Love Me Or Leave Me

by Claudia Carroll

  ‘No worries,’ Kirk had said, when she told him she’d be out for the night. ‘I’ll probably be late home myself anyway, I’m teaching at the Yoga Rooms till well past ten. So you just enjoy your night out and I’ll see you when I see you.’ All delivered casually, almost like a throwaway remark, so of course she thought absolutely no more about it.

  But Eva had been forced to cancel their plans, something about a late evening meeting her project manager had called at the last minute. So Dawn found herself home unexpectedly early. God, had there been one single detail she hadn’t relived over and over again in her mind’s eye, in the three months, three weeks and five days since?

  She remembered slipping her key into the lock, hearing music and smelling dope. So Kirk wasn’t working then? Bit strange, she could still remember thinking. His yoga class must have been cancelled. And that in itself was weird, because he never, ever cancelled classes.

  Their tiny sitting room was empty, so following the music, she made her way to their bedroom, flung the door open and there they were. Like something out of a third-rate soap opera.

  Kirk and Shane, naked and tangled up together. In bed. In her bed. Pair of bastards didn’t even have the good grace to look embarrassed about it.

  Afterwards, even trying to explain why her marriage had so spectacularly imploded to other people had been mortifying. She’d tried her best to explain to Eva that what Kirk had done was a betrayal not just of her, but of her whole sexuality as well. Because if it had been the old cliché of him having an affair with another woman, in many ways it might have been easier to deal with. If that even made sense.

  ‘If that roaring eejit is now claiming to be bisexual,’ Eva thundered time and again, ‘then he’s even more delusional than I took him for. Because as far as I’m concerned, bisexuality is just a halfway house until you’re officially out loud and proud. So why put you through that? Why even bother getting married in the first place?’

  A very good question and one Kirk had been expert at side-stepping. He was ‘exploring his sexuality’, was one particular gem he’d come out with. And ‘he didn’t feel comfortable being boxed into a corner, like straight or gay’.No, only the best of both worlds was good enough for him. While he just expected Dawn to accept all this and stay in what’s laughingly known as a ‘lavender marriage’.

  Yet, sitting alone here on the terrace this balmy summer evening, the more Dawn dwelt on it, the more she seemed to realize that something funny was finally beginning to shift inside her.

  Normally dragging up such an acutely painful memory never failed to reduce her to a complete and utter basket case. But yet this evening, looking down over the beautiful gardens with the sun just setting, it didn’t. Instead, for some astonishing reason, she surprised herself by feeling cooler, even calmer about it.

  After so long apart, suddenly spending all this time with Kirk under the one roof this weekend was turning out, in a funny way, to be eye opening for her. Being able to let rip at him last night had somehow cleared the air for her, like the way a thunderstorm clears humidity. Finally getting to tell him to his face what she thought of him and what he’d put her through was liberating and cathartic. Healing even.

  There was something more to it too. Slowly, Dawn was beginning to see that there was only so much she was just settling for with Kirk. And so much more about him that was actually starting to drive her completely mental. The incessant dope smoking for a start, till Kirk ended up spending approximately ninety per cent of his time going round glassy eyed and slurred and talking complete shite about Shamanism or something equally rubbishy. Then there was his firm belief that for anything to be good for the planet, it had to involve extreme discomfort, a vegan diet and more hemp than you’d normally see at Glastonbury.

  But I hate hemp, Dawn suddenly thought. And so what if I fancy a lovely juicy fillet steak every now and again? Just because I don’t visit the compost heap with bagful of kitchen waste as often as I should, doesn’t make me the spawn of the devil either, now does it? And don’t even get me started on yurts, because frankly I’ve sat on Ryanair flights that were considerably more comfortable.

  Another thought surfaced: she’d compromised so much for Kirk over the years and yet, had he ever done as much for her? She loved going to the movies and maybe eating out the odd time, nowhere flashy or expensive, but Kirk would have absolutely none of it. Not when they could sit in that poky little flat eating brown rice and tofu and listening to crap Ravi Shankar sitar music night after night.

  All I put up with to make it work with him, she thought. While he barely lifted a finger for me. Just expected me to slot into his lifestyle and automatically assumed because he was happy, that I’d be too.

  She remembered back to her wedding day, three long years ago. And for the first time since, actually surprised herself by saying aloud, ‘Mother of God, what was I even thinking?’

  ‘I thought I heard someone out here,’ a man’s voice suddenly came from right behind her.

  Startled, Dawn instinctively jumped, then saw that it was the barman, standing just at the door that led out onto the terrace. Tall, broad guy about her own age, with an unmistakable Kerry accent. She remembered him from the fire evacuation, when he’d guided her downstairs and calmly told her everything was going to be okay.

  ‘Can I get you something to drink … ehh … Miss … Miss Madden, isn’t it? Isn’t that right?’

  ‘Yeah, sure is,’ Dawn smiled, ‘but please, I’m Dawn.’

  ‘And I’m Tommy,’ he grinned back. Nice crinkly blue eyes, she thought. And a warm smile.

  ‘We actually met,’ Dawn said. ‘During the fire evacuation last night, remember? You were good enough to take me down the emergency stairwell.’

  ‘Course I remember the lovely lady in the white nightie,’ Tommy smiled back. ‘Hope you didn’t get a fright or anything? Terrible bad luck for that to happen on our very first night.’

  ‘No harm done,’ said Dawn.

  ‘Anyway, sure I saw you out here all by yourself and just wondered if I could get you anything? Maybe a drink?’

  ‘Emm …’ Dawn dithered for a bit, as she normally wasn’t much of a drinker, but Tommy here seemed to be having absolutely none of it.

  ‘Go on,’ he said, twinkling down at her. ‘Just a wee nip of champagne. Sure, it’s on the house.’

  ‘Just the one then. And thank you.’

  She smiled to herself as Tommy disappeared back inside. What the hell.

  It had been three months, three weeks and five days. Now maybe it was finally time for her to let go.

  *

  The very last letter of all had been shoved under the door, just before dinner.

  My darling,

  I needn’t even ask if you remember events of last Christmas. Or more specifically, just a couple of days before Christmas Eve. You know what I did, you know how badly I messed up and I think you must, on some level, know how much it killed me when I finally ’fessed up and came clean to you. And yet I had to. I couldn’t live with your not knowing. We needed to be honest with each other if we were to move on as I’d hoped. As I still hope. And if it were the other way round, I’d like to think that you’d tell me too.

  But my timing, as ever, was a disaster. You weren’t long out of hospital, you were at your lowest ebb and you needed me.

  And what did I do? I big, fat went and blew it. There was no excuse for what happened and I’ve none to offer you, my love. I’ve asked for your forgiveness so often now, I’m starting to feel like a broken record.

  But believe me when I say if I could only turn the clock back, I would.

  If you’d only give me a second chance, I’d spend every hour of every day for the rest of my tomorrows trying to make you happy.

  Yours always. Yours forever,

  Xxxxxxxxx

  Chloe.

  Just past seven thirty and I swear, I haven’t felt this strong and confident about myself in I can’t remember how long. Closure
really is a wonderful, magical thing. In fact they should make an elixir drug that gives you that same sensation of pride in yourself, mixed with hope for the future.

  Because if I thought I’d be a weak-kneed basket case after I saw Frank earlier, I really couldn’t have been more wrong. I called my pal Gemma to fill her in and her whoops of joy when I told her about practically escorting him off the premises nearly deafened me.

  And I know just how she feels too.

  Anyway, I’m down in the bar and there honestly isn’t room for a cat in here. The entire bar is packed out, the champagne is flowing (no surprises there, it’s on the house tonight) and there’s a definite air of celebration, now that things are drawing to a close. Well, that is among the majority of our couples, but sadly not all.

  It’s all hands to the pump and like the rest of the staff here, I’m whizzing about topping up glasses, overseeing things and clipping in and out to the dining room every spare second I get, to make sure everything’s all set up for dinner at eight.

  But the person who’s astonishing me most of all is Rob, who saw that we were a bit understaffed, so he just rolled up his sleeves and started to muck in with the rest of us. He’s standing behind the bar now, knee deep in orders and proving to be a more than capable mixologist.

  ‘Fair dues, you’re a dab hand with the aul’ cocktails,’ I laugh over at him at one point, as I go to grab fresh champagne flutes.

  ‘Remind me to tell you about the time I worked behind the bar in Raffles, Singapore,’ he grins back, winking at me. ‘And if you fancy a Singapore Sling after work, I’ll make you the best one this side of the Pacific.’

  ‘Ha, I might just need one after tonight!’

  ‘You won’t regret it. My Singapore Sling is the stuff of legend.’

  By now, guests are spilling out onto the terrace and drifting into the Library next door, so I do a quick whizz around taking fresh orders and topping up champagne glasses wherever I can.

  As I head out to the terrace to see if anyone needs refills, I’m greeted by the sound of happy, giggly laughter and when I step outside, I’m surprised to see Tommy deep in chat with Dawn.

  ‘No,’ Dawn is saying to him. ‘I never even knew it existed!’

  ‘Ah, where have you been, anyway?’ Tommy’s laughing back at her, arms folded, completely relaxed and not looking a bit like someone who’s meant to be working. ‘Now, if you’re a genuine movie lover, then the Mezzanine in Dundrum is your only man. It’s the nearest thing to a private screening room I’ve certainly ever been to, and sure they get all the new releases in there first. Course the tickets are that bit pricier, but they do include free wine and popcorn. And did I mention the nachos with cheese?’

  ‘Well, now you’re speaking my language,’ Dawn giggles. ‘But then I never could sit through a movie without a bucket of nachos beside me!’

  ‘I’m actually going there after work on Monday. They’re showing that new Robert Downey Junior movie … big summer blockbuster …’

  ‘Oh, I LOVE him …’

  ‘Yeah, and it’s had some really great reviews too …’

  Tommy breaks off here though and immediately stands up as he clocks me for the first time. God love him, he even looks a bit guilty, like I’m here to haul him over the coals for skiving off.

  ‘Sorry Chloe,’ he says a bit sheepishly. ‘Just coming back inside now.’

  But Dawn is smiling, so I smile too. I think it’s the first time I’ve seen her do that since she got here, and you wouldn’t believe what a sight for sore eyes it is.

  ‘Stay where you are,’ I tell Tommy firmly, waving at him to sit back down again. ‘We’re fine inside. Don’t worry, I’ll give you a shout if I need you.’

  We’re not actually, it’s crazy busy inside … but then the matchmaker inside me has suddenly shot into overdrive. I slip behind the bar and start clearing away empty glasses, when next thing Rob is right by my shoulder. Towering over me as usual, sleeves rolled up, grey eyes looking right at me.

  ‘You’re looking very pleased with yourself, Ms Townsend,’ he grins.

  ‘Tell you later,’ I tell him teasingly.

  ‘Something going on out there that I need to know about?’

  I don’t get the chance to answer him though, because next thing Dave is standing at the bar in front of us, first time I’ve seen him all evening.

  ‘Dave! Lovely to see you,’ I tell him. ‘What can I get you?’

  ‘Nothing, thanks,’ he says flatly.

  He hasn’t bothered changing for dinner either, I notice, like most other guests. Instead, he’s just wearing his usual hairy biker gear of jeans and a t-shirt with a pair of trainers and looking like he hasn’t shaved since he got here.

  ‘Emm … is Jo down yet?’ I ask tentatively.

  ‘That I can’t answer you,’ Dave says in that dry, laconic way he has. Then he just slumps forward on the bar, burying his head in his hands and cradling his head.

  ‘Dave? What’s up?’

  He sighs, hauls his head up and looks right at me, glassy eyed and with the thick black hair standing up in tufts now. For a second, it’s actually like the poor guy is going to bolt out of here in a minute.

  ‘Emm … is everything okay?’ I say, leaning across the bar to him.

  ‘’Fraid not. In fact, everything is about as far from being okay as is possible,’ he sighs wearily.

  ‘Anything I can do to help?’

  There’s a moment where he just looks at me, as though weighing up whether I can be trusted or not.

  ‘Can you keep a secret?’

  I just nod.

  ‘Then maybe you and I could go somewhere to talk. If you can spare me five minutes, that is.’

  I glance over at Rob, who seems to have overheard everything. He just mouths a silent ‘Go,’ at me, so I do. Discreetly, I lead Dave through the packed bar, across the entrance hall and into the empty office just behind Reception.

  And for the first time since he got here, he really tells me everything.

  *

  Jo was sitting in a quiet little booth at the very back of the bar area, away from the melee where she wouldn’t be disturbed. Laptop propped up in front of her as she just stared uselessly at the blank screen.

  ‘Emm … okay if I join you?’

  She looked up and was surprised to see Lucy standing there, actually looking quite dressed down tonight, at least, for her. Instead of wearing one of her usual bandage dresses with legs on full show, tonight she was in a simple floor length white maxi and flat sandals with her long, fair hair tied up in a ponytail, Grecian style. Overall effect? Utterly stunning.

  She was carrying a champagne flute along with a glass of fizzy water and immediately thrust the champagne out towards Jo.

  ‘A little peace offering,’ she said sheepishly. ‘To say sorry for being such an arse last night. Not to mention barging in on top of you this morning and … well, I’m sorry for everything, really.’

  ‘Thanks, but the thing is, I’m not really supposed to with all the bloody drugs I’m on –’ said Jo, but Lucy was having none of it.

  ‘Ah, go on, just the one won’t do you any harm.’

  ‘Alright then, if you insist,’ Jo said, gratefully taking the offered glass and taking a tiny sip. The champagne was cool and delicious, just what she needed, in fact.

  ‘Am I disturbing you?’ Lucy asked, with a nod towards the laptop. ‘It’s just … well, you kind of look like you’re in the middle of something.’

  ‘Not at all,’ Jo said politely. ‘Sit down please, join me.’

  She actually meant it too. Unburdening herself to Lucy this morning had, in a way, been a big relief and the girl had surprised her by being a sensitive listener. In spite of all her first impressions, Jo found herself slowly beginning to thaw towards Lucy. Something she’d barely have thought possible not twenty-four hours ago.

  ‘Thanks,’ Lucy smiled warmly and slid down into the booth beside her. ‘But please don’t tell me
you’re still working? Seriously? On a Saturday night?’

  Jo said nothing, just gave her a wry glance and showed her the blank computer screen.

  ‘Dave and I have to compile a list of each other’s best qualities. To quote Kate from conflict resolution, “everything that made you fall in love in the first place”.’

  ‘Oh, don’t remind me!’ Lucy laughed good-naturedly. ‘I had to do that earlier too. So how are you getting on?’

  Jo took another sip of champagne and sat back against the leather booth.

  ‘I’m doing okay, in that I’m well able to list off all the things that I loved about him. My worry is, can he do as much for me? Thing is, he and I have been at each other’s throats for so long now, that it’s hard to remember back to a time when things were any different between us, really. You should have seen some of the email exchanges we’ve had; you’d die. They’re actually toxic. We’ve both been so vicious to each other …’

  But Lucy was having absolutely none of it.

  ‘Are you kidding? Of course Dave won’t have a problem with this!’ she insisted. ‘Just go back into that meeting and remind him about, say for instance, your wedding day? How he felt when he looked into your eyes and a priest declared you man and wife.’

  Jo took a second to think back. Her wedding day seemed like such an age ago now. And yet she could still remember Dave leaning over to kiss her as soon as she arrived beside him at the altar. Beaming with pride as he told her she was beautiful, which she wasn’t, by the way. Jo was no beauty and knew it, but it was amazing what a bit of professional make-up and a good up-style did for her. But the fact that he thought so just meant such a lot to her.

  She remembered he made her snigger during the most inappropriate bits throughout the whole service, when the priest’s back was turned. And how he still had the price tag stuck to the soles of his shoes, so when he was kneeling down everyone could clearly see.

  Jo was certain he’d have happy memories of their honeymoon too, but then that had been hard to forget. Besides, who didn’t have fond memories of their honeymoon? But then another memory resurfaced; their first big row, not long after they were first married. Dave had stormed out of the apartment in a huff, and then in the middle of the night, decided that what was called for was a Big Romantic Gesture. So he climbed up the fire escape clinging to a bunch of garage flowers, but then got stuck two floors below her room and had to yell to be rescued.