Resurrecting Phoenix

by Isabel Lucero

  “What?” I ask with a nervous laugh.

  “Nothing. You’re just so beautiful, and I’m so glad to have met you.”

  “Aww.”

  “No, really. I’m not saying it to be sweet and charming, it’s just the truth. You make me so happy, Phoenix. Honestly, I can’t remember a time where I’ve been happier. When I think of you, I smile. When I’m in your presence, I never want you to leave. When you’re sad, my heart breaks, and I only want to make you feel better, and when you’re happy and smiling, there’s nothing more beautiful in the world to me. Your happiness is mine, as cliché as that may be.”

  “Evan,” I breathe his name. “The way you make me feel, I can’t even put into words. You gave my life meaning again, and for that I’ll forever be thankful.”

  He stands up and extends his hand. “Come here.”

  We walk to his bedroom and finish this date by making love to each other. Slow, passionate, meaningful love.

  IT’S BEEN TWO weeks since I put in my notice at the travel agency, and yesterday was my last day. I’m officially free of that place. I’ve already been stocking up on crayons, papers, tissues, and everything else a second grader could need, while also pulling out my old class decorations and getting everything put on the walls in the classroom.

  I’ve had my grief and addiction appointments with Jacqueline and Elizabeth each week, and went to the spousal grief support group once within the same time frame. Both women seem extremely happy with my positive attitude and happy demeanor.

  The only time I was tempted to have a drink was when I went out with Stephanie one night after our grief group meeting. It was mostly just out of habit of ordering a drink at this particular restaurant, because I’ve always loved their cocktails. I stopped myself from ordering, though, and still had a good time. I don’t crave it like I used to, but maybe that’s because I’m not trying to get away from anything. I love my day to day activities now.

  Evan and I are only getting closer with each day we spend together. He’s been helping me shop for school, and we take turns having dinner at each other’s house when he’s not working. There’s been several sleepovers, and another date out at the lake. I’m determined to beat him at one of our swimming races. We also redid our date at Santini’s without me running away and ruining it.

  We haven’t been to Anthony and Marissa’s yet, because once everybody’s schedule worked together, Marissa came down with a cold. We’re hoping that we can get together next weekend.

  My parents came down to my house for dinner one night while Evan was working. Though the conversation was stilted at first, it ended up being a pretty good night. My mom brought over homemade chocolate cake for dessert, and while we ate our weight in chocolate, my father smoked a cigar out on the front porch. I couldn’t help but wonder if one day Evan would be out there with him. The thought brought a smile to my face, and had my mom questioning me about Evan.

  I’m glad that they’re both okay with me seeing someone. Not that they have a say in the matter, but of course I’d like for them to meet and like him. They adored Gordon, and because I know Evan, I know they’ll think he’s great, too.

  They were sure to extend an invite to both me and Evan to their house, and when I passed the message along to Evan, I couldn’t help but be amused at the nervous look on his face.

  “Hey, babe?” Evan calls out.

  “Yeah?”

  “Can I come in?”

  “Sure.”

  Evan walks into my bathroom while I soak in a tub full of bubbles. I went shopping today, but I wore heels and shopped a lot longer than I anticipated, so my feet and lower back are killing me. Evan insisted I take a hot bath while he made us dinner.

  “My sister just called and said she’s coming up in September,” he says, sitting on the closed toilet.

  “For your birthday?”

  “Yep. So, you’ll finally get to meet her.”

  “I can’t wait to meet her. Maybe I’ll get some good stories out of her,” I say with a wink.

  He rolls his eyes. “She’ll probably be lying.”

  “I doubt it.”

  “Well, food will be ready in about fifteen minutes.”

  “Okay, I’ll be out soon.”

  After dinner, we go to bed, because Evan has to get up early for his shift. I stay awake for hours dreading the week to come. I try to keep my emotions in check, and I try to stay strong, but I don’t know how I’m going to react when July fifteenth gets here.

  On July fourteenth, Evan starts to notice my weird mood. I’ve shut down a bit and haven’t spent as much time with him as usual.

  “Babe, what’s wrong? You’ve been acting different.”

  “Nothing,” I say, knowing it’s a lie.

  “Don’t lie to me,” he retorts, calling me out.

  I huff. “I just don’t want to talk about it.” I get up from the couch and walk to the kitchen.

  “I need you to talk about it if you’re gonna be taking it out on me, whatever it is. You haven’t been laughing or smiling, you’ve been keeping your distance, and you know I told you to talk to me about whatever you’re feeling. Let me help.”

  “There’s nothing you can do, Evan. It’s coming no matter what.”

  “What’s coming?” he asks.

  “Tomorrow.” He furrows his brows, and I walk past him with my cup of coffee and go back to the couch.

  “Tell me what tomorrow is, Phoenix.”

  “Tomorrow is Gordon’s birthday.”

  I don’t look at him, so I don’t see his reaction, but I didn’t want to tell him because I didn’t want to make him feel uncomfortable.

  “Did you want to do anything for him?” he asks, surprising me.

  “Like what?”

  “I don’t know. Anything.”

  “I’m not sure. I’m just feeling sad. That’s all.”

  “And that’s okay,” he says, wrapping his arm around me. “You want to go to his gravesite? Maybe take him some flowers?”

  I look up at him with tears in my eyes. “Yeah, I think that’s a good idea. Thank you for being so perfect.”

  He doesn’t respond, he just kisses my forehead. I love forehead kisses.

  The fifteenth is harder than I thought it would be. I cry as soon as I wake up, and don’t stop until I’m out of the shower. I don’t bother putting on makeup, because I know I’m just going to cry it off.

  I asked Evan to come with me to get flowers for Gordon. Once the question left my lips, I felt bad for including him in something like this, but he didn’t balk. He agreed instantly, once again reminding me how good he is.

  When he arrives at my door, he instantly envelopes me in his arms, kissing the top of my head. We don’t say much as we drive to the flower shop, and once I’ve picked out a bouquet, we’re back in the car, heading to the cemetery.

  Evan holds my hand on the drive as I look out the window and cry silent tears. I remember past birthdays that Gordon and I celebrated together, enjoying the smile he always had when I made him make a wish before blowing out his candles.

  At the cemetery, I turn to Evan and say, “Thanks for being here with me today. I’ll be back in a little bit.”

  “Of course,” he says with a nod and one more squeeze of my hand.

  I walk several yards into the cemetery until I find Gordon’s headstone. I plant myself in front of it, tracing the letters of his name.

  “Happy birthday, Gordon,” I whisper. “God, I miss you so much.”

  A breeze comes through, and to me that’s Gordon’s way of telling me he misses me, too, because the air goes still once again.

  “I really wish you were still here,” I say quietly. “You were too young to die, and we had so many plans for our future. I hope you know how much I love you, Gordon. I had a really hard time when you died. I’m not sure if you can see me where you are, but if so, I’m sorry for almost giving up on life. It’s just that you were my whole life, and without you, I didn’t know what
to do.”

  My tears begin to flow. I start placing the flowers around his headstone, taking a break from talking for just a few minutes.

  “I met someone. I never thought I’d be with anybody else except you, but he’s an amazing man, Gordon. In another life, you two would be good friends. I know you’d like him. He’s so thoughtful and understanding, and it’s because of him that I’m even here. He did what he promised he’d do. He resurrected me, and I know you’d appreciate him bringing the old Phoenix back, because I’m not sure you’d have liked who I became. I know I didn’t,” I say with a little laugh.

  “As much as I’d rather you be alive, I’m so glad I have you as a guardian angel. I know I have you watching out for me, and I couldn’t ask for a better protector.”

  I look over in the direction of Evan’s truck and see him leaning against it with his head looking up in the sky.

  “I wish I knew you were okay with this,” I say aloud to Gordon. “I wish for a lot of things,” I whisper, dropping my head.

  Another breeze blows by, but this time I swear I smell Gordon’s scent. My head snaps up, looking for Evan. Maybe it’s him. Maybe he came closer. When I find him, he’s still down by his truck. In no way could the wind be blowing his scent this way. Plus he stopped using the same body wash Gordon did.

  I smile and rub the headstone. “Thank you, Gordon.” I don’t care what anyone says. That was him communicating with me. “I love you so much.”

  Sitting there for another five minutes, I let the tears flow before gathering myself up and walking back to Evan.

  Once again he pulls me into his warm embrace and lets me cry into his chest. He soothes me, rubbing my back and head, letting me grieve my husband while also making me feel loved.

  On July twentieth, me and Evan head over to Marissa and Anthony’s house. The guys have already met at work, but this will be the first time all of us are together.

  “Are you sure I shouldn’t bring anything?” Evan asks for the tenth time.

  “No, you don’t have to bring anything. Marissa has absolutely everything she needs.”

  “Maybe we should bring a dessert. We can go buy some cupcakes or something.”

  “You’re so cute wanting to make a good impression,” I tell him, cupping his cheek.

  “It’s just the first time at their house, they’re making dinner for us, it just seems like I should bring something.”

  “First of all, Marissa is making dinner. Anthony knows better than to mess with her when she’s cooking,” I say with a laugh. “If we bring dessert, she’ll just think we won’t want her dessert, and I guarantee she’s made something. It’ll be fine.”

  Evan’s dressed in some dark denim jeans that fit him to perfection, and a light blue button up and dark gray vest. He looks incredible. I wear a blue, strapless dress that matches his button up. We didn’t plan to color coordinate, but now it kind of looks like we’re going to prom. Minus the frills and flowers, so maybe a casual prom. The top part of my dress conforms to my body, while the skirt flows freely to my knees.

  “Ready?” I ask, once we’re at the house.

  “Let’s do this,” he says while exiting the truck.

  Before we even get to the door, it flies open and Marissa stands there with an apron covering her black and white, polka dotted dress.

  “Well, don’t you look like a wife in the fifties,” I joke while going to hug her.

  She laughs. “I love having people over for dinner. We don’t get to do it too often.”

  “Thanks for having us over. Phoenix told me not to bring anything,” he says, gesturing to me with his thumb.

  I gasp, putting my hands on my hips before falling into a fit of laughter. “Oh my gosh! He’s been stressing out over what to bring. I said not to worry about it.”

  Marissa giggles. “That’s fine, Evan. You’re our guest. We’ll take care of everything. Now come inside.”

  I smack Evan on the arm as we trail behind Marissa. “I can’t believe you were trying to throw me under the bus!” I say quietly with a smile on my lips.

  “Hey, I can’t be the bad guy. I’m new,” he answers with a smirk.

  “That’s only gonna work for so long.”

  He chuckles. “Well, I’m using it until I can’t anymore.”

  Marissa’s home looks like it was plucked from an interior design magazine. Everything is perfectly placed while also giving off a warm and inviting feeling. Her dark brown, leather couches have rectangular, wicker type baskets on each end serving as tables and storage. The top can come off, giving you space for magazines, remotes, etc. Her coffee table is a two layered glass table with decorations on both levels.

  “You guys can come in here while I finish up. Anthony’s on the phone in the bedroom, so he’ll be out in a sec.”

  “In a sec or in a sex?” Evan whispers into my ear.

  “Shut it,” I say back to him with a playful glare as he holds back his laughter.

  We follow her into the kitchen, and I take a seat on one of the stools at the island. Her kitchen is much larger than mine, and I envy it every time I’m in here. Her cabinets have space above them, giving her adequate room for all of her knick-knacks. The kitchen’s theme is a rustic vineyard, so she’s got everything from wine bottle candle holders, plastic vines of grapes, and vintage wine bottles placed across each inch.

  “So, whatcha making?” I ask, inhaling the delicious aroma.

  “Well, my friends, we’re going to Italy,” she says with a laugh. “Anthony’s Italian, Evan, and he complains I don’t make enough Italian food for him, so he’s getting his fill tonight.”

  “What’re you saying about me, woman?” Anthony chimes in as he walks into the kitchen.

  “Nothing, sweetie. Just how much I love you.”

  “Yeah, I’m sure.”

  Anthony walks over towards us and I stand up to give him a hug. He’s wearing black slacks and a black button up, but pulls the dark color off well.

  “Hey, told you I’d make it,” I say to him.

  “I’m glad you’re here. Marissa’s been like a chicken with its head cut off all day. Maybe she’ll calm down now,” he says, trying to be quiet.

  Me and Evan laugh as Marissa turns around and throws an oven mitt at him. “I heard you.”

  Anthony catches the mitt and sends her a charming smile.

  “Evan, it’s nice to have you over,” Anthony says, extending his hand for a shake.

  “I appreciate you two inviting us,” Evan replies with a smile. “I’m happy to get to know the important people in Phoenix’s life.”

  “Likewise,” Anthony responds.

  “To answer your question, Nix,” Marissa chimes in. “We’re having salad to start off, then I couldn’t decide between four cheese baked spirali, or rigatoni with roasted tomatoes, so we’re having both. Oh, and I made what’s supposed to be an Amalfi lemon cake, but since I don’t have lemons from the Amalfi coast, I had to settle with good ol’ American lemons. Hope that’s okay, babe.”

  He scoffs, shaking his head at her. “Any lemons will do.”

  “I’m just saying, you better enjoy this Italian feast tonight, because I don’t know when this is gonna happen again.”

  “If she only cooks like this when you two come over, you better be expecting a lot more invitations,” Anthony says to us.

  “Oh, shush, Anthony. You make it seem like I don’t cook. Now, start taking some of these dishes to the table.”

  “Yes, dear,” Anthony says dryly.

  “You guys are the best,” I say with a laugh.

  Evan helps Anthony take Marissa’s cooking to the table, while I pour each of us some of her homemade lemonade.

  “I take it this was made from American lemons, too?” I ask with a smile.

  She laughs. “Yep. Couldn’t make the trip to Italy this week to get the good ones.”

  I hear Anthony groan from the dining room, causing me and Marissa to giggle.

  Dinner is am
azing, and we’re all sure to tell her how much we enjoy it. Anthony goes above and beyond, obviously hoping his praise will make her want to cook this more often. The conversation never lulls, each one of us having fun stories to share. Marissa, Anthony, and I reminisce on some old memories, Gordon’s name being brought up a couple times, but not ever making anyone feel uncomfortable. They tell Evan stories about the time I came over to help cook Thanksgiving dinner and burned the sweet potato casserole, and the time I almost drove into Anthony’s police car.

  Me and Marissa laugh so hard we cry. We begin clearing the table while the guys continue to talk about sports and possibly going fishing together. We listen to them making plans, then look at each other with love sick smiles.

  “I’m so happy for you, Phoenix,” she says, laying her head on my shoulder. “He’s a great guy, and I love seeing you so happy.”

  I put my arm around her waist as we continue to watch our guys at the table. They seem to be onto us, because they both look over at the same time to see us watching them.

  “Uh-oh, man. We better get out of here, or they’re gonna put us to work,” Anthony says, getting up from the chair.

  “We were just admiring our handsome men,” Marissa says. “Don’t worry, we won’t put you to work.”

  While we ladies finish cleaning up, the guys go sit out on the front porch and talk. I’m glad they’re getting this time to bond, and hope these date nights can become more frequent.

  “So, I saw Max and Carol out at the movies last weekend,” Marissa tells me as we load the dishwasher.

  “Really? They’re so cute. She’s absolutely smitten with Max, and I know he likes her a lot, too, he’s just so awkward with expressing it,” I say through a laugh. “I asked him about her a few days ago, and he kind of just stumbled through some words. I took that to mean he’s really happy.”

  “How’s the counseling sessions going?”

  “Really good. They give me a lot of helpful advice, and they’re great women. I’m not sure I’ll need to see my grief counselor much longer, because I feel like I’m already at a place of acceptance. I have no denial or anger anymore. I have a few sad moments, but nothing out of the ordinary. Evan really helps me with a lot of that.”