic generation that only knows the names of Ke$ha’s entourage and not of those woefully mistreated, abused, and perhaps even murdered in the name of freedom for the United States of America?

  I love this country.

  I do.

  I love it with all my heart, but I fear it has gone terribly astray.

  It showed a small flicker of hope in the last century, but that hope has been snuffed out, that love has been squandered, and not as it was in my dear father’s time, for something we all could believe in, but for baubles and trinkets!

  The Indians have their revenge, eh?

  We bought this land from them for costume jewelry, and we’ll give the soiled remains back because we’re so distracted by, what, celebrity “panties”?

  Yes.

  What a cruel and incomprehensible world this is!

  And my case, what I’m presenting to you, is but a meager manifestation of this cruelty and incomprehensibility.

  But for that very reason—because it is a miniscule capitulation to idiocy—we must not yield!

  Don’t look away!

  Join me in reclaiming the righteous path!

  It is not too late, despite what pernicious logorrhea you may have been subjected to by that ungrateful, small-minded, dime-store Hitler of a moderator Charli has in her employ.

  Oh what a fateful day it was when she accepted that scallywag and allowed him to “moderate” her site!

  I’m sure he arrived stinking of cologne, glad-handing and flattering the “wedding party,” lulling them into thinking he might, with his modest credentials, youthful zeal, and relation to the groom, help steer their site safely through the perilous waters into a snug harbor.

  What a light touch on the wheel that would have required!

  The conversations, the ideas, the esprit de corps all arrived with me and began thriving, but then he strolled in with his wretched usurping arrogance to ask, “What is your problem?”

  All he had to do was make sure someone kept the power on, since I was not just without problem, I had turned his wedding blog into a study in vitality!

  On the precipice of real change!

  But then the sulphurous bean decided to make everyone �
�register as family.”

  Oh ho!

  Isn’t that always the first step?

  But register we did, “family” or no!

  At first, I merely wanted to continue my observation of the wedding’s progression, but soon I saw there was no one else brave enough to warn the couple of the dangers lurking in their false marriage bond.

  It had to be me, though not because I disapproved of the marriage as such. No, don’t take me for one of those men who think no one is good enough for “their” girls.

  Those pathetic dolts are laughable. I live in the real world. I am aware. But you see, I am a feminist.

  Does it shock you?

  From all you’ve heard, I wouldn’t doubt if it did shock you terribly, but it’s true!

  Of course I am not a feminist in the shrieking harpy sense of the word—I don’t burn unmentionables on the post office steps or advocate for conspicuous armpit hair or free tampon dispensers at state parks—rather, I believe women should have the option to refuse the persistent, throbbing needs of men.

  Without society judging them ill, women should be able to take up a life free of penetration, a life of chaste contemplation perhaps, of study, or of devotion to service.

  The mothering instinct should not be wrung dry and made to sag by birth—don’t we already have a population problem?—but allowed to fit snugly into the care of orphans, the elderly, and perhaps aged family members in need of professional and domestic assistance.

  Marriage is an unhappy tradition in even the best circumstances, and it need not be unduly perpetuated, especially when it is merely a screen for a dark force to satisfy its oily urge!