by Olivia Snow
“You’re not having any urges while working at the bar?”
“No.”
“Because of the rabbit sex you’re having with Maxwell?” He frowned, and I couldn’t help but laugh. His frown slid off his face and the corners of his lips curled into a smile. “Just be careful, all right?”
“Yes, Doc, I’m being careful.”
“I guess I’ll have to have a chat with him on Friday.” He took a sip from his coffee, raising his eyebrows complacently.
“What are you talking about?”
“The barbecue Aidan’s grandparents are having. Surely he told you about that?”
He had; Maxwell invited me, but I wasn’t sure if I was going to go. I was surprised the doc had been invited.
“He did, but how do you know?”
“Lester and I are part of the Colorado Historical Society. I told you before we’re friends.”
“No, you said he was an acquaintance.”
“Well, now we’re friends.” He signaled the waitress for the check.
“Since when?”
“Since his son-in-law started dating my…my…my…Ava.” All I could give him was a look of admiration, and he returned it. I loved this man, I truly did.
“All right, Doc.”
We hugged goodbye and planned to see each other soon. As I walked to my car, the pie started attacking my stomach. I felt nauseous and sick, which served me right for eating an entire cherry pie. Rounding the corner of the diner I beeped my SUV open, causing a couple across the parking lot to startle. I smiled apologetically to them until I realized I knew them.
“Oh, fuck.” My stomach dropped and the cherry pie was on the verge of spilling over. Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no. I scrambled inside the car because I didn’t know what else to.
“Ava!” he yelled out, but I took off and raced home. It wasn’t until I was hurling over the toilet when it all dawned on me. This…this was too much.
“Ava? Are you all right?” Vanessa tapped on the bathroom door. Fucking adrenaline and cherry pie.
“Mm-hmm.” I tried to speak as I yakked.
“I’ll run down to the pharmacy and get you a sport drink, yeah?”
“Okay,” I grumbled.
“Be back soon.” After flushing the toilet, I brushed my teeth and threw some cold water on my face. When I opened the bathroom door, Declan stood right outside.
“Ah!” I screamed. “What the fuck, Declan!”
He was pale; all the color had drained from his face. “Ava.”
He stepped closer to me, and I grabbed his arm and hauled him into my room, slamming the door. I wanted to punch him, to yell at him for lying. I was mad at him and at myself for never seeing it. But instead I hugged him, because this wasn’t about me and how I was feeling. This was about him and why he felt the needed to hide who he was. Declan stilled and then wrapped his arms around me. I could feel his body trembling.
“Why, D.? Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I don’t know, Ava. I thought if I hid it from everyone it would somehow go away. Can you imagine what my parents would do if they found out their only son was gay?” Declan stepped back, looking me in the eyes. He was mortified, but as the word slipped from his lips there seemed to be a weight lifted from his shoulders. I took his hand in mine and squeezed as we heard the front door close.
Declan froze.
“You have to tell her.”
“No, Ava, are you fucking crazy? She’ll tell my parents.”
“I think she has a right to know,” I pressed.
“No, she doesn’t.”
“You were sucking face with her boyfriend!” Even as the words left my lips, I could hardly believe them.
“Shhh, she’ll hear you,” he said through his teeth.
“Ava?” Vanessa knocked before opening the door. Declan let go of my hand and quickly sat on my bed. “I brought your drink, what’s going on?” She looked between Declan and I, clearly sensing something was up.
Here we go.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Vanessa
I hadn’t seen or heard from Diesel in four weeks, and it became more difficult not to think of him. Luckily, my schoolwork had picked up and I was spending most of my time being the studious person I was used to being. My video games kept me company when Ava and Mallory weren’t around. I knew tonight was Ava’s day off so I spent all day waiting for her at home after my classes.
After a long while, she still hadn’t shown up, and I was getting worried until she stormed in and went straight to the bathroom. Outside of the bathroom door I could hear her throwing up. My first thought was that she might be drunk. But the thought vanished quickly, because I knew she wouldn’t go back there; she had too much to lose now.
“Ava, are you all right?” I tapped on the bathroom door, waiting for her reply.
“Mm-hmm.” Her response echoed against the porcelain of the toilet. I knew if she was feeling sick it was probably a stomach virus, so I offered to go down to the pharmacy for her.
I heard her throw up one more time before flushing the toilet.
“Be back soon.” I grabbed my purse and keys off the island, walked out the door, and almost ran into Declan.
“Vanessa!” he shouted, stunned to see me.
“Hey, D., can you look after Ava while I go get her something for her stomach? She’s throwing up in the bathroom.” Declan’s facial expression went from alarmed to calm in a matter of seconds. “Are you all right?” I asked, noting the strange expression on his face.
“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine. Too much coffee.”
I couldn’t help but sense that something was being kept from me again, maybe not by both of them, but Declan was acting really uneasy. I decided to let it go until Ava got better.
“Okay, I’ll be back.”
Declan nodded, but didn’t say anything as he stepped inside.
At the pharmacy, I picked up the drink, along with crackers and some ginger ale just in case she needed more for her upset stomach. The line to pay was unusually long and the guy behind me kept trying to make conversation. It started off innocently enough until he seemed to take my politeness as flirtation. I smiled tightly and told him I had a boyfriend when he asked for my number. He seemed upset by my reply. Men.
Soon after that, I was checking out and paying for Ava’s things. After setting the bags, my purse, and keys on the island in the kitchen, I could hear Ava and Declan’s muffled voices behind the closed bedroom door. Stepping closer to the door with the drink in my hand, I heard Declan’s panicked voice.
“Shhh, she’ll hear you.” Disappointment rose in the pit of my stomach; I wasn’t going to allow them to hide or lie to me anymore.
“Ava?” I tapped before opening the door, and watched as Declan let go of Ava’s hand and sat on the bed. “I brought your drink, what’s going on?”
Declan looked sick and Ava’s chest was falling and rising rapidly as if she were about to have a panic attack. Oh, no what’s wrong? My eyes filled with tears at the thought that something horrible might have happened to my mother or father.
“What’s wrong? Ava? Declan, are Mother and Daddy okay?” Tears were already falling from my eyes. I expected Ava to calm me, to tell me everything was all right, but it was Declan who jumped off the bed to console me.
“No, Van, it’s nothing like that. Mom and Dad are fine. I’m sorry, Vanny, I didn’t mean to make you think they were hurt.” My tears dried up instantly when he called me Vanny; he hadn’t called me that since we were little.
“Then what’s going on?” I wiped away my tears.
“Let’s go into the living room, okay?” Without waiting for my reply, he took my hand then looked back at Ava. Ava smiled sadly, following behind us.
If nothing was wrong with my parents, what could be causing them to act this way? I thought of Aunt Rose, but I knew if there was something wrong with her, Ava would be inconsolable.
We sat on the larger couch that faced the TV, angled
to look at Declan while he sat on the small two-seater couch. He propped his elbows on his knees, looking mortified and pale as a ghost. His eyes were full of pain and unshed tears as he wiped away the small drops of sweat that were forming on his forehead.
“Fuck.” He sighed. “Vanessa, I…I’m gay.” I frowned and looked at Ava, a little confused, before I turned back to Declan.
“All right, um…” I scratched my head, wondering what I was supposed to say. “I mean…whatever you are, D., you’re still my brother and I love you. I don’t care if you want to be with purple aliens as long as you’re happy.”
Declan looked relieved, then surprised at my reaction which made me a little mad.
“What were you expecting me to say?” I exclaimed. “That I hate you for being gay? I mean, I’ll be honest, I’m a little hurt you expected my reaction to be negative, I wish you could have told me sooner. You sure as hell tried really hard to keep that from me…from us. I understand why you would, though. Mom and Dad would never be okay with it.” I chuckled realizing why he had always been so distant. “It all makes sense now, why you would never come around, why you stayed away, nobody wants to be around people who would disapprove of them.”
Declan let out a breath of relief as he smiled at me. “Exactly.”
“Are you going to tell Mother and Daddy?” I asked, standing to sit next to my big brother and taking his hands in mine.
“No, not yet at least.”
“Okay, well, your secret’s safe with us.” I looked back at Ava, and she smiled with pride, nodding at Declan.
“Yes, of course.” Her eyes widened as if to encourage him to say something else.
Declan scoffed, turning his attention back to me. “Vanessa, I’ve been seeing someone.”
“Oh, great! When do we get to me—?”
“It’s Stellen.” His voice was harsh, almost as if he was mad at me.
I froze. It seemed to take me a long time to process his words. Then the phrase dug into my heart, then my stomach, before I fully understood. I let go of my brother’s hands and stood up, trembling as I held the couch arms for support.
“Vanessa, sit back down. You look like you’re going to be sick.” Ava stood, slowly making her way to me.
“Did you know?” I gasped.
“No, not until tonight. I ran into them while I was having dinner with Dr. Parker. I swear I didn’t know any of this until moments before you did.”
“I…I believe you,” I whispered. My mind was spinning. “How long?” I asked Declan.
“Three weeks.” He at least had the decency to look ashamed, not for being gay but for knowing I was dating Stellen also.
“Three weeks?” I breathed, placing my hand on my chest. “Three weeks and you knew we were dating? We kissed…wait have you…are you?”
“That’s none of our business,” Ava interrupted.
“What? Of course it is. Mother’s basically planning our wedding. This…I don’t know what to feel.” I stumbled back, my hands on my head. All I wanted to do was sleep or cry, yell, and cheer for joy—I didn’t know.
“Vanessa.” Declan stood, putting my hands in front of him. I shook my head. No, no…hell, fucking no.
“I need time to process this, I…I need you to leave me alone, okay? Both of you.”
Declan’s face fell. He started to step toward me again, but Ava stopped him. “Yeah, sweets. Okay, we’ll let you be until you’re ready.” I placed my hands back on my head and walked into my room, slamming my door with my feet.
I paced back and forth in the darkness, waiting for a specific feeling to settle down so I could focus, but I was a jumble of emotions. I needed to find my center, but I didn’t have one; I felt lost, unable to grip onto anything.
My heart thumped, and I focused on the frantic rhythm. I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t live my life this way. Declan was gay, and was in a relationship with my boyfriend, the boyfriend I cheated on with Diesel. Now I didn’t feel as guilty about the whole situation because he’d been cheating on me since the beginning.
I wondered if that was why there was never a magnetic pull between us like there was with Diesel. Being with Stellen always felt safe, never intense and reckless. As beautiful as Stellen was, he never made me feel the way Diesel did. Oh, Jesus what do I do now?
I stopped moving once my legs began to ache. I laid down on my bed and curled into myself, hugging my knees against my chest. I stayed this way until I heard a soft knock on my door. Still drifting in my own mind, I didn’t hear who was at the door until he laid next to me and I felt his strong arms wrap around me.
All of a sudden I was home, and his scent made me calm and nervous all at once. Without even meaning to, I cried because I was unhappy with my life, because I was weak, because I hadn’t seen or heard from him in four weeks, and because he was here after all this time. He was here with me. His hold tightened, making me cry more.
“What’s going on, baby?” he whispered against my ear, placing a soft kiss on the side of my face.
My mouth opened and I spilled what I could, telling him Stellen was cheating on me. I admitted I didn’t know what to feel about it because I didn’t really care for him in that way, and the only reason we were together was for our parents. It was a life that was hard to understand, but it was the only life I was used to. Diesel didn’t say anything, he just listened and held me tighter whenever I cried.
“What is it that you want?” he finally asked, and I couldn’t tell him you, I want you, because that would be selfish of me. If we got together, my parents would find out and he’d get fired. That wouldn’t be fair to him.
“I don’t know, but what I do know is I don’t want to be here right now.” I wiped the snot from my nose with the back of my hand; it was gross, but the guy had seen me at my worst and he was still here.
“Let’s go then.” He climbed off the bed.
“Where to?”
“Come home with me for the weekend. It’ll give you a chance to clear your head.”
“Okay, yeah.” As much as the thought scared me, it also intrigued me. “Let’s do that. Do you have any roommates?”
Diesel moved over to the wall, switching on the light. I flinched, blinking as I tried to get used to the brightness. I didn’t bother wondering what made him show up at this particular time, and I couldn’t help but think perhaps Ava had something to do with it.
“Not to my rental here, darlin’. Home as in Oklahoma.”
My mind raced. This is it, Vanessa, you either take control of your life or you continue to let fear dictate what you do and who you are.
“Okay, let’s go.”
Diesel grinned, grabbed my hand, and pulled me off the bed.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Vanessa
Diesel suggested the type of clothes I should bring along for the trip. My bag was full of plain t-shirts, shorts, and jeans. He also said I might want to bring a swimsuit. I scoffed and told him hell no, but slipped a pair in my bag when he wasn’t paying attention.
Now we were in his truck in the middle of the night, and I was having second thoughts. But as we got farther and farther away from Denver, all my worries seemed to vanish. My eyes were heavy from all the crying. I rested my head against the window and closed my eyes. Hours later, I flinched at the brightness outside and the ache in my neck. Grumbling, I stretched, feeling soreness on my behind as well.
“I’m surprised you slept so deep in the position you were in.” Diesel chuckled, looking at me sideways.
I yawned. “Where are we?”
“Kansas.”
“Holy crap! How long was I asleep?” I sat up to look around at the endless patches of grass we were driving through.
“About four and a half hours.” Diesel glanced at the clock in the middle of his dashboard.
I turned to look at him, noticing his eyes were surrounded by black circles and he looked exhausted. There was a day of stubble on his face. Even with how unkempt he appeared, he
was still the most attractive man I had ever seen.
Last night flashed in front of me and I recalled how he had come to my rescue. Ava must have called him, and he came to me immediately, even after not speaking to me for weeks. I couldn’t believe I was sitting here, especially because of the way we had left things the last time I saw him—the one and only time I had experienced an orgasm.
Since then, I had tried to achieve it on my own, but it just didn’t feel right, it wasn’t the same. It was like I was reaching for something that was right in front of me, but every time I reached for it, it moved further away. It was infuriating. I was wound up in a way I didn’t think was possible.
“What are you thinkin’ about?” Diesel’s voice was lower than normal.
My eyes widened in surprise as I wondered if I’d said something out loud without realizing it. Oh dear God, what did I say?
“You’re blushing, darlin’. Now, I didn’t say anything to make you blush, so the only other explanation is that you’re thinkin’ somethin’ you shouldn’t be thinkin’.”
“I, uh, I was just thinking of how thankful I am that you came over last night,” I mumbled. It sounded like a big fat lie, and by the look on his face he knew it.
“Are you sure that’s it?” His voice had gone all husky, making my stomach flip and the muscles in between my legs tingle.
“Mm-hmm.” I looked at his lips, and he licked them, noticing my stare.
“I gotta—” He cleared his throat, focusing back on the road as he turned the steering wheel to the side. “I have to stretch my legs.”
After he parked, Diesel jumped out of the truck, slamming the door closed. I jumped at the sound, then watched him round the back of the truck and sit down on the back bumper. Why does he seem mad?
Curiosity filled me, making me jump out the truck as well. I followed him to the back and sat next to him, looking straight at his face. Diesel only stared ahead at the deserted road. I sighed, and kissed his cheek as a way to thank him for last night. His face hardened in surprise before he turned to look at me.