“I walk away when it’s the right thing to do.”
“And how do you know when it is?”
He looked wild for a minute. And then he looked determined. “I couldn’t be what you needed. I wasn’t going to give you false hope.”
Her stomach clenched into a knot. She should know better than to tangle with this man. He might be big and tough and cocky, but he was intense and intuitive. And he damn sure wasn’t stupid.
“I’m mystified that you could have possibly known what I needed when I didn’t know myself.”
She turned and picked up the goggles. Then she grabbed the gun. She wasn’t giving up, damn him. She wasn’t walking away.
Lucky braced her feet apart in the lane and sighted the target. She breathed in and out, in and out, channeling her anger and frustration into her determination. And then, finally, when she let her breath out one more time, she squeezed the trigger.
And the shot connected with the silhouette. It wasn’t perfect—a shoulder shot—but it was progress.
“That’s how it’s done,” Kev said from behind her, as if they hadn’t just been on the brink of an argument. “Do it again.”
They spent another hour target practicing. She knew it was nothing like what Kev usually did, but then she was getting an abbreviated session today anyway. HOT operators fired for hours at a time, until they could do it blind. She wouldn’t ever be able to shoot blind, but she could practice until her accuracy improved.
Which it started to do after an hour. She fired the last of her bullets and Kev appeared in her periphery.
“That’s enough for today.”
The range smelled like spent ammo, all flinty and smoky, when they finished packing up the gear and walked out into the staging area again. Lucky felt oddly calm after obliterating pretend bad guys for the past couple of hours.
Perhaps she’d be even calmer if she could forget what it felt like standing there with Kev’s arms around her, his breath in her ear, his lips a whisper away. He’d rattled her with that move, but not for the reasons he thought.
“You did good in there,” Kev said. “You still need practice, but not as much as I worried you might.”
“Thanks.” The silence between them was starting to grow awkward when they reached the locker rooms again.
Kev’s expression was grave as he faced her. “You’re doing well, but you know we have to do the hand-to-hand stuff soon, right?”
She swallowed. “Yes.”
“I can’t go easy on you, Lucky. Because the other guys certainly won’t. I hope you know that.”
She lifted her chin. “I do. And I’ll be fine.”
And then, on impulse—just to prove she could—she reached out and touched his arm. It jolted her down to her core, but she didn’t jerk away. “I know what has to be done. I’ll handle whatever you throw at me. Because there’s no other choice.”
His gaze dropped to where her hand rested on his arm. Then he looked at her again with a heat that almost took her breath away. But he hid it so fast that she found herself wondering if she’d imagined it.
His expression was placid now. Bland. As if nothing bothered him. “We’ll start early tomorrow. For now, there’s more paperwork to do. And Mendez has some briefs about the Freedom Force he wants you to catch up on.”
She pulled her hand away and tucked it under her arm. “Then I’d better get going,” she said. “Any progress on a car for me?”
He shook his head. “Not yet. Maybe in a few days.”
She tried not to frown too hard. Damn Mendez anyway. “So I’ll meet you somewhere when it’s time to go?”
His voice was soft and deep. “I’ll find you.”
He turned and walked away, and she found herself rooted to the spot, staring at his broad back, his words echoing in her head. I’ll find you.
They were simple words, but they got under her skin, made her think of other times, other places. North Africa. Hawaii. He’d found her in those places too, just when she thought she never would or never could be found.
Kev always found her. But then he left her alone.
***
“You doing okay, Big Mac?”
Kev looked up from his desk to find Matt standing over him. He hadn’t even heard his team CO come in. He tossed his pen down and leaned back in his chair. Was he doing okay? Hell no.
He was fighting so many confusing feelings that his head was spinning.
What had he been thinking to wrap himself around Lucky like that? To have her in his arms but not for the reason he wanted her there? She’d stiffened immediately, but still he hadn’t let her go. He’d stood behind her, his hands on her wrists, the flowery scent of her hair in his nostrils, and his body had hardened. It took everything he had not to pull her back against him and let her feel what she did to him.
But then she’d told him to stop touching her, and he’d realized what he was doing. And that she didn’t like it. How could he have forgotten it for even a second?
What a fucking mess. He was holed up in a house with her, thinking about her sleeping in the bed next door to his room and wondering how in the hell he was going to survive the next few weeks.
“Sure,” he lied. “Why do you ask?”
Matt sank down in the chair beside Kev’s desk, leaned back, and folded his hands over his abdomen. His eyes were sympathetic and Kev’s gut clenched.
“I know it’s got to be hard on you, being responsible for Lucky.”
An understatement. Marco had asked him to look out for her, but fantasizing about her naked probably wasn’t what he’d meant. Worse, it wasn’t what she wanted, regardless of her questions about why he’d walked away after she’d been rescued.
She was still hurting over losing Marco. That much was obvious. And he was a bastard for wanting to take advantage of that.
“She’s been through enough thanks to us, don’t you think?”
Kev refused to take the bait and talk about the way Lucky’s presence made him feel. Enough of that and he’d be spilling his guts like a little girl. Worse, he’d probably be off the mission and sent to the shrink to discuss his inappropriate thoughts about his friend’s widow.
“Yeah, I do.” Matt frowned. “But we need her. You know how crucial this is.”
Kev gritted his teeth. “Yes.”
Matt leaned forward then, elbows on knees. “She needs to be ready. And I need to know you can keep your emotions out of this.”
Kev wanted to deny there were any emotions involved. But what was the point? They both knew otherwise. Except Matt thought the emotions were because Lucky was Marco’s widow. And Kev wasn’t about to let him think otherwise.
“We watched our brothers die out there,” Kev said, his throat tight. “If I didn’t fall apart then, what makes you think I will this time?”
Matt’s gaze searched his for a long moment. And then he straightened. “All right. That’s exactly what I wanted to know.” He got to his feet, but he didn’t walk away. “If this changes for any reason, I need to know. If you prefer one of the other guys to take on the role of her husband in Qu’rim, you have to let me know soon. Once we go in, there’s no changing places.”
Kev didn’t even blink. Let one of the other guys be responsible for Lucky’s safety? No way in hell. “Copy that.”
In another hour, Kev logged off his computer and went to find Lucky. She was in a briefing room, film of the Freedom Force running on screen, her eyes shining suspiciously as she turned to see who’d interrupted her.
She hit the pause button and turned away, and he knew she was working to regain her composure. There was no film of Al Ahmad, of course, but they had ibn-Rashad and many of the others. Not to mention shots of the terror they wrought—suicide bombings, massacres, beheadings. It wasn’t light viewing, and it wasn’t for the weak of heart either.
“We have to stop them, Kev.”
He came inside and pulled out one of the chairs around the conference table. “Yeah, we do.”
She drummed her fingers on the tabletop. “I guess I thought I could make it all go away by running as far as possible and trying to be someone different. But the reality is that it didn’t go away. Guys like you are still fighting these bastards while people like me pretend they don’t know what’s going on.” She looked up at him, her eyes still shiny. “How do you stand it?”
He sighed. “I don’t think you do. You just get numb deep down. And you keep on fighting because you know it’s the right thing to do. People like that can’t be allowed to win. Whatever the cost.”
She leaned her head back on the chair. “I know. Poor Marco.”
A tear leaked out of the corner of one eye and slid down her cheek. His heart twisted. He wanted to drag her into his arms and hold her close, tell her it would all be okay someday, but how could he do that? He had no right.
“I’m not going to tell you that he died doing what was right and therefore that makes it okay. It’s not okay. But he made a difference, Lucky. What he did made a difference.”
She sucked in a deep breath. “He deserved better.”
“He did, and we’re going to get those assholes and make them pay.”
She didn’t say anything. Her chin trembled, and he felt like an asshole himself. He wanted to give her the comfort she needed, but he didn’t know how to do it. She was vulnerable in this moment, and he knew he couldn’t take advantage of her emotional state. It wasn’t right.
Instead, he cleared his throat, hands on his knees, gripping them tight to keep him from reaching for her and saying to hell with it.
“Hey, you ready for some shopping? Let’s blow this joint and get you some warmer clothes.”
She swiped beneath her eyes almost angrily and then she gave him a watery smile that wasn’t quite genuine. “Now you’re speaking my language. What woman can resist an offer like that?”
He shot her a smile. “None that I know.”
She snorted softly. “That’s a lot of women, I bet.”
His grin widened, though he ached deep down. He didn’t want to play the part of the womanizer right now. He wanted to show her there was more to him than that.
But he couldn’t.
“Sure is.”
She rolled her eyes and he knew that teasing her was working. He wanted to tell her that he had feelings, but he kept them locked away for a reason. He’d seen the dark side of emotions. Seen the destruction they could cause.
In Kev’s world, sex with a variety of women was easy. It was love that was impossible.
CHAPTER NINE
Lucky sat in Kev’s truck and stared out the window at the darkening sky. They hadn’t said much of anything since getting into the truck back at HOT HQ. She closed her eyes and tried to catch a little sleep since her schedule was still so off, but all she saw in her head was the footage of the Freedom Force wreaking terror on innocent people. They had no scruples, no morals, no conscience. They blew up babies and old women just as easily as they did those whom they considered enemy combatants.
Lucky shivered.
Evil people. Al Ahmad was the worst of all. He wasn’t a zealot like some of his followers. He didn’t fight for a cause because he believed in it so much as he wanted to dominate weaker souls. And he wanted power. He was addicted to it. She knew it quite well, since he’d held the power of life and death over her for many days. Days she’d tried to forget but which still sometimes made her wake up in a cold sweat, a silent scream on her lips.
She gave her head a little shake and tried to push the images away. She wouldn’t descend into fear. She couldn’t. She had a job to do, and she was going to do it. With the help of this man at her side, and the other men on the team. She would find Al Ahmad in Qu’rim—before he found her. She had to, or more innocent people would die. He couldn’t be allowed to get chemical weapons. The things he would do with them would make all those videos look so simple in comparison.
Kev was looking at her with brows drawn low when he pulled into a parking slot at the mall. “You want to do this now or do you need to go home instead?”
Home. The word slid into her brain and wound itself around and around. What was home? Where was home? It was a strange word to her. Always had been in so many ways. Because she didn’t feel like she belonged anywhere.
Not in Montana, not in the Army, not with Marco.
She’d called her mother earlier when she’d had a break. She could hear the triplets in the background, giggling and screaming as they watched some television show. They sounded so happy and carefree. Had she ever been that way? If so, she didn’t remember it.
“They have a horse show coming up,” her mother had said.
Lucky had made the appropriate response. Everyone in her family rode horses. She was terrified of them. Yet another thing that made her feel out of place.
She’d managed to explain she wasn’t coming for Christmas, that she’d been recalled to duty with the Army. Her mother had been upset at first, but Lucky explained how important it was. There were things happening in the Middle East, blah, blah, blah, and her language skills were important.
Her mother accepted it, but Lucky could tell she was disappointed. She’d hung up feeling like she’d said the wrong things, but not knowing what the right things were.
“Lucky?” Kev said, and she shook herself.
“No,” she said, remembering that he’d asked if she wanted to leave. “We’re here and I need warm clothes.”
They went inside the mall. Lucky thought Kev would leave her to do her shopping in peace, but he took Mendez literally and stuck to her side like glue the entire time.
She hadn’t been shopping for more than shorts, flip-flops, and T-shirts in months, but now she had to buy jeans and sweaters and boots. It took longer than she thought it would, but she finally had enough warm clothing—and in-between clothing—to get her through the days in DC before they went to Qu’rim.
In Qu’rim, her wardrobe would change again. Cool cotton clothing beneath a long abaya and a hijab. In truth, she looked forward to the Arab clothing so she could hide inside it. It wouldn’t protect her from Al Ahmad, but it would make it harder for him to recognize her.
“You hungry?” Kev asked when she finished paying for the last of her purchases.
Her stomach rumbled then as if to prevent her from saying anything but yes. “I could eat something.”
“Come on then. I know a place not too far from here.”
They piled into his truck with all her bags, and then he drove to a little restaurant sitting beside one of the many waterways that fed into the Chesapeake. It wasn’t Hawaii—too brown and cold for that—but the restaurant by the water was familiar in a way that nothing had been yet. She could almost relax—except that relaxing didn’t come easily to her since finding out Al Ahmad was still alive. The film today hadn’t helped.
“You okay?” Kev asked after they’d ordered.
She dragged her gaze from the leaden sky and fixed it on him. “Sure, why wouldn’t I be?”
He shrugged. “It wasn’t a great day for you. It’s a lot to get hit with at once.”
“I feel like the lives of so many innocent people depend on me. Yeah, it’s a lot to get hit with at once.” She took a sip of the soda the waitress put in front of her. “What if I can’t find him? What then?”
His eyes were hard. Determined. “You’ll find him. But even if you don’t, HOT will. We won’t let him get those weapons. We won’t let the region fall.”
She sighed. “We’ve been propping up the people we want to be in charge for decades in that part of the world, and it doesn’t always work out. You know that.”
“I do know it. But we’ve learned from those mistakes. Al Ahmad won’t win.”
“I wish I was as confident as you are.”
“Just do the work and stop worrying. That’s the part you have to learn. All you can control is the work, so be as strong and relentless as you can be when it comes to training. The rest will fall
in place. We have good intel, we have the assets, and we’re going to get that bastard.”
He was so fierce and certain, and her heart swelled with emotion. But she wouldn’t tell him she didn’t find it as easy as he did to put the worry aside.
As if he knew what she was thinking, he reached out and took her hand. Once more, electricity pulsed through her veins at the touch of skin on skin. Kev’s skin. Her skin. Oh, it was almost more than she could bear.
“I won’t let him take you again. I swear it, Lucky. I’ll die before I let it happen.”
She squeezed his hand suddenly. “If you don’t promise me not to die, I’ll ask Mendez for another bodyguard. I won’t have you on my conscience.”
He smiled that soft smile of his. “Ah, babe, what you don’t understand is that all of us will behave precisely the same way. It doesn’t matter if it’s me or Matt or any of the others—we’ll die before we let Al Ahmad take you again.”
Lucky swallowed the lump in her throat. She knew that what he said was utterly true. HOT would, to a man, die to prevent her from being taken hostage by that madman. They all knew what she’d been through the last time, and they wouldn’t let it happen again.
It got to her in a way nothing else could. Her heart swelled with hot emotion. It was a combination of joy, anger, frustration—and something very like belonging.
“Don’t die, Kev. Swear you won’t.”
He reached up and ghosted a finger along her cheek, and she realized a tear had slid down it when her skin felt cool.
“I swear it. For you, I’d swear just about anything.”
Lucky blinked at him, her entire body hot and achy. Had he really just said…?
He looked down at their hands, and she thought he might pull away. But he didn’t. She found herself leaning toward him, so slowly, as if she were being pulled by a string. But he was the only thing she could see as her heart pounded and the blood throbbed in her ears. The restaurant fell away, the clink of silverware and porcelain and glass faded, the soft chatter of voices ceased. There was nothing but her and him and the silent pull of attraction that had them moving closer together.
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